Love University with Dr. Alexander Avila Dr. Alexander Avila

Do you get stressed, afraid, or sad?  Does conflict with others wear you down? If the answer is yes, there is a solution for you.  It is called empathy: caring and giving with intention—both to yourself and others. Our esteemed guest on Love University, Judith Orloff (drjudithorloff.com), empathic psychiatrist and New York Times bestselling author shared light on the “Genius of Empathy” from her new book with the same title. According to Judith, empathy is an important part of emotional intelligence and a powerful healing tool for ourselves and others.  Here’s what we learned from Judith about the amazing gift of empathy:
*You need to start with self-empathy.  You may be hard on yourself, self-critical and attacking yourself about your flaws and mistakes. This is especially the case for sensitive and caring people who often excessively take on the psychological burdens of others and don’t know how to set healthy boundaries. If this sounds like you, it's important to put yourself in your own shoes and be an advocate for your self-worth and value.  Love yourself by putting your hand over your heart and repeating this phrase: “I forgive myself for my past and I open my heart to my future. I am a loving and valuable human being. I can say “No” to others and still be OK. All is well.”
*Practice empathy toward others.  Place yourself in other people’s shoes; feel as they feel during your time with them.  When someone angrily cuts you off on the road, instead of getting angry in return, you can slow down your thought process and see the situation through their eyes. You can consider, “Maybe they’re having a rough day—perhaps they’re feeling sick or just got into a fight with a loved one. There may be a reason for their behavior that I’m not seeing.” When you substitute your irritation and anger for empathy and love, you start to display compassion, and you have a desire to relieve their suffering. Think about how much the angry person suffers from their own reactions—their face gets red, their veins pop. They can’t really help themselves. Now you can forgive them and move on to a higher plane of feeling.
 
*Develop empathy toward the world.  According to Judith, it’s important to understand the “Power of We” instead of “Us Versus Them.”  The truth is that we are all interconnected as human beings. We all share this planet. We all breathe in air, eat, sleep, love, and work. We suffer from the same feelings of regret, sadness, anger, and frustration. We all want to love and be loved, enjoy life in the way we can, and feel meaningful or valuable in some way. By seeing other people as part of a grand human family, we can develop a global sense of empathy. We can send a healing thought or prayer to people in parts of the world who are in horrible conflict or strife.  Also, by practicing the beautiful Tonglen meditation, we can inhale the suffering of others and breathe out compassion and love.  In this way, we can help heal the world as we heal ourselves.
Empathy is on a continuum. Some people are very empathetic, others moderately so, and some (sociopaths, narcissists) have little, if any, empathy. The good news is that a majority of people can increase their empathy toward themselves and others.  By doing so, you will quiet the unkind voices in your head (self-critical thoughts), and you will befriend yourself and others.  You will also establish good boundaries so you are not overwhelmed by the negativity of others. And, most importantly of all, you will extend loving energy without expectation and shine your light of love to all who may receive it. Empathy is truly a genius, and the genius is in you.
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT. JOIN AVILA AND LOVE UNIVERSITY FOR A LIVE PODCAST AND BOOK SIGNING AT THE LA TIMES BOOK FESTIVAL: SATURDAY APRIL 20TH 12 TO 5PM AT USC CAMPUS, BOOTH 145.  WE'LL HAVE A BLAST, MAKE NEW FRIENDS, AND LEARN VALUABLE KNOWLEDGE. 

Are you an intuitive and sensitive (feeling) person? Perhaps you’re someone who loves psychology, philosophy, spirituality, and finding the meaning of life. If that’s the case, then you may be an Idealistic Philosopher, the rare personality type (about 4%) who believes that “love is the perfect place: quiet, peaceful, and kind.” On Love University, Dr. Avila began a new series on the 16 LoveTypes (Myers-Briggs romantic styles) based on his classic bestseller LoveTypes. In this segment, Dr. Avila reveals the qualities of the Idealistic Philosopher personality and how they can find and keep love. Idealistic Philosophers (INFP on the Myers-Briggs) have these characteristics:
Internal (Introvert) Energy, represented by the letter I.  They primarily get energy from their own thoughts, as opposed to socializing with other people. Although they can be quite talkative and sociable at times, they can get tired talking too much and may need to retreat to a private and quiet place to recharge their batteries.
Intuitive/Imaginative, represented by the letter N.   Idealistic Philosophers view the world through their imagination and their vision of what is possible. They may not be as practical as the other LoveTypes, but they believe they can eventually bring their dreams into reality. They also believe they have a special mission to fulfill in life, and this vision will keep driving their quest for love and meaning.
Feeling/Sensitive, represented by the letter F.   Idealistic Philosophers make decisions primarily with their heart (feelings). If they need to say something to someone and it may hurt their feelings, they may not say it because they want to maintain harmony in the relationship. As feelers, single Idealistic Philosophers are also “hopeful romantics”—they’re always thinking the next person they meet could be their soulmate.
Spontaneous (or Perceiver on the Myers-Briggs), represented by the letter P.  Idealistic Philosophers tend to be playful, fun, and spontaneous. By other people’s standards, especially the more structured types, they may be disorganized and unstructured. However, Idealistic Philosophers don’t see it that way. They would say they are organized in their own way, and they value people and experiences over strict structure.  Their motto is: You only live once, enjoy it.
Therefore, by combining the four letters above, the Idealistic Philosopher is known as the INFP.
Overall, the Idealistic Philosopher (INFP) can be a warmly appreciative and supportive romantic partner.  In terms of challenges, if you’re an INFP, you tend to be hard on yourself (self-critical) so you need to practice self-love and self-forgiveness.  Here’s the good news: If you can love and appreciate yourself as an Idealistic Philosopher, you can attract a like-minded mate who shares your passion for finding a meaning in life. A good match for you is an Idealistic Philosopher or the more structured Mystic Writer (INFJ on the Myers-Briggs).  Regardless of your disappointments in the romantic world, as an INFP you can discover your compatible love partner. When you meet that ideal soul mate, your joy will have no bounds, and you will create a harmonious relationship that lasts a lifetime.  
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT. JOIN AVILA AND LOVE UNIVERSITY FOR A LIVE PODCAST AND BOOKSIGNING AT THE LA TIMES BOOK FESTIVAL: SATURDAY APRIL 20TH 12 TO 5PM AT USC CAMPUS, BOOTH 145.  WE'LL HAVE A BLAST, MAKE NEW FRIENDS, AND LEARN VALAUBLE KNOWLEDGE. 

Is this the year of your prosperity, joy, and love? The answer is a resounding “Yes” according to our distinguished guest on Love University, Marci Shimoff (happyfornoreason.com) the woman’s face of “Chicken Soup for the Soul” series and #1 NY bestselling transformational author (Happy for no Reason; Love for No Reason).  In our delightful conversation, Marci shared the secrets of maintaining your happiness and loving nature and achieving your dreams, regardless of any obstacles and problems you may experience.  Here are some of the marvelous insights we learned from Marci:
*Believe the Universe is Loving and Benevolent.  Happy and successful people expect that good things will happen to them. Because of their optimistic and grateful natures, they are open to new opportunities. They are prepared to accept the best and they often receive the best the Universe has to offer.  Repeat this to yourself every day:  “The Universe has abundant good for me—love, happiness, and success. I just need to open the door to my wonderful good.”
*Build Up Your Emotional Immune System. Mood contagion is what happens when you pick up the moods of other people—either positive or negative.  This is especially the case if you are a sensitive or empathic person who absorbs the energy of others. When you’re around negative people, tell yourself:  “I am my own castle of positive energy; no one and nothing can enter and disrupt my peace and happiness. I am protected and safe.  I am content.”
*Take Ownership of Your Happiness.  According to Marci, many people need to have a reason for happiness (“I need a new job, relationship, house, experience…”).  The problem is that happiness from external things soon wears off and you’re back to the emotional state you had before. Lasting happiness comes when you don’t have a reason for your happiness. You are just happy, period. To develop your inner happiness, repeat this to yourself:  “I will not let any unhappy thoughts penetrate my mind. If a negative thought enters my mind temporarily, I will quickly discard it. I will only allow peaceful and joyful thoughts to penetrate my consciousness. I am happy and free.”
*Raise Your Love Set Point. Love Set point refers to a certain baseline level of loving energy that you tend to have in most situations. The good news is that you can increase your love set point; you can become more loving, and you can feel more loved.  For example, you can practice unconditional self-love by loving the unlovable in you (something you consider unappealing about yourself). Part of this is forgiving yourself for any things you have done that you regret.  Also, you can become more loving toward others by giving fully from your heart—doing altruistic and kind acts to help others (giving money to the homeless, listening empathetically to a hurting friend). At the same time, you can look for the similarities and beauty in others and recognize the oneness of all humanity. Finally, you can connect with a Higher Nature (God, Spirit, nature) that is all-loving and helps actualize your potential to love yourself and others to the fullest.
Yes, this will be the year of your happiness, success, and love.  All you have to do is work from the inside out—develop these traits first within yourself—and then manifest them in the outside world. When you do this, you will attract all you desire:  career and financial success, excellent physical and mental health, and an amazing lifestyle.  Yes, this is your year of wonder and accomplishment. Rejoice in it; excel in it, love it.

Do you have an emotional bully in your life who harasses, demeans, or criticizes you? Maybe it’s your boss, friend, or even your love partner.  Or perhaps you bully yourself relentlessly, pointing out all of your flaws and weaknesses and making you believe you’re a puny little nothing. If that’s the case, then there is help on the way. Our friend and favored guest, Sean Kanan, Emmy winner and beloved actor in the classic Karate Kid and Cobra Kai franchises, graced us with his advice on how to defeat the bullies in your life. Here are some important tips we learned from master teacher Sean (wayofthecobra.com):
 
*Never compromise your character. Stand firm in who you really are.  Don’t let other people try to tempt you or bully you into doing things you don’t really want to do. When you stay true to your inner self—your Hara (center of power in the East)—you will be happy and proud of your authentic nature. No one can push you off balance. 
*Respect yourself and others. Be kind and compassionate to yourself and other people. Although anger is a common reaction when others try to hurt us, we need to rein in our reactions and do what is best for our mental and physical health. See the angry person as someone who suffers from their own out of control nature, while you maintain your calm and peaceful composure. Practice self-care, breathe deeply, meditate, or engage in a spiritual practice. Conserve your integrity and peace of mind at all costs.
*Take a Personal Inventory. Fear is what holds many people back. In a journal or notebook, write down the fears you have in your life. Note the times you have the fear, the intensity of the fear, and what you did to deal with it.  When you do this, you will discover your fear triggers—when and how you become fearful and anxious. Now you can begin to neutralize the fears and focus on the parts of you that are good, powerful, and noble.
*Think From Abundance. Many times our anxieties, worries, and insecurities stem from our belief in lack—we think we don’t have enough; we’re not good enough. As a result, we settle for being with negative and critical people who feed into our erroneous self-belief that we’re not good enough. The simple antidote is to believe that there is an abundance of love, prosperity, health, and happiness for you. When you think from a mindset of abundance, you never have to settle for less. You can live more and love more, always.
Yes, you can defeat inner and outer bullies by the power of your mind. You don’t even have to throw a punch or kick. Most bullies are cowardly, so having a steely inner mind of confidence, poise, and balance will throw them off balance and defeat them. You can also defeat your inner critical thoughts (thought bullies) by saying: “I don’t need to listen to your poisonous words. I can be free, strong, loving, and happy. I am the Cobra. I am Invincible.”

What if I told you about an unsung hero, an American diplomat and businessman, who did incredible things to help America and the world during World War II? This man, one of America’s leading industrialists, put his business career on hold to help save European Jews during WWII, assist in deposing Mussolini, the Italian dictator, and block Germany from succeeding in the war.  On Love University Podcast, we had the pleasure of learning about this mystery man, Myron Taylor, courtesy of award-winning legal scholar, Evan Stewart. In Evan’s latest book, “The Man Nobody Knew,” Evan painstakingly recounts unknown and fascinating details about Myron’s influential, yet modest and humble life, and the way he helped save many lives during WWII. A fascinating portrait of a man who sacrificed for his country and the world, Myron’s life is an inspiration to many of us today who realize that history can, and does, repeat itself.