Betrayal nearly destroyed us, but we found ways to rebuild the trust and restore our relationship--and we did it without splitting up! Now our marriage is much better than before.
We'll use our 20+ years of researching best practices to give helpful techniques for your own relationship.
***The (S) after the Episode number means it shouldn't trigger women who are hurting from betrayal. Even still, please use your best judgment.
--Lori and Jay, Relationship Mentors
12 Major Pitfalls of the 12-Steps (after betrayal trauma, abuse and lies) – 3.17S
Addicts have to avoid these major pitfalls if they're going to recover from their addictions… and if they're going to rebuilt trust. This episode also covers signs to look for in order to know if the addict is serious about recovery.
-Some groups allow masturbation
-Knowing what serious recovery looks like
-Applying 12 Step principles to trauma can do more damage
0:42 Major Pitfall One: Some Sex Anonymous groups allow masturbation (and this can lead to more lies)
1:52 Major Pitfall Two: Not being careful in Co-ed groups
3:59 Major Pitfall Three: Using group time to badmouth your wife
12 Common Pitfalls of the 12-Steps (after betrayal trauma, abuse and lies) – 3.16S
Addicts have to avoid these common pitfalls if they're going to recover from their addictions… and if they're not going to make things worse in the relationship.
-Signs of impending relapse
-Sponsorship and Accountability Partnership
-Avoiding becoming a dry drunk
-The "24-Hour Reprieve"
1:02 Pitfall One: Relapse (not knowing the signs of it)***
2:39 Pitfall Two: Confusing the roles of the sponsor and accountability partner / What Jay looks for in sponsors
How can a Loving God Allow… (The Pain of Betrayal, Lies and Abuse) – 3.15S
If God is good, how can He allow things like addiction, betrayal, lies and abuse? In this episode we cover that difficult topic. While we address the ancient saying, "fill up the sufferings of Christ," we also add a caveat for partners who've been lied to and mistreated.
-How can a loving God allow certain things?
-Filling up the sufferings of Christ
-How betrayed spouses can know if they should STOP suffering to get through to the addict
-Kittens & Crawling into God's arms
-We both break down and cry
0:46 How can God allow certain things: First thought (another meaning for "will")
2:35 Second thought (connectibility)
3:20 Third (when the sun always shines there's little…)
The FULL Serenity Prayer (True happiness despite Lies, Betrayal and Abuse) 3.14S
The full version of the Serenity Prayer isn't well known, yet if addict's adhered to, it can bring them happiness—a happiness that can replace the pleasure betrayal and lies bring. This episode covers that, while difficult, courageous surrender is the quickest way to joy.
-The rest of the original Serenity Prayer
-Addicts may not be good at a certain part of this
-Balancing acceptance and abuse
-How surrender isn't passivity
-What happiness will look like on this earth, and when supreme happiness happens
0:00 Intro to the FULL Serenity Prayer
1:13 Living (and enjoying) one moment at a time / this helped heal Lori
3:20 Addicts may not be good at this… but if they could just do this…
3:56 Accepting hardships has a purpose / What led to Jay abusing Lori***
The REAL Serenity Prayer (The quickest way to change your situation) – 3.13S
Most people have heard the first three lines of the Serenity Prayer, but it's usually the popular version. The original version is much richer. And its main tenants are essential for recovery from porn and sex addiction, and especially lies. This episode covers the first three lines of that Prayer. (The next episode will cover the rest.)
-Being 'strong and courageous'
-When the addict's expectations aren’t met
-The quickest way to change our situation is to… but only if…
0:00 Intro to the Original Serenity Prayer
2:15 The second part of the original prayer / What serenity may look like for the addict
3:47 Why we are to call each other into our nobility ("Addicts have to have evidence of life change")***
Step 12: Sharing this Message (Ministering after Lies, Betrayal Trauma, or Abuse) 3.12S
Many recovering addicts create more pain by using this Step to abandon their wives. This episode covers what addicts can do instead, especially if he's betrayed her, lied to her, or used abusive tactics with her.
-Step 12 of the 12-Steps
-Are we really powerless to change others' behavior? (One of the most difficult things for addicts to accept.)
-How addicts can change their thinking (when tempted) and how to NOT cause more pain with this step.
-What Jay's mask wearing looked like, when there wasn't a big spiritual awakening
0:00 Intro to Step 12 (It's not about advertising, it's living it out)
1:44 How To fulfill this step / Addicts' acceptance
3:13 Are we really powerless to changes others' behavior? / When it doesn't work
Honest & Encouraging Info!
Real honest information from very real people.