Access Denied

A mother mourning the loss of her daughter discovers that she has lost something else important to her.

TRANSCRIPT

SPEAKER 1: The purpose of this podcast is to educate and to inform. This is not a substitute for professional medical care and is not intended for use in the diagnosis or treatment of individual conditions. Guests on this podcast express their own opinions, experience, and conclusions. The mention of any product, service, organization, activity, or therapy should not be construed as an ASCO endorsement.

SPEAKER 2: Welcome to JCO's Cancer Stories, The Art of Oncology, brought to you by the ASCO Podcast Network, a collection of nine programs covering a range of educational and scientific content and offering enriching insight into the world of cancer care. You can find all of the shows, including this one, at podcast.asco.org.

ELIZABETH CONROW: Access Denied, by Elizabeth Conrow. I lost my daughter, Amanda, in 2015. She was diagnosed with a brain tumor at age three and was in treatment for 2 and 1/2 years. Less than two weeks after she died, friends and family were getting on with their lives, but I was still in shock. I couldn't believe that Amanda was really gone.

Early in the day, I looked at my kitchen table and tried to imagine her eating a bowl of rice, an unusual breakfast for a five-year-old. But that was Amanda. My eyes filled with tears as they rested on the empty chair. She was really gone.

In that moment, standing in the kitchen, I struggled to remember every detail of who she was. It felt like the memory of her was slipping away. My heart beat quickened, and my mind raced with compulsive nagging thoughts. How tall was she the last time we were in the outpatient clinic? How much did she weigh?

I realized I would never be able to put her on a scale again or mark her height on the cupboard door. I fear that this information would be lost forever, just like Amanda. I moved to my computer and started to log on to our hospital's online patient portal to see if I could find answers to my questions.

How many times had I logged into this system looking for Amanda's test results or to message one of her doctors? How many times did it serve to confirm appointment times or remind me of medicine doses? I clicked the Sign In button, and my heart stopped. I couldn't get in.

Instead of viewing her chart, I saw an alarming red stop sign and a message saying "access denied." I stared at the screen in disbelief. Just two weeks after losing my daughter, I faced yet another heartbreaking and unexpected loss. I no longer had access to Amanda's medical records. I no longer had a connection to her medical team and the hospital family I had grown to love and care for.

Everything Amanda had been through for the last 2 and 1/2 years was gone. It was as if she never existed. She had vanished. I was caught off guard, deeply saddened, and utterly unprepared to have this connection to the hospital and this connection to Amanda ripped away.

I was confused and embarrassed by my emotions. I certainly didn't need this access. But I was devastated that it had been taken away. I reached out to my daughter's oncologist to ask how and why the patient portal had been turned off. I let him know that it was really important to me to be able to view Amanda's records, at least for a time.

It had never occurred to him that a parent might want to see this information again. He explained that it was a system designed safety measure that automatically turned off access to an account once a patient had died. I was the first parent to reach out to him with this question.

Amanda's oncologist immediately contacted the online records office to reactivate her chart so I could search out answers to some of my questions. It brought me so much comfort to be able to go back in and revisit her medical journey. As I thanked her doctor, I shared with him how important it was to protect families from this type of trauma. I didn't want another family to experience this pain.

He listened and helped put a manual reactivation system in place. Going forward when a child died, the online records office would manually reactivate each pediatric account individually. It wasn't a perfect solution, but it was a step in the right direction.

It has been six years since Amanda's passing. I am now the bereavement coordinator at the same hospital where she received care. When I started in this role, I was surprised to learn of several families who, like me, had been denied access to their child's medical record. Hadn't the hospital resolved this issue years ago?

I was frustrated that our institution hadn't found a better solution in the six years that passed. Last spring, as I followed up with bereaved families from our hospital, I had a conversation with a mother, Diane, that was hauntingly familiar and heartbreaking. Diane and I spoke on the phone shortly after the loss of her son, Evan. As we wrapped up our call, almost as an afterthought, she sheepishly asked about Evan's medical records being deactivated.

I was immediately brought back to my kitchen table and the pain I felt when I experienced this secondary loss just two weeks after losing Amanda. I knew why Diane felt silly asking about this. And I deeply understood her need to log in.

Diana explained that she was creating a record of everything Evan had been through, every transfusion, every chemo treatment, every inpatient and outpatient visit. And she could no longer complete that task. She shared her experience with me.

I know for me, it was really difficult to wake up that very next morning, literally only about 12 hours since he died and not be able to look at it. Even though I know there had been no additional tests run since the last time I had checked, it was my morning routine to look at it. I would check it each morning, even before I got up.

It had been that way for months while we were inpatient. First, looking at his ANC and counts, and then in the final month and a half, checking his bilirubin and liver numbers. There was always that hope that things were going to improve. This would be the day.

So that first and subsequent time was just a blunt reminder that he was gone and there would be no more checking. I wanted to go back and look at his results, too. Oddly, I thought it would make me feel closer to him and closer to the routine I had while he was alive.

Diane wanted to feel closer to her son. I wanted to feel closer to my daughter. Accessing a child's online medical portal is one way a parent begins to come to terms with this impossible loss. Snaman, et al, 2016, suggest that parents who are grieving significantly benefit from the creation and continuation of bonds with a child who has died. Revisiting a child's journey through the lens of the medical portal helps strengthen that bond.

As I looked through Amanda's chart and remembered various times we visited the hospital, it helped me picture her more clearly. And it helped me feel a connection to her that I was deeply longing for. Looking through a child's medical record, while painful, can be part of healing and connection. In addition to creating bonds with a child who has died, the medical portal helps parents stay connected to the hospital and the medical team that cared for their child.

According to additional research by Snaman, et al, 2016, bereaved parent's benefit from the ongoing support of a hospital throughout a time of grief. When a child dies, the secondary loss of the medical community can leave families feeling abandoned by those they have come to trust and depend on. Anyone who had taken care of Amanda felt like family to me.

Sending messages to Amanda's medical team after she died provided a feeling of familiarity when everything else around me was spiraling out of control. A continuing connection with the medical team through the online portal can positively impact grief outcomes for bereaved parents. Accessing a child's medical record provides a grieving family with an easy way to communicate with, and ask lingering questions of the medical team. Access to medical records should not end when a child dies.

The 21st Century Cures act acknowledges the need to provide patients with open notes and immediate access to medical information. As we implement real-time access for living patients, continuing access after a loss should also be considered essential.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, from the Center for Loss, discusses the need to say hello to one's grief and welcome it before saying goodbye to the person who died. In those early months, saying hello to grief meant reading through Amanda's medical records, communicating with her medical team, and uncovering every connection I had to her while she was alive. In some small way, logging into Amanda's medical portal and discovering that she was 42 inches tall and weighed 41.2 pounds brought me immeasurable comfort. As parents grieve the loss of a child, comfort and connection should be readily available without having access denied.

SPEAKER 3: The guest on this podcast episode has no disclosures to declare.

SPEAKER 4: Welcome to Cancer Stories, The Art of Oncology podcast series. With me today is Elizabeth Conrow, bereavement coordinator at the University of Rochester Medical Center and the author of Access Denied. Welcome to the program, Liz.

ELIZABETH CONROW: Thank you so much for having me here. It's an honor to be here.

SPEAKER 4: It is our pleasure. And first of all, let me start by saying I was very moved by the piece. And I'm so sorry that you lived through this experience. And really interested in knowing how you transformed your personal grief into now, your profession.

ELIZABETH CONROW: Sure. Well, it's definitely been a process. Obviously, as a family, we ne