You Can Mentor: A Christian Mentoring Podcast You Can Mentor: Faith-Based Mentoring for Churches, Non-Profits, Youth Ministers, and Teachers

Ending a Mentoring Relationship Well

What do you do whenever major life circumstances pop up that get in the way of your mentoring relationship?

Maybe your mentee goes off to college or moves to a new community?
Perhaps you get a new job and have to move across town or to another state?
What if you started mentoring when you were single, but now have a family with a bunch of little kids running around?

Whatever the case may be, the reality is there will probably come a day when your mentoring relationship ends. When this happens, finishing well and providing healthy closure is key in maintaining a positive outlook on the mentoring experience. 

For me personally, I had a lot of mentors in my life, and anytime one would leave… I would take it personal. This had nothing to do with my mentor, but everything to do with my past.

We must remember that our mentees are kids. Some have wounds, significant wounds, that haven’t been healed yet. Grace has to abound with our mentees. You may do everything right, and they will still be hurt and mad at you. That’s ok. You are strong and mature enough to absorb that. 

Some of our mentees have been abandoned in the past, either by a family member or by another mentor. Kids who have been left are constantly looking for ways to avoid being hurt. They have a hard time believing the best. They tend to assume the worst, with good reason. 

Them getting into a relationship in the first place takes a ridiculous amount of courage. That’s the thing about relationships, they can be risky. Why? Because you have to give trust. Trust that they will do good by you and not hurt you. 

That is why leaving can be so hard, but here are 5 things you can do to help leave in the healthiest way possible.

Celebrate: We suggest having some sort of event to celebrate your mentoring relationship. Invite everyone who was involved with the mentoring relationship, meaning your family, their family, and any mentoring organization who helped facilitate the relationship. Talk about memories that you created and milestone that the mentee hit. Discuss all the good things that happened in your relationship.Network: If the mentee has a desire to continued to be mentored, perhaps go through your network and see if anyone you know can take your place. You may be in a season where you don’t have the margin to mentor, but what about your co-worker, neighbor, or family member. If the mentee and their family agree to the new mentor, you can help create a new match. Bonus points if the mentee already knows the new mentor and you can facilitate the exchange in person. Promises: Be careful about making promises that you are not sure you can can keep. We all know that we have the best of intentions, but we do not want to disappoint our mentees with unfulfilled promises.Communicate: Even though you may not be formally mentoring your mentee anymore, that doesn’t mean you cannot communicate with them. If you’d still like to stay connected to your mentee, find a time to talk and put in into your calendar. I know a mentor who called his former mentee every Sunday night at 8pm for years. Especially as your mentee grows and matures, It truly is fun to watch them go from child to adult and mentee to peer. Affirm them: Anytime someone leaves a mentee who has been left before, it can create an opportunity for the enemy to creep in and lie to them. I would believe things like “I did something wrong”, “I’m unlovable”, and  “This is always going to happen”. 
If you get the sense that your mentee is feeling abandonment by your leaving, dispel those potential lies by stating the truth: Say “You did nothing wrong and I still care for you”, “You are lovable. This is more about me than you.” and “People will come and go, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you.”

Ending a relationship, especially with a mentee who you have grown close to, will always be a tough deal. But you can facilitate clos

Kindness

Kindness has that middle-child syndrome. Yes, it’s a fruit of the Spirit. But I think we have a funny relationship with the word. We know that we are to be kind. We know a few people who we would describe as kind.

But if we’re being honest, do we really STRIVE for kindness? I think we relegate it to “random acts of kindness” or consider it to be a name of a granola bar, or (if you’re from Waco) you know we have “Be Kind” coffee shops here!

But, how important is kindness, and it is a quality that makes us quiet, meek, and timid?

NO!

Remember, after David recounted all his many savage military triumphs in 2 Samuel 8, we see him sitting on his throne asking himself and everyone around him is there anyone left in the house of Jonathan that he can show KINDNESS to!!!! 

Kindness was David’s goal! So, how can it be ours?

Think Kindness. Is Jesus holding your thoughts captive? Are you meditating on God’s word? Do you strive to have self-control in your thought life? Sometimes, I get bugged by people who aren’t like me. When I think a hurtful thought about someone I don’t see eye to eye with, I stop and center on one redeeming quality about the person no matter how long it takes.Speak Kindness. Make yourself say kind words to and about people. Bite your tongue when you need to. The Bible says we are to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. When you feel yourself speaking overly critical about someone, stop!Do Kindness. Act on the Spirit’s prompting, especially when its inconvenient! Practice kindness and see the benefits. I promise you’ll want more of it in your life.
Make the KINDNESS challenge something you and your mentee can do together. Challenge each other and encourage each other! It will be a fun and bonding experience. 
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Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us!Contact us at zach@youcanmentor.com or at www.youcanmentor.com

Am I Qualified?

When people consider starting a mentoring relationship with a child, one question that seems to always pop up is “Am I qualified?” 

After all, investing into the life of a child is a big deal.

But I think we are asking the wrong question. Instead of asking Am I qualified?”, start asking “Am I a couple steps ahead of my mentee?”

If you are, then you have something to offer. 

Mentoring is not about having all the answers. It’s about allowing someone to accompany you on the journey of life. It’s about entering into someone else’s world and allowing them to enter into yours. This takes a large amount of courage and humility. 

Show them every part of your life. The good and the bad. Let them observe how a Christian handles everything that this world throws at you. 

John Maxwell said “If you want to impress people, tell them about your successes. If you want to impact people, tell them about your failures.”

All of us are a work in progress. The goal is not perfection or having all it all figured out. The goal is to become more like Jesus. 

I hope you are learning new things in all areas of your life. Professionally. Physically. Relationally. And most importantly, spiritually. 

1 Corinthians 11:1 says “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.”

As a a mentor, following the example of Christ looks like this:
Christ loved unconditionally.He forgave his enemies. He accepted people, just like they were. He spend time with God the FatherHe pursued the things of God instead of the things of this world. 
So are you a couple steps ahead of your mentee in life?
Are you doing your best to follow Christ?
Are you willing to allow your mentee into your life and give them an example to follow? 

If the answer to all of those questions is “yes”, then I believe you are qualified to mentor. 

And I am confident that the Lord can use you to poisitvely impact the life of a child. Because the Lord loves to use the most unassuming characters to do his work. 

Moses was given up at birth and a murdered a man. 
David was a shepherd boy.
Mary had a demon and Paul persecuted Christians. 

All were used mightly by God. 

If God can use them, then he can surely use you. 

One of my favorite scriptures is 1 Thessalonians 5:24 “He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.” And if you are watching this video, I’d say there is a pretty good chance that you believe God has called you to make disciples through mentoring. 

It was God who called you. And he is faithful. He will surely do it. How kind of him to let us have a front row seat as we watch him impact the life of your mentee. 

You Can Mentor.   
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Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us!Contact us at zach@youcanmentor.com or at www.youcanmentor.com

Faithfulness over Fruitfulness

Early on in my mentoring journey, I thought mentoring was like a math equation. 

A + B = C

If I showed up + Gave them some wisdom = Growth in my mentee

If I’m being honest, in my naivite, I thought my presence would solve all of my mentees issues. 

I thought, because of me, my mentee would improve academically. 
They would grow spiritually.
It was only a matter of time before they became their best self. 

But what happened when my mentee didn’t grow as fast as I thought they should? How would bad grades or negative behaviors affect our relationship? How would I respond when my mentee didn’t seem to care about what I had to say?

My friends Kyle and Mary mentored twelve kids when they were first married. They started with this group of young men when they were in junior high and continued to meet with them every Sunday until they graduated high school. 

For years, they invested a ton into these young men, and the young men were extremely grateful for their hospitality, wisdom, and guidance. Except for one young man. 

11 of the boys said thank you every week. 1 did not. 
11 of the boys said the group changed their life. 1 did not. 
11 of the boys grew academically and spiritually. 1 did not. 

When the group game to an end, Kyle and Mary looked at each other and said “We sure did make a difference in 11 of the boys lives. Too bad we couldn’t reach that 1 boy.”

Fast forward about 20 years and Kyle is filling up with gas one afternoon. He sees a random man in his late thirties walking up to him. The man leans up against Kyle’s car and says:

“Excuse me. Is your name Kyle?”
Kyle says “Yes. Can I help you?”
The young man says “You probably don’t remember me, but I just wanted to say thank you. I sat in your house every Sunday night for years and didn’t say a word. I’m now a husband and a father and everything I know about leading my family I learned by being in your small group. I couldn’t say it then, but here my say it now. Thank you.”

And he walked off. 

It was that 1 young man. 

For decades, my friends thought that they had missed it with that young man. Because they focused on the fruit and what they could see in that young man, they thought they had failed. But the Lord had other plans. 

Here’s the lesson: 
So often in mentoring, we want to focus on the fruit of our efforts with our mentee. When the fruit doesn’t come, we can get discouraged. And when we get discouraged, often times we don’t show up as often and we even consider quitting. 

We all want to see fruit. 
We want to see our mentees mature. 
Get good grades. 
Come to faith. 
Make good decisions. 

But we can’t control that. All that we can control is being faithful. God’s in chatge of the rest. 

You be faithful to show up, to encourage, and to listen. Be faithful to give them an example of Jesus everytime they see you. Be faithful to pray. To champion. To love unconditionally. 

You toss the seeds. God causes the growth in his perfect timing. This takes a remarkable amount of faith, but we have to trust that God has a plan for your mentee and that he loves them more than we do. 

In 1 Corinthians 3:6, Paul says “I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow.

You may toss the seed, water the seed, and watch it grow. But often times, you play a part in the story of your mentee. You may toss the seed, but someone else may water it. And that’s ok.

Your mentee may rapidly improve and you may see fruit. Or, just like that one kid, you may not see any fruit and it may feel like a waste of time. But you never know what the Lord is doing underneath the hood. Often times, more is happening than we think. 

In mentoring, focus on what you can control. Focus on being faithful, instead of being fruitful. 
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-IPC is a tool to help us understand our mentee (and ourselves)

Identity is WHO WE ARE
Purpose is WHAT WE DO 
Community is HOW WE BLESS AND ARE BLESSED BY OTHERS

I want to paint a mental picture for you on the canvas of your mind: Imagine our IDENTITY in Christ being a firm foundation. The bedrock that Jesus talks about when he mentions the wise builder who built their house on rock instead of sand. 

We should always consider our identity as being firmly rooted like the foundation of the Golden Gate Bridge that runs over 100 feet deep down into bedrock to sustain the wind, ocean currents, and incredible weight of its load. 

Our IDENTITY in Christ is forever. Our foundation should be unwavering. It is the perfect support for the actions of our PURPOSE. So, if identity is the foundation, purpose is the dwelling built upon it! It is the construction of our life’s walls and roof. If we have a high sense of identity but no practice of our purpose, what good does it do anyone? A slab is not a house! 

In the Bible, James tells us that forgetting our PURPOSE is like walking away from a mirror and forgetting what our face looks like. We must be DOERS of the word. James 1:22-25

So, our purpose is the house built on the foundation of our lives. Our community is who dwells inside! Your purpose is meant to be fleshed out with the people who make up your community. It is building a house and inviting people inside it!

Who makes up your community? Are they people who reinforce your identity and purpose or do they distract you from living out who you are in Christ? 

COMMUNITY is powerful. It’s why we encourage our mentees to surround themselves with healthy and positive people who will be an encouragement. It’s why we invite them to church and why we meet with them every week to chat and pray together. 

Christians are not called to exit general culture for the sake of their own holiness. If that were true, no one would hear the Gospel because there would be no one to preach it! However, our mentees should be mindful about who they let into their close “community” as they will be impacted by them. As people, we rub off on each other!

Encourage your mentee to be a light in the darkness but also remain in community with those who love Jesus and have a true sense of who they are and why they’re here!   
--Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us!Contact us at zach@youcanmentor.com or at www.youcanmentor.com

-IPC is a tool to help us understand our mentee (and ourselves)

Identity is WHO WE ARE
Purpose is WHAT WE DO 
Community is HOW WE BLESS AND ARE BLESSED BY OTHERS

King David had a high sense and value for HIS OWN identity, purpose, and community, therefore he was FREE to speak into and bless Mephibosheth’s IPC as well!

-Identity: David sits comfortably on his throne and yells Mephibosheth!
-Purpose: David gives Mephib’s rule over Saul’s kingdom and is not threatened
-Community: David invites Mephib to eat at his family’s table daily because he knows there’s enough food

Our PURPOSE is a direct result of our IDENTITY. How do I know what I’m supposed to do? It all starts with who I am!

One Friday morning I woke up went out to the garage and started working on some furniture for our living room. Fast forward to an hour later when I was sitting in the ER having nearly cut off my toe. The problem was rooted in using the wrong tools for the job and being ill-equipped for the potential dangers of the task. If I had a higher respect for what could happen, I wouldn’t have been wearing flip flops while using power tools in the garage.

There is always a danger in using a tool in a way that goes outside of its identity. Ever use a crescent wrench as a hammer (let’s be honest, we use everything as a hammer!) I once used a pocket knife to unsuccessfully pick a lock (yes I still have the scar on my finger). Ok, yes, I have a track record for confusing a tool’s identity with its intended purpose because I’m lazy and don’t wanna go get the right tool out of the toolbox!  

When we respect and value our IDENTITY as children of God, we make better choices when considering our intended PURPOSE in life which is to worship and serve the Lord! That, in turn, gives us confidence to care for and speak into our mentees’ purpose.  
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Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us!Contact us at zach@youcanmentor.com or at www.youcanmentor.com