-How can loving baby girls turn into codependent daughters with their mothers?
-What messages do we get from our mothers that lead us to be passive, subservient, and conflict-avoidant?
-What are the initial steps we can take to heal our relationship with our mothers?
Welcome to Episode 93! This week, we are graced with the presences of Dr. Judith Rabinor, psychologist and author of the book, The Girl in the Red Boots: Making Peace with My Mother. Dr. Rabinor talks with me about what codependency between a mother and a daughter looks like, how it starts, and what we can do to start to break the patterns of codependency we have with our moms. You’ll hear me share quotes from Dr. Rabinor’s book and have her expand on how we go from a healthy dependency in our childhood to an unhealthy codependency with our mothers as young women. We conclude with ways for you to start knowing and expressing your own thoughts and needs. It’s a must-listen!
More on this episode’s guest:
Judy is a clinical psychologist, an author and a writing coach who teaches on line. She is the author of The Girl in the Red Boots: Making Peace with My Mother, a unique book integrating memoir, self help for mothers and daughters and a basic introduction to the psychology and psychotherapy of eating disorders.
Facebook Author Page: drjudyrabinor https://www.facebook.com/DrJudyRabinor
Get Judy’s mini book here: https://judithruskayrabinorphd.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Rabinor-Mothers-Daughters.pdf
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More deets on the episode:
We begin with hearing Dr. Rabinor’s definition of codependency: an imbalance of power where one individual is “in charge” and the other is “obedient.” She expands on how the obedient one tends to also be intensively anxious about keeping the other individual happy. This can be with a partner, a parent, a boss, a friend, etc.
We then dive into Dr. Rabinor’s book, The Girl in the Red Boots: Healing My Relationship With My Mother. I read the following quotes and then have Dr. Rabninor expand on related questions:
Page 27: My early programming…is what I learned as a small child who yearned for my mother’s love and approval. Driven to please her, I absorbed and internalized her essence. Unconsciously, a part of me was still devoted to the voice in my head whispering, “Mother knows best.” What does it look like to absorb and interlize our mother’s essence? How do we lose our voices with our mothers when it comes to asserting our needs, disappointments, frustrations? Page 66: …she had betrayed me, her daughter. She had pulled me in to the middle of her drama by asking me to keep a secret [from my husband and brother]. I should have said all of this to her, and I should have asked her why she had to tell me. I should have reminded her that I had just lost my father and was in mourning. I wish I had told her that her happiness about her affair, her comfort…brought me neither happiness or comfort…But I said none of those things. I don’t really know why I didn’t have a voice…” Do experiences like this teach us daughters to prioritize the needs of our