When you've been in a relationship with a disturbed manipulative person, regardless of where they are on the spectrum, you get into a real habit of looking outward far too much. All of your attention and energy is focused on what are they going to do next? How are they going to react if I say, or do this? You train yourself to look outside of yourself where you have no power or control. You have to learn how to build security within & invest in yourself instead.