40 min
Talking About Sex: Complicated, Uncomfortable, Necessary The TotalSelf Considered
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- Mental Health
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Why do so many of us find it so difficult to talk about sex? How important is the pleasure aspect in sexual relationships? Who should one go to if they are having issues with sexual intimacy?
In this episode of The Total Self Considered, Jeff Fine interviews Zoya Simakhodskaya, a psychotherapist specializing in couples therapy and sexual relationships. An experienced therapist, instructor, and EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) practitioner, Zoya brings her insights from many years of working with couples and educating therapists about the importance of addressing sexual issues in relationships. Jeff and Zoya discuss what goes into a healthy, satisfying sex life and why people avoid talking about sex. Together, they break down common patterns that lead to issues in sexual relationships, and the personal, social and cultural factors that complicate the issues, and share some advice for couples who may be struggling.
Summary of Episode
A lot of partners don’t talk about sex with each other, parents and children don’t talk about it – why?
Vulnerability and sensitivity about ourselves as sexual beings
Importance of trust
The way parents talk about sex and bodies, and how it can lead to feelings of shame or fear in young people
Therapists could also get better informed about how to talk about sex
Not “the” conversation, but ongoing conversations
Make sex beautiful – talking about pleasure
How one’s negative comments about their own or other people’s appearance can affect children’s view of themselves
Importance of sexual intimacy in romantic relationships
Feeling loved, connected, desired has a big impact on the relationship overall
Definition of a healthy sexual relationship – World Health Organization’s version
Key components of healthy sexual relationships: positive, respectful, pleasurable and safe
A variety of sexual experiences can be healthy as long as they are respectful and pleasurable for both people
A negative sexual cycle in EFT – what is it and how it plays out
Searching/pursuing vs withdrawing
Need for emotional connection for sexual intimacy
Stereotypes of pursuer and withdrawer and how they don’t apply along gender lines
Cultural shift in couples’ dynamics
Even couples who get along well can have difficulties in their sexual relationship
How a person’s emotions and sense of safety can have a big impact on whether the sexual relationship is satisfying
Who to consult for different kinds of sexual issues
Sexual issues arising from medical problems and sexual issues related to emotional aspects
What defines safe will vary for each couple
Therapists should be mindful of bringing in their own morals or expectations about sexual relationships into their work
Advice from Zoya to couples who are unsatisfied in their sexual relationship
Committed, happy couples can also have issues in their sexual lives
“Hold Me Tight” workshops for couples
Quotables
“The quality of the emotional relationship will always affect their sexuality.
It’s very hard to feel relaxed, and playful, and have fun if you are stressed out.”- Zoya
“Being intimate implies you have to let some of your armor down. If you don’t feel safe, that armor is really hard to let down.” – Jeff
“Be brave and courageous to bring it up if you’re struggling.” – Zoya
Resources/links
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Why do so many of us find it so difficult to talk about sex? How important is the pleasure aspect in sexual relationships? Who should one go to if they are having issues with sexual intimacy?
In this episode of The Total Self Considered, Jeff Fine interviews Zoya Simakhodskaya, a psychotherapist specializing in couples therapy and sexual relationships. An experienced therapist, instructor, and EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) practitioner, Zoya brings her insights from many years of working with couples and educating therapists about the importance of addressing sexual issues in relationships. Jeff and Zoya discuss what goes into a healthy, satisfying sex life and why people avoid talking about sex. Together, they break down common patterns that lead to issues in sexual relationships, and the personal, social and cultural factors that complicate the issues, and share some advice for couples who may be struggling.
Summary of Episode
A lot of partners don’t talk about sex with each other, parents and children don’t talk about it – why?
Vulnerability and sensitivity about ourselves as sexual beings
Importance of trust
The way parents talk about sex and bodies, and how it can lead to feelings of shame or fear in young people
Therapists could also get better informed about how to talk about sex
Not “the” conversation, but ongoing conversations
Make sex beautiful – talking about pleasure
How one’s negative comments about their own or other people’s appearance can affect children’s view of themselves
Importance of sexual intimacy in romantic relationships
Feeling loved, connected, desired has a big impact on the relationship overall
Definition of a healthy sexual relationship – World Health Organization’s version
Key components of healthy sexual relationships: positive, respectful, pleasurable and safe
A variety of sexual experiences can be healthy as long as they are respectful and pleasurable for both people
A negative sexual cycle in EFT – what is it and how it plays out
Searching/pursuing vs withdrawing
Need for emotional connection for sexual intimacy
Stereotypes of pursuer and withdrawer and how they don’t apply along gender lines
Cultural shift in couples’ dynamics
Even couples who get along well can have difficulties in their sexual relationship
How a person’s emotions and sense of safety can have a big impact on whether the sexual relationship is satisfying
Who to consult for different kinds of sexual issues
Sexual issues arising from medical problems and sexual issues related to emotional aspects
What defines safe will vary for each couple
Therapists should be mindful of bringing in their own morals or expectations about sexual relationships into their work
Advice from Zoya to couples who are unsatisfied in their sexual relationship
Committed, happy couples can also have issues in their sexual lives
“Hold Me Tight” workshops for couples
Quotables
“The quality of the emotional relationship will always affect their sexuality.
It’s very hard to feel relaxed, and playful, and have fun if you are stressed out.”- Zoya
“Being intimate implies you have to let some of your armor down. If you don’t feel safe, that armor is really hard to let down.” – Jeff
“Be brave and courageous to bring it up if you’re struggling.” – Zoya
Resources/links
40 min