ON BOYS Podcast Janet Allison, Jennifer LW Fink

How do you calm the chaos in your household?
Big emotions, power struggles, and challenging behaviors can create (& feed!) chaos, affecting the entire family. And it’s next to impossible for anyone to operate at their best in a constant state of chaos.
“I felt like an absolute failure for the first seven years” of parenting, says Dayna Abraham, author of Calm the Chaos: A Fail-Proof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids. “The calls from school were coming daily. My son was kicked out of school more days than he was in school.”
Roadmap to CalmThere are 5 steps (or stages) on the roadmap to calm, Dayna says:
Ride the storm. In this stage, you hunker down instead of trying to fix or solve. “Instead of ‘doing,’ you are literally just getting to safety.” she says. (Note: What is a Category 3 storm for you may be a Category 1 storm for someone else, and that’s okay. Ride out the storm!)Time & energy reserves. Most people want to skip this stage and move straight to problem-solving. But if you don’t refill your energy reserves, you will not have the energy or stamina required to move forward. This stage is about building small habits that boost your energy – & removing things that drain you.The moment. This is when you start thinking about how you’re going to respond when certain behaviors or situations arise. It’s when you figure out, “How do I show up that diffuses that situation faster and minimizes damage?” Dayna says. “How do I stay connected & curious in the moment?” Resist the urge to catastrophize.Stop storm chasing. Now, you can get ahead of the “chaos causer” — the topic or issue that’s triggering a lot of stress and chaos. Focus on ONE THING, and work collaboratively with your child to address it.Teamwork. Get the whole family together to create an “ecosystem” that supports calm. Discuss each of your unique needs and figure out how you can support one another. During this stage, kids learn how to pay attention to each other’s needs, struggles, likes, and dislikes. “When you can understand and predict each other’s ups and downs, things get a lot easier,” Dayna says.Unfortunately, “a lot of the advice out there starts at what I call Stage 4 or Stage 5,” Dayna says. What happens when you jump to problem-solving — & skip the first three stages — is that you and your kids aren’t ready for change & you all quickly become overwhelmed.
 

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dayna discuss:Unhelpful online parenting adviceParenting challenging boysHow catastrophizing affects our parentingManaging our body language and tone of voiceWhy you should greet your son like a puppyThe 1-1-1 strategy that can help you respond in the heat of the momentLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Calm the Chaos: A Fail-Proof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids, by Daya Abraham
calmthechaosbook.com — includes links to Dayna’s bonus material
lemonlimeadventures.com — Dayna’s website
Constant Chaos Parenting w ADHD — ON BOYS episode
How to Be an Unflustered Mom — ON BOYS episode
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Dr. Lisa Damour is our go-to expert regarding the emotional lives of teens. 
She is a psychologist & author of The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents, and although her previous two books were a deep dive into the world of girls, she gets boys. Consider this sentence:
If a boy “doesn’t feel that he has permission to let people know he’s hurting, it’s a good bet that he will discharge his unwanted emotions by acting out.”That one sentence – found on page 52 of the hardcover edition of her book – explains so much: Boys’ behavior at school. Door slamming, name calling and rule-breaking at home. Neighborhood fights that escalate into violence.
“Gender is such a huge force in how gender is expressed, and perhaps even in how emotion is experienced,” Lisa says. And when it comes to emotions, boys in our culture “are absolutely cornered and given so little room to work,” she says. Girls enjoy a “wide emotional highway,” with a lot of latitude to feel and express an array of emotions, while “boys are given a two-lane highway.”
Parents, teachers, and others who want to expand boys’ emotional expression, however, need to understand and respect the barriers boys face in their lives. Boys (still) pay a social price when they don’t adhere to the cultural script. Crying may be a natural, human emotion, but in most places, a 5th grade boy who cries at school will face uncomfortable social pressure and may be ridiculed. However, understanding the pressures boys face in society doesn’t mean we have to allow or tolerate rude, hateful, or unkind language or behavior. We can (and should) set expectations.
Making Space for Boys’ Emotional ExpressionOne thing Lisa realized, while writing her book, is how strongly our cultural seems to prefer verbal expressions of emotion over physical expression. Many boys & men (and some girls, women, and nonbinary folks) use physical activity to express and process their emotions Shooting basketball hoops, running laps, or banging on an old filing cabinet are perfectly acceptable ways to discharging and expressing emotion.
“If it brings relief and does no harm, it’s a good coping strategy,” Lisa says, noting that many boys also use music to express and regulate emotions.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Lisa discuss:Why we must consider gender when talking about & teaching emotional regulationThe role of men in helping boys express feelingsHow boys police each others’ emotional expressionEstablishing expectations and boundariesBullyingCodeswitchingWhy it “sucks to be a 6th grade boy”Supporting boys’ interestsConstructive conflictSetting the stage for successful conversations w boysExpanding boys’ emotional toolkitLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:drlisadamour.com – Lisa’s website
The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents — Lisa’s latest book (get the free parent discussion guide here)
Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting  – podcast hosted by Lisa Damour & Reena Ninan
Teen Boys’ Emotional Lives — ON BOYS episode
Managing Emotions — ON BOYS episode
Nonverbal Communication with Boys — ON BOYS episode
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Crisis and catastrophe no longer seem so rare.
There were 51 school shootings that resulted in injury or death in 2022. Wildfires are destroying communities and affecting air quality. Hurricanes, heat, infectious disease (malaria is back in the U.S & COVID-19 infections are rising), increasing rates of depression and suicide…it’s a lot. And that’s on top of the now-typical anxiety many parents and kids feel about school and sports performance.
“We, as parents and caregivers of kids, are constantly confronted by the low to loud crises and catastrophic conditions in our lives,” says Stephanie Malia Krauss, author of Whole Child, Whole life: 10 Ways to Help Kids Live, Learn, & Thrive. The question we’re faced with is, How do we support kids in challenging times? 
Whole Child, Whole Life Approach to ThrivingParents & educators can take comfort in the fact that there are core practices that support health, healing, learning, & development, all at the same time. Work on these 5 categories:
Safe & supported. Physical and emotional safety are essential to kids’ well-being. How can you help your child feel safe & supported? (The answer may be different for each child.)Rooted & connected. Do your children feel connected to and valued within a community? Do they feel settled?Healthy & healing. How is your child’s physical and emotional health? Is he getting the support he needs for his body & brain? Sleep? Exercise? Nutrition?Learning & growing. Novelty is actually a basic need for children, Stephanie says. Support & encourage kids’ curiosity, imagination, and learning.Living with joy & purpose. Does your child’s life include joy & purpose? How can you include more joy & purpose?“Those five conditions of thriving will protect and support a kid even in catastrophe or crisis,” Stephanie says. She reminds parents that “we have so much power to create conditions that will help our kids weather adversity.”
Taking time to meet your own needs is another way you can help your kids thrive. “Thriving begets thriving,” Stephanie says, “and it is even more contagious than anxiety.”

In this episode, Jen & Stephanie discuss:Navigating ever-changing, new challengesManaging our anxietyHyper- and hypo-alertness as response to stress“Customizing calm”Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:“Whole Child, Whole Life” w Stephanie Malia Krauss — ON BOYS episode
Whole Child, Whole Life: 10 Ways to Help Kids Live, Learn, & Thrive, by Stephanie Malia Krauss
stephaniemaliakrauss.com — Stephanie’s website
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What do college students think about masculinity? About fatherhood? About the trauma & violence faced by men in society?
Kevin Roy, a family science professor at the University of Maryland (& father of 3 sons), encourages his students to discuss these topics (& more) in his popular class, “Man Up.”
“Young women come in saying, ‘what is going on with guys?'” Kevin says. “The young men who take the course are really interested in exploring different ways of thinking about, ‘what is it to be guy?'”
Discussing “Toxic Masculinity”A lot of people enter the class with the impression that “masculinity is toxic. That men, by nature, do horrible things,” Kevin says, noting that many students (both male and female) have had negative experiences with men prior to his class.
He uses a public health lens to help students explore the idea that, “Men aren’t toxic by nature or nurture. What’s toxic is men’s choices and behaviors that are harmful.” He helps students explore and understand the threats men face to their masculinity, as well as the ways men may respond.
One thing many students don’t understand at the beginning of class is that “men never feel safe in their masculinity,” Kevin says. “They’re always challenged; you always have to earn it and you can always be called out.”
Helping Boys Consider FatherhoodModeling may be the best way to help boys understand the roles and responsibilities of fatherhood, Kevin says, noting that it’s most helpful if boys see fathers engaged in the gamut of parenting — feelings and all.
“If we want our boys to be that way, we have to be that way with them now,” he says. Exposure to men in caregiving roles outside of the house — teacher, childcare provider, nurse — are also helpful.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kevin discuss:Young people’s hunger to discuss masculinityThe diversity of the fatherhood experienceThreats to masculinityBody image pressureBoys’ friendshipsMaking space for dads to connectMarriage and fatherhoodLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:We Must Expand that Definition of Masculinity for White, Cisgender Men: ‘Ted Lasso’ Offers a Guide – Baltimore Sun op-ed by KevinNurturing Dads: Fatherhood Initiatives Beyond the Wallet, by by William Marsiglio & Kevin Roy Body Image, Eating Disorders, and Boys — ON BOYS episodeGender Equality, Boys, & Men — ON BOYS episode with Richard V. ReevesDads Matter (w Marion Hill) — ON BOYS episodeThe New Masculinity — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

 
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What do boys need to know about birth, babies, and breastfeeding? 
A lot more than we’re currently teaching them. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC), 83.2% infants born in 2019 (the last year for which data is available) started out receiving some breast milk, and 78.6% were receiving any breast milk at 1 month. At 6 months, 55.8% of infants received any breast milk and 24.9% received breast milk exclusively. Breastfeeding rates tend to decline over time due to systemc medical and cultural barriers, says Lo Nigrosh, a birth doula and a international board certified lactation consultant.
Think about it: Boys who don’t learn about birth, babies, or breastfeeding grow up into men who who don’t understand birth, babies, or breastfeeding. Some will become fathers who unwittingly undercut their partners’ confidence. Some will become employers and legislators who pass policies and laws that don’t consider the realities of birth and infant feeding.
“Unless we specifically teach boys about breastfeeding” and birth, then they aren’t going to know about it or be able to provide the physical, logistical, and emotional support their future spouses, partners, and friends may need, says Lo, who also hosts The Milk Making Minutes podcast. Guys “aren’t just going to magically understand milk supply once they become adults, if we don’t start this education early and don’t expose them to all types of baby feeding.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Lo discuss:Why boys need to know about birth, babies & breastfeedingHow to talk to & teach boys about breastfeeding and other infant feeding techniquesSupporting boys who play with dolls and mimic breastfeedingTeaching boys about menstruation & female reproductionWhy robotic babies may not be the best way to teach boys (or girls) about families & infant careLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:The Milk Making Minutes podcast — Lo’s podcast
www.quabbinbirthservices.com – Lo’s website
Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males — Jen’s book
Secrets of the Elephants — documentary series
Buffy & Big Bird breasfeeding clip

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You don’t want to raise an a*****e. 
None of us do!
Melinda Wenner Moyer, a science journalist, author, and mom of two, says that science can show us the way. In 2021, she published How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes: Science-Based Strategies for Better Parenting – from Tots to Teens.
Melinda is up front about the fact that raising a non-asshole is a long term project. Kids, she notes, are supposed to be assholes sometimes.
“We feel like — and I think that sometimes society tells us — that ‘good parenting’ is kids that are always obedient, never speak unless spoken to, and never break the rules,” she says. “And that is so not true.”
Kids’ brains are still developing, so it takes time for them to develop impulse control. Additionally, skills — including social and interpersonal skills — are learned over time.
Over-Reacting to Boys’ “Bad” Behavior Doesn’t HelpIn our quest to raise non-assholes, many of us are quick to react when young boys say or do something sexist or racist. And while it’s correct to call out the behavior, a harsh, punitive response is not necessarily the best choice.
“Ultimately, in these moments, what we want to be doing is teaching out kids. We want to use this as an opportunity for growth,” Melinda says. “And if we come down really hard — how dare you say that! — that angry sort of reaction can cause boys to shut down. They then go into defensive mode and/or shame; they feel shame for having said it. That makes is really hard for them to be able to engage in a conversation and really be able to learn.”
A better approach is to take a deep breath and then start with a question like, What do you mean by that? Then, dig a bit deeper: “I want to hear a little more about that.” Add historical and cultural context as needed, and help your son consider other perspectives.
The tendency to harshly punish boys’ mistakes is often counter-productive. Boys need consequences and compassion, not punishment and shame.
Supporting Boys’ FriendshipsHumans thrive when they’re part of caring communities. Friendships are an important part of that, but a lot of boys (and men) say they don’t have anyone they can confide in.
Boys, like girls, “crave connection,” and young boys typically form close, loving bonds with their friends. But over time, most boys’ friendships become more superficial, less intimate. “The irony,” Melinda says, “is that they’re pulling away from their friends to be accepted as a boy.”
It’s important to remember, though, that male friendships may look different than female friendships. Boys & men may express intimacy intimacy and connection differently than most girls and women – and that’s okay.
“We really have to trust our own instincts in parenting because we know more than we think we do,” Melinda says.

In this episode, Jen & Melinda discuss:The genesis of Melinda’s book, How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t AssholesWhy asshole-y behavior is perfectly normal (and developmentally appropriate) as kids growAllowing kids to see our imperfection & vulnerabilityResponding to offensive, sexist, racist, & misogynistic commentsWhy lying is an important developmental milestoneNatural & logical consequencesMale loneliness & friendshipUsing TV shows & pop culture to discuss values & behaviorLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes: Science-Based Strategies for Better Parenting – from Tots to Teens, by Melinda Wenner Moyer
Is My Kid the A*****e? – Melinda’s Substack newsletter
The Epidemic of Male Loneliness — one of Melinda’s Substack newsletter posts
Ending Sexual Violence by Raising Better Boys — Slate article by Melinda
Sexism Starts in Childhood — Slate article by Melinda
How to Raise a Decent Human Being — BuildingBoys post
The Truth About Raising Teen Boys — BuildingBoys post (first line: “Are all fourteen year old boys assholes?“)