Cinemanimals Cinemanimals

Take it to the bank! We dug deep into the pit of the SINERFAMICALS archive for this gem, recorded over a year ago and nearly lost: an hour of absolutely scalding takes and forceful zingers about the saddest animal movie ever made: Robert Bresson’s 1966 bleak as hell AU HASARD BALTHAZAR about a mule named Gus who kicks field goals  a donkey named Balthazar who is repeatedly tortured. This movie is very artful and confusing. We didn’t understand it, and we didn’t like how it made us feel.
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This week we honor America’s Real Team the Cleveland Browns, historic defeaters of the Pittsburgh Steelers, and the NFL franchise most associated with classic animal-based cinema. We’re talking, of course, about D.T. IN ‘DAWG TERRITORY’, a 1988 film featuring Lil’ John Rinaldi as a dog from outer space marooned in the Brown’s locker room, and several ACTUAL Cleveland Browns, such as Bob Golic. Anyway, D.T. and his new Browns friends take on some evil alien cats who, like the Steelers, hate America and are in turn hated and have lasers. D.T. IN ‘DAWG TERRITORY’ is strangely punctuated and you should watch it? It’s brief and free on YouTube.
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Welcome to SEASON FOUR of Cinemanimals, a podcast about relationship problems. This week we watched SKY DOG, which made us sad and angry. It’s mostly Allen’s fault. Most of the episode is about Allen, who recommended SKY DOG to us. Allen is a great guy but he messed up. SKY DOG theorizes a world where you might be in the CIA and not know it, which, actually that sounds great. But don’t watch it! What you should watch instead is Mikal watching movies, a new service we are offering. Anyway, this movie felt like a personal affront to us because there is hardly any dog in it.
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WE ARE BACK!  Season 3 of cinemanimals. This week we watched THE GREAT RUPERT, the 1950 squirrel movie starring Jimmy Durante as a vaudevillle performer who moves his family into a basement apartment, discovering later that the apartment has a hole that rains $16,000 in cash every Friday afternoon. We get to the bottom of everything about 50s culture: milkshakes, horniness, and cans of beans tied to strings, swinging from the rafters, smashing your dingle.  Simon reveals an extracurricucritters film he saw which he claims is mainstream, Mikal opens up his extracurricucritters vault, we don’t remember much about THE GREAT RUPERT, actually we don’t remember anything. Don’t email us.

There are many movies that feature guard dogs, but there can be only one GUARD DOG, an insane 2015 movie about Chance, a boy whose mom dies of cancer, and Abba, a talking dog played by a grown man in a dog suit and voiced by the director. Abba and Chance have a series of adventures that devolve into a Christian allegory, and (spoiler train) at the end a bunch of kids go through a slide, mass hallucinate the same talking dog, and appear to start a church. This movie has everything: an abusive dad obsessed with disposable cups, important lessons about racism, and much more!
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This week we put our therapists on retainer and tuned in to NIGHT OF THE LEPUS, the most frightful film in the entire history of American cinema, in which a colony of rabbits meets the hubris of Texas Science and mutates into a colony of larger, bloodthirsty rabbits. Before certifying NIGHT OF THE LEPUS with the first-ever official Cinemanimals 1000% AA+ rating, Simon launches an exciting, new, and very long segment where he reads the names of animal movies from the upcoming Cannes Film Market. Mikal does his Jay Leno impersonation, Mike tells a story about black market iguanas, and we offer a legally binding taxonomy of which animals are scary. THE NIGHT OF THE LEPUS: we watched it.
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