Talking Toilets William Smith & Alex Hope

Childhood. In the final – and sweatiest – episode of Lockdown Season (well, you know, the first Lockdown Season...) our hosts travail relentlessly on their quest to unearth the foulest of jakes. Notwithstanding UK "government" "advice", Will and Alex continue their roles as public servants to explain how to control the virus in cramped, cold and old prison cells, airing cupboards, and wipe-clean kitchen floors.

Should space even be a frontier at all? Is dressing up in a fox fur scarf and nothing else conducive to a modern-day superhero outfit? Do you remember getting bathed in a sink? These are questions on nobody's lips; our hosts' answers are the exact knowledge you need to keep you safe in the most ill-approached situation in worldwide living history.

Join them in the cold bath once every two hours, or perish in 47ºC heat along with the weak and infirm, and they will guide you to reach a stalwart of stools, a prime potty, a tip top thunderbox and to flush all your blues away.

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DISCLAIMER: If you (like our hosts) currently find yourself weighed down by the events, the dark thoughts and the pains of the times we are living through, this episode may be for another time. 

The Blue Episode. Will and Alex are going through the motions (a figurative number 7 on the Bristol Stool Chart). Times have changed in that you are now listening to the musings of two re-conscripted service droids who are driving and serving their way to oblivion and nothing will sate their grizzly appetites other than to ridicule that orange prick across the pond.

Between death-throe groans and heavy exhalations you will experience an accusatory glance at Betty's Tea Rooms in York, an encounter with a predatorily-kind doorman, a trip up four blind summits on the Lomond Hills and – thankfully – an introduction to Will's new kitten, 'Yuki', and Alex's foster dog, 'Bailey'.

As usual, prepare for lashings of politics, admissions of ignorance and lavish, luxuriant descriptions around this week's toilet theme – 'Luxury'! 

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Back In Time. Alex and Will aren't just travelling through the Google News pages anymore, no sir-ee! After a socially distant meet up over the weekend, their urge to boldly go where no man has gone before (lockdown) is at an all time high. Next stop – back in time!

Take a trip on the T.U.R.D.I.S along with our hosts to hear of the euphemistic origins of the word 'toilet', what uses The Good Book has for excrement (not that dear filthy listener...), and how Scotland holds another dubious claim of invention; modern-day flush toilets. 

Toilet News returns with BREAKING NEWS on the crucial and much lauded website LockdownLoo.com and an arguably un-important and un-lauded  piece of popular culture news. 

'Gardy Loo!' Long ago this phrase warned of recently defenestrated excrement, now it's a perfect disclaimer for the episode you've just downloaded. Enjoy and 'Keep Flushing'!

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Around the World. Prepare yourself for some wildly-differing quantities of research as Will and Alex set off on their first international undertaking!

First stop is Bath, where our hosts investigate the disappearance of Somerset’s most grandly-educated, pale frankfurter Jacob Rees-Mogg, then Linslade where Alex meets a particularly angry ‘Charlotte’, then across the pond to America where the Angry Orange is wasting pools of water despite his best efforts, then into space dodging frozen turds on the way, then finally back down to Earth to Afghanistan, the world’s most attractive marketplace for plumbers. The fun doesn’t end there! There will be many, many more (about six more).

STOP PRESS! The Daily Express may have come up with something useful! If that’s not enough of a headline in itself, tune into Toilet News for a segment that will explode, implode and physically abuse your preconceptions!

There aren’t many dates on the calendar that enthuse Will and Alex, but the 19th of November will now hold the ticket… its World Toilet Day –– a devotion to one of the world’s most important inventions. Now completely coincidentally, the 19th of November is also the ceremonial milestone ‘Talking Toilets Best of Toilets’ Award presentation day!

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Down On Your Luck. If toilets could talk would they spend most of their time with a therapist? Alex's definitely would... Will's reaction to a certain Pizza Express toilet in Kent however could be judged as approach-avoidance conflict by that aforementioned shrink. 

Listen, this week the conversation turns to Freud, okay? So, if you're wondering why this bio is getting a little sure of itself, come place your hand on your chin – or your temple – and nod along thoughtfully. Join our hosts, asking questions like; '...and how does that make you feel?', '...where do you think that comes from?' and '...why do you think your mother keeps texting you about small plastic bags that you urinate into?'. 

That's right! 'Shewee' ain't just for 'shes' no more and guess what – the boys are not shy about it! Tune in, find a quiet corner in your tube carriage, and appraise the Peebol along with Will and Alex! DISCLAIMER: TALKING TOILETS IS IN NO WAY (YET) SPONSORED BY PEEBOL, SHEWEE OR ANY OTHER BRANDS (THAT THEY WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO BE SPONSORED BY) OF TOILET PRODUCT. 

What was that, "more" did you say? How about the Coriolis effect, updates on asparagus (and beetroot), an entire Simpsons episode synopsised on demand and a manifesto for theatregoers' conveniences – all brought to you for FREE by Talking Toilets!

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A Shwipe. Back with Khazi-cal quarantine correspondence Will and Alex try out potential, new careers; fire investigators, bidet manufacturers and human rights activists better get their shit together! On the 2020 International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia & Biphobia, toilet news takes to task Oxfordshire County Council and asks (of their obtrusive ruling), 'why'? Southward ho! In Chichester Alex finds a toilet in a cupboard and Will reminisces about his parents' Eastbourne spare room sink.

Talking Toilets is a new podcast by William Smith and Alex Hope about all things toilet. Need to know the ideal places to go while in public? No doubt! Are you constantly wondering if you have normal lavatorial habits? Of course! Amazed by facts like an average person’s life containing 92 days on the toilet? Us too! Join Will, Alex and guests as they discover the lowest of latrines, the pinnacle of the privvy, and all that sloshes between.

Please like & subscribe to our podcast. If you’re the best, rate & review on iTunes and leave us a suggestion on our socials!

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