Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: When Fear Hijacks Your Brain Playing With Marbles

In pop culture, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD — is portrayed as a bit of a joke — a personality quirk bestowed upon characters with descriptions like: "uptight, neat freak... Type-A, anal... organized, workaholic." But it's more than having a preference for clean cupboards or locked doors. A little more than 2% of the population will suffer from OCD in their lifetime. And one of the greatest tricks it plays is making you believe, deep down, that you're a dangerous monster. It whispers that unless you perform a specific set of behaviours in exactly the right way, your worst fears will come true. And if you tell a single person — a parent, a priest, a doctor, a partner, a friend — they'll lock you up and throw away the key.

Everyone has intrusive thoughts! They're absolutely normal, even the weird, cringey, and uncomfortable ones. Most folks can shake them off easily. But for those with OCD, intrusive thoughts are "sticky." Horrifying, terrifying thoughts of violence or sexual deviance like: "I want to kill everyone in my family," or "What if I stabbed this pen in my eye?" or "What if I'm attracted to my mom?" The graphic nature of these thoughts, and the inability to banish them, can conjure so much shame and confusion that many don't disclose their illness at all.

There’s no such thing as being “a little bit OCD.” We toss around jokes like, "...letting the intrusive thoughts win" to describe shopping splurges or getting bangs. On TikTok, influencers describe "lucky girl syndrome," and "using manifestation" to conjure thoughts into reality. But outside of science fiction and fantasy, humans can’t magically think things into existence. And believing you have that power is downright dangerous when your thoughts are terrifyingly graphic.

We're talking to Anne, who lives with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. She's going to tell us about her darkest days battling OCD, including the year she thought she was dead. She'll describe the complex, specific, and repetitive behaviours that her brain required her to perform to keep her safe, and to keep her from inadvertently hurting other people. We'll also talk to Dr. Jamie Feusner, senior scientist at CAMH, Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Toronto, and Chief Medical Officer of NOCD, to get the 101 on the strange neurological undercurrents of the OCD brain. He’ll also share some insight into a surprising potential treatment avenue he’s currently researching.

This story is personal. Our host Katie was diagnosed with OCD when she was 8 years old and is finally opening up about her experiences growing up with a serious mental illness.

So why does OCD exist? And can you ever get better? Tune in to find out.