Life in Relationship Heidi and David Goehmann

Special guest Chris Kennedy, Pastor and Author
Chris’s book, Grace Under Pressure - https://amzn.to/3FBrdU2 (associate link)
 
Proactive v reactive approach
Proactive = investing in taking care of ourselves, our emotions, our whole selves to be able to live in the moment more authentically as ourselves and in what we value/believe
Reactive = awareness of emotion when it comes up
 
Tip 1 - Attend to and nurture
The environment
Relationships
Internal needs
Growth mindset – realist outlook + everything is redeemable
 
Tip 2 – Hold the tension of love with your frustration or anger
 
Tip 3 – Remember “more than they deserve”
Tip 4 – Non-judgment – grace and truth with the understanding that God is judge, not me
Tip 5 – Notice other people
Tip 6 – values and faith as driver, emotion as information to process
Shame
Tip 7 – careful of pouring yourself out to the last drop, we are human
 
The impact of shame and guilt on our internal processing of anger
“Holding It Lightly” from dialectical behavior therapy
The purpose of frustration and anger
 

How do I find more happiness?
Happiness is a momentary emotion, as all emotions are, time oriented, even as a mood
 
Tip 1 - Look for happy moments, not a vague ongoing experience
 
Defining – emotion related to joy, gladness, satisfaction, or wellbeing
Related to confidence or satisfaction with a moment, a person, a situation
 
Tip 2 – avoid all or nothing thinking
Allow and acknowledge several emotions in your system at one time
Value all the emotions
 
Tip 3 – We’re ok v. Yay!
Positive psych and researching the experience of happiness
Hedonia and eudaimonia – pleasure v meaning
Markers of happiness = relationships, purpose, meaning/gratitude/mindfulness, physical health
 
Tip 4 – Don’t force it
 
Tip 5 – Know your values to find your eudaimonia happiness
Purpose and pleasure, skill and fulfillment
DBT values word list available to subscribers at heidigoehmann.com in December
 
 
Research:
https://positivepsychology.com/predictors-of-happiness/
Waterman, A. S. (2013). Eudaimonia: Contrasting two conceptions of happiness: Hedonia and eudaimonia. In J. J. Froh & A. C. Parks (Eds.), Activities for teaching positive psychology: A guide for instructors (pp. 29–34). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/14042-005
Huta, V., Waterman, A.S. Eudaimonia and Its Distinction from Hedonia: Developing a Classification and Terminology for Understanding Conceptual and Operational Definitions. J Happiness Stud 15, 1425–1456 (2014). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-013-9485-0

How do I tell the difference between my anxiety and my child’s?
 
Attachment relationships are more connected for regulation
The value of presence
The detriment of sponging emotion
 
Tip #1 – adults can bring the emotions to consciousness for kids
Notice and name the emotion in the room
Also helps us differentiate between my emotion and someone else
 
Tip #2 – go out into nature/Creation to release some emotion
Link to forest therapy info: https://www.natureandforesttherapy.earth/
 
Tip #3 – know your own “stuff” (triggers, concerns, traumas)
 
Tip #4 – do not assume an emotion, ask about an emotion
 
Tip #5 – Be aware of triggers with no shame
Practice accountability with kindness
“I am uncomfortable. I want to hear what you have to say. I want to know what’s going on with you. The way it’s coming out is challenging for me.”
 
Tip #6 – hold the duality of parental responsibility with deep parental love and connection
Common questions: will they be ok? Will I mess them up? What am I missing?
Give yourself space to learn and grow
Try to help kids be unburdened by adult problems
 
Tip # 7 – Maintain your connection with God
Pouring out your emotions with God
Resting with God
Rhythms of prayer as emotionally regulating
Hear God speaking to your emotions as a Gospel-oriented, invitation-to-relationship God

How do I help my loved one when they are sad?
 
Differences in sadness and sorrow definition
relationship to distress and emotion regulation
 
Elevated, heavy feelings – sadness, guilt, remorse/regret, powerlessness
-       Time oriented, long suffering, pain taking time
-       Death, change, trauma, heartbreak, injustice, loss, disappointment, bad luck, trouble
 
Consider the moments when someone becomes aware of something challenging
No fixing
acknowledgement goes a long way
let these emotions be a process
let people’s emotions, including our own be complicated and layered
let it be seen by God with someone
invite that person into regular life things
  
2 Corinthians 1:3-4, God of all comforts, God of all, but especially of comfort
Psalm 18:6-8, God’s anger at what makes us sad or hurt
 
 
Resources:
https://heidigoehmann.com/articles/sorrow-an-acknowledgment
https://heidigoehmann.com/articles/honoring-our-sorrow-sadness-amp-tears-a-scripture-list-for-lent
https://www.kfuo.org/2020/01/20/coffee-hour-012020-no-shame-in-sadness/

Listener question: How do I have a conversation with someone I disagree with when I feel passionately about something?
 
Annoyed, accosted, attacked, or acknowledgment – honoring people’s passions while setting our own boundaries
 
Tip 1 – root around your belief systems and consider how it impacts people
 
Tip 2 – use words to state our emotions as well as our thoughts
 
Define Zeal
-       great energy or enthusiasm for a cause of goal (google)
-       eagerness and ardent interest in something (webster)
-       fervor, determination, combined with kindness equalling great devotion (urban dictionary)
-       related to passion that is hard to govern
 
Tip 3 - What is the love within this? What is the fear within this?
-       
Tip 4 – reserve zeal for injustice to give power to the marginalized
Tip 5 – hate doesn’t help
-       Ted Lasso – Be curious, not judgmental
 
 
Tip 6 – You can have boundaries
Opt out of conversations – place for avoidance and distraction, change of focus
Opt of relationships – what relationships in our life hold zeal in health and which are overwhelming
Boundaries with your own emotions
 
Resources:
Atlas of the Heart - https://amzn.to/46uBrRD
Subsribe to heidigoehmann.com for more.

Listener question: How do I have both empathy and boundaries?
Article on empathy and boundaries at heidigoehmann.com - https://heidigoehmann.com/articles/the-savior-complex-empathy-without-boundaries
 The difference between “hey, hold my emotions” and “withness”
Cognitive empathy:
Do they need us to see their perspective? Listen and ask questions about what they are thinking and how they see the world and their current experience. 
Emotional empathy:
Do they need us to see their feelings? Listen and ask questions that help them name their emotions and give a space to honor them without judgment. 
Boundary #1 – self-differentiation
Boundary #2 – no drama making, honor the degrees of separation
Boundary #3 - know your lens: perspective, bias, and assumptions
Boundary #4 – empathy doesn’t fix people
Boundary #5 – know your bandwidth 
Boundary #6 – be yourself in your kind and compassionate clothing
Boundary #7 – recognize all of our capacity for suffering
 
Mental Health Tool - Gut check practice
Series on empathy at heidigoehmann.com -
https://heidigoehmann.com/articles/igniting-empathy-inside-of-me
https://heidigoehmann.com/articles/how-do-we-talk-with-empathy
https://heidigoehmann.com/articles/bringing-empathy-to-social-media