Groomed Denis Marier

Denis Marier welcomes you to the sixth episode of Groomed, a podcast for male survivors of childhood grooming and sexual abuse, and their loved ones.
 
In this final episode of Season One of Groomed, Denis continues sharing his story of the damaged years in his search for healing as he descends into the underground. This is the hardest episode for Denis as he admits to some things that he would rather have remained private, but half of a story would not be sincere. Being a male survivor of childhood grooming and sexual abuse includes the destructive and addictive behaviors that Denis and other survivors tend to fall into. Every step of the journey was necessary in the process of getting to where he is today, and that is where the value of this episode resides. He is releasing his shame by talking about the ugly bits of his recovery. This episode contains graphic content of addiction and sexual trauma and listener discretion is advised.
 
Key Takeaways:
[2:15] Denis was in Toronto and avoided sharing with his friends and family the true nature of the life he was living.
[4:11] Denis explores his spirituality, while battling multiple addictions at once, some of them opening amazing doors into love.
[5:57] Denis opens up about several addictions in his past and putting himself in very dangerous situations.
[8:04] The moment Denis realizes he was not healing from what happened to him in high school.
[9:39] Denis traveled around the world, running from himself at the same time as he was trying to find the good in himself.
[11:14] Ecopsychology unexpectedly opened up an intense way to dive deeper into his healing journey.
[13:05] Denis did his fourth Vision Quest in Utah and realized that he had to go back to the police.
[14:05] The kindest thing: The kindest thing Denis could do for himself was to open up the story and stop protecting the secret for them both. The kindest thing Denis could do for the perpetrator was to go to the police and give him the chance to own his misdeeds. Somehow, there seemed to be honour in that.
[15:03] In conversation in a bar in Toronto with a friend of a friend who also went to Riverside SS, Denis realized that he was not the only victim of the teacher.
[16:12] The moment Denis realized he cannot keep his job since he had unfinished business back in Windsor, and the turning point of his 40th birthday.
[19:57] Denis talks about his profound, deep, social anxiety.
[22:01] John shares how an intervention needed to be organized since Denis was obviously out of control.
[23:19] John talked with one of Denis’s siblings about the intervention, who ended up telling Denis about the plan.
[26:29] Denis did a two-week detox and then entered a 3-week drug and alcohol re-hab program.
[27:22] The massive impact of hearing the word “rape” to describe what happened to him.
[29:27] When Denis was finally ready to give his statement to the police, his therapist stood up and dialed the police department immediately.
[30:29] Denis tells John that the police were charging the teacher and John’s reaction.
[32:23] The teacher was arrested on Denis’ complaint alone and charged with six counts of sexual assault. Meanwhile another victim also spoke up adding up to the charges.
[35:30] The #MeToo movement provided an incredible platform for female victims of sexual violence. With gratitude, Denis is hoping that male victims will be able to support each other in the same way.
 
Mentioned in this Episode: 
Groomed Podcast
Groomed on Facebook
Groomed on Twitter 
 
Canada Suicide Prevention Services
Victim Services Ontario
Support Services for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse program 
 
Tweetable and Quotes:
“I was trying to survive, and I thought I was doing an okay job, but it was a downward spiral.” @groomedpodcast
 
“I wasn’t looking for any sort of reward, I just needed to be heard.” @groomedpodcast
 
“The kindest thing I could do for myself was to tell

Denis Marier welcomes you to the fifth episode of Groomed, a podcast for male survivors of childhood grooming and sexual abuse, and their loved ones.
 
In this episode, Denis opens up to his lifelong friend, John Conlon, about the state of his mental health issues and challenges with various addictions that John never even knew about. 
Following the sudden death of his oldest brother Jerry, Denis began in-depth counseling for the first time in his life. In addition to Denis’ grief and attempts to understand his childhood, he began to unravel the damage inflicted by the grooming and sexual abuse in his teenage years. 
 
They talk about the years of damage trying to come to grips with what had happened and Denis’ attempts to heal. John holds Denis’ feet to the fire and asks the question many people have been asking, “Why did you remain friends with him for so long?” 
 
Denis reveals the torment of trying to protect the secret and the damage it caused to his psychological and emotional health and well being.



Key Takeaways:
[2:12] John gives a timeline for the events of Denis’ early university years.
[3:28] John and Denis discuss their memories of the incident when John realized something about the relationship with the teacher was very wrong.
[7:22] Denis moved to Japan and became a high school teacher himself. He still maintained a friendship with the teacher, but the reality of the abuse began to sink in.
[8:44] Back in Windsor, Denis attempts sucide for a second time and overdoses on seizure medication.
[9:01] Denis talks about the night terrors he started to experience when he was in university.
[10:10] Denis realized he needed to move away from Windsor again and relocated to Burlington, ON.
[10:50] Denis disclosed the abuse for the first time to a paralegal in a darkened parking lot.
[11:43] Denis wrote his last letter to the teacher in 1996, threatening to go to the police.
[13:00] John and Denis reminisce about sitting in the garden in Burlington, and when Denis opened up to John about what really happened in high school.
[13:21] John admits that many people had suspected that something inappropriate had occurred, but no one asked Denis about it.
[14:35] Denis considered going to the police but told John, “I don’t want to put my family through that.”
[15:24] Denis recalls the time in high school when he opened up to a high school counselor and was then threatened by the teacher.
[16:47] Denis talks about being on antidepressants since his first suicide attempt at 16 years-old. A few years later, after a head injury, he was put on antiepileptic medicine. Those medicines were not compatible and chaos ensued.
[17:47] September 1996: Denis began naturopathic medical school and revealed his history to a school therapist.
[19:01] January 1997: The school therapist sends Denis for a psychiatric evaluation. Denis’ GP disagrees with the initial report and sends Denis for a second evaluation.
[19:57] February 1997: Denis is diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II, Rapid-Cycling and started on medication.
[20:26] March 1997: Three weeks later Denis’ oldest brother, Jerry, died suddenly in a snowmobile accident in Michigan.
[20:45] The sudden and tragic death of Denis’ oldest brother created a nearly unbearable survivor’s guilt for Denis and he blamed himself  for his brother’s death. “Because I told my story, he died. It was my fault!”
[24:19] Denis went to the police for the first time, but he was dissuaded from pursuing criminal charges against the teacher being told, “Unfortunately, being a faggot isn’t a crime anymore.”
[26:35] Denis tries to wrap his head around the fact that it was never his fault.
[28:41] Coming out to his family and friends as gay man felt like a “social experiment.”
[29:39] Crossing paths with the teacher on the day he came out to his parents, Denis confronted the teacher and said, “We need to talk!” Denis told the teacher

Denis Marier welcomes you to the fourth episode of Groomed, a podcast for male survivors of childhood grooming and sexual abuse, and their loved ones.
The tipping point for social change most often occurs when there is a shift in consciousness. We need a tipping point around the shame and stigma of being a male surivor of childhood grooming and sexual abuse. Reducing stigma for male survivors is necessary to help ease their suffering. For many survivors, staying silent only perpetuates their pain. Many years of therapy and sharing his story in Sacred Healing Circles have helped Denis to find some amount of peace. 
In this episode, Denis continues sharing his story with John, and the challenges of the last years of high school and university years. John bears witness to certain events of those years that were cause for concern. This episode contains graphic content of sexual assault and listener discretion is advised.
Key Takeaways: 
[2:27] The teacher tries to normalize sexual relationships between men in the military and Denis acquiesces.
[3:16] Denis feels like he has control of the situation. 
[3:42] Nearly discovered in an incident on his boat, the teacher silences Denis with his hand.
[4:50] The teacher behaves as if it was a game.
[5:59] Denis admits to Mike that the teacher tried something.
[8:17] Psychologically confused, Denis vows it would never happen again.
[8:41] Denis feels he invited it because he acquiesced.
[10:05] John questions Denis as to why he and the teacher remained friends through Denis’ university years.
[10:44] John asks Denis about the psychic tear of his last year in high school.
[11:24] Denis goes to leadership camp and thrives.
[12:21] Denis gets involved in the student council at the provincial level.
[13:45] Denis begins dating Kelly and the teacher keeps his distance.
[15:05] John recounts his earliest suspicions that something had changed in Denis’s relationship with the teacher.
[16:16] Denis recounts how the teacher began to criticize Denis’s appearance. “You look sloppy!”
[17:40] Denis is appointed “chaperone” for the high school band trip.
[18:09] The principal questions Denis about the room arrangements.
[18:25] John reacts to Denis sharing a hotel room with the teacher on the band trip.
[18:43] Denis feels shame and blames himself.
[19:49] Denis says, “Yes, you can do that if you wish.”
[20:50] The teacher pays for a cab for Denis to visit his estranged grandmother in Brooklyn.
[22:13] Denis phones his grandmother and arranges the visit, with Kelly and the teacher.
[24:39] Denis sees his grandmother alive for the last time and feels obliged to the teacher.
[26:51] John redirects and asks Denis again why he continued to maintain a friendship with the teacher.
[28:13] The teacher helped Denis get into university and built a loft for his dorm room with him.
[29:00] Denis suffers a brain injury and the teacher takes him to Florida for reading week.
[31:25] Denis goes to a gay bar in Florida with the teacher.
[32:53] Denis threatens to call his cousin to come to arrest the teacher and the abuse stops.
[33:15] Denis speaks at the Canadian National Youth Leadership conference in Halifax on an all-expenses-paid trip with the teacher.
[34:05] Denis talks about the second-last incidence back at the teacher’s house the year prior.
[34:31] The teacher shows Denis his pistols and threatens him.
[35:55] Denis travels again to speak at the next Canadian national youth conference in BC.
[36:44] Denis talks about the “shame loyalty” that prevented him from telling anyone about his secret.
[37:37] Denis remembers vividly the coat he was wearing when the Corvette incident happened.
[38:02] Denis recounts why he kicked and cracked the dashboard of the teacher’s Corvette.
[38:30] John asks the teacher about his dashboard and Denis shuts the teacher do
Mentioned in this Episode: 
Groomed Podcast
Groomed on Facebook
Groomed on Twitter

Denis Marier welcomes you to the third episode of Groomed, a podcast for male survivors of childhood grooming and sexual abuse, and their loved ones.
 
Statistics state that one in six men have been groomed and sexually abused in childhood. Denis Marier believes that statistic to be higher due to under-reporting as men have traditionally not spoken of their experiences. The highest rates of suicide in Canada are among men from 40 to 49 years old, and suicide is the second leading cause of death among youth and young adults between the ages of 16 and 24. Childhood grooming and sexual abuse could be the root cause of the majority of these deaths, many of whom take their secrets to their graves.
 
Denis has fought a lifelong battle with suicidal ideation due to the shame and trauma he has been working through, and has survived several attempts. No one else needs to die. What is needed is an open and honest discussion about the topic of men and male survivors of grooming and sexual abuse in order to continue deconstructing the stigma around it.
 
In this episode, Denis continues relaying the story of the grooming and sexual abuse at the hands of a high school teacher and trusted mentor. He opens up about the first attack and the day that changed everything, the day that permanently scarred him and separated his life in two: before the first rape, and afterwards. He then talks about the second rape and the confusion that followed. This episode contains descriptions of sexual assault and contains explicit and triggering content. Listener discretion is advised.
 
Key Takeaways:
[3:11] Denis tells John about the moment in his life when everything changed.
[7:01] 16-year-old Denis, passed out drunk.
[10:01] Denis talks about the confusion and desperation of not knowing what had happened to him.
[12:04] Denis describes going home after the first rape trying to act normal.
[14:12] Denis shares how he wanted to tell his father about what happened with the teacher.
[15:41] Fear causes Denis to keep the secret; fear his oldest brother would retaliate, and fear that his father would blame him for the assault.
[18:42] The day after the first rape, hung over, confused and filled with shame, Denis was taken to the marina by his father who seemed to be looking for the teacher. It was the day Denis began to lie and keep the secret.
[22:39] Feeling dirty and not being able to get past it.
[23:40] Denis confronts the teacher who was terrified, swore it wouldn’t happen again, and threatened to kill himself if anyone found out.
[25:17] The duties of school and student council consume Denis and he begins to let his guard down after the teacher vows it would never happen again. Denis tries to go back to normal and bury what had happened.
[27:40] Six months later Denis was raped by the teacher for a second time.
[32:18] Denis was terrified the teacher had given him AIDS.
[35:41] John realized something had changed in the relationship between Denis and the teacher.
[38:50] Denis decided he wanted to quit the student council but the teacher convinced him it was not a good move for him and promised he would never attack him again.
[42:11] John remembers a trip to Quebec where he realized something was certainly wrong and abusive.
[44:25] Denis shares the statistics with regards to suicide rates.
[46:35] The teacher tried to normalize the relationships between men and boys by talking about examples from the military and history.
[47:53] The perpetrator seduced Denis and made him feel he was in control.
[49:28] Almost discovered during an incident on the boat, the teacher clamps his hand over Denis’ mouth and holds him down so he can’t scream out.
 
Mentioned in this Episode: 
Groomed Podcast
Groomed on Facebook
Groomed on Twitter 
 
Canada Suicide Prevention Services
Victim Services Ontario
Support Services for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse program 
 
Tweetable and Quotes:
“It was a beautiful, s

Denis Marier welcomes you to the second episode of Groomed, a podcast for male survivors of childhood grooming and sexual abuse, and their loved ones.
 
In this episode, Denis and John discuss how Denis started to fear his predator in highschool and the onset of the grooming behavior,  how boundaries became blurred as he spent more and more time alone with him, confiding and even gradually starting to trust in him.
 
Key Takeaways:
[2:40] “A boy always has to be masculine and like girls.”
[5:20] Denis shares about the experience of coming to highschool.
[9:17] Becoming part of the student council.
[14:10] Denis and John talk about the perpetrator, a teacher, and how he conducted himself at the school back in the ‘80s.
[16:25] Inappropriate jokes and behaviors started to become noticeable.
[19:15] Denis talks about how the grooming started.
[21:50] Denis remembers the confessions with the priest who he first talked about his doubts in regards to his sexuality.
[25:44] Denis began to confide in this teacher in many ways.
[26:36] Denis talks about how his relationship with his father started to become more debilitated and how simultaneously the bond with his predator became stronger.
[29:15] Denis shares about the time he was caught by his mother with a girl in his house when they were supposed to be at school.
[33:44] Rumors started to spread about this teacher’s behavior with students.
[35:18] Denis talks about how in grade 11 he started to spend more and more time together with the teacher.
[36:35] Denis shares how he started drinking alcohol and cutting himself.
[40:55] Denis talks about how this teacher began to give him presents.
[43:23] In the next episode, Denis and John talk about the day that everything changed.
 
Mentioned in this Episode: 
Groomed Podcast
Groomed on Facebook
Groomed on Twitter 
 
Canada Suicide Prevention Services
Victim Services Ontario
Support Services for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse program 
 
Tweetable and Quotes:
“He took me to all these fancy places and he always paid.” @groomedpodcast
“Alcohol became the way not to feel the confusion.” @groomedpodcast
“Healing happens the moment we feel heard.” @groomedpodcast

Denis Marier welcomes you to the first episode of Groomed, a podcast for male survivors of childhood grooming and sexual abuse and their loved ones.
 
Denis is a survivor of childhood grooming and sexual abuse by a male high school teacher. He was blessed with the support of many friends and family members in his journey through healing from what never should have happened to him or any other boy. Healing can happen.
 
In this first season of Groomed, Denis tells his story in conversation with his lifelong friend John Conlon. Common interests and shared experiences forged an invaluable friendship. In today’s episode, they discuss their childhood and the circumstances that shaped the person a predator chose.
 
Key Takeaways:
[2:30] Denis talks about what looked like a normal childhood and how his friendship with John began.
[4:59] John talks about the perceived tensions during his childhood.
[7:36] No child wants to share the struggles lived at home.
[9:10] Denis shares how he developed unclear boundaries after finding an older boy masturbating who invited him into what was interpreted as “play,” and was meant to be kept a secret.
[11:03] The secret became normalized.
[11:54] Secrets are a form of protection when you don’t want to hurt anybody.
[14:40] Denis talks about becoming a “caretaker” for his mother and how that influenced his character as a people pleaser.
[16:02] Denis tended to seek approval as a child.
[18:30] Denis talks about distinguishing himself from his siblings and vying for his parents’ attention.
[20:25] The impact of certain teachers in Denis’ youth.
[23:03] Approval seeking blurred with a lack of boundaries in Denis while growing up.
[24:33] Denis heard from a teacher: “You are a leader,” and that left a mark on him.
[26:05] Secret keeping was a part of Denis' childhood.
[27:15] Denis had an overprotective mother.
 
Mentioned in this Episode: 
Groomed Podcast
Groomed on Facebook
Groomed on Twitter 
 
Canada Suicide Prevention Services
Victim Services Ontario
Support Services for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse program 
 
Tweetable and Quotes:
“Secrets can set children on a path where they become vulnerable to sexual predators.” @groomedpodcast
 
“When a child puts his parents’ needs before their own, that child doesn't really learn healthy boundaries and grows up being a people pleaser.” @groomedpodcast

“Healing happens the moment we feel heard.” @groomedpodcast