9 episodes

In my podcasts I wish to educate, empower, validate and help open the door to healing from individuals who have been trapped in narcissistic abusive relationships. Never wanting people to play on the victim role but, rather look for ways to grow and heal from hearing my real life experiences, hearing others or sharing their own. I've learned that a lot of healing comes when we start to share in a safe environment with others who have similar wounds, and with others who have overcome. May the seeds be planted and healthy fruit grow! And remember, love should NEVER hurt!

A Monster I'm Up Against Faye Glidden

    • Education
    • 4.7 • 24 Ratings

In my podcasts I wish to educate, empower, validate and help open the door to healing from individuals who have been trapped in narcissistic abusive relationships. Never wanting people to play on the victim role but, rather look for ways to grow and heal from hearing my real life experiences, hearing others or sharing their own. I've learned that a lot of healing comes when we start to share in a safe environment with others who have similar wounds, and with others who have overcome. May the seeds be planted and healthy fruit grow! And remember, love should NEVER hurt!

    Hatred and Forgiveness

    Hatred and Forgiveness

    Here is another recording I did from a couple of years ago.  I remember that early morning very clearly. I had just done my quiet time with God and was reflecting while my family slept. I am very emotional as I talk in this recording. None of it was prepared or thought out. It was straight form what my heart was feeling at the time. Raw

    As I listened to this recording today, my heart felt heavy yet thankful! Thankful I am no longer that person sitting there crying and reflecting on what has wounded me.  I am now a year out of my narcissistic marriage and my heart and spirit heal more everyday. I am actually thankful for the things I have been through.  Thankful for the things God has carried me through.  All for a greater purpose, a purpose to be able to help others and to understand their hurts, wounds and fears as well as healing. 

    It makes me uncomfortable to think of myself as a victim.  As I listened to this recording I felt like the woman speaking(me) was a victim.  What I do love is that I was becoming aware of what was holding me back. 

    My view on forgiveness still, is that it is important to do so.  My forgiveness came with boundaries to protect me.  I cut my adoptive father out of my life to protect myself and my children. I divorced my narcissistic ex-husband because he was abusing me and was very toxic for my well being. Do I still struggle with hating them? Yes, of course! I really don't put a lot of time or emotion into it any longer because I have let it go.  I am not their victim any longer.  I am stronger. I am healthier mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  I have set an example for my children that they do  not have to tolerate inappropriate behaviors from others, no matter who the other is.

    Forgiveness is for you and only you.  We are human, we will hate. We just can't let that hate consume us. We must forgive the person and hate the actions.  It means letting go but not forgetting.  We don't want to forget the pain or the feeling of hate. It's what protects us from allowing such behaviors again.  I have found such peace in forgiving, not forgetting and cutting out the unhealthy person in my life.  I hope in your journey of healing you will find the tools and strength to do the same!

    • 22 min
    Dealing with triggers well after you have left the Narcissist

    Dealing with triggers well after you have left the Narcissist

    How do you deal with triggers or PTSD when they pop up?

    • 11 min
    The aftermath of being with a narcissist

    The aftermath of being with a narcissist

    Learning to cope with the emotional triggers that hit us after we've gotten out of an abusive narcissistic relationship

    • 16 min
    What It Means When A Narcissist Says "I Love You"

    What It Means When A Narcissist Says "I Love You"

    Here is my voice recording of the letter titled above.  When I first read it I had to read it over and over to let it sink in. It was the first time something validated me in such a powerful way.....as if it were written directly to me.  I hope this gives you the same validation and empowerment it did me. Happy Healing

    The Author is Athena Staik, Ph.D.

    Search for:  What It Means When A Narcissist Says "I Love You"

    • 17 min
    Letting go of unhealthy relationships

    Letting go of unhealthy relationships

    Why are you holding onto the unhealthy relationships in your life? What keeps YOU hostage to them like it did me? I hope you are able to dig deep and find out why so you can start changing that toxic bond!

    • 9 min
    Wishing the monster dead

    Wishing the monster dead

    Here is another voice journal from a year and a half ago while I was still in my marriage.  In this I talk about the desire for the one abusing me to disappear.... In my research and my own counseling for years I learned this is a very "normal" thought process of the one subjected to the constant verbal and emotional abuse, control, gas lighting and manipulation.  We have a bond or trauma bond with our abuser(More on that in the next episode). The reality is we feel trapped and hopeless. As if there is no way out. We are scared and constantly told,

    "We are nothing without them!"

    "I'll take our kids from you..."

     "We will never survive on our own, that we will come crawling back!" 

    "We are nothing without them!"

    "You came with nothing you'll leave with nothing!"

     "No one else will want us or 'love' us the way they do!"

    I now know that was NEVER love! If you've fantasized about something happening so the monster never comes home again, you are not a bad person and there is nothing wrong with you.  It is called survival.  It is the way our minds and hearts feel and process the abuse. This, in our minds is the only way to be free of the abuse and control.  Let's be honest, most of us are afraid to leave.  One, because we believe the lies they feed us and two, we are afraid they will hurt us or kill us.

    This was recorded 1 and a half years ago. I chose while I was still in the madness that I would prep, learn, talk to others, get professional counseling, my counselor was one of the best things that ever happened to me! She validated me and started me on the path of seeing my true worth. Not the worth that had been spewed at me from my husband and past abuses.  She helped to show me I was stronger than that. I gathered an army of help and support(I was very blessed in that department), I bought many household items and furniture and stored them at different friends and families homes. I stashed cash when I could and I bought gift cards and stashed those as well. I took a women's self defense course 2x and became so passionate about it that I was invited to become part of the team to help other women. I was planning my escape. That was probably the smartest thing I did. I went through 2 attorneys.  I fired the first one.  She was a woman on a mission and she wasn't on my side.  I decided that if I was going to go through something so scary that I needed someone who wasn't going to give me opposition.  I had had enough of that over my lifetime! I should also say that it took me over 3 years to file. When I finally found the perfect attorney for my case, my papers sat in his office for a year. I was scared of the unknown and afraid of the monster I was up against.  Tiny and I mean tiny step by steps I moved forward and became more empowered.  Fear still gripped me tightly to the point I couldn't breathe some days, but I was determined. I would look at my beautiful children some days and cry.  I wanted so much more for them! I wanted them to have a whole and healthy family. That obviously wasn't my choice because my  monster wasn't capable of such things. 

    So today I sit in my very own office and write this.....and I'm free of him.  Well....to some degree. We share children together.  I'm just not his to control anymore. There is hope for you! You aren't stuck forever. It may take you a long time as it did me, but everyone's journey is different.  Today as I remember wishing my monster to disappear and never come home.....honestly there are days I still wish that with him being difficult....it's just not a daily thought anymore.  That feeling in it's self was torture.  Take a tiny step forward of getting away from your abuser. That tiny step leads to bigger steps til one day you look back and see how far you've come! 

    • 5 min

Customer Reviews

4.7 out of 5
24 Ratings

24 Ratings

Amyvsings ,

Very validating after being invalidated for years

I find these podcasts extremely helpful. I am married to a narcissist and I am facing the choice of do I stay or go. Dealing with my faith and not wanting a divorce makes it so hard. She is helping me find peace.

Marquea1949 ,

Toxic figuratively and literally

I’ve only listened to your first episode so far but I wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this. My husband was a completely different person while we dated. We dated for four years. I was raised by an alcoholic mother. He was raised by two parents who showed no affection or love after he grew out of possibly age five.
The same month we got Married he changed into a completely different guy. He went from being super mindful of me and that we seemed to be a team together, we shared our feelings freely, then he stopped those things. No longer did he remember me when meeting his basic needs. I also have a faith in God and kept trying to get back to the wonderful dating we enjoyed.
I really want to stop being a victim and forgive myself for staying and hoping for things to be almost perfect again. It took me a long time to accept that I was a means to an end. He knew I valued honesty and that I shared way too much of my internal self. He used his honesty as a carrot to keep me hoping that one day there would be no more secrets or deception. Total mind games that made me angry with myself of not respecting myself and leaving sooner. He continued because I allowed it. We have been married for 24 years. I have moved out but we aren’t even legally separated. I want to stop feeling guilty for finally standing up for myself and and making my voice heard and the consequences of his actions are all coming due. I don’t care how he feels about me any longer. My breaking point was a little over a year ago when he was working from home due to the pandemic, this particular morning he decided to set off four bug foggers (for spiders) under the home while he knew I was still sleeping. He was very well aware of my allergies to chemicals that can trigger my asthma and he knows I have a long history of respiratory problems. The mere fact he “thought it would be fine” showed me just how little he feels or thinks of my life.
Not only did I suffer breathing in those toxic fumes for an hour, his reaction and attitude when he saw me go out to the porch (where he was breathing in nice fresh clean country air) he smiled big and bright at me. I was coughing and choking with burning and tightness in my throat and chest. I felt burning in my face. I had no reason to even expect this to happen to me. He didn’t tell me to wake up or tell me his plans the night before.
He was deflecting my reaction and concern as no big deal. Lying and saying he had been sitting in the living room the entire time I was asleep with the foggers going off and he felt just fine. That was so totally out of character. It felt like he had shame for himself yet was not going to admit it to me. Like he was caught. His main line he goes with when he is asked “why did you do that?” He replies with “I didn’t think it would be much of a big deal.” Yet that was his attitude the entire day and even went into a horrific rage in front of our daughter. Then, on top of all that I was not allowed to bring it up. He accepted he did wrong but showed no compassion or empathy for possibly almost killing me. He forgave himself quickly. I was not able to fully process what happened to me with him hearing me out. His boundaries were that I wasn’t allowed to bring up the past about any of our issues. None of our issues ever were resolved and it kept killing me inside so much so that my physical health was deteriorating. I know I did make some bad choices in how I was trying to cope in our marriage of so much pain. I didn’t pick up any substance addictions, I just internalized and ended up self harming which I still need more healing with.
It took me close to a year to mostly move out to one of our two rental homes an hour drive from where he lives.
I don’t know what my future holds, but I do know that your message so far has helped me. I heard from him several times that we are supposed to forgive 70 times 7 or vise versa. He also told me to find in the Bible where it says he should stop honoring his mother and father. His mother was extremely cruel to me and he was just as bad as she was. I would tell him it was in our vows to honor one another above all others. He dismissed it.
So I am learning to have more trust in myself and make decisions that I felt were only up to him. He is still financially controlling over me.
We still interact with one another because we share time raising our amazing daughter. I do my best to stay on the surface when speaking with him, yet my tolerance for small talk or just about current events, really is low. I stress out and almost really decline the progress I was starting to make.
I will be listening to all of your shows in a few moments. I am sure they will be so very helpful. I am seeing a psychologist who specializes in narcissistic abuse. He was even trying to control how often I was allowed to go there financially. Thankfully she won’t do every other week. She has a strict schedule of weekly visits and so glad she does. I had not thought of his wanting me to go every other week as controlling me but she was ready for that. I’m making my place my own safe haven retreat style to create peace and relaxation.
Here’s to new beginnings and being who God wants me to be. Thank you again.

midrashportzcova ,

There is no justice

There is no excuse for the abuse they dole out constantly! Its sick when people question well what did you do or say to cause them to do this to you? No! No excuse for abuse! Ever!

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