Polyamory: Attachment, Trauma & Relational Growth Unpacked, with Jessica Fern, David Cooley & JP Bolhuis

Hosted by Rosemary Davies-Janes. Produced by J'aime Rothbard.

This episode introduces Polyamory, a form of consensual non-monogamy, as a relational style involving multiple loving, consensual, romantic partners simultaneously. It emphasizes trust, open communication (as opposed to secretive 'cheating') and mutual agreement. Jessica and David, themselves polyamory practitioners and co-authors of two books on Polyamory, are joined by JP Bolhuis, a Psychosocial Therapist, Compassionate Inquiry Practitioner and Private Mentor who recently entered the world of polyamory.

Jesica and David explain: - Polyamory is often adopted as a personal orientation or for philosophical reasons - A key concept in managing multiple relationships is: "Love is infinite, but time isn't." - How the structured approach of restorative justice navigates conflict in intimate relationships - The crucial role Internal Family Systems plays in healing within polyamorous contexts - How Shame Triangles can be transformed into Self-Love Triangles

JP vulnerably shares his personal journey into polyamory, including his challenges with anxious and avoidant attachment tendencies, past shame, and how to approach the topic with his children.

About Jessica Fern Integrative Therapist, Coach, Author A Certified Clinical Trauma Professional she holds a MA in Conflict Resolution, and draws on 25 years of experience in somatic, narrative, psychotherapeutic, and spiritual healing modalities. She bridges Internal Family Systems, attachment theory, trauma recovery, and relational psychology to help people cultivate secure, Self-led relationships—with themselves and others.

Jessica is the internationally recognized author of Polysecure (2020), The Polysecure Workbook (2022), Polywise (2023) and Transforming the Shame Triangle (2025).

In her international private practice, she supports individuals and couples in multi-partner relationships who want to break free from reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment, and past trauma—empowering them to embody new possibilities in life and love.

About David Cooley Restorative Justice Facilitator, Diversity & Privilege Awareness Trainer, Bilingual Cultural Broker

While working as a professional Restorative Circle facilitator and trainer in the field of Restorative Justice, David was impressed by the power of dialogue, within a safe and structured container, to radically transform conflict into a tremendously healing process. So he created the Restorative Relationship Conversations model, a process that transforms interpersonal conflict into deeper connection, intimacy and repair.

In his private practice, David specializes in working with non-monogamous and LGBTQ partnerships, incorporating a variety of modalities including trauma-informed care, attachment theory, somatic practices, narrative theory, and mindfulness-based techniques.

With Jessica Fern, he co-authored Polywise (2023) and Transforming the Shame Triangle (2025).

About Jan Peter Bolhuis Psychosocial Therapist, CI Private Mentor & Practitioner

Having been trained by Gabor Maté and others, JP is currently completing his development in ACT therapy. He runs a trauma therapy practice, works in homeless care and teaches close combat in his own school.

A 55 year old father of three and grandfather of one, JP lives in a peaceful, forested environment and shares his life in a polyamorous relationship.

Relationships are no longer places where he adapts to belong, but invitations to be real. For his first 46 years JP drifted far from himself.

Over the past eight years, he learned to hold himself in pain or confusion without disappearing into old patterns of numbing with distraction, sex or drugs. He also shifted from surviving to living with awareness, from strategy to values and from correction to connection.

For JP, healing is no longer a destination but an 'in the moment' choice to 'ride the rollercoaster.'

Promotional Message: If you're not a therapist or healer, but you've heard our guests describe the personal transformations they experienced during their Compassionate Inquiry® journeys, and wonder what that would be like for you... Circles is a 10-week small group experience offered to anyone who wants to experience the power of Gabor Maté's approach to trauma healing. Use this link to find out if this program is for you

Resources:

Websites:

Jessica's Website

David's Website

JP's Website

JP's Healing Grounds Site

JP's Compassionate Inquiry Profile

Articles:

The Universal Human Need to be Seen, Heard and Valued

The Karpman Drama Triangle

Books:

Polywise: A Deeper Dive into Navigating Open Relationships

Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

Transforming the Shame Triangle: From Shame to Love Using Parts Work

Videos:

Gabor Maté on Marriage

Podcasts:

Quotes:

"To be truly seen and heard, to be truly known, is a deep human need." - Charles Eisenstein, Sacred Economics: Money, Gift, and Society in the Age of Transition

"Nonmonogamy can be a pressure cooker for growth. It is commonly and playfully known in the nonmonogamous world that you shouldn't enter consensual nonmonogamy unless you are ready to process, communicate, grow and then process, communicate and grow some more." - Jessica Fern, Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

"A relationship can be a real ground for mutual growth. So you can enter into a relationship... you're not going to be perfect, carry a certain degree of trauma, a certain degree of dysfunction, etc. But if both people are committed to the truth more than "who's right" and working it out and if the fundamental love is there, then you can grow together." - Gabor Maté

Social Media:

IG: @jessicafern411 IG: @bolhuisjanpeter

David on LinkedIn

JP on LinkedIn

JP on Facebook

Jessica on Facebook