Love Hope Adventure

Keelie & Austin Reason
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Marriage Advice For Christian Couples

  1. 08/05/2022

    Building Deep Intimacy in Marriage

    Building intimacy in marriage is about a lot more than just sex. In this episode of the Love Hope Adventure podcast, we’ll talk about creating an intimacy beyond physical. It will encompass emotional, spiritual, as well as a non-sexual physical relationship with your spouse. Transcription for this episode: Hi. Welcome to the love hope adventure podcast, where we talked about the marriage relationship, intimacy in marriage, and how you can go deeper with your spouse. Today, I want to talk about intimacy and marriage. And I’m not talking just specifically about sexual intimacy.  And one of the reasons I want to talk about this is that a lot of times, I have people write in, and they’re all asking very similar questions about how to get their spouse to be more engaged with sex. Be more adventurous, and try new things. Yeah, initiate what have you all, like, whatever the thing is, right? They just want more out of their sex life.  And then I always want to ask the question, well, what are you doing? That’s really intentional, and the rest of your life that’s intimate, and rebuilding that intimate connection with your spouse? Because I think sometimes, and this is often men writing in, I’m not saying women never write in; they just usually have different questions. But most often, it’s men. And the first thing that comes to their mind when they’re trying to build intimacy with their wife is it’s very sexual. Unfortunately, I think the word intimacy has come to mean sex exclusively.  Yeah. Which, which is unfortunate, is because it’s such a richer word than that. But I mean, we talked about, I mean, just listen to when we used the word intimate, right? You know, we’re talking about intimate apparel; what does that mean? Lingerie, you know, like, you know, all these, the word has been stripped so much of its meaning.  And really, it just, it just speaks to a closeness you can have, you can have an intimate relationship with a friend, right? Where it is a deeply meaningful relationship that’s very close, has a lot of tight bonds, and is completely a friendship and platonic, no physical, no sexual, any part of that, you know, even somebody you would never possibly be romantically interested in, you can have an intimate relationship with. And when we get rid of that idea, and we just couch intimacy means we’re having great, awesome sex. We’re missing so much more, of what marriage is and can be; I think that a couple of years back, I remember, we had a big, big focus on friendship and marriage.  We did our five foundations of intimacy, Marriage Course, which maybe is still on the website, I don’t even know. And one of the five foundations was friendship because, for you and I, that was a big part of it. And so when you boil it down to its, just sex, you’re missing out on so much richness that your marriage can have. So I think the focus is a lot of times, not always, right, because it’s like so much 100% on building more adventure in the bedroom, more or less boredom, more excitement. And so then I asked people, okay, so what are you doing when you’re not engaging in sexual intimacy, to build intimacy, because if you are only being intentional about sex, you are missing out on so much greater, deeper, richer intimacy with your spouse.  And I think that the closer your spouse feels to you, the more connected they feel to you, the better the sex life is going to be anyway, and the easier it’s going to be for your husband or wife to open up to you sexually in the bedroom if you have shared a lot with each other relationally. So I think there is a couple of different levels that you can look at here. And we just talked a little bit about the friendship part of marriage, and you’re like, you can be really, really intimate with a friend and not sexual at all.  So in that situation, I would say, think of your husband or wife as your closest friend. And then ask yourself, like, how close are you and what are you doing? If there was no sex, and you guys weren’t cohabitating or raising kids together or paying bills together, whatever. What would you be doing with them to build the relationship? Did you say if you weren’t cohabitating? Like, just kind of take all those things out of the picture for just a minute because you could say, well, we raise our kids together. No, that’s not really what we’re talking about here. We’re talking about deepening a relationship between white or white disagree because I wouldn’t include those things. Do you think raising the kids builds intimacy? I mean, it probably does. We are kind of, You know, waterline if you’re shoulder to shoulder, you know, on the same team as we always talk about Yeah, no, that’s the thing.  Okay, so our five foundations for intimacy from that course. Can we even remember their communication, friendship, romance, sex, and finances? We did a whole unit in a course called the five foundations for intimacy in marriage, like budgeting, like finances and what it wasn’t a budget and what we weren’t doing Dave Ramsey or anything. We weren’t not doing Dave Ramsey, but it’s, I think, all of those things. I think that’s part of the richness, kind of like being on the same page about it. Yeah, because there’s nobody else that I sit down with and talk about our budget with. There’s nobody else that I’m day to day slogging it out raising the kids. Like, I might ask a buddy of mine, like, hey, how do you handle this when your teenager does that, or whatever. But, you know, he’s not there. When we’re, when we’re doing it when we’re enacting, when we’re taking away the privileges, you know, when we’re grounding the kid or when we’re having the talks and figuring things out, it’s you that’s there.  It’s, I mean, this might sound silly, but like, we go to the grocery store, every now and then. And, you know, together, we used to do it as a whole family. And there, you know, different periods in our, in our marriage, we went together, we went as a family, there have been times where it just basically you were doing it on your own.  And we were here to help unload everything. But like when we go together, that’s a bonding experience. You and I, most nights of the week, for the last, I don’t know, six months or so, go out for a walk at night when this just awful Texas sun finally scorches, it’s way below the horizon, and we can go back out into the land of the living again, we go for that walk, and I look forward to that so much. It’s something as mundane as a walk.  I know we’re gonna have great conversation, we’re gonna have a great time catching up for the day, downloading with each other, and all those kinds of things. And I think, to me, it’s all of those things. It’s, it’s the going out on an on a date, and flirting with each other. It’s having sex; it’s laughing with each other. It’s watching a movie and enjoying it and talking about it later, it’s going over the budget and seeing Are we still on the same page and slogging that out every now and then it’s, you know, it’s buying a house, it’s, you know, taking the kid to get their license. It’s, it’s so many of those things. It’s all of those shared experiences that we have, to me, that define that’s what makes our relationship. So very, very different from every other relationship I have. Right? Yeah. And I think that when you’re coming in building intimacy in the relationship, sex is one single part, although I feel like it became become the biggest division point. Yeah. And I feel like sometimes there are couples who think if they can just get the sex figured out, the rest of it will follow suit. And so that, that’s what you started saying earlier was you said, Take Take sex out of the equation, right? And then you also took everything else out? And that’s where I disagree with you. I just boil it down to the relationship part.  Yeah, I know, I get what you’re saying. But I would say the same thing, except just stop at the sex part, pull the sex life out of the conversation in the equation for a second. And what are you doing to build intimacy? What are you doing with your finances? What are you doing raising your kids? What are you doing in the day-to-day, your career, you know, your spouse’s career, do the day-to-day chores and life and all these kinds of things? What are you doing in those areas to build intimacy? And then my question to a person who’s concerned about their spouse not really initiating or whatever in the way of sex life, my question is, are they doing other things throughout the day to build a connection with you? So I think it’s the Gottman Institute that talks about bidding. So bidding is when you know your spouse comes in, and they want your attention in some way or another.  And if you don’t give it to them, then that’s like a sign a couple won’t make it like they did this, however, long study. And I think that most of the time, your spouse may come in, and they’re bidding for your attention, and maybe you’re not giving it to them. So you’re like if you’re continually killing the intimacy throughout the day, and maybe they were trying, maybe they’ve been trying to build intimacy and other ways, and they’re getting shut down, then that’s gonna make the bidding for sex even more difficult, like, Well, you didn’t enter time for me earlier.  But you certainly got time for me. Okay, right. And then they don’t see it as a form of intimacy; they see it as a form of somebody wanting to have a need met. This is one of the things I’ve talked about with sexual need is that when you boil it down to something that’s just physical, it’s a release, it’s something that I have to have, or I need. It’s like, okay, well, I need to e

    25 min

  2. 07/24/2022

    Anonymous Questions – When She’s Not Interested in Sex

    In this episode we are going to answer two reader questions. Here are the questions we tackle in today’s show.  Anonymous Question My spouse doesn’t initiate sex, and isn’t interested in sex. The current excuse is because she says I am not emotionally present enough in the relationship and she doesn’t feel connected. When I try to ask what I need to do to be connected, I am told I should have never started a business that requires me to travel. She says that because I travel, (maybe 10 days per month average), she feels abandoned. She wants me to quit my company I started in favor of getting a job that lets me be home each night. Even when i am home, she isn’t interested in sex. She doesn’t let me see her naked (body image issues? Maybe?). And she gets mad when I try to initiate. Help!! My marriage is on the ropes and it totally sucks. We have 3 kids, btw. It makes sense why she’s upset when I travel ;) but the lack of sex is very unfortunate. My wife is an ultra hot babe. Should I act less interested? Anonymous Questions My wife and i have been married for over 10 years.  We have three kids and an amazing marriage.  My wife is an amazing mother and the best wife a guy could ask for.  On top of all that, she is smoking HOT!  We do, like all marriages, have some tension from time to time but nothing that a commited relationship cannot work through.  One of the areas that can often be a hot topic is around sex and specifically her pleasure.  She has never had an orgasm and that really bothers me (it does not seem to bother her though). I would love to be able to work through your recent post about womens orgasms with her but i dont think that would be accepted very well.  I think it would leave her feeling like she is not good enough, and that i am always trying to “fix” her.  We regularly have sex twice a week but it is scheduled and i feel like it is out of duty on her part.  Most often sex is based around my orgasm.  Once I am done, we can move on to other things.  She does not seem to mind that she is not experiencing pleasure from sex all the time, but it does bother me.  Should i just leave well enough alone, and continue on the way things are, or should i find some ways to encourage her to learn about her sexuality in a way that does not male her feel like she is a failure and that she is not good enough? Here is the link to the Orgasm Guide https://lovehopeadventure.com/womens-orgasm-guide/ the reader mentioned. The post Anonymous Questions – When She’s Not Interested in Sex appeared first on Love Hope Adventure.

    32 min

  3. 07/03/2022

    The Way You Show Up for Your Spouse with Ryan Cote

    Ryan Cote owner of the Morning Upgrade joins us to talk about how personal development can help you show up for your spouse the way you want to. Do you want to be a patient husband or wife? How about someone that listens and actively engages with your spouse? What are the virtues you want to embody? Now, ask yourself, “Am I showing up that way for my spouse?” In this episode, Ryan gives practical tips on how you can implement changes in your daily life that will help you become a better husband or wife and show up as the person you want to be. Instead of trying to change your spouse, you should focus on making changes in yourself. In addition to running the Morning Upgrade, Ryan is also a partner at Ballantine Digital Marketing Agency and Ballantine Home Improvement. As a busy entrepreneur, husband, and father of three girls, he’s committed to putting habits in place that will help him be the man he wants to be. Listen in to this episode to find out more about how personal development can help your marriage. Transcription: Hey, welcome to the love hope adventure podcast where we talked about the marriage relationship intimacy in marriage and how you can go deeper with your spouse. Oh my goodness, what a great start. So we’re really excited. We have Ryan cote on the podcast with us today. Ryan is the owner of the morning upgrade. He also has the morning a free podcast is a book card, Ryan, tell us a little bit about yourself and all the different things you have going on? Sure, I’ll start off on a personal note, married for 16 years to my wife, Jill 16, wonderful years. And three kids, three daughters, soon to be 12, soon to be 10. And then seven, all girls, and obviously keeps us busy. They’re involved in a tremendous amount of activities tremendous. There’s Yeah, between softball and soccer and dance and cheer and it goes on. But it makes things exciting. So on the business front, I run morning upgrade, it’s a podcast, book, a blog, my mission is to raise the awareness of personal development and morning routines. And I only talk I’ll be talking about entrepreneurship as well. I also have a marketing agency with my family. And we have a roofing company as well. That’s a recent addition. As we got licensed in February, I think it was. And now we’re actively doing roofing and siding and gutters and soon to be Windows. And so that’s a new little adventure for the Ballantine company, Valentine corporation. So that’s it. That’s me in 30 seconds. That’s it. There’s nothing else going on in your busy life. There’s more we can talk about but I think that sums it up. Well, that’s the highlight. That’s enough to overwhelm pretty much everyone listening to this podcast right now. That’s why I’m reading a book right now called Peace is every step is this a video this video be shown so your nieces every step book about mindfulness and just trying to enjoy the simple things in life. It’s actually a very, very good book, I’m surprisingly good. That’s awesome. We can link up to it in the show notes for anybody that is interested in that. So we wanted to bring you on and talk with you about, you know, personal development, how that plays a role in relationships, you know because I get a lot of questions that come in through the blog. And really the core question people are trying to get answered is how do I get my spouse to fill in the blank, whatever the blank is, I want them to do you know more things around the house, I want them to be more sexually engaged, I want them to lose weight, I don’t know. And it’s a lot. And I’m sure a lot of it comes from a good place of intentions like maybe they’re like genuinely concerned about their spouse with whatever is happening. Maybe they just want a better closer, deeper relationship. But they want me to tell them how they can go to their spouse and get this thing fixed. And the truth is, is that I don’t think that they can do anything to fix or change their spouse, I think you have to focus on yourself. And there’s been something I’ve read a lot, and it is really coming up. And a lot of the marriage blog circles I run in is this whole concept of the way you show up in your marriage and the way you, you know, show up for your spouse. And like, this is a concept I’ve actually had a little trouble with. But I think you could probably explain that and describe that to us, like what does it mean to show up a certain way or whatever? Yeah, well, I think you’re right about what you said that you can control your spouse because my wife is not into personal development at all. I mean, I guess into fitness, but she doesn’t read the books that I read definitely does not consume, the podcasts that I consume, don’t have a morning routine, all of that. And so, but that’s fine. I mean, I can’t control her. She has her life. She does how she wants, but I can control myself, and what I do, and how I show up to the marriage to my kids to my friends and all that no two things are ever perfect, but at least I’m making an effort to improve myself and show up the best I can. And it’s going to be a lifelong journey for sure. But that’s you know, that’s the whole purpose of morning upgrade for myself and for people that read and listen to the to the podcasts and read the blogs and read the book. So to me showing up, it’s just how you the energy you bring your Well, I think it’s the energy that you bring to situations it’s also your intentions, you know, so if I’m going to like for work for your team, like how you lead them, how you show up your energy, your mood. And so I think it’s just how you carry yourself and the energy and the intentions that you have. Is there anything that has to do with behavior With this, see, I am struggling with the definition of showing up. Because when I tell somebody I’m going to show up for them, I mean, I’m going to get on a plane and fly to their front door, like I’m going to show up. This is so different because I keep seeing a lot of people say, I want to do things so that I can show up in my marriage, the way I want to show be the best version, I think, is being the best version of yourself. So I think people, react to that they react to your energy, for example, like, if you smile at someone, you know, assuming it’s not like a creepy smile, they’re gonna smile back at you. If you’re angry at someone, they’re probably gonna be angry back at you. And so it’s sort of like this, people feed off the energy. And so when I think of showing up, I think, Alright, can I be the best version of myself right now? For the people that are around me? And, yeah, it sounds like it’s not easy, though. Sometimes you’re in a bad mood, and you have to go to a meeting or what have you. And, you know, it just, you know, you know, the term killer, like flip the switch, and then you have to flip the switch to become to forget about it, forget about all that and just be present at the moment and show up as the best version of yourself. So if we are going to do that, you know, figure out what is that best version of ourselves? I think this is actually very hard to do, by the way, because I’ve been trying to figure that out for myself, I have no idea. I’m still struggling like we’re multiple months into a personal development course. And I don’t exactly think I got this nailed down yet. But if I did, you know, have some indication, how does personal development help you commit to that and actually show up as that best person? Before I answer that, I want to ask Austin, if he believes that you have nailed it. Yet no showing what showing up best, the best version of herself from the course she’s taking in marriage, and like, what do we help me out here? What are we talking about? I haven’t been in the course. So I’m not sure what exactly we’re talking about. So because it’s a well, you did it? Congratulations. I would say that what I’ve noticed from the course is that Keelie is doing a lot more introspection and self-reflection, which is admittedly terrible at and doesn’t do terrible. And so we have had a lot of very interesting conversations as a couple lately, where she’s talking to me about the things that are being covered. And to me, I’m like, I think it’s hilarious that somebody had to tell her, go sit down and think about this aspect of yourself. Because I’m so I internalize things so much and overanalyze things so much that I’m constantly thinking about, how did I handle this situation? And how did I do with this? And do the kids? Oh, all the time. This way, and, you know, you know, well, it’s part of the whole, like, you not having a filter thing, you know, so, so I don’t know that the course has, I think Keelie has always been present in our, in our marriage and with our kids. So I don’t know that that has been a great improvement from the course. I think it’s been more you show up for yourself. And looking in seeing, you know, like figuring out who I am. Yeah, yeah, a little bit. Yeah. So it’s funny, I resonate with what you said about like, second-guessing what you say sometimes I have a situation recently, like yesterday, or two days ago, I was at my daughter’s softball game, not game practice. And there were a bunch of dads there. And I knew most of them. There was one day that I kind of knew, but not really knew who he was. And the practice was wrapping up. And we’re all saying goodbye. And I said to him, Dan, I’m Ryan, by the way. And they say, by the way, I’m Ryan or something like that. And then I was like, Why did they add-in by the way because it makes me sound like I’m saying, Hey, jerk, by the way, I’m Ryan, you know to sound like it he actually just said, so I feel like even though I’m on this journey, it’s never even thought that

    43 min

  4. 06/26/2022

    Preparing Your Marriage For Crisis

    Every marriage will face crisis at some point. Whether it’s a marriage crisis, or just a life crisis, you’ll need to be prepared to walk through it as a team. The post Preparing Your Marriage For Crisis appeared first on Love Hope Adventure.

    26 min

  5. 06/19/2022

    When She Doesn’t Want Sex – Interview with Belah Rose

    This week, we’re excited to be joined by Belah Rose of the Delight Your Marriage podcast! She brings years of experience to the show and we discuss how men can properly respond when their wife doesn’t want sex. She works one on one with men and women to coach them on their marriage. If you would like to know if she can help you in your situation, fill out her form here for a clarity call and let her know I sent you! Transcription Welcome to the love hove adventure podcast where we talk about the marriage relationship, intimacy and marriage, and how you can go deeper with your spouse. And today, we’re really fortunate that we have Bella rose on she is with the delight your marriage podcast. I’ve been on our show several times. And we’re just really excited to have her on the love of imager podcast. Welcome, Bella. Oh, thanks so much, Keelie and Austin, I am honored and excited. This is gonna be a fantastic conversation. I know. So tell us a little bit about your podcast, because it’s been around forever. I think in internet terms, it does feel like forever. Everywhere else. It’s like that. Classic on the internet. Yeah, in 2015 I wrote my book in 2014 to let your husband and then I started the podcast 2015 to let your marriage, and yes Keelie and I go way back and loved having her on. And yeah, so now delight in your marriage. I started coaching us shortly after I started the podcast around marriage and intimacy. And now we are actually running programs for husbands and programs for wives separately, to really train and teach husbands how to love their wife well, and the way that she receives love and teach wives how to love their husband well, and the way that he receives love and a heck of a lot of that is around intimacy. But a lot of that is also, especially for husbands is teaching them why is your wife not interested in sexual intimacy, what is blocking her? Because it’s hard to know, no one comes out of the womb understanding the other sex. And and especially if they didn’t have good role models, such as their parents, and obviously in the world. We don’t have great role models for that. So I’m thrilled. The podcast is so fun. We’re now in the top 1% Or I think point 5% most popular in the world. So it really doesn’t. It’s just Yeah, and we’ve got heard in 180 countries and yeah, it’s just amazing. So I am I am just I pinch myself every day. It’s just so fun. I know. And we’ve listened to your podcast for a long time. But I don’t even know how we initially connected but I do remember you brought me on to talk specifically about orgasms. And this podcast and post and stuff like I mean, it is what got me kind of like known in the sex world. Do you know like, Hey, she’s the one who talks about workouts? Who can say that their claim to fame? is amazing. Yes, definitely an episode to listen to. Was that? Was it a two-parter? Or was it I think it was like I had so much to say she’s like, alright, let’s make this. I think I remember there being part one, and part two. Yeah, it was pretty good. And we were living in North Carolina at the time. And we’ve probably lived in five different places since then. So we’ve recorded in a lot of closets. Yes. Oh, my goodness. So yeah, I love what you are doing with your programs. Now, I know that a lot of my audience really loves to go to your webinars, and they get a lot of value from that. So I’d really love to, you know, kind of like pick your brain about some of the things that would keep a wife from engaging with her husband sexually. Because one, obviously he doesn’t know. And honestly, I don’t know if you’ve experienced this yourself. But I think sometimes the wife doesn’t know either. Like she really doesn’t know like, why don’t I want to have sex with him? I don’t know. So give us some, you know, some things that you’re seeing and, and educating your people with? Yes, absolutely. I mean, first of all, if you’re listening to this, I just want to commend you. You’re so on the right track. There are so many men who don’t seek out answers. They don’t do this kind of work. They’re not like what can I do to change it? They just kind of point the finger and so for a husband to be here listening to this to seek How can I change? How can I invite this? How can I make this a space where she would want to make love because you don’t just want her to show up? You don’t just want the duty sex. You don’t just want her to feel compelled because you’ve had so many direct conversations that she feels like, you know, you’re gonna go cheat on her if not, you know, that’s not what you want. As a husband, you really want her to desire it, not only desire it with you but also desire with herself for herself, to engage and have sexual intimacy be something that’s on her mind and a joy for her and something she’s looking forward to. So, again, I just want to commend you, dear husband, you’re in the right spot. I’m just so thrilled that we get to spend some time with you here. So here’s let me just start out with a framework I always teach is what we call the intimacy framework. And it’s this idea of just trying to dumb it down super simple of what do women crave and desire to feel filled up in their marriage? And what do men desire to feel filled up in their marriage, and so 511 Five Love Languages are great, I think they’re important. But I would actually say that the intimacy framework goes beneath that because I think God designed men and women very differently to be complete complements of a whole, you know, I really love the original. I guess it’s Hebrew. Is it Adam and Eve, it’s the when it says, I’ll make you help meet the actual word is, as our Connect duo and the help pieces actually, God is. So helper in that phrase is actually in the Old Testament 16 times. And I think it’s three of them, describe women. And the rest of them are describing God’s coming as a savior for the people of Israel. Like we’re not talking about an assistant, the wife is the assistant to the husband, we’re talking about, she has a vital role in his life to be who God wants him to be. And connect dough is an absolute complement. That’s the point of it. It’s, it’s an equal part of a hole. And so the just the point of it is that husbands and wives are supposed to be and they were designed to be complementing each other and fully equal in that so equal, but unique. That is not what I meant to go into. But I did. There we are honest and good groundwork. Total tangent, but if your wife listening, and you’re like, I’m almost about to get checked out. I just want you to hear your wife, I’m on your side, too. You deserve to be treated well, right. Okay, here’s the intimacy framework, to feel filled up, a husband needs to feel respected, admired, and wholehearted in sexual intimacy in his marriage. We’ll talk just a bit about that in just a moment. But let me talk about what wives need, in terms of this intimacy framework to feel filled up, is to feel safe to feel known and wholeheartedly cherished. And so let me if I can, I’ll just go straight into kind of what that does that work with that, and that would be awesome. Okay, so for the husband’s respect, that’s, um, you know, when a husband and wife were dating, that was, she never told them what to do. She didn’t like, go clean your room, like go to the dishes, like, don’t do this, do that. I mean, she wouldn’t order him around or mother him or say, you know, eat, you’re not eating enough greens, like eat your greens. And yet, women, once they become wives, they’re like, oh, I’m responsible to make him do what I want him to do. And we don’t realize that’s complete disrespect, right. Because I have done that for a very long time. I was like, of course, I’m respecting him. Now go do this, what I want you to do. So that’s the respect. The admired piece is, is a different element, I would say is like, he also wants a cheerleader, he kind of wants to be that quarterback, and he wants you to be on the sidelines, like, yeah, you can do it you’re doing and like him that she sees his strengths that she sees how God has created him to be in the world and help him to see what even he doesn’t see in himself. And it’s so easy for us as wives to look at our husbands and be like, well, he needs to work on this, and this and this. And he has this failing and that and she’s critical and all these things. But that harms him in ways that she can’t tell. And so often husbands have this like steel, steel face, and they’re like, you know, she’s reaming him out. And he’s just like, complete nothing on his face. And she thinks he doesn’t hear her. So she continues and because I’ve been in that place, I understand that it really does hurt. And, you know, men in my programs, they talk to me through tears of how hurtful those sorts of things are. So then, the last thing that of course, we’re going to talk about is wholehearted sexual intimacy. So again, he doesn’t just want her to show up. He does want frequency, but he doesn’t want it half-hearted. He doesn’t want just her body that feels that’s not making love. That’s a compulsion. And so he wants her to be excited about it. He wants the variety. He wants the fierceness and so that’s the whole-hearted piece that I think a lot of people leave out of like, go have sex with your husband. It’s like no, like, be there because you want to be there and enjoy yourself and how I’d like, for me, if I wasn’t married, I wouldn’t have that strong of a desire. But because I chose to be married, my desire is higher because I choose it. Choose a lifestyle that makes me want to make love. And so yeah, that’s the husband part. Should I move to the wives part or? Okay, no, I mean, well,

    45 min

  6. 05/29/2022

    How to be Sexually Adventurous

    Do you or your partner want to be more sexually adventurous? This week we’re discussing ways of looking at being adventurous that you can implement in your marriage. Transcript: Hey, welcome to the love hope adventure podcast where we talk about the marriage relationship, intimacy in marriage and how you can go deeper with your spouse. And today we’re talking about building sexual adventure in your marriage. So I was actually asked about this recently, and I started talking about, you know, some things with the person who reached out to me because they were saying, oh, you know, things are very boring in our sex life right now. And it’s very routine. Yeah, I get this a lot, actually. And so I started really sort of like evaluating in my own life, have I ever really genuinely felt super bored in our sex life? I mean, yes, sometimes I think things can get routine. And so I started asking myself, okay, what are the ways that you build sexual adventure where you’re not feeling bored or tired. And then I started kind of thinking to myself that I don’t know that it’s really tied to the things you’re doing necessarily, from day to day with sex. But I feel like maybe it’s more along the lines of the lifestyle that you have with your spouse or the relationship and when others gonna be one of those difference of personality type setting. It could be this is why I want to talk to you about it, because you and I are probably going to come at this very differently. So I’m not saying that there’s never been times where I’ve thought this has been fairly routine or whatever. But I can tell you that those points, everything in life seemed fairly routine. So Well, I was gonna say, does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, I can, I can definitely see how, like getting into a rut in your whole life, could then impact your sex life? And now you’re in a rut in your sex life? Right? I can, I can see that. But I don’t think that that’s the only thing that can cause a rut or what I’m saying, I’m saying that, you know, how do you build sexual adventure, and I think that you and I probably come at this very differently. As far as building adventure and creating that environment, I think we probably do things differently. And so in this, you know, in this episode, we kind of want to just come at it from a few different perspectives. Because when you are with somebody who doesn’t seem super sexually adventurous, but you’re craving that, like, what are the things that you can start analyzing in your relationship, in your marriage, in your sex life, or whatever, to get them on board to do it? Okay. And I mean, honestly, a lot of times I have the person who has more arousal, they’re more likely the person that is craving sex, they’re craving, variety, and everything, because they just have a different type of sexual appetite than their spouse. And so it’s tough to crave variety, if you are the spouse that isn’t really like wanting sex as much. Does that make sense? Okay, so yeah, so what I think is that so I think we’ve talked about this several times, because I tend to be more along the lines of the sexual responder in our marriage. We’re like something sexual has to be going on something sensual has to be happening. And that thing, I never just have, like desire, I do. But I would say classify myself more as the responder, something sexual has to be happening. So if you were to come to me and be like, oh, I want to try something different and new and whatever. And I’m just like, I’m so tired, and I want to go to bed. You know, I think it’s similar to like, recipes and stuff. Like when I’m starving and hungry. Like this is when I make really amazing recipes. But when I’m not so hungry, and it’s kind of like, just have to cook something. So I just do what I know. And I think that is actually the difference here with sexual adventure, is that if you’re not, like, actively aroused, it’s harder to think about wasn’t just one day, being sexually adventurous is hard, harder than doing what you know, like you said, right. I wrote an article years ago on the on the blog, called the flavors of sex. Oh, yeah. I think I think actually, it was years ago on our other blog that has since gone away, and that post got over on love with potential. Yeah, we’ll have to link it up in the show notes. But the one of the things that I wrote about in there was vanilla. And like, there’s nothing wrong with the vanilla flavor guys, I know, is a flavor. It was a highly sought after flavor for centuries. Now. It’s like, what it doesn’t even have peanut butter in it or something. And that’s the thing like some people like me Like missionary position has become like, a cliche for awful sex life and, uh, like, find what’s wrong with that, you know, and that’s the thing is doing the thing, you know, right, doing vanilla is easy, and it’s comfortable and that kind of thing. And doing something different. I think one of the flavors I wrote about was like, rocky road, you know, like, doing something different and adventurous and challenging is that it is different and challenging. And so you have to, you have to do something, you can’t just fall into the comfortable pattern, right and have adventurous sex, like, that’s not what’s gonna happen. So so first of all, you have to be willing to put in some kind of an effort. And getting back to what you were talking about with sexual responders, versus what was the other side of that coin, oh, mania, spontaneous, desired spouses. If you’re the spontaneous desire to bounce, and you’re the one seeking the adventure, you’re going to have to do the work to help your spouse. Enjoy that and get on board with that, right, because we don’t want to do is be the adventurous one, dragging your spouse along on an adventure. You know, we were talking the other day about all these crazy, big trips that we go on. And we did a big giant trip last year. And unbeknownst to me, one of our kids was telling, you know, there was a variable, and I didn’t know any of that. And now I kind of feel bad about that. But if you’ve ever taken your kids, somewhere that you knew was gonna be a great memory for them, but they weren’t on board. It’s not great, right. And you don’t want to do that to your spouse, you don’t want to drag them along on adventure, you want them to join you on an adventure, you want them to want to go on the adventure with you. So you’ve got to put in some work to do that, and realize that, especially if it’s not, your idea is going to be that adds a whole other layer of challenge to it. Again, if you’re the adventurous one, looking to go charge out into the unknown, you already have challenges ahead of you, your spouse, who maybe is not thinking that maybe isn’t maybe not opposed, but just not thinking about an actively, they have all other layer of challenge to overcome. So like, get ready for that, be be mentally prepared for that. But then, you know, Step on out into it. So it’s tough. And I think that so I know, the way I come at sexual adventure is by just facilitating that, like just facilitating a life that leads to that. And some of that’s my mindset. And some of that is just the relationship that we’ve built. So I always grew up traveling adventure was definitely nothing new to me, I would say you weren’t really a person who was able to travel a whole lot. And so I’m sure that coming at all the trips that I was always planning and stuff, I’m sure there was probably like some part of you that was like, Oh, my gosh, you know, what are we getting into? And that’s kind of what’s happening if you have a person who, who has the frame of mind where they’re willing to be more adventurous and try new things, just in life in general. It makes it easier. And I think that my parents started like putting that in me when I was younger, I wouldn’t necessarily say I was I’m like, not sure how much of this is nature versus nurture. Yeah, like, but my parents worked very hard. Yeah, they instilled in us to face challenges, try new things, whatever, let’s go to new restaurants, let’s try new stuff, you know. So they were always kind of working to get me out of my comfort zone. So I have a fairly big comfort zone for that reason. So you pair that with my nature. And it’s just really big. And so I don’t necessarily think of these things as adventures. But then when it came to sexual things like in the sex adventures, what do I mean by that? And and it was scary, because I didn’t know what to expect or what the expectations are. And it’s just like, go into a new city for the first time you have no idea where you’re going, you don’t know what to expect. And what’s even more difficult is if you’re going to a city with a person who did a lot of research ahead of time and understands where you’re going and now they are basically just guiding you in that. And so I think that for me, I had to change my mindset that this is just another part of trying new things. You know what I mean? Like getting, like going on a trip. It’s the same thing as trying to thinking they’re in the bedroom. There’s going to be a fair amount of UNO’s. So I was gonna say one thing that we have to address also is What does adventurous mean? What is an adventure? Because you love her adventure, right? Some words that sounded good on some driftwood on our wall, Once Upon a Time turned into a brand. And but I remember sitting down one day and hammering out what does love hope adventure? Mean? Right? I think love was the foundation that we got our marriage on. Hope is that dogged determination, things are gonna get better. And adventure is that wild-eyed look into the unknown that says, what’s over there. And an adventure. Sometimes I think that we, we have expectations. And we think that

    30 min

  7. 05/16/2022

    What To Do When They Want Sex More with Daniel Purcell from Get Your Marriage On

    We had the privilege of interviewing Daniel Purcell from Get Your Marriage On. He is also the creator of the Intimately Us App and coaches men who are struggling with sex in their marriage. In this episode, he gives solid tips on how to help men and women who want sex more than their spouses. Transcription Welcome to the love of adventure podcast where we talk about the marriage relationship, intimacy and marriage, and how you can go deeper with your spouse. Today we have a great guest on with us. We have Dan from get your marriage on. Hi, Dan. Hello, how are you? I’m good, man. We’ve known each other for such a long time now, haven’t we? Yes, yes, we go way back. I feel like I have like moved three or four times. Probably moved three times since we lived in Dallas. Before that. So I know you forever. So tell us a little bit about get your marriage on because this is now an umbrella for all your other apps. And I feel like you got like a coaching course you just started and everything and I haven’t been able to keep up with everything. I just have fun. Yeah, if it sounds fun that we do it. So that’s kind of our motto. We are you about to do like another marriage retreat or something like that. I feel like I was yeah, we have one coming up in October. And we’re doing it up in the mountains. Each couple gets their own private cabin around the lake, like a picturesque super romantic. We’re having really good food brought in catering. And then it’s me and Amanda Lauder, who is a marriage, intimacy, sex coach, we’re both going to be teaching for three days and three nights. It’s gonna be a fantastic thing you love the in-person events, don’t you? This would be the fourth one that I’ve done. Yeah, that’s a habit. That’s, that’s good. Yeah, there’s, I think I like them. Because people come with with a certain expectation like, I hope my spouse hears the speaker, say, X, Y, or Z. But then they walk away going, Oh, my goodness, I didn’t realize I need to do X, Y or Z. I have got a role to play in this. And so they kind of walk away with a better picture of how their marriage is operating. And they’re walking away holding hands. And with a lot of hope and faith, like last time, there was a guy that called the week before the conference saying we got to cancel and my wife and I are probably getting a divorce. We don’t think we can even survive the drive down there. So can I get my money back, but it was past the time you get a refund. And you anyway, by some miracle, they survived the drive because they showed up. Anyway, a few days later, he emailed me and said this weekend was so transformative for us, we’re now at a better place we’ve been in three years. So like things that happen in retreats are great because you and your spouse are both like they’re you’re focused on the presentation. A lot of growth happens in spurts Right? Like Keeley will grow. And then Austin will grow and it’s kind of asynchronous. But when you’re at a retreat, you’re both, you know, put in the situation. You’re both growing together. And so it’s very healthy. Emily and I have done, you know, attended other marriage retreats before we find a lot of growth for that, too. Yeah, that’s awesome. So you got started as doing app development for sex games and things like that, which you know, which I think that’s where I got my big break with marriage blogging as people started finding my sexy Truth or Dare game. And from that, what I have found is that you have a lot of people who come to get bedroom games, and they’re trying to like put a bandaid on an issue in the marriage, which is they have a higher appetite for sex and intimacy and enthusiasm and all this stuff. So they come trying to look for tools to get their spouse engaged. And sometimes it like totally falls flat, they’ll download your app, they’ll get my game or whatever. And then they get on our list and they start emailing us and they’re going, Okay, well, this isn’t working. What do I do next? Because my spouse is not as engaged in sex. I tried to talk to them, but they won’t talk to me. It’s this huge blow-up. You know, what have you. So how’s your experience been with that with your readership? Oh, definitely. And it’s usually, you know, it can spark this question because they always say something like, how do I get my husband? Or how do I get my wife to be more sexual with me? Right? And they’re looking for a solution to like, what do I say? What’s the what do I buy? What can you know, to get them to all of a sudden become more interested in sex? Yeah, that’s, that’s usually how it goes. It’s what’s the magic formula, the silver bullet? I would probably be richer than Elon Musk. If we could just bottle it in a pill. So I could tell you what, what doesn’t work. Let’s start there. Start with what doesn’t work. So when you have children, so you probably see this dynamic in your kids too. It’s, I call them losing strategies, these are things you do to you get a short term win, but at the cost of the relationship long term. So one example is pouting. If you don’t get what you want you to pout, or right. And what you’re trying to do is guilt or shame the other person into giving in, right, and for what you want. That’s a very common losing strategy. And sometimes it works, right. Like, if your pet long enough, your spouse might finally give in and say, okay, here, we’ll have sex just to make you happy, right. But the quality of the sex is horrible. And it comes with a great cost. Sometimes it’s an invisible cost relationship. Another very effective strategy that people learned in their childhood is withdrawing. That’s when you like, you withdraw some warmth. In the relationship, you might not physically withdraw, but you definitely withdraw your heart. And it’s also visible, because people are really good at that, putting on a smiling face. Still going through the motions like kissing before you go that but you can tell our brains are really good at mapping other humans like, even though outward motions are the same. It’s lacking that soul, that spirit behind it, so withdrawing. And if I withdraw long enough, then my spouse will finally come around. Another losing strategy I see is fine, I’ll stop initiating. You do all the initiating instead. And that will really help. That will help because I no longer feel the burden of initiating. And it’s the devil’s pact. It’s not a great strategy, because there’s already pressure in the relationship for sex. And all you’re doing is shifting that burden that pressure from one person to the other. It’s not really going away. But short term, it feels great, because the lower desire spouse like thank God, I don’t have to Yeah, I don’t, I don’t have to. I don’t have to initiate, if I don’t want to this sounds great. Until you know, two or three days go by, and you realize or a month goes by, and you realize your spouse is expecting you to do all the initiating now. So all that burden is pressure on you. And guess what, that actually makes things worse, you don’t feel like initiating, you don’t feel like having sex, because there’s all this pressure now on top of what you were dealing with before. So all it did is it doesn’t solve anything, because it just shifts the burden. And the higher desire spouse is now upset about those things, too. So a lot of things we try to do are like control and manipulation tactics. And as adults, and I see this a lot in men, another strategy that’s losing is called Becoming a nice guy. And I put that in air quotes. Because nice guys really aren’t nice. But what I mean by a nice guy is, for instance, though, here on your blog, or on your podcast here about how women love, like, I use the word chore play as foreplay, like this great idea. If I do the dishes and draw a bath for my wife, or the kids their homework, she’ll be so turned on that she just can’t resist me, because you hear about wives complaining, hoping their husbands do more around the house. And they don’t. So they think I’m a great guy. I can be really nice. And I can do all these things. I actually never give that advice, by the way, because good. Because I think it’s it’s just coming from the wrong place. And your spouse knows that because I have heard women say my husband is only taking care of our kids right now because he wants sex later. And so it devalues his relationship with the children, his commitment to them and it makes it be more about he wants this thing and he’s trying to bargain with you and he doesn’t see taking care of his kids is his responsibility or whatever. Something you should be doing anyway. Yeah, I mean, like, there’s so much like, I’ve never even told men well, you should do more dishes to get sex. I think that’s incorrect. It’s kind of an I’ll frame it and another way to get people’s attention. But prostitution is when you try to buy sex, right? You’re turning you’re trying to do the same thing in your own marriage, you’re trying to buy some sort of sexual validation. Thinking of sex as a transaction. If I do X, Y, or Z like a vending machine, putting their head at Mount sounds what I want, then immediately I should get what I want. Yeah, the problem. Now, I just want to be really clear. There is nothing wrong with lovingly doing things for your spouse doing the dishes, like you should share the burden and the load and your family, right? Yeah, you’re, you’re a couple you’re working together as a team. The problem comes when a lot of this is done without telling your spouse while you’re doing it too like, so in your heart, you have this contract, that if I do X, Y, or Z, she gives me the result want, right? And I’m using stereotypes here, but it can go the oth

    44 min

  8. 05/09/2022

    Help for Couples in a Sexless Marriage

    Are you in a sexless marriage? In this episode, we talk about ways you can deal with this reality and how you can work towards increasing sex in your marriage. It’s not an easy situation to be in, but we want to give encouragement to those in this position. Here is the transcript from this episode: Unknown SpeakerHey Unknown Speakerwelcome to the love hoop adventure podcast where we talk about the marriage relationship intimacy in marriage and how you can go deeper with your spouse. And today, we’re talking about a fairly serious subject. I get comments and questions about this all the time for couples that are essentially in a sexless marriage. And I don’t remember the term for what’s defined as a sexless marriage maybe like sex no more than once or twice a month or something. I probably should have looked at it before I got here. Same, right? sexless marriages. It’s not like never having sex. Unknown SpeakerI thought it was like every six months or something. I mean, I don’t know why I think that Unknown SpeakerI don’t know. I think that either. I think that. Personally, I think a sexless marriage is one where the sex is so so so infrequent, that maybe one spouse is absolutely not doing well with it. What does it say? Well, me, are you googling it? Unknown SpeakerI am googling it. The top result from all in therapy. clinic.com says sexless marriage is one in which sex has not happened for one year or more? I Unknown Speakerthink everyone has a different idea behind it. Unknown SpeakerYeah, I mean, yeah, but I feel like once a month is not sexless. I mean, that’s a very, that’s a low frequency. But I mean, there might be some that are that’s that’s their normal level. And that’s fine. And, but But yeah, Unknown SpeakerI think typically what, you know, if you’re thinking about a sexless marriage, this is a situation where one spouse really wants sex, and the other one is being a gatekeeper. And this is causing the problem for them. And I’m not saying her, you know, the person who doesn’t want to have sex is just giving in. Unknown SpeakerSo beyond the definition, what’s the question that you said you get a lot about, so Unknown SpeakerI get a lot of questions from spouses that really want their husband or wife to be have sex with them. And the husband or wife doesn’t want to for whatever reason, right? Maybe they are having sex some maybe they’re barely having sex. But either way, though, the one spouse is saying no, a lot. Now, there’s a lot of reasons for this. Sometimes the spouse, maybe is a husband, and he’s dealing with Edie actually get this question pretty often erectile dysfunction, erectile dysfunction. So he struggles with, he struggles with that. And some, you know, some couples will tell me that they, maybe the husband’s been to the doctor, he’s still really struggling with it. So sex isn’t really happening. And that’s a tough one, you know, especially if he’s really unable to have sex. Sometimes people will write in and tell me that their spouse doesn’t want to have sex because they put on a lot of weight. And they don’t like the way their body looks. You know, that’s so tough. Unknown SpeakerSo they’re saying I’ve put on a lot of Wait. Wait, I thought you were saying like the other way around virtually? Unknown SpeakerWell, I mean, I think there are people who ran into me that say they’ve put in a lot of weight and their spouse doesn’t want to have sex with them. And then there are people who write in and say, my spouse put on a lot of weight, and they don’t want me to see them. Unknown SpeakerThank you. Yeah, it can go both ways. Yeah. Unknown SpeakerHonestly, there’s like every level of reason out there. I have some people who will say, my spouse would be fine if we never had sex again. Like, they say they can take it or leave it with sex. They don’t ever have the desire. Right. And, you know, I get asked this question. So so often, and it’s tough, because one every situation is completely different. Absolutely. I mean, nobody has the same exact situation or the same exact reason. But I think that, in general, the advice can, there is like some overarching advice that you can kind of give everybody. And the first thing that I want to say to the person who is feeling frustrated, their spouse won’t have sex with them. I’m sorry, but marriage is really hard, and you can’t force them. I think a lot of people want me to give him like that answer. You know, like if he’s Unknown Speakerthe silver bullet to say the thing. Yeah. Unknown SpeakerIf you’ll just do this. And we unfortunately, have kind of told, I don’t know, if women have ever been instructed anything but we tell men if they’ll just clean their houses up, their wives will jump them which is just not the case better every Not every Gumball there Unknown Speakermight be more to it than that. Yeah, there might be a little bit more to it than just do the dishes and vacuum. Unknown SpeakerYeah, I was talking with Bella rose. She is on the delight your marriage podcast. Yeah. So she has this program that she that men go through masculinity reclaimed, I think is what it’s called. And she and I are talking about this where, you know, these men come into the course. And they’re like, Well, I’m doing the dishes, and I’m helping out and I’m doing the thing, and they’re not giving me sex. And first of all, that’s all the wrong motivation for investing in your house. Alright, Unknown SpeakerI was gonna say you’re already, you’re coming at it from the wrong already come to the wrong Unknown Speakerplace? Well, I mean, I think that’s part of it, though. Yeah, if you are doing things around your house, or whatever that is, like, maybe it’s something else you think your spouse may want? In order to exchange for sex, you’re missing, like, you’re already like, suspect to your spouse, right? They’re not stupid. They’re gonna kind of see through, like, oh, they do the dishes for that? Unknown SpeakerYeah. If it’s, if it’s purely transactional, then, you know, everybody’s different. But for a lot of people, if it’s like, you know, why doesn’t ever do the dishes? Or why doesn’t she ever do this, or whatever part of it is wanting them to do it. Not in order to get something, but just to do it, and I use it, you kind of hit the nail on the head, when you were saying, building your home, you know, and that kind of thing. Like, you know, you and I have our things that we handle around the house. And if, if, if I’m doing those things to make you happy, or make you do some other thing, or for sex, or whatever, then I’m like, I’m, I’m doing it all for the wrong reasons, I should be investing in the house, like the physical structure, you know, because it’s, it’s where our family lives, and I want to care for everybody and do those kinds of things. But if it’s just transactional, if it’s just, I’ll go cut the grass, so that, you know, man, something might happen a little bit like No, no, that’s, that’s the wrong way to do it. Now. Sometimes, that happens, sometimes it’s you know, we do have the trope of like, you know, what was the thing out for a while. There’s like a sexy calendar, but it was for women. So instead of being like pinup models in bikinis, it was guys like doing the dishes, vacuuming and stuff like that, you know, so, you know, like, there’s some truth to that. But that shouldn’t be what the purely just Unknown Speakerthe biggest attraction to a woman is seeing a man take care of the home or whatever. It’s just that they have married a responsible human being. That’s a big part of it. Like, hey, he’s being responsible. And it’s very unattractive when he’s not being responsible. Maybe that not responsibility looks like something different. Everyone’s home, maybe your spouse is overspending. Right? Yeah. Either direction, while Okay, now she feels scared. So does she want to have sex with you, she’s definitely stressed, you know. But if it if it is a situation where you’re trying to do something, and push a button to make them have sex with you, you’re already lost your battle. It’s not Unknown Speakera not a vending machine, that shouldn’t be the way that you’re coming at it. Unknown SpeakerAnd I mean, a lot of people ask me, What can I do to get them to have sex or be more interested or whatever? And the truth is nothing. I mean, that you can encourage, and you can you discuss, and you can ask them, Is there anything that you’re doing? Unknown SpeakerRight? There’s it Yeah, in the end, we tell our kids this all the time. There’s nothing you can do to make someone do something. And if there is, it’s usually evil, it’s usually a bad thing. If you can do something to force someone to do a certain action, you should never be in that position. So not only is it not transactional, it shouldn’t be manipulative, either. You shouldn’t be, you know, how do I how do I make them do X, Y, and Z, you shouldn’t be trying to, Unknown Speakeryou can’t write, I had somebody write in and ask me, you know, their spouse has put on a lot of weight, and they have terrible self-esteem. And they’re like, I’m trying really hard to encourage my spouse about this situation. They’ve had a lot of medical issues. So they’ve put on weight and everything. So what do I do? How do I help them feel better about themselves or see themselves better? Or whatever? I mean, you can tell your spouse that you think they’re beautiful all day. And I think you should, you know, especially if that’s on your heart, and you really believe it, yeah. But at the end of the day, they have to make the decision for themselves. You can’t make somebody feel

    20 min
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About

Marriage Advice For Christian Couples

Information

  • Creator
    Keelie & Austin Reason
  • Years Active
    2021 - 2022
  • Episodes
    25
  • Rating
    Explicit
  • Show Website
    Love Hope Adventure