00:00 Introductions 00:34 The Cleveland Browns 12:53 Bill Belichick & Jordon Hudson 18:55 Michael Scheuer 27:13 Amazon 29:58 Heterosexual Awareness 34:32 Rothko Painting Damaged 38:05 Harvard —Oh, the hilarity… The Cleveland Browns promised Myles Garrett they had their quarterback situation figured out. They promised him.Aaaaaand, now they have 5 quarterbacks on their roster. One they’re paying guaranteed money, even though there were multiple, Bill Cosby/Harvey Weinstein levels of accusations of misconduct against him, and he’s perpetually injured. (Deshaun Watson.) One the Super Bowl Champion Eagles didn’t want. (Kenny Pickett.) One who just dropped a hilariously awful TikTok that should get him released on principle alone… (Dillon Gabriel.) Journeyman Joe Flacco, who’s done right by the team in the past and should probably get the starting position, and then Shedeur Sanders, who now has everything to prove to the world. Will he rise to the occasion? Time will tell. Either way, the Browns have always been a laughing stock. Given their off-season moves, they deserve it. —Love… Exciting and new… It sounds like the start of a joke, “What do you get when you put an attractive 24-year-old woman with a fat, ugly, rich 73-year-old man?” Why do we care? Sure, she’s a gold-digger interested in his money. Yes, he’s a pervert interested in arm candy. Big whoop? It’s a transactional relationship, and they’re both getting whatever they want out of it. But is it love? Oh hell no. —A good prank gone bad… Michael Scheuer hacked into the menu at Disney, and did naughty things. This could have been hilarious! He could have dropped the insane prices to something reasonable. He could have put in funny pictures, and descriptions. What did he do? He removed allergy information, putting people at severe risk. What an idiot. What could have been a slap on the wrist got him 3 years in prison. Good job, dummy. All you had to do was keep things light and funny, but you had to endanger people. —Speaking of things that could have been amazing… Amazon had the opportunity to do right by America, by posting tariff costs to items, but the White House (who wrongly and lyingly says China pays the tariffs) got angry. If what Dear Orange Leader is doing is so good and right and helpful, then whey doesn’t he want the people to see how much he’s costing them? It’s almost like he’s worried that if his really stupid followers actually saw the results of his policies, they’d wise up. Well, I don’t think he has to worry, because these people are dumber than a box of rocks. That’s all there is to it. —Mark Fitzpatrick is an insecure man-baby, and he goes out of his way to prove it every year. Fitzpatrick sponsors “heterosexual awareness” during Pride Month, because… well, why do insecure man-babies do what they do? Low intelligence, too much religion, a general lack of understanding of science, nature, the human condition… There are so many reasons idiots justify their behavior, and none of them are any good. —Another reason the world of art is a scam was exposed this past week when a museum in the Netherlands said a child damaged a $56 million dollar painting. What great work of art was this? A Rembrant? Picasso? Nope. Just three rectangles of paint on canvas, pink, yellow, and orange. That’s it. Looks like a flag. The idea that piece of crap could be worth $56 million when anyone, literally anyone, could have painted it is absurd. Good on the kid for “damaging” it. —Donald “6 bankruptcies, 88 felony charges, 34 convictions, 2 impeachments” Trump is thinking of yanking Harvard’s tax exempt status. Which leads us to ask: why does Harvard have tax exempt status? Idiots on Parade: we mock the news, so you don’t have to. Tune in and get your giggle on. Find Jake at @jakevevera Find nathan at nathantimmel.com
