37 episodes

Exclusive audio rants and missives from Craig Burgess, usually on the topic of Wednesdays, but always posted on a Wednesday.

craigburgess.substack.com

The Wednesday Audio Craig Burgess

    • Comedy
    • 5.0 • 4 Ratings

Exclusive audio rants and missives from Craig Burgess, usually on the topic of Wednesdays, but always posted on a Wednesday.

craigburgess.substack.com

    What have I missed?

    What have I missed?

    What have I missed?

    Let me know.

    Email me.

    Tweet me.

    What have I missed?

    Subscribe at craigburgess.substack.com

    • 25 min
    "Habit Building"

    "Habit Building"

    It’s January. We’re all banging on about “building habits” like we’re building Lego. We’re all talking about becoming “better versions of ourselves” (whatever that means), learning “healthy habits” (whatever that means) and trying to stop making “bad habits” (whatever that means).

    Well.

    I’m not.

    I already failed my resolution. So let’s lean into my mistakes, shall we?

    Subscribe at craigburgess.substack.com

    • 25 min
    My 2022 resolution

    My 2022 resolution

    We’ve all got ‘em haven’t we?

    We’ve been thinking about ‘em for a few weeks. Dreaming about ‘em. Planning for ‘em. Imagining what it might feel like to achieve ‘em. How beautiful it’d be to finally climb that mountain. Finally feel accomplished.

    Finally achieve something.

    That’d be nice wouldn’t it?

    I suppose it would. I wouldn’t know. I just failed my 2022 resolution with this podcast.

    Enjoy.

    IN THIS WEEK’S AUDIO

    SHOW NEWS

    LISTENER MISSIVES

    BANNED WORDS BIN OR BAND WORDS BIN

    I WOULDN’T SAY

    NAVAL GAZING

    JEAR CLAIMS

    TOBY’S TITULAR TIPS

    THE ACTUAL CONTENT

    Subscribe at craigburgess.substack.com

    • 26 min
    Multiplication by Ten (After Christmas Day Special)

    Multiplication by Ten (After Christmas Day Special)

    Well that’s it. We killed 2021. It’s over.

    To celebrate its death I put together a super-duper-bumper-dumper episode this week. A real hum-dinger of a send-off for a year most of us will probably want to forget.

    I’ve even invented new features for you this week, because I’m a generous god.

    This week:

    SHOW NEWS

    LISTENER MISSIVES

    BANNED WORDS BIN OR BAND WORDS BIN

    “I WOULDN’T SAY”

    F IS FOR FAKE BILL BURR

    NAVAL GAZING

    JEAR CLAIMS

    TOBY’S TITULAR TIPS

    THE ACTUAL CONTENT

    Enjoy?

    Have a good New Year?

    Are the questions marks accidental or genuine?

    Who knows?

    They still make sense either way?

    Don’t they?

    Thank you?

    Good bye?

    Subscribe at craigburgess.substack.com

    • 28 min
    The 48 Laws of Christmas Power

    The 48 Laws of Christmas Power

    As a Christmas treat I’ve discovered a draft version of a book that Robert Greene never released: The 48 Laws of Christmas Power.

    Enjoy.

    But more importantly: don’t listen to this and go enjoy your Christmas.

    If you’re curious, the full draft laws are below. If you want to enjoy them in the epiosde, ignore them.

    SPOILER BELOW.

    SPOILER BELOW.

    SPOILER BELOW.

    Maybe you want to spoil it for yourself.

    Never outshine the Christmas master

    Never put too much trust in Christmas friends but learn how to use Christmas enemies

    Conceal your true Christmas intentions (by wrapping them up)

    Always say less than necessary (there isn’t much room on the card and it already says merry christmas)

    So much depends on your reputation, so give a good Christmas present

    Court attention at all costs with the biggest Christmas present

    Get others to wrap your presents for you, buy your presents for you and suggest present ideas for you, but then take all the credit

    Make other people come to you to pick up their Christmas presents

    Always win Christmas boardgames but never argue

    Avoid the unhappy people at Christmas and don’t ever try to cheer them up. They are a virus

    Learn to keep everyone dependant on your excellent Christmas gifts (DRUGS)

    Be selectively honest but always use your Christmas generosity to disarm them of this fact

    When asking for help at Christmas always appeal to somebody’s self interest

    Pose as a Christmas friend but work as a spy

    Crush your enemy’s Christmas presents totally

    Use absence of Christmas presents to increase strength and honour

    Keep others in suspended terror of your Christmas presents and cultivate an air of unpredictability

    Isolation is dangerous so never build a Christmas fortress

    Know who you’re dealing with so don’t offend the wrong person by telling them their Christmas present is s**t (but if they’re the right person, offend them and see Law 17)

    Do not commit to anyone and command respect of your Christmas presents

    Play a sucker and always seem dumber than your Christmas presents

    Transform weakness into power (I don’t f*****g know)

    Concentrate your forces (again, I don’t know)

    Play the perfect courtier and be good at Christmas charades (not too good though, see Law 21)

    Re-create yourself and master your own Christmas image

    Always wash your hands a lot at Christmas (keep your hands clean)

    Build a cult-like following in your Christmas presents

    Enter action with boldness at christmas and always use a thick pen - BOING

    Plan all the way to the end of Christmas Day, don’t get caught short

    Make your accomplishments seem easy by saying “It was easy” a lot and shrugging

    Control the options and get others to play the cards you deal them in all Christmas boardgames — “alter the playing field”

    Play to people’s fantasies, but be careful who you try that on and under which mistletoe

    Buy each man in the family a thumbscrew and make sure you discover it at some point during Christmas Day, as it is your job to discover each man’s thumbscrew

    Be royal in your own fashion. Wear some bling n s**t

    Master the art of timing — LONG BREAK

    Disdain everyone else’s presents you cannot have, call them s**t. Ignoring them is the best revenge

    Create compelling Christmas spectacles, especially big ones with glass in them that you can put on your face

    Think as you like but behave like everyone else

    Stir up waters to catch fish — NOT A CLUE

    DESPISE THE FREE LUNCH

    AVOID STEPPING INTO A GREAT MAN’S SHOES, ESPECIALLY IF HE HAD BIG FEET

    STRIKE THE SHEPHERD AND THE SHEEP WILL TRAMPLE YOU

    WORK ON THE HEARTS AND MINDS OF OTHERS BUT ONLY IF YOU’RE A HEART SURGEON OR A BRAIN SURGEON (UNLIKELY)

    DISARM AND INFURIATE WITH THE MIRROR EFFECT — EFFECT MIRROR THE WITH INFURIATE AND DISARM

    PREACH THE NEED TO CHANGE BUT NEVER REFORM TOO MUCH AT ONCE

    NEVER APPEAR TOO PREFECT

    DO NOT GO PAST THE MARK YOU AIMED FOR ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE THROWING A DART OR OTHER HEAVY

    • 23 min
    An episode with James Clear in the title

    An episode with James Clear in the title

    James, so Clear of his purpose, asked James to Clear something up for him.

    This was a second James who was Clear of the first James. Just to Clear that up.

    “James,” Clear said with James in mind but Clear intentions, “James, Clear something up for me.”

    James obviously wanted to Clear up the confusion. No James likes being less than Clear of a situation.

    “James, what is a habit? The idea is not Clear to me.”

    “Oh my dear James. You must Clear this up for yourself.”

    “James, what do you mean? Surely I can’t Clear up such an idea as large as habits all by myself.”

    “Yes James, you can. To Clear this up, you can make your habits smaller.”

    “I see. Almost like an Atomic thing?”

    “Indeed James. Exactly like a nice Clear and small habit.”

    James, now Clear of the situation, rode off into the sunset on his skateboard.

    Another life saved.

    Yeah there’s a podcast in here somewhere too. I hope you enjoy it. I can’t force you to, but it’d be pleasant for all parties involved if you did.

    Subscribe at craigburgess.substack.com

    • 20 min

Customer Reviews

5.0 out of 5
4 Ratings

4 Ratings

WenWenWensday ,

Putting Wednesdays on the map

Should you listen to this podcast? YES

djhamptons ,

The highlight of my week

Craig has made Wednesday better than Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday with his podcast. It’s almost as good as Friday, except that’s when the weekend starts.

I believe that everyone in the world should listen to this podcast at least once in their life.

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