100 episodes
Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction Robert Weiss, PhD, MSW and Tami VerHelst
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- Health & Fitness
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4.6 • 33 Ratings
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The Overcoming Betrayal and Addiction podcast, featuring Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami VerHelst, presents a conversational Q&A style discussion drawn from listener questions about sex and porn addictions, infidelity, cheating, and hard work required to heal relationship betrayal. Dr. Rob and Tami are very good at engaging people struggling with painful life issues in a useful, respectful way. They also invite you to join them on their live weekly webinar (Mondays, 5 p.m. Pacific at https://bit.ly/DrRobandTami), where they answer questions live Dr. Rob is Chief Clinical Officer for Seeking integrity Treatment Centers. He is a 30-year licensed therapist, a PhD sexologist, and author Sex Addiction 101, Prodependence, and Out of the Doghouse, among other books. Tami is Chief Relationships Officer for Seeking Integrity LLC. Tami brings over 40 years of personal addiction knowledge, helping supply struggling individuals and couples with the resources and direction they need to heal.
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I Am Married to an Addict and I Don’t Want to Break Up My Family
Dr. Rob and Tami talk about a young mother of two who is struggling to deal with her acting out and abusive husband. She doesn’t want to break up the family and she’s scared for her future, but Dr. Rob and Tami offer a beacon of hope in what should be some of her next steps.
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:05] After a betrayal, when does it make sense to have sexual intimacy again?
[9:35] He’s blaming me for his addiction and he’s relapsed. I don’t want to break up the family, so what should I do?
[15:40] Remember, none of this is your fault!
[20:15] Dr. Rob hates that there’s abuse going on in the home.
[24:35] So many addicts don’t realize that they’ll never find what they’re looking for.
[25:15] He says he’s in recovery. I don’t think he is. I want to secure our financial future. What should I do?
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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He Betrayed Me And Yet Believes All The Flirting He Does Is Completely Innocent!
Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how an addict might be skirting the boundaries with his betrayed wife. Is flirtation seen as an active addiction, especially when the addict does it when his wife’s not around? The 1# thing addicts love is attention and/or admiration. So, they might be a little sneaky in how they get their fix.
TAKEAWAYS:
[:25] She says I ruined her life. Can I salvage this relationship?
[7:45] I don’t have a lot of money. Why is a CSAT necessary for my recovery?
[14:45] I’m acting out online with deep fetishes. Will it eventually escalate to in-person acting out?
[21:55] He says he just loves to flirt and that there’s nothing to worry about. If he’s handing out compliments to attractive women, is that considered “active” addiction?
[28:15] He keeps saying how he wants things to be back to normal. Is this some sort of sick joke?
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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He Feels So Uncomfortable In Recovery. Will It Get Better?
Dr. Rob and Tami talk about why someone might feel uncomfortable in recovery. A betrayed spouse was asked by her addict to join a couple’s support group, but after all the positive praise she was getting, he told to stop going. Dr. Rob and Tami break down how couple’s support groups can be a life-changing and positive experience for couples, but only if they embrace the not-so-comfortable parts of it.
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:15] My addict asked me to join a couple’s support group, but after he saw all the support I was getting, he told me to stop going. What’s going on here?
[9:00] My wife is having trouble believing I can change. How can I show her that I’m a different person?
[18:25] How can I tell family and friends that we are over?
[22:35] My husband went behind my back and thinks I’m overreacting. What should I do?
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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I Have a Restraining Order. Is There Any Hope He’ll Ever Stop Using?
Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed spouse in her 50s. She has been a stay-at-home mother for 23 years and is having a tough time reconciling the ending of the relationship with her violent addict. Is the relationship really over despite a temporary restraining order? Can this be salvaged? Dr. Rob and Tami weigh in their thoughts during this horrible time.
TAKEAWAYS:
[:25] How do I apologize to my children for being a bad parent?
[2:45] How do you define recovery?
[8:35] Does sex addiction affect your memory? I swear I can’t remember certain things.
[15:30] The label ‘addict’ was incredibly freeing for Tami because for the first time, it meant that there was hope.
[17:05] Should I completely give up hope on my addict? Is it time to separate?
[19:45] If you can’t do it for you, please leave your addict for the safety of your children.
[22:00] Please continue to Keep your home peaceful!
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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The Separate Journeys of Couples in Recovery
Dr. Rob and Tami answer listener questions about getting back together in sobriety, support for the betrayed wife, getting to know each other in recovery, taking your recovery seriously, and not asking forgiveness but making amends. Every lie resets the relationship to the beginning of betrayal. When is the right time for couples therapy?
TAKEAWAYS:
[:23] My SA husband’s one-year sobriety date is today. It’s also my one-year discovery date. He is in recovery. Where are couples at the one-year mark? Tami asks where the wife is as a betrayed partner.
[2:56] Discovery is trauma. What support have you had? Dr. Rob says about a year in is when you run into the relationship. Who are you without the issues of addiction?
[4:22] Married 36 years; in-house separated for two years. My husband is in recovery for six months. It’s hard to consider welcoming him back. Is it time? Dr. Rob says to date and get to know each other.
[6:56] Tami says to remember that you are different people than you were 36 years ago. Learning more about each other is going to be helpful.
[7:26] I bought porn video and left the ATM receipt on the shredder. My wife is upset and wants an explanation. Dr. Rob says when you lie, it takes your wife back to the beginning. Take your recovery seriously and leave your wife alone.
[11:36] Tami says at the ATM, ask your wife if it is OK to take money out for the slush fund. Don’t make excuses to yourself. Dr. Rob says it will never be muscle memory to do the right thing. Put a process between you and the ATM.
[15:58] My wife doesn’t know if she wants to try and rebuild. I joked with my sister in an email and my wife says I am not grieving enough because I’m able to joke. Tami recommends the Couples Healing from Betrayal workgroup on SeekingIntegrity.com.
[18:11] Dr. Rob points out that if you’re grieving anything, it’s being no longer able to get away with lies and acting out. Your spouse has been betrayed. She feels unsafe in the world and her home. Read Out of the Doghouse.
[21:32] Let your spouse her have her feelings and don’t question them. Tell her you understand her feelings because you caused them.
[21:45] My husband tells me not to call him a sex addict. He has only anger and resentment toward me. I mess up. Am I wasting time in couples therapy? Couples therapy will not help her. The wife is victimized. Read Prodependence for people living with sex addicts. Set boundaries and find safety.
[28:06] Dr. Rob adds to be honest with therapists. If they are not serving you, ask what they are doing. Tell them if it’s not the time for you. They will respect that.
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss -
Am I Just Having Fun, or Is This a Full-Blown Addiction?
Dr. Rob and Tami break down the gray area between just having fun, being “at-risk” for an addiction, and being a full-blown addict. It can be difficult to define the line fully when you’re in the middle of a “good time.” Dr. Rob offers various considerations for you to think about to determine whether you’re barely teetering the line or if you’re in a bad and unsustainable place.
TAKEAWAYS:
[:35] I believe my partner is a narcissist and a sex addict. He’s hurting me but I can’t seem to walk away. How can I just leave him?
[8:40] Have a three-circle plan! You need a healthy plan that will value you.
[10:50] Can you become addicted to friendships?
[15:50] My betrayed partner doesn’t believe me anymore, even when I’m telling her the truth. Do I just agree with her?
[22:30] Is there an in-between stage where someone can be between “at-risk” for an addiction vs. being a complete addict?
[26:55] Do I need to do yet another formal disclosure with my addict? We just don’t have the money for another therapist right now.
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
Customer Reviews
Informative & Straightforward
As a betrayed spouse, I have scoured for a podcast that I can relate to and that actually speaks to me. This is the first one. I LOVE how straightforward and no-nonsense Dr. Weiss is.
Good info
I enjoy listening to both of your podcast very much. I am a psychotherapist licensed in the state of Florida with many certifications in trauma, Anxiety etc. I also hold a Doctorate in Clinical Sexology. I took issue with the idea that only CSAT can help someone who has these sexual issues/betrayal trauma. I am an advanced clinician of many years. I want you to know it’s misinformation to tell someone only CSATS have access to tests. Also, it depends upon region as to who takes insurance. On the west side of Florida where I practice, people are less affluent than the East Coast of Florida andI am sure LA. I have a vast practice. My intention here is not to throw the baby out with the bathwater, but to avail you of the information you need to be more sensitive to those advanced clinicians in this field that are here to help. Thank you
Addict Here. Amazing bite size responses!
Dr Rob and Tami really do an amazing job of packing each episode with responses as possible. It’s actually VERY impressive and best of all FREE.
I’ve been listening for a couple years, 18 months recovery. In group, in counseling, do lots of journaling, reflecting, and leaning on others.
Lately I’ve been listening, then I’ll stop for a bit, then I’ll start again. And I’ve finally figured out why….and it’s the reason for 4 stars and on and off listening……
There’s is just a twinge of frustration that I hear from Rob and Tami torwards addicts from time to time.
Owning MY own “stuff” means that it’s very possible I’m hearing something that’s not there.
They obviously understand addicts inside and out. About 1/3 episodes I feel like they talk about addicts like they aren’t in the room.
I’m still going to listen , probably on and off a little. Addicts definitely are to be held accountable to there actions, but I’m not gunna lie when I feel that professionals above all else need to be the ones who should show the most compassion to addicts…..they understand why we do things more than anybody.
All that said. I give rob and tami all the respect they deserve. They cram a massive about of free resources in a little bit of time.
No hate, just honesty.
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