Divorce Dialogues Katherine Miller

Most people think of narcissists as obnoxious and self-absorbed. They’re flashy, loud and charismatic. And it’s obvious that they’re looking out for #1.

But a covert narcissist is much harder to identify.

They are generally well-liked and well-respected by others. And the way they manipulate their partner is much more subtle and difficult to recognize.

So, how do you know if you’re in a relationship with a covert narcissist? Is there anything you can do to make the divorce process more manageable?

Debbie Mirza is a speaker, singer/songwriter and restorative coach with expertise in helping people heal from covert narcissistic abuse.

Debbie is also the bestselling author of The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse, Worthy of Love: A Gentle and Restorative Path to Healing After Narcissistic Abuse and The Safest Place Possible: A Guide to Healing and Transformation.

On this episode of Divorce Dialogues, Debbie joins Katherine to discuss what differentiates an overt narcissist from a covert one, explaining why it’s challenging to recognize a lack of empathy in your marriage to a covert narcissist.

Debbie walks us through the three phases of a relationship with a covert narcissist, describing how a covert narcissist cuts off their partner during the discard phase and makes divorce particularly brutal.

Listen in for Debbie’s insight on choosing an attorney who understands narcissism and learn how to protect yourself and your children through divorce from a covert narcissist.

Topics Covered

What it means to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder
What differentiates an overt narcissist from a covert narcissist
Why it’s challenging to recognize a lack of empathy in a covert narcissist
Debbie’s advice for someone divorcing a covert narcissist
The type of person a covert narcissist targets for a relationship
How a covert narcissist’s words and actions don’t match
How a covert narcissist uses their partner as an energy supply
The 3 phases of a relationship with a covert narcissist
1. Love bombing
2. Demeaning and devaluing
3. Discard
What to look for in an attorney when divorcing a covert narcissist
Protecting yourself and your children in divorce from a covert narcissist

Connect with Debbie Mirza

Debbie’s Website:
https://www.debbiemirza.com/
Debbie on Twitter:
https://twitter.com/debmirza
Debbie on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/debbiemirzacoaching
Debbie on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/debbiemirza_author/
Debbie on YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/@debbiemirza1744

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict: http://understandinginconflict.org/
Miller Law Group: https://westchesterfamilylaw.com/
Katherine on LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kemiller1
The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller: https://www.amazon.com/New-Yorkers-Guide-Collaborative-Divorce/dp/0692496246
Email: katherine@miller-law.com
Call (914) 738-7765

Resources

DSM-5 Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
https://www.mind-diagnostics.org/blog/narcissistic-personality/narcissistic-personality-disorder-dsm-5-criteria-and-treatment-option
The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse by Debbie Mirza:
https://www.amazon.com/Covert-Passive-Aggressive-Narcissist-Recognizing-Psychological/dp/099862134X/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
Worthy of Love: A Gentle and Restorative Path to Healing After Narcissistic Abuse by Debbie Mirza:
https://www.amazon.com/Worthy-Love-Restorative-Narcissistic-Narcissism/dp/0998621382/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1637933306&sr=8-1
The Safest Place Possible: A Guide to Healing and Transformation by Debbie Mirza:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0998621307/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i1

After 10 years of working in the divorce business, Judith Weigle reflected on the couples who were able to communicate well and navigate the process with less stress.

And she identified the elements of what she calls a Heart-Healthy Divorce.

So, what steps can you take to make your divorce more amicable and less acrimonious?

Judith is Founder of Divorce Resource, Inc., a firm that provides both mediation and filing services for divorces, legal separations, paternity cases, and post-judgment revisions of settlement agreements.

She has 12 years of experience as a mediator and 10 years in private practice family law. Judith also serves as host of The Amicable Divorce Expert Podcast.

On this episode of Divorce Dialogues, Judith joins Katherine to share the four ingredients of a Heart-Healthy Divorce, explaining how to settle the emotional divorce before you file for a legal one.

Judith discusses how to compartmentalize your time, using work as a respite and scheduling specific times to address your divorce.

Listen in for Judith’s insight on developing a self-care program that includes laughter and learn the communication skills for conflict that will help you sustain a Heart-Healthy Divorce!

Topics Covered

The 4 ingredients of what Judith calls a Heart-Healthy Divorce
1. Settle the emotional divorce before filing for a legal divorce
2. Learn how to compartmentalize your time
3. Learn communication skills for conflict
4. Develop a self-care program that includes laughter
Engaging a therapist or divorce coach to work through the emotional aspects of divorce
Why some attorneys take a scorched earth approach to divorce
How to use work as a respite and schedule specific times to address your divorce
The service Judith offers as a ‘paralegal on steroids’
A mediator’s role in helping divorcing couples come to settlement decisions
Getting educated on divorce law in your state as a first step in the divorce process

Connect with Judith Weigle

Divorce Resource, Inc.:
https://divorceresourceinc.com/
The Amicable Divorce Expert Podcast:
https://theamicabledivorceexpert.com/
The Amicable Divorce Expert on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/theamicabledivorceexpert/
Judith on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/JudithMWeigle
Email judy@divorceresourceinc.com

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict: http://understandinginconflict.org/
Miller Law Group: https://westchesterfamilylaw.com/
Katherine on LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kemiller1
The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller: https://www.amazon.com/New-Yorkers-Guide-Collaborative-Divorce/dp/0692496246
Email: katherine@miller-law.com
Call (914) 738-7765

Resources

Katherine on The Amicable Divorce Expert Podcast:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=VzS5wNj32uA
Bill Eddy at the High Conflict Institute:
https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/bill-eddy
On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross:
https://www.amazon.com/Death-Dying-Doctors-Nurses-Families/dp/1476775540

Communication breakdown in a marriage often leads to divorce.

But the way your partner triggers your nervous system often has nothing to do with them and everything to do with trauma you’ve experienced in the past.

So, what if you could change the way your mind accesses that trauma and stay present with your partner in those moments?

Dr. Don Wood, PhD, is CEO of the Inspired Performance Institute and creator of the patented TIPP method for clearing the effects of traumatic events and rebooting the brain for peak performance.

Dr. Wood is also the author of two bestselling books, Emotional Concussions and You Must Be Out of Your Mind.

On this episode of Divorce Dialogues, Dr. Wood joins Katherine to explain how communication breaks down when the mind perceives a threat and describe how his TIPP method neutralizes our fight-or-flight response.

Dr. Wood walks us through his memory reset process, weighing in on how unresolved trauma adversely effects our physical and mental health.

Listen in to understand how trauma interferes with our ability to perform at the highest level and learn how to interrupt the trauma loop that threatens your marriage!

Topics Covered

The communication breakdown in Dr. Wood’s marriage that inspired his work
How communication breaks down when our mind perceives a threat and activates our nervous system
Why it’s challenging for couples who’ve both experienced trauma to communicate effectively
How the TIPP method works to reset the way our mind accesses trauma
What Dr. Wood’s 4-hour memory reset process looks like
How unresolved trauma impacts our physical and mental health
How the excess cortisol associated with trauma leads to weight gain
Why Dr. Wood suggests that both people in a marriage clear their trauma
How trauma interferes with our ability to perform at the highest level
Examples of professional athletes Dr. Wood has helped improve their performance

Connect with Dr. Don Wood

Inspired Performance Institute:
https://www.inspiredperformanceinstitute.com/
Inspired Performance on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/inspiredperformanceinstitute
Inspired Performance on YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTKWCHeUmPZSqkvuRTblajA
Dr. Wood on LinkedIn:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/dr-don-wood-phd-a71b8412/

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict: http://understandinginconflict.org/
Miller Law Group: https://westchesterfamilylaw.com/
Katherine on LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kemiller1
The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller: https://www.amazon.com/New-Yorkers-Guide-Collaborative-Divorce/dp/0692496246
Email: katherine@miller-law.com
Call (914) 738-7765

Resources

Books by Dr. Don Wood:
https://www.inspiredperformanceinstitute.com/books
Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman:
https://www.amazon.com/Thinking-Fast-Slow-Daniel-Kahneman/dp/0374533555
Adverse Childhood Experiences Study:
https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/about.html

Matthew Fray considered himself a good guy. He didn’t lie. He didn’t cheat. He wasn’t violent.

But his wife didn’t trust him, and the marriage ended in 2013.

What subtle cues did Matthew miss? What led his ex to believe she couldn’t count on him?

Today, Matthew is a relationship coach and writer who leans on the lessons of his failed marriage to help others avoid making the same mistakes he did.

His work has been featured in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and The Atlantic, among many other media outlets.

On this episode of Divorce Dialogues, Matthew joins Katherine to discuss his book, This Is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships.

Matthew shares the mistakes he made in his own marriage, explaining why conversations broke down any time he disagreed with his ex’s thoughts or feelings.

Listen in for insight on what it means to be trustworthy in a relationship and learn how to honor your partner’s experience when they ask for help or tell you something’s wrong.

Topics Covered

How journaling to understand his divorce led Matthew to write This Is How Your Marriage Ends
Why conversations broke down any time Matthew’s disagreed with his ex-wife’s thoughts or feelings
Why it’s crucial to allow your partner the dignity to have their own perspective
How Matthew’s definition of ‘trustworthy’ includes being there when your partner needs you
Why relationships are not sustainable in the absence of trust
How honoring his ex-wife’s experience makes Matthew a more effective coparent
How Matthew made himself the victim every time his ex asked for help or said something was wrong
How failing to consider how your partner experiences you demonstrates a lack of respect

Connect with Matthew Fray

Matthew’s Website:
https://matthewfray.com/
Matthew on Twitter:
https://twitter.com/mbtttr
Matthew on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/matthewfrayMBTTTR/
Matthew on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/frayrelationships/

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict: http://understandinginconflict.org/
Miller Law Group: https://westchesterfamilylaw.com/
Katherine on LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kemiller1
The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller: https://www.amazon.com/New-Yorkers-Guide-Collaborative-Divorce/dp/0692496246
Email: katherine@miller-law.com
Call (914) 738-7765

Resources

This Is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships by Matthew Fray:
https://www.amazon.com/This-Your-Marriage-Ends-Relationships-ebook/dp/B097RPC1SD
‘The Man Who Coaches Husbands on How to Avoid Divorce’ in The New York Times:
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/05/18/parenting/marriage-invisible-labor-coach.html
‘She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink’ on Matthew’s Blog:
https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

In 2013, Ellen Bruno released the documentary Split: Divorce Through Kids’ Eyes. In the film, 12 kids aged six to 12 share their experience of their parents’ divorce.

Ten years later, Ellen sat down with the same 12 kids for a sequel, Split UP: The TEEN Years. What did she learn about how to best support children through the process of divorce?

Ellen is an award-winning filmmaker with a background in international relief work. She is on a mission to change the culture of divorce in our country through her films and the Split Outreach Project.

Ellen is also a recipient of both Guggenheim and Rockefeller Fellowships, a Goldie Award for Outstanding Artist and the Shenkin Fellowship from the Yale University School of Art.

On this episode of Divorce Dialogues, Ellen joins Katherine to explain how kids benefit from hearing straight talk about divorce from other kids.

Ellen shares key lessons from the new film, describing how much time and energy kids spend caretaking their divorced parents and why it’s crucial to tell your children that your divorce is not their fault.

Listen in to understand how Ellen’s films help parents refocus on their kids’ needs and find out how being heard helps children heal from divorce.

Topics Covered

How Ellen’s films give children the opportunity to share their experience of divorce
What makes kids good ambassadors for changing the culture of divorce in this country
How much time and energy children spend caretaking their divorced parents
Ellen’s personal experience with divorce (as a child and adult) and how it inspired the creation of Split
How kids benefit from hearing straight talk about divorce from other kids
How Ellen’s films help parents refocus on their kids’ needs and make more skillful choices
The universal truths that came out of Ellen’s interviews with children of divorce
Why it’s crucial to tell your kids that your divorce is NOT their fault
The profound relationship between parental cooperation in divorce and kids’ wellbeing
Why Ellen suggests opening up a dialogue on divorce with your children

Connect with Ellen Bruno

Split Film:
http://www.splitfilm.org/
Split Film on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/splitfilmforkids
Split Film on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/splitfilmforkids/

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict: http://understandinginconflict.org/
Miller Law Group: https://westchesterfamilylaw.com/
Katherine on LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kemiller1
The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller: https://www.amazon.com/New-Yorkers-Guide-Collaborative-Divorce/dp/0692496246
Email: katherine@miller-law.com
Call (914) 738-7765

Resources

Split: Divorce Through Kids’ Eyes:
https://missionfilms.gumroad.com/l/CrAny
Split UP: The TEEN Years:
http://www.splitfilm.org/professional_video.html
Split Outreach Project:
http://www.splitfilm.org/mailinglist.html
Split Guide:
http://splitfilm.org/order.html
Ellen Bruno on Divorce Dialogues EP045:
https://divorcedialogues.miller-law.com/empowering-kids-to-share-their-experience-with-divorce/
Dr. Christina McGhee:
https://divorceandchildren.com/about-christina-mcghee/

Most women realize that the right team can help us move through the divorce process more quickly and easily.

But what if you’ve already got a therapist and supportive friends and family—and you still feel stuck?

Wendy Sterling is a top divorce recovery coach and healer, life transition specialist and creator of The Divorce Rehab program. She also serves as host of The Divorced Woman’s Guide podcast.

Wendy helps newly divorced women who are having trouble moving forward find joy, self-worth and freedom, and her work has been featured on NBC, The List and Thrive Global, among many other media outlets.

On this episode of Divorce Dialogues, Wendy joins Katherine to explain what differentiates a divorce coach from a therapist and describe how she helps divorced women identify what we want and build a vision for the future.

Wendy discusses what a divorce coach can do that friends and family cannot and walks us through the five steps of her signature Divorce Rehab program.

Listen in for Wendy’s insight on giving your children the tools to respond to questions about your divorce and learn how investing in a divorce coach can help YOU accelerate the healing process.

Topics Covered

What differentiates a divorce coach from a therapist
How a divorce coach helps you focus on where you want to go based on where you are today
How building the right support team accelerates your healing
Why so many divorcing women don’t know what they want and how Wendy coaches them into a vision for the future
What a divorce coach can do that friends and family cannot
Wendy’s 5-step Divorce Rehab program
The spiritual aspect of Wendy’s Divorce Rehab program
Giving your children the tools to respond to questions about your divorce
Why Wendy suggests inviting kids to therapy to process their parents’ divorce
What Wendy would do differently in her own divorce

Connect with Wendy Sterling

Divorce Rehab with Wendy Sterling:
https://wendysterling.net/
Divorce Rehab on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/wendytsterling
Divorce Rehab on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/divorcerehabwithwendy/
The Divorced Woman’s Guide Podcast:
https://wendysterling.net/podcast/

Connect with Katherine Miller

The Center for Understanding Conflict: http://understandinginconflict.org/
Miller Law Group: https://westchesterfamilylaw.com/
Katherine on LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kemiller1
The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller: https://www.amazon.com/New-Yorkers-Guide-Collaborative-Divorce/dp/0692496246
Email: katherine@miller-law.com
Call (914) 738-7765