Roxanne Granata: How God Helped Me With My Husband’s Pornography Addiction Stories of Hope in Hard Times

What do you do when you find out your spouse is deeply involved with pornography and lying about it? Roxanne Granata shares her story and the lessons learned with God's help.
Roxanne Granata: How God Helped Me with My Husband's Pornography AddictionRoxanne's BioRoxanne Kennedy-Granata was raised in Northern California and lived for 20 years in Idaho. The past six years she has lived in Utah. She has worked in sales the majority of her adult life, teaching and training others to reach personal success in their businesses. Roxanne is the author of Cutting Ties: Healing from Betrayal Trauma as the Spouse of an Addict. She loves tennis when she makes the time for it. Her true passion has become meeting and talking with individuals and groups about healing from trials and challenges addiction bring into a family and relationships.
She recently married a man she dated in college 27 years ago after they reconnected through a friend. Together, they have nine children. Roxanne met her current husband in college. However, that relationship ended and they both got married. He had been married for 25 years and Roxanne was married for 21 years. Those marriages both ended. They had a mutual friend who was his roommate in college who read Roxanne's book. He sent his friend Roxanne's book, mostly to help his friend but also to help set them up. He read Roxanne's book twice and left her review, and that's how their relationship rekindled.
Roxanne's First MarriageSix months into their marriage, Roxanne found the first clue her husband struggled with pornography. She was totally shocked. She didn't think it made sense. Roxanne remembers thinking they were married, they were intimate, so something must be wrong with her. She thought she wasn't cute enough or smart enough.
But as Roxanne learned more about addiction, she learned it actually has nothing to do with the person and everything to do with the addict and what they're missing in their own lives. Roxanne confronted him and he admitted he had a problem. They went to see their church leader, who was very loving and shared his own struggle with pornography. He told them to continue to read scriptures and pray together. Roxanne says those things are good, but that's not what takes the addiction away. It's not just a choice.
While they came away from their meeting feeling better, Roxanne's trust was gone. She felt anxious about what he could be doing while she wasn't home. Their lives had become extremely difficult. She wouldn't understand until many years later, but Roxanne was experiencing betrayal trauma.
Betrayal TraumaBetrayal trauma is when someone you love (and who is supposed to care for you) lies, manipulates, and deceives. All of the sudden, your whole world has been turned upside down and you feel trauma and anxiety over things you didn't before. You might be triggered over something. For Roxanne, seeing someone not fully clothed might trigger her and make her worry about what he might think. When those things happen, your body goes into a traumatic response similar to PTSD. Your body could start shaking, your heart could start to race and it takes times to calm yourself down.
Initially, Roxanne went into, "I can do this and I can save everybody" mode. She realized after going to counseling she was trying to make up for the fact this was all happening. She felt her husband was present and supportive, in spite of everything going on. So she was still very confused as to why he was making the choices he was making.
Roxanne learned later her reality was skewed. She began to understand that being good dad but still choosing pornography was manipulative. He was lying to them so his other life wouldn't be discovered. Over 17 years, Roxanne continued to find evidence her husband was still having problems with pornography. Her trust in him was continually broken.
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