100 episodes

Writer, licensed clinical social worker, and theologian, Heidi Goehmann, produces resources that advocate for mental health and genuine relationships. She loves her family, post it notes, Jesus, adventure, Star Wars, Star Trek, and new ideas…not necessarily in that order.

Life in Relationship Heidi and David Goehmann

    • Society & Culture
    • 5.0 • 14 Ratings

Writer, licensed clinical social worker, and theologian, Heidi Goehmann, produces resources that advocate for mental health and genuine relationships. She loves her family, post it notes, Jesus, adventure, Star Wars, Star Trek, and new ideas…not necessarily in that order.

    Breaking Up & Moving On

    Breaking Up & Moving On

    Topic: Topic: How do you break up well?How do I know it’s healthy to start dating again after a divorce or breakup?  
    The weightiness of breakups Reminding us of our need as humans for intimacy There are ways to do break ups “better”, but no way to do it “easy”  
    Keep it classy, kind, and clear
    Break ups are in a moment, but the work of a break up is long term face to face universally preferred in the research What do you need and what needs healing? Find your support people Consider the impact on relationships beyond yourself  
    Allow for emotions
    Give opportunity to process for yourself and your break up partner let complex emotions be there, just listen and then move forward Own what needs to be owned, don’t own what isn’t yours Dave’s wisdom = “It’s not you, it’s us.” space before friendship Happier music video: https://youtu.be/m7Bc3pLyij0  
    Give yourself time and space for the grief
    Set needed boundaries Homeostasis, getting to normalcy and comfort Pay attention to your internal dialogue and engage in healthy and aware self-talk A good time to engage in your spiritual life for foundation safety/comfort Space in communication disenfranchised grief and awareness of the stages of grief markers for “moving on”  
    Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0338013/
    Necessary Endings: https://amzn.to/3PD8Q4Q
    Short answer: Keep it classy and give yourself time.
     
     

    • 37 min
    Taking Care of Your Partner with the Arrival of Baby

    Taking Care of Your Partner with the Arrival of Baby

    How do partners take care of each other when they have a baby?  
    1 – Learn together, about baby and each other
    What are your unique challenges?
     
    Gender role complications
    Awareness of shifts and changes with each baby
    Embrace flexible curiosity
    Make space and room for letting the baggage come out
     
     
    2 – hold the good and bad together for and with another
    Acknowledge the impossibility of the unpredictable nature of parenting
     
    Some common anxieties:
    Exhaustion Anxiety about infant or just life Changes in other relationships (boundaries with others) What support is available Physical touch and sensory overload Uncertainty of needs – other and within self Communicating about something so new Losing who I am outside of parenting  
     
    3 – Notice where your partner needs and respond to each other with grace
    Hormone changes and adjustment for both partners sleep deprivation messes with you validate and offer small touches to ground partner notice mess and mindfully notice joy Caring for each other outside of motherhood and fatherhood Caring for each other by splitting duties household chores episode – https://ilovemyshepherd.libsyn.com/household-chores
     
    4– help one another remember yourselves outside of parenting
    remember it’s a season go out and make nice moments happen when you stay in get to know baby and let baby get to know you - acclimate to baby, but also let baby acclimate to you  
     
    Resources:
    Gottman Bringing Up Baby course -  https://www.gottman.com/blog/bringing-baby-home-the-research/
    And Baby Makes Three - https://amzn.to/3B79iBj (affiliate link)
     
     
    Short answer: Plan for the unplannable and watch yourself grow.

    • 40 min
    Wrestling with Faith

    Wrestling with Faith

    Topic: Where do I turn if I’m wrestling with my faith?
     
    Intro: special guest Tanner Olson, Written to Speak, the poetry master
     
    Wrestling can be scary, but healthy Can feel like a journey, a battle, a dessert, normalcy, mediocrity Common Questions: Is God still who He says He is? Is God still close to me? Validating your questions and feelings goes a long way in making wrestling feel safer Keep talking to God – step toward relationship and revelation, getting to know God rather than always answering the whys  
     
    Wrestling can bring growth and depth of faith Find people you can talk to about the questions and wrestlings Making peace with wrestling as part of the faith process Research studies reveal wrestling as a widely experienced phenomenon:
    Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2839364/
    Barna - https://www.barna.com/research/two-thirds-christians-face-doubt/
    Study of Islam - https://yaqeeninstitute.org/read/paper/what-causes-muslims-to-doubt-islam-a-quantitative-analysis (Yaqeen Instititute for Islamic Research)
    Predominate themes in wrestling: moral and social concerns, philosophical and scientific concerns, personal trauma
    There is nothing wrong with you and sometimes it’s hard to see we are loved, forgiven, free, etc.  
    Everyone’s relationship with God looks different We can rest in what we do know – “I know how this story ends” Faith looks different in different seasons of life Value of silence and stillness (Walk a Little Slower: pg. 104) Wrestling in the daily walk (Walk a Little Slower: pg. 52) Sometimes we think, sometimes we are invited to just be, sometimes we wait What to look for in wrestling companions Tanner wisdom: “Let the cheesy things still be true.”  
     
     
    Resources: writtentospeak.com
    Tanner’s books -
    Walk a Little Slower - https://amzn.to/3IPETu7
    As You Go - https://amzn.to/3IMa49A
    I’m All Over the Place - https://amzn.to/3KYc0h1
    Short Answer: Let yourself be curious and let the cheesy things be true.

    • 35 min
    Talking to Someone about Their Mental Health

    Talking to Someone about Their Mental Health

    Topic: How do I talk to someone I love who is struggling with their mental health?
    Intro: Changing stigma towards mental health
    Step 1 - changing our beliefs
    Step 2 - changing our actions related to beliefs
    2019 APA survey:
    https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2019/05/mental-health-survey
     
    What is my relationship with this person? (4:30) Relationship = vulnerability + boundaries Where are they at? Consider the person’s willingness to have the conversation Can they see the concerns or are they mostly unaware? Use the phrase – “I’ve noticed” or “Have you noticed…” Start with culturally normative symptoms or what might be easiest from them to hear Shift our own understanding about mental health as part of everyone’s everyday life  
    Get some info for yourself Nami - https://nami.org/Support-Education and Mental Health First Aid and Fresh Hope groups recognize our own anxieties about mental health Mental Health First Aid: https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/take-a-course/find-a-course/ Determining a crisis v. non-crisis situation QPR training for suicide prevention:
    https://qprinstitute.com/individual-training
    Concerns about suicide: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/  
    Consider your language and your relationship with your own mental health (18:00) Do not make assumptions Ask lots of questions Use a tone of respect People are more responsive when we are willing to deal with our own stuff Be authentic in our own struggles The struggle isn’t usually the same intensity forever  
    Have some resources ready and check back in (23:30) Hotline resources - https://www.rainn.org/ https://www.crisistextline.org/text-us/
    https://www.thehotline.org/ for family and relationship violence
    211 – basic resources local to you
    look up some local therapists therapist search on Heidi’s website: https://heidigoehmann.com/connect
    Combat veteran resources and info around trauma Normalizing combat trauma - https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand/common/common_veterans.asp
    Find an EMDR therapist - https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
    Get your own therapy if they are resistant (or if they aren’t)
    books – Maybe You Should Talk to Someone - https://amzn.to/3EXYkhV
    Maybe You Should Talk to Someone Workbook - https://amzn.to/3HPMpEL
                Soul of Shame - https://amzn.to/3pViWTK
          Daring Greatly - https://amzn.to/3zwOpPw
    Fresh Hope Workbook - https://amzn.to/3faK0YV
    Fresh Hope website - https://freshhope.us/
    Loving Someone Series –
    PTSD - https://amzn.to/34oRh5s
    Bipolar - https://amzn.to/3zsYEnK
    ADHD - https://amzn.to/3mYkmuY
     
    Don’t forget boundaries for yourself with compassion  
    Mental health page at heidigoehmann.com - https://heidigoehmann.com/mental-health-1
    Relationship page at heidigoehmann.com - https://heidigoehmann.com/relationships
     
     
    Short Answer: There is no perfect way to have the conversation - start somewhere, with a resource and a single awkward conversation.
     
     

    • 40 min
    Young Adulting in a Family

    Young Adulting in a Family

    Topic: How does a family adjust to someone becoming an adult?
    Developmental realities, independence and angst
    The reality of Young Adulthood – How do I access independence?
    A Story: getting your first cold and/or changing your major in college
     
    Tip 1 – Celebrate small things of young adulthood
    baby steps reminds us we are capable telling each other you are capable = part of family life  
    Tip 2 – be mindful of the stages of parenting
    parenting changes over time and with developmental levels of kids  
    article from Berkley calls the last state a “guide” https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/three_ways_to_change_your_parenting_in_the_teenage_years making decisions for small children, to making decisions but offering choices, to making decisions with your child, supporting decisions alongside your child  
    Tip 3 – be interested in one another as people
    find some new rituals and traditions as well as new ways to connect spiritually 4 areas to grow as family members grow – emotions, routines, freedom, and conversations (licensed family therapist online) Article: https://imperfectfamilies.com/grow-up-with-your-kids/
    Gottman “Creating Shared Meaning” and “Rituals of Connection” https://www.gottman.com/blog/create-shared-meaning-rituals-for-the-family/
     
    Dave’s bonus tip for parents of YAs – “take opportunities to be chill”
    Heidi’s bonus tip – “believing in eternity means I don’t have to be worked up about this moment”
     
    Tip 4 –  transition takes effort and energy and is worth effort and energy
    relationship is made of vulnerability and boundaries Family members of YAs –
    consider what you want and what’s realistic
    respect their voice and freedom
    check ins with low expectations
    YAs seek help, communicate needs
    set boundaries, lead the way in defining your boundaries
    love your family as people not what they do for you
     
     
    Short answer: relationships need to transition as life transitions

    • 34 min
    Household Chores

    Household Chores

    Question: How do we split up “the chores” of a household?
    For marriage, roommates, families, etc. Dave & Heidi housekeeping love story
    Gottman research, wives find spouse doing housework erotic Link: https://www.gottman.com/blog/4-typical-solvable-problems-relationships/
     
    do what works, not what is expected Identifying expectations from other places – culture, family of origin, assumptions equality doesn’t mean 50/50, it’s seeing each other as equals there is no perfection in chore life: dailyness of life together in a household and the value of working on the daily things together even when they aren’t fun name your own expectations and desires: what needs to be done? How often? On certain days? etc. avoid extreme chore mentality consider the mental energy of appts and schedules and bills, etc, outdoor/indoor “I need you to participate more fully in (fill in the blank)” building your family culture: we all live here, we all have jobs to get the stuff of life done  
    talk about it, write it down, list it all out (15:00) TED method: https://ideas.ted.com/how-to-split-the-chores-with-your-partner-minus-the-drama-and-fighting/ note what builds resentment keep in mind, it’s not a competition Tiffany Dufu, Drop the Ball, “we tend to be blind to household jobs that we don’t do.” cutting what is unnecessary and outsourcing (payment for something is related to privilege but doesn’t necessarily need to be an area of shame) 2018 compilation of studies from Harvard Business School – higher satisfaction in outsourcing discussion: https://www.hbs.edu/ris/Publication%20Files/18-072_b1d8cdda-fbb1-46ae-afd7-6742d2195f25.pdf Asking questions: What can we stop doing?
    What do we each like doing?
                What do I never want to do?
                How can we split it up?
    think about it as a “communication playground”  
    ongoing, constant conversation (29:52) marriage contract joke make trades ask for help in both directions  
    Short answer: talk about it, talk about it more, write it down, be extremely practical in this area

    • 34 min

Customer Reviews

5.0 out of 5
14 Ratings

14 Ratings

vvanderhyde ,

So good!

Heidi is an amazingly gifted speaker (and writer - check out I Love My Shepherd on Amazon!). She digs deep going beyond the surface of any topic and always points you to Jesus. I'm so thankful to learn from her through her podcasts, blogs, and books.

jasonthedce ,

Spot on

Genuine, passionate, accurate bible teaching. No gimmicks, no fluff - just a chance to dive in deeply and drink up the goodness of God's word in our daily lives.

SEBmommy ,

Great Values

A look at the core values of I Love My Shepherd Ministries. This is a great organization with the driving motivator "stretching our hearts wide" for people in Christ, and this podcast is certainly on par with the excellent Bible studies and other resources we've come to expect from Heidi. Keep up the good work in the Word!

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