51 episodes

These podcasts are a reflection of Ruth & David’s on-going conversations which are both intimate and professional and touch on complex topics like how systems fail victims and children, how victims experience those systems, and how children are impacted by those failures. Their discussions delve into how society views masculinity and violence, and how intersectionalities such as cultural beliefs, religious beliefs and unique vulnerabilities impact how we respond to abuse and violence. These far-ranging discussions offer an insider look into how we navigate the world as professionals, as parents and as partners. During these podcasts, David & Ruth challenge the notions which keep all us from moving forward collectively as systems, as cultures and as families into safety, nurturance and healing.Note: Some of the topics discussed in the episodes are deeply personal and sensitive, which may be difficult for some people. We occasionally use mature language. We often use gender pronouns like “he” when discussing perpetrators and “she” for victims. While both and men and women can be abusive and controlling, and domestic abuse happens in straight and same-sex relationships, the most common situation, when it comes to coercive control, is a male perpetrator and a female victim. Men's abuse toward women is more closely associated with physical injury, fear and control. Similarly, very different expectations of men and women as parents and the focus of Safe & Together on children in the context of domestic abuse makes it impossible to make generic references to gender when it comes to parenting. The Model, through its behavioral focus on patterns of behavior, is useful in identifying and responding to abuse in all situations including same-sex couples and women's use of violence. We think our listeners are sophisticated enough to understand these distinctions.

Partnered with a Survivor: David Mandel and Ruth Stearns Mandel Ruth Stearns Mandel & David Mandel

    • Society & Culture
    • 4.8 • 12 Ratings

These podcasts are a reflection of Ruth & David’s on-going conversations which are both intimate and professional and touch on complex topics like how systems fail victims and children, how victims experience those systems, and how children are impacted by those failures. Their discussions delve into how society views masculinity and violence, and how intersectionalities such as cultural beliefs, religious beliefs and unique vulnerabilities impact how we respond to abuse and violence. These far-ranging discussions offer an insider look into how we navigate the world as professionals, as parents and as partners. During these podcasts, David & Ruth challenge the notions which keep all us from moving forward collectively as systems, as cultures and as families into safety, nurturance and healing.Note: Some of the topics discussed in the episodes are deeply personal and sensitive, which may be difficult for some people. We occasionally use mature language. We often use gender pronouns like “he” when discussing perpetrators and “she” for victims. While both and men and women can be abusive and controlling, and domestic abuse happens in straight and same-sex relationships, the most common situation, when it comes to coercive control, is a male perpetrator and a female victim. Men's abuse toward women is more closely associated with physical injury, fear and control. Similarly, very different expectations of men and women as parents and the focus of Safe & Together on children in the context of domestic abuse makes it impossible to make generic references to gender when it comes to parenting. The Model, through its behavioral focus on patterns of behavior, is useful in identifying and responding to abuse in all situations including same-sex couples and women's use of violence. We think our listeners are sophisticated enough to understand these distinctions.

    Season 2 Episode 17: Intervening with Domestic Violence Perpetrators: "We can't leave anything on the table"

    Season 2 Episode 17: Intervening with Domestic Violence Perpetrators: "We can't leave anything on the table"

    Intervening with perpetrators, who are the source of the harm to child, partner and family functioning, is essential for domestic violence-informed systems. In this episode, David & Ruth talk about the third principle of the Safe & Together Model which focuses on intervening with the perpetrator to reduce risk and harm to children.  The conversation covers:
    the importance of a broad defintion of "accountability" how micro -practices around language and documentation are the foundation of accountability in a  domestic violence-informed  system how tradition definitions of perpetrator accountability can contribute to racial inequity in the response of systems how practitioners can increase their capacity to keep the focus on the perpetrator and change (and away from a "failure-to-protect" approach) Read our white paper on perpetrators, change and accountability
     
    Listen to these related episodes
    Season 2 Episode 15: She is Not Your Rehab: A global invitation to men to end abuse of women & children through radical self-responsibility & healing

    Season 2 Episode 11: “We need a revolution:” Integration of trauma healing and behavior change for people who choose violence

    Season 2, Episode 5: How professionals can avoid being manipulated by perpetrators

    Episode 21: Listening to the Voices of Children and Young People Harmed by Fathers Who Choose Violence

    Episode 19: Nine Ways to Collude with a Person Who Chooses Violence


    Join us on January 13-14 2022 for our fully virtual Europe/North America Safe & Together Model Conference .  Go to our website and check out our events page to learn more and to register. 

    • 1 hr 10 min
    Season 2 Episode 16: "We have to remember who we are advocating for": An interview with Aboriginal domestic violence leader Ashlee Donohue

    Season 2 Episode 16: "We have to remember who we are advocating for": An interview with Aboriginal domestic violence leader Ashlee Donohue

     In this episode, Ruth and David yarn with Ashlee Donohue – a proud Dunghutti woman born and raised in Kempsey, NSW. Ashlee is an Author, Educator, Advocate and speaker around the anti-violence message. Ashlee is currently the CEO of Mudgin-Gal Aboriginal Corporation – Women’s Centre,  which is for Aboriginal women run by Aboriginal women.  Ashlee was a keynote speaker  at  the 2021 Safe & Together Institute Asia Pacific Conference  on the burning question of coercive control criminalisation. 
    During the interview Ruth  and David talk with Ashlee about: 
    Her thoughts on  the criminalisation of coercive control in Australia, and the  the pros and cons of this for Aboriginal communitiesThe need for one single defintion of domestic violence The decision making process for Aboriginal domestic violence survivors accessing services like calling the police can be very different than white or CALD survivors. The importance of listening to the stories of Aboriginal survivors The need for cultural safety  in the responses to domestic violence in the Aboriginal community  Read  Ashlee's memoir:  ‘Because I love him’ a personal account of love, motherhood, domestic violence and survival.

    Watch the video "Change Your Ways" : Australian Men Speak about Domestic Violence

    Other related episodes you may be interested in:
    Season 2 Episode 15: She is Not Your Rehab: A global invitation to men to end abuse of women & children through radical self-responsibility & healing

    Season 2 Episode 13: An Interview with Courageous Fire: Reparations & the Unique Experience of Black Domestic Violence Survivors

    Season 2 Episode 7: ‘Radical Resistance to the Status Quo’: A Look Behind the Scottish Coercive Control Law with Dr. Marsha Scott

    Season 2, Episode 2: Coercive Control Laws: A discussion with investigative reporter and author Jess Hill

    3KND Interview: A global movement going forward to protect children from family violence

    3KND Interview: The impacts of controlling behaviour, the hidden violence in relationships

    3KND Interview: How Ruth Mandel’s podcast ‘Partnered With a Sur
    Join us on January 13-14 2022 for our fully virtual Europe/North America Safe & Together Model Conference .  Go to our website and check out our events page to learn more and to register. 

    • 1 hr 16 min
    Season 2 Episode 15: She is Not Your Rehab: A global invitation to men to end abuse of women & children through radical self responsibility & healing

    Season 2 Episode 15: She is Not Your Rehab: A global invitation to men to end abuse of women & children through radical self responsibility & healing

    For men's violence against women to end,  men need to  talk to other men about change and responsibility. At the same time, many men who are abusive, have often experienced their own traumas at the hands of their parents or society at large.  An emerging voice in the effort to invite men to healing  is Matt Brown,  co-creator with his wife, Sarah Brown  of the "She is  Not Your Rehab" global movement. 

    Matt believes that because so many boys & men are traumatized & wounded in relationship with parents/caretakers, taking radical self ownership of their own healing journey, their own behaviors is the best way to heal that trauma. This  self ownership never excuses abuse even when it recognizes the trauma & learned behaviors of abuse which can be an attempt to protect from pain & fear by inflicting pain & trying to control others.

    In this conversation with Ruth  and David, Matt a barber, speaker and author of the best-selling book "She is Not Your Rehab," talks about how he translated his own healing journey into a message of  personal responsibility, behaviour change and healing for men so they may step more deeply into connected, healthy, nourishing relationships which do not continue the cycle of violence.

    Read the 7 Principles of the "She is Not Your Rehab" global movement
     1. She is not responsible for your emotional rehabilitation.
    2. Your healing is your responsibility and yours to take initiative for and manage. 
    3. Any healing needed for you, cannot come at the expense of her healing, health and wellbeing. (David & Ruth's personal favorite!) 
    4. She can support you but she can never do more for you than you are prepared to do for yourself. 
    5. Regardless of what anyone has done TO YOU, it is now time FOR YOU to take ownership of your own life and be committed to living it wholeheartedly enough to do any work needed. Your childhood trauma wasn’t your fault but your healing IS now your responsibility. 
    6. True change comes from genuine growth. Growth happens once we heal. Healing starts when we begin to FEEL our pain. 
    7. Hurt people inevitably hurt people because what we will not transform, we transmit on those around us and healed people do indeed heal people. The question is WILL YOU have the courage to heal?

    Order the book "She is Not Your Rehab"

    The barbershop where men go to heal | Matt Brown | TEDxChristchurch

    Other related podcasts
    Season 2 Episode 11: “We need a revolution:” Integration of trauma healing and behavior change for people who choose violence

    Season 2 Episode 6: The Male Victim

    Season 2, Episode 1: 6 Steps to Partnering with Survivors

    Episode 21: Listening to the Voices of Children and Young People Harmed by Fathers Who Choose Violence



    Join us on January 13-14 2022 for our next major virtual event.  Go to our website and check out our events page. 

    • 1 hr 13 min
    Season 2 Episode 14: How to perpetrator proof custody & access processes

    Season 2 Episode 14: How to perpetrator proof custody & access processes

    Building on the Safe & Together Institute's white paper on perpetrators' manipulate of systems (and the related podcast) and work with the national Family Court of Australia, David & Ruth take a closer look at how domestic violence perpetrators can continue to undermine child safety and well-being post-separation, manipulate systems regarding custody and access issues, and how they target professionals in order to extend their coercive control after a relationship has ended. 

    In this episode, Ruth & David  talk about: 


     How professionals can properly identify and assess coercive control in the context of custody and access matters How professionals can use a behavioral lens to identify how systems and professionals are targeted, post separation,  by parents who choose coercive control   How to inoculate yourself, as practitioner, against these behaviorsHow, by using a collaborative parenting standard as a lens for identifying the risks and harms created by domestic violence perpetrators, systems can  increase accountability in custody and access situationsHow understanding patterns of pre- and post separation coercive control and actions taken to harm the children is essential for understanding,  contextualizing, and validating the protective parents' behaviors How acknowledging differing cultural expectations of men and women as parents is essential to  assessing child safety and well-being in the context of post separation coercive controlEssential listening for anyone who is interested in child safety and well-being in the context of post separation coercive control, their discussion includes practical steps and has implications for women sector workers and advocates, legal practitioners, child protection, family court, children's advocates, mental health practitioners and others. David & Ruth also hope that survivors can use this information to educate professionals who work with them.

    Related podcasts
    Season 2 Episode 12: How coercive control harms child safety & wellbeing: An interview with researcher Dr. Emma Katz

    Season 2, Episode 5: How professionals can avoid being manipulated by perpetrators

    Season 2, Episode 1: 6 Steps to Partnering with Survivors

    Episode 29: Family courts are failing the “best interests” of adult and child abuse survivors: An interview with Joan Meier


    Join us on January 13-14 2022 for our next major virtual event.  Go to our website and check out our events page. 

    • 1 hr 5 min
    Season 2 Episode 13: An Interview with Courageous Fire: Reparations & the Unique Experience of Black Domestic Violence Survivors

    Season 2 Episode 13: An Interview with Courageous Fire: Reparations & the Unique Experience of Black Domestic Violence Survivors

    Crafting a domestic violence-informed response to the unique experience of Black domestic violence survivors in the United States  requires  listening to the voices and lived experience of those survivors.  Like other marginalized survivors in systems impacted by racism and colonization across the globe,  Black women have to navigate systems that often have penalized and punished them instead of being a support.  For example, due to systemic racism and stereotyping, Black survivors are more quickly labeled as 'difficult' victims.  Distrust of formal systems, based on historic racism, can make it harder for Black survivors to reach out for the help they need.  When survivors do not feel like their experience will be seen and understood,  they will not avail themselves of those interventions.  Harms  become compounded, including the unnecessary removal of children by children protection,  when Black survivors are penalized for not using those formal systems.

    In this episode of Partnered with a Survivor, Ruth & David interview Courageous Fire, the Executive Director of Courageous Fire LLC , who is a domestic violence survivor and a leader in the movement to create culturally-specific  responses to domestic violence in the Black community.  Courageous Fire which works exclusively with Black victims & survivors of domestic violence in Iowa. Her model of community assistance is self sustaining,  and community driven. She takes cues from the grass roots experiences  of Black survivors  within her community to bring holistic assistance which isn't 'cookie cutter' but that deeply meets those survivors on multiple levels.  In an innovative adaptation of the concept of reparations, Courageous Fire believes that domestic violence survivors deserve to  be compensated for their pain and suffering.  She wants the abuse (not just the abusers) to "pay survivors back" in practical and financial terms. 

    Additional themes in this episode include: 
    Why the Black community has typically resisted contact & reliance on formal services as a way to protect themselves & children Why calling the police is not safe for Black women How systems, which are supposed to keep us safe,  have harmed Black women with impunity because of their bias,  judgements,  assumptions about victim behaviors through a culturally ignorant/arrogant lensHow Courageous Fire LLC helps to bring bring holistic healing & a pathway to financial independence  for Black survivors of domestic abuseHow to recognize & see the dynamic resistance of Black survivors as a strength not a deficit. If you want to know more about Courageous Fire & the work please go to:  https://www.cfirellc.com/  and  https://www.cfirellc.com/specialty

    https://www.amazon.com/Empowerment-through-Arts-Ignite-Power/dp/B08JF2DDJG/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=Empowerment+through+the+Arts%3A+Ignite+Your+Power&qid=1625084046&s=books&sr=1-3

    For related episodes:
    Season 2 Episode 9: Finally! A realistic feature film about coercive control: An interview with Chyna Robinson and Tracy Rector

    Episode 22: When Culture, Religion & Domestic Violence Meet


    Join us on January 13-14 2022 for our next major virtual event.  Go to our website and check out our events page. 

    • 1 hr 4 min
    Season 2 Episode 12: How coercive control harms child safety & wellbeing: An interview with researcher Dr. Emma Katz

    Season 2 Episode 12: How coercive control harms child safety & wellbeing: An interview with researcher Dr. Emma Katz

    For 15 years, the Safe & Together Model has trained professionals in the importance of centering coercive controlling patterns of behaviors if you want to understand the harm domestic abuse perpetrators create for their children & how that is parenting choice.  Failures to link coercive control to child abuse & neglect make it easier to blame adult survivors, who are being protective, with failure-to-protect & parental alienation. 

    The Safe & Together Model's perpetrator pattern-based approach links coercive control in a number of different ways, creating a foundation for a domestic violence-informed practice that helps professionals to partner with survivors and intervene with perpetrators as parents while also mapping the adult survivors attempts to protect children which may not have access to formal services such as police, child protection or counseling because these interventions may not be safe & can create more danger for adult & child survivors. 

    New research is backing up this approach by exploring how coercive control impacts children directly via multiple pathways to harm. In this episode, Ruth and David talk with Dr Emma Katz,  a leading research specialist in the harms caused by perpetrators to mothers and children in the context of domestic abuse. The topics of conversation include:


    How perpetrators of coercive control create danger & harm for their children within relationships &  post-separationHow professionals & systems are failing to assess the parenting of the perpetrator & how that increases the danger for child & adult survivors How the language of "child exposed to domestic violence" obscures the multiple ways perpetrators harm children & hides the choices of the perpetrator as a parentHow coercive control impacts child safety, wellbeing & family functioning  in the absence of physical violence 
    Access Dr. Katz's Research

    Dr. Emma Katz Bio
    She is a Senior Lecturer in Childhood and Youth at Liverpool Hope University and has won multiple awards for her research, including the Corinna Seith Prize, awarded by Women Against Violence Europe in 2016.  Emma has also written for the academic journal Child Abuse Review. Her most recent article, ‘When Coercive Control Continues to Harm Children: Post‐Separation Fathering, Stalking and Domestic Violence’, is now available to read and download, as is her 2016 article ‘Beyond the Physical Incident Model: How Children Living with Domestic Violence are Harmed by and Resist Regimes of Coercive Control’, which is one of the journal’s most viewed articles to date. Alongside these, Emma is releasing a book titled Coercive Control in Children’s and Mothers’ Lives which will be published in early 2022 by Oxford University Press.




    Join us on January 13-14 2022 for our next major virtual event.  Go to our website and check out our events page. 

    • 59 min

Customer Reviews

4.8 out of 5
12 Ratings

12 Ratings

Edi Marie ,

Thank you!

This podcast is so needed! As a former victim I wish that the lawyers, judges, and DV center employees had had this type of awareness about abuse. You are doing such a service by addressing the pitfalls and biases around a subject people still have so much to learn about.

Top Podcasts In Society & Culture

Listeners Also Subscribed To