54 min
Dating Anxiety and the Secret of Sex Appeal Featuring Special Guest Dr. Matthew May Feeling Good Podcast | TEAM-CBT - The New Mood Therapy
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- Mental Health
Loneliness has existed since the dawn of time. I frequently receive questions from lonely individuals wanting to know how to connect, and how to find companionship, intimacy and love. Lonely men ask me, "How do I talk to women?" Lonely women ask, "How can I find a good man?" Regardless of your gender or gender identity, you may struggle to find a loving romantic partner for a variety of reasons, some of which I have outlined in my book, Intimate Connections.
Although dating can be an incredibly stressful, disappointing, and time-consuming hassle, there are tremendous rewards for those fortunate enough to connect and develop an intimate relationship. So today, we address some of those issues.
Our special guest today is Dr. Matthew May. He is a former student of mine, a good friend of David and Rhonda, a regular on the podcast, and a loving wonderful man. Today, Matt brings us a wealth of information for those interested in improving their dating lives, based both on his clinical work, as well as his own experiences overcoming social anxiety, falling in love and being in a loving relationship.
Matt begins with an inspiring reminder of why we would go through all the trouble, stress and disappointment inherent to dating, highlighting some of the rewards that await those who are persistent, including how good it feels to be understood, accepted, loved and cherished by someone who feels the same towards us. The poetry of his writing is beautiful and inspirational. He also provides some common-sense guidelines for individuals who are interested in dating, so they can do so safely. We then delve into more psychologically complex and personal matters.
Here are Matt's tips on maintaining safety when you are dating someone you don't know for the first time--for example, it might be someone you may have met on the internet. Although these tips are primarily for the protection and safety of women, they may also be helpful to men who are dating.
1. The first time you meet someone you've met on the internet, meet in a public place, like a restaurant or coffee shop, where you'll be safe.
2. Use your own transportation. Don't let someone you've never met pick you up, because then you'll be vulnerable in case things don't go well.
3. Tell someone you know where you're going, and when you're going to return.
4. Get to know the other person as much as possible. What does s/he do, who are his or her friends, and so forth.
5. Don't provide any identifying information, including your date of birth, to anyone you've just met on the internet, as you could be vulnerability to identity theft. Sometimes the most charming people are scam artists.
6. Listen to your intuition. If you have a creepy feeling about someone you're thinking of dating, pay attention to it. Something might be "off" about the other person.
7. Don't drink too much, as you could become a victim of date rape, especially if the man slips a sedative chemical in your drink.
8. Give (or ask for) consent prior to any touching.
Matt emphasizes that emotional vulnerability is the price tag on intimacy, and this can be frightening because we all naturally fear rejection. Matt defines emotional intimacy as being seen as our true and vulnerable self, so we are accepted for who we really are. He talks about how most of us have a deep yearning for this kind of relationship, and yet struggle to be vulnerable and open in ways that make intimacy possible.
Rhonda, Matt and David describe the delicate balance between game playing--which can be crucial in the early stages of dating--and vulnerability, which can lead to a meaningful and lasting relationship. Some people try to skip the game-playing stage, thinking it is too superficial, and try to jump right into vulnerability the moment they meet someone they like. This often leads to rejection. People like
Loneliness has existed since the dawn of time. I frequently receive questions from lonely individuals wanting to know how to connect, and how to find companionship, intimacy and love. Lonely men ask me, "How do I talk to women?" Lonely women ask, "How can I find a good man?" Regardless of your gender or gender identity, you may struggle to find a loving romantic partner for a variety of reasons, some of which I have outlined in my book, Intimate Connections.
Although dating can be an incredibly stressful, disappointing, and time-consuming hassle, there are tremendous rewards for those fortunate enough to connect and develop an intimate relationship. So today, we address some of those issues.
Our special guest today is Dr. Matthew May. He is a former student of mine, a good friend of David and Rhonda, a regular on the podcast, and a loving wonderful man. Today, Matt brings us a wealth of information for those interested in improving their dating lives, based both on his clinical work, as well as his own experiences overcoming social anxiety, falling in love and being in a loving relationship.
Matt begins with an inspiring reminder of why we would go through all the trouble, stress and disappointment inherent to dating, highlighting some of the rewards that await those who are persistent, including how good it feels to be understood, accepted, loved and cherished by someone who feels the same towards us. The poetry of his writing is beautiful and inspirational. He also provides some common-sense guidelines for individuals who are interested in dating, so they can do so safely. We then delve into more psychologically complex and personal matters.
Here are Matt's tips on maintaining safety when you are dating someone you don't know for the first time--for example, it might be someone you may have met on the internet. Although these tips are primarily for the protection and safety of women, they may also be helpful to men who are dating.
1. The first time you meet someone you've met on the internet, meet in a public place, like a restaurant or coffee shop, where you'll be safe.
2. Use your own transportation. Don't let someone you've never met pick you up, because then you'll be vulnerable in case things don't go well.
3. Tell someone you know where you're going, and when you're going to return.
4. Get to know the other person as much as possible. What does s/he do, who are his or her friends, and so forth.
5. Don't provide any identifying information, including your date of birth, to anyone you've just met on the internet, as you could be vulnerability to identity theft. Sometimes the most charming people are scam artists.
6. Listen to your intuition. If you have a creepy feeling about someone you're thinking of dating, pay attention to it. Something might be "off" about the other person.
7. Don't drink too much, as you could become a victim of date rape, especially if the man slips a sedative chemical in your drink.
8. Give (or ask for) consent prior to any touching.
Matt emphasizes that emotional vulnerability is the price tag on intimacy, and this can be frightening because we all naturally fear rejection. Matt defines emotional intimacy as being seen as our true and vulnerable self, so we are accepted for who we really are. He talks about how most of us have a deep yearning for this kind of relationship, and yet struggle to be vulnerable and open in ways that make intimacy possible.
Rhonda, Matt and David describe the delicate balance between game playing--which can be crucial in the early stages of dating--and vulnerability, which can lead to a meaningful and lasting relationship. Some people try to skip the game-playing stage, thinking it is too superficial, and try to jump right into vulnerability the moment they meet someone they like. This often leads to rejection. People like
54 min