Pleasure Uprising: Desire, Attachment, and the Sex You Actually Want

Laura Jurgens, Ph.D.
  • 5.0 (26)
  • SEXUALITY
  • UPDATED WEEKLY

Formerly The Desire Gap Podcast Most people who feel disconnected from their desire, their pleasure, or their partners have spent years assuming something is wrong with them. It isn't. The disconnection is real — but it traces back to what most of us were never taught: how to be in our bodies fully, how to connect to each other authentically, how to know and ask for what we need without guilt or shame. Culture shapes that — the broader culture we inherit, and the family we grew up in — and it can be unlearned. Pleasure, secure attachment, and authentic desire are your birthright. You can learn what you were never taught — and unlearn what got in the way. Dr. Laura Jurgens is a somatic sex and intimacy specialist, Master Certified Intimacy Coach, American Board of Sexology Certified Sex Educator, and former research professor whose work sits at the intersection of nervous system science, attachment theory, and genuine embodied pleasure. Every episode delivers the somatic, body-based tools that generic relationship advice and most therapists miss entirely — because desire, pleasure, and connection aren't fixed by talking more. They're fixed by giving your body and your nervous system reparative experiences and embodied practices that shift you out of your past.  This show covers: getting out of your head during sex · low libido and what actually helps · somatic and nervous system approaches to intimacy · desire discrepancy and mismatched libido · secure attachment and relationship repair · sexual shame and body disconnection · how to talk about sex without fighting · ADHD and desire · the orgasm gap and why it exists · reclaiming pleasure on your own terms. Whether you've tried therapy, books, or just quietly wondering why intimacy feels harder than it should — this show will help you understand why those things don't move the needle — and what does. New episodes weekly. Start wherever you are. Free resource: Get Out of Your Head — A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guideFor deeper dives-- including cultural analysis and the research behind desire, arousal, and attachment -- plus a chance to ask me questions, subscribe to my Substack: https://laurajurgens.substack.com/

  1. 3D AGO

    Sexual Shame: Why We All Have It and How to Give It Back

    Most people carry sexual shame so quietly and for so long that it starts to feel like a character trait rather than something that was handed to them. It isn't. Every flavor of shame — about wanting too much, too little, taking too long, not taking long enough, about your body, your history, your desires, your "low libido" — came from somewhere specific. And that somewhere is not you. In this episode, I go through the full inventory of sexual shame I see in my somatic intimacy coaching practice, explain exactly where it came from (the culture, not your character), and go deeper into why shame lives in the body and nervous system — not just the mind — and what that means for how you actually release it. This is about a somatic, body-based approach to understanding and releasing sexual shame — and it goes where most intimacy advice, and even therapy, doesn't. In this episode, you'll learn: The most common sexual shames — about desire, low libido, body image, sexual anxiety, sexual confidence, and what it takes to orgasm — and why every single one makes complete sense given the culture we inheritedWhy shame is stored in the nervous system and body as implicit memory — and why thinking or talking your way out of it rarely worksWhat shame actually does behaviorally — why it makes you hide, avoid, and stay quiet, which is the opposite of what heals itWhy speaking your shame to someone who stays in full somatic connection with you is the most powerful antidote — and why that's so hard to find on your ownWhat somatic healing of sexual shame actually looks like in practice — and how it differs from traditional therapy or mindset workMy own shame story — the things I carried for years without knowing I was carrying them, and what shifted when I stopped trying to think my way through itThe culture handed you this shame. You don't have to keep carrying it — but getting free of it requires more than understanding it. This episode is where that starts. Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide Find out more about my offerings and read the blog: https://laurajurgens.com/ Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

    35 min
  2. Pleasure Uprising: Why Culture Owes You an Apology

    APR 6

    Pleasure Uprising: Why Culture Owes You an Apology

    Have you ever followed the "right" advice and ended up further from yourself? That's what this episode is about — and it's also why we're now Pleasure Uprising: Desire, Attachment, and the Sex You Actually Want. The evolution of this show mirrors what happens in my practice all the time: when you stop trying to fit yourself into the frame someone else handed you, something truer emerges. In this episode: What the desire gap framing got right, what it missed, and what the shift revealsWhy the disconnection most people feel from pleasure and desire is fundamentally a cultural problem, not just a personal oneThe full scope of what we're doing here: somatic and nervous-system-based work, secure attachment, and creating the most pleasurable relationships possibleWhy trusting your own experiment — over conventional wisdom — is the foundation of real desire and genuine connectionIf you're curious about what's possible when you stop performing and start pursuing your own pleasure, desire, and genuine connection, you're in the right place. Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide Find out more about my offerings and read the blog: https://laurajurgens.com/ Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

    29 min

  3. MAR 30

    Confident, not controlling: what "take charge in bed" actually means

    When a woman asks a male partner to "be more assertive in bed," those words are typically landing differently than she intends — and differently than he's hearing them. This is a gendered language problem, and it's causing real confusion, frustration, and disappointment in real relationships. There is a real vocabulary mismatch about "dominance" and "assertiveness" rooted in how men and women are socialized differently as children around anger, aggression, and sexuality — and once you see it, you can't unsee it. In this episode, you'll learn: Why "assertive" and "dominant" mean different things depending on how you were socialized — and why that gap is doing damageThe five things women typically mean when they ask for more assertiveness in bed — for women who want to understand how to ask more effectively, and for the partners trying to meet itWhy aggression shuts desire down at the nervous system level — and what works insteadWhat "attuned confidence" actually means and how to build itWhat the masculine/feminine polarity content getting popular right now is actually teaching — and why it's harming real libidosSimple scripts for both of you: how to say what you actually mean, and how to ask what your partner actually meansMost couples are having the wrong conversation about this. This episode gives you the right one. Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide Find out more about my offerings and read the blog: https://laurajurgens.com/ Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

    43 min

  4. MAR 23

    Why you don't want the honeymoon phase back (and what's actually better)

    You've heard it a thousand times: "keep the spark alive, get back to how it used to be, recreate that honeymoon phase magic." But what if that's the wrong goal entirely? Here's what nobody tells you: the honeymoon phase was a drug state — literally. A neurochemical cocktail of dopamine, norepinephrine, and nerve growth factor that made you want constantly, but didn't actually deliver the goods. Research shows that only 49% of women climax in new or casual encounters, compared to 70% in long-term committed relationships. You were having more sex, more urgently — and less actual satisfaction. In this episode, I unpack the neuroscience of New Relationship Energy (NRE), why it was never meant to last, and — most importantly — what becomes available on the other side of it when you build intentionally. Spoiler: it's not a consolation prize. It's deep satisfaction that a honeymoon phase literally cannot give you. You'll learn: What's actually happening in your brain and body during the "honeymoon phase" of NRE (and how serotonin actually drops)Why the NRE fade is completion, not failureWhat long-term desire offers that new relationships never can — being truly known, a partner who has learned your actual erotic makeup, and trust built through rupture and repair (if you  do the work to build it)Why "trying harder" doesn't work — and what actually changes the patternThe new research showing that desire for novelty and desire for deep commitment aren't oppositesThis episode ends with a guided future visualization to help you focus forward.  If you've been trying to go backward, this episode will turn you around. Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide Find out more about my offerings and read the blog: https://laurajurgens.com/ Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

    45 min

  5. MAR 17

    BONUS: Your Kids Are Watching: Teaching Embodied Consent (Podcasthon for Freedom Network USA)

    BONUS: Teaching embodied consent at home—for your kids AND your relationship. This special Podcasthon 2026 episode benefits Freedom Network USA, the largest coalition working on human trafficking in the United States. Prevention of sexual violence starts in families— and most of us were never taught how to practice true embodied consent ourselves. In this episode, you'll learn: Why teaching consent early matters— and how it connects to preventing exploitation5 practical tools you can use TODAY to teach body autonomy and boundary respect to your kidsHow to model consent in your adult relationship (even if you're navigating a desire gap)Why "embodied" consent is different from just asking—and why it mattersWhat to do if you don't know how to say no without guilt or respect your partner's boundaries without resentmentPlus: An interview with Karen Romero, Co-Executive Director of Freedom Network USA, on immigration policy, vulnerability to trafficking, and how listeners can help. Kids learn from what we DO, not just what we say. If you're struggling with embodied consent in your own relationship—saying yes when you don't want to, sulking when your partner says no, avoiding touch because it feels like pressure—your kids are learning those patterns too. This episode gives you actionable practices to change that, plus a curated list of age-appropriate consent books for kids (link below). Support Freedom Network USA: [Donate Here] Learn more: https://freedomnetworkusa.org | https://podcasthon.org Resources: Consent books for kids by age group: https://laurajurgens.com/consent-books-for-kids/ Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide Find out more about my offerings and read the blog: https://laurajurgens.com/ Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

    21 min

  6. MAR 16

    Touch Aversion: When your partner's touch makes your skin crawl (and what helps)

    Does your partner's touch make your skin crawl? You're not broken—and this is fixable. Touch aversion is when affectionate or sexual touch from your partner feels wrong in your body— irritating, threatening, or like you need to escape. This can happen even with light, loving touch.  This isn't about attraction. It's a nervous system response— and it's more common than you think. In this episode, you'll learn: What touch aversion actually is (and why it's not rejection, it's protection)8 causes beyond sexual trauma—including disembodied consent, emotional coercion, being "touched out" from kids, unresolved resentments, and attachment patternsWhy therapy may help you understand it but doesn't solve it (and what does)Why your partner acting hurt about it makes it worse, even though it's understandableThe Three-Touch Discovery Process— a practice you can try today to start reconnecting with what your body actually wantsTouch aversion happens when your nervous system has learned that touch isn't safe— even with a safe partner. You can't think your way out of a body-based response. You need new somatic experiences to re-pattern. This is solvable. But you need guided work with someone who specializes in nervous system re-patterning, not just talk therapy. So we'll talk about what that looks like.  If you want help, book a consultation at https://laurajurgens.com/book-a-consult/ Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide Find out more about my offerings and read the blog: https://laurajurgens.com/ Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

    44 min

  7. MAR 9

    The Golden Rule of Sex (and why that Other One does NOT apply)

    Treat others the way you want to be treated? Great rule. Terrible sex advice. In this episode I'm breaking down the principle that actually works — go at the pace of the slowest body in the room, with open curiosity — and why applying the wrong golden rule is one of the most common ways couples accidentally shut down desire without even realizing it. I talk about what going slow actually asks of the faster-arousing partner (hint: it's not a sacrifice — it's new, but delicious), why the slower-arousing partner needs to develop real self-knowledge first, and what that actually looks like in practice. I also get into why so many people with vulvas have never actually explored their own peak arousal — and why that matters more than most sex "experts" will ever tell you. If you've ever felt like your body isn't responding the way it "should," or like you and your partner are somehow always missing each other — this one's for you. Topics covered: Why the wrong golden rule kills desire without anyone meaning it toThe nervous system reason that going too fast trips the brakesWhat the "five-course meal approach" actually looks likeSelf-exploration as a non-negotiable — and how to startHealing your relationship with your own genitalsGet my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide Find out more about my offerings and read the blog: https://laurajurgens.com/ Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

    34 min

  8. MAR 2

    How to know when it's time to stop learning and start doing

    Ever notice how sometimes the answer isn't more information — it's actually doing something with what you already know? Like when your car is broken, you don't actually need more information from the mechanic after a certain point. You need someone to get under the hood and DO the work.  I recorded this episode because I kept seeing the same pattern: people who've been reading books, listening to podcasts, and taking courses about their desire gap for years — but nothing in their relationship has actually changed. If that's you (or someone you love), this episode might be the permission slip you need. I walk through how to tell the difference between productive learning and learning as avoidance — when gathering more information becomes a way to delay the discomfort of actually trying something new. And I help you figure out which one you're in right now. You'll learn: The one question that reveals whether you need more information or you need to take actionHow to know when "I just need to understand it better first" is actually fear talkingPractical guidance to make the switch from default-thinking (aka fear and avoidance brain) to "I can take action" Here's the truth I wish someone had told me earlier in my own journey: You don't need to wait until "the right time." There is never a perfect time. You don't need to "feel ready." (We never feel ready). But there's a point at which we all need to decide we are worth it and take action, not just keep learning.  If this resonates, send it to someone who's been stuck in the same loop. Sometimes we all need someone to lovingly say: you're ready, even if it doesn't feel like it. Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide Find out more about my offerings and read the blog: https://laurajurgens.com/ Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

    45 min
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5
out of 5
26 Ratings

About

Formerly The Desire Gap Podcast Most people who feel disconnected from their desire, their pleasure, or their partners have spent years assuming something is wrong with them. It isn't. The disconnection is real — but it traces back to what most of us were never taught: how to be in our bodies fully, how to connect to each other authentically, how to know and ask for what we need without guilt or shame. Culture shapes that — the broader culture we inherit, and the family we grew up in — and it can be unlearned. Pleasure, secure attachment, and authentic desire are your birthright. You can learn what you were never taught — and unlearn what got in the way. Dr. Laura Jurgens is a somatic sex and intimacy specialist, Master Certified Intimacy Coach, American Board of Sexology Certified Sex Educator, and former research professor whose work sits at the intersection of nervous system science, attachment theory, and genuine embodied pleasure. Every episode delivers the somatic, body-based tools that generic relationship advice and most therapists miss entirely — because desire, pleasure, and connection aren't fixed by talking more. They're fixed by giving your body and your nervous system reparative experiences and embodied practices that shift you out of your past.  This show covers: getting out of your head during sex · low libido and what actually helps · somatic and nervous system approaches to intimacy · desire discrepancy and mismatched libido · secure attachment and relationship repair · sexual shame and body disconnection · how to talk about sex without fighting · ADHD and desire · the orgasm gap and why it exists · reclaiming pleasure on your own terms. Whether you've tried therapy, books, or just quietly wondering why intimacy feels harder than it should — this show will help you understand why those things don't move the needle — and what does. New episodes weekly. Start wherever you are. Free resource: Get Out of Your Head — A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guideFor deeper dives-- including cultural analysis and the research behind desire, arousal, and attachment -- plus a chance to ask me questions, subscribe to my Substack: https://laurajurgens.substack.com/

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