The Otis Advisory Pat Fant aka Uncle Otis

No more Boy Scouts for you. The campfire and whittling business is over. Time now to climb into a nice chiffon outfit and drive your edible electric car to the mall for some more Botox. But Boy Scouts was fun while it lasted. Passing around that can of shoestring potatoes with Worchester sauce was how boys learned to wipe their hands on their pants. What are we supposed to do now? With over a hundred different genders to pick from, what’s the point anymore! It's another way to get boneless and skinless even faster in the New America. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

You’re a lot easier to control when you’re numb and dumb. So enjoy some more morphine drip before sending 'Lil Whiskers out in the back yard to pick off another tank-full of watts from that electricity tree. Yes, now you're powered by rainbows! It's like when you're dead, you don't know you're dead. Same thing happens when you're stupid. So bring your arrest warrant to early voting and the little man will fill all that in for you. Wait, is that the desert cart? More Universal Foolishness from the Discount Think Tank. Hear podcast ~ Wash hands.

The roving bands of marauding youth now rioting outside the window have a long list of DEMANDS for you - a shopping list of what they need delivered up to Angry Village. Remember, these are special children who don’t eat olive loaf or burnt weenie sandwich. Hell no! You need to think vegeterrible and gluten free, you pig. So get a move on, rioting is hard work. Why do you think Mexico now has a “Remain in America” program – probably until they can stand to look at us again. The denutification of America – Extreme Makeover Edition. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Who would have thought that winding up in a pot of boiling water somewhere in New Guinea would turn into a campaign line eighty years later? VOTE FOR JOE - CANNIBALS ATE HIS UNCLE! It’s damn creative, I’ll give ‘em that. Just falls right off the bone. You’ve even got a little primitive culture going on there to help satisfy the lunatic fringe at Columbia. It’s a race to the bottom by the candlelight of burning tires. Mono-Clonal just means 1 clown! And this one’s about to roll back in and then hand the keys to Gang Green. That’s when this cannibal thing really grows teeth. Otis Explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Here at the Discount Think Tank we’re always on hot standby for the next big thing. And in America that would be losing weight. It's all they can talk about at the Waffle House. No exercise, just take the shot and get skinny. It’s a sweet deal. But have you heard about the move to Diet Shampoo! Regular shampoo just adds calories, so if you switch to diet shampoo you could have more cheesecake! It's so easy. Stop overwhelming your outfit and buy up all the shares you can get for diet shampoo. The Waffle House is never wrong. It will be bigger than the plexiglass craze. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Their you are, coming back from somewhere you’re not supposed to be, when suddenly your Crown Vic slows to a crawl all by itself. You got gas, what's going on? Welcome to the New America Jerry Wayne, where the correct people can turn off your ride right there from Kamala’s desk! Could be worse - you could be coming back from an Orange Man rally or just picking up a new crab net at Bass Pro Shop! You’d be sitting there all night then to think about what a bad boy you’ve been, you filthy pig. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands