232 episodes

The ebbs and flows of this alcoholic. It's all true. Sometimes I'm serious. Sometimes I'm not.

tcr! diaries - podcast tcr!

    • Personal Journals
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The ebbs and flows of this alcoholic. It's all true. Sometimes I'm serious. Sometimes I'm not.

    Proof would kill me (closure)

    Proof would kill me (closure)

    content: Sep 17, 2017 · podcast: May 24, 2020



    I’ve gotten a lot of feedback, much of it good, from the Proof would kill me duet. If you haven’t read them you should. Pause, go now, and resume reading afterward.

    Anyways... A good chunk of people can relate to the tragedy of infidelity because they’ve experienced it themselves. I don’t wanna say it’s common place but it’s certainly not unusual. I’ve had experience with it on both sides. Because I’m an a*****e.

    The “cheating” part isn’t something that we really like to talk about either. Or even acknowledge. The only reason I talk about it openly now is because it was so long ago. And I’m not married to Kathy any more either.

    The “I’m not enough” feelings that are front and certain during it are downright crushing. And to be completely honest, I wasn’t enough for Kathy during that time. I was emotionally crippled by my own issues and other b******t. I couldn’t be there for her in ways that she need me to. She deserved much better than what I had to offer. You want to have a healthy relationship with someone? Clean out your f*****g basement.

    Some people have asked me why I still think about it. It’s not like I don’t have closure there because I do. There’s nothing more that I could say or would want to say to Kathy try to fix any of it. It’s not broken today. It’s as closed as it’s ever going to be.

    I think the reason why I think about it now and then is because, well, Sara and I were watching an episode of Westworld and there’s a scene where Jeffrey Wright’s character is talking to his wife or ex-wife and she says that maybe they should stop talking about their dead son. And then Jeffrey’s character says, “the pain is all that I have left” or something similar. Not talking about shit has done me more damage than the actual shit itself.

    The Westward scene doesn’t directly translate to my situation with Kathy but it resonates in that that short-lived, 3 1/2 year era we shared — all of those experiences, for better or worse, shaped me into who I am today. And I don’t want to necessarily forget about them because some 20 odd years later they help me be the best me that I can be. In the here and now. I don’t want to ever forget about the lessons and the heartache because I want to take those tragic experiences and use them to keep me on a spiritual path today. If that makes sense. It’s the classic doomed history repeating itself.

    It’s like I’m not as much of an a*****e now because I haven’t forgot how much of an a*****e I was then.

    How much of an a*****e you ask? One time I had a picture of another girl in my pants pocket and forgot about it. It was just a picture, nothing more than that but a picture of another girl nonetheless. On laundry day Kathy found that picture while doing my laundry and laid it on top of my folded clothes. She didn’t say a word either. Ouch.

    Back to the here and now… I want to be able to share my experience, strength, and hope with other people if that helps them move beyond something that’s been holding them back. We deserve to live a life with less pain. Life’s f*****g hard enough without carrying yesterday’s torments around.

    I had one other thought on all of this, too.

    John Roderick said something on his podcast about walking into his class reunion with preconceived notions or something. I don’t remember exactly what it was but you should listen to all of him and Merlin Mann’s stuff. It’s really that good. Go listen to the Roderick on the Line podcast. DO IT.

    When I think about Kathy now I just remember the girl I knew all those years ago. Just the same as when I think about the people I went to high school with. I remember them as who they were back when we were in school together. I guess I’ve never really thought about them growing and

    Proof would kill me (follow up)

    Proof would kill me (follow up)

    content: Sep 11, 2017 · podcast: May 19, 2020






    In follow up to my earlier piece, Proof would kill me, I just want to put it out there that I only talked about two of the things that Kathy did that hurt me. I didn't mention my sins, all the things I did to hurt her because that wasn't the point I was after.

    My point was: we can be hurt and then move past it, that being in constant pain isn't normal, isn't something we should or have to live with.




    Most importantly: she wasn’t only to blame for our failed marriage and I wasn’t the sole victim either.

    What I said toward the very end:


    And that’s what happens when we deal with life. That’s what happens when we process it, find closure — it no longer holds us back in our lives today.



    On my end that’s a big part of why our marriage did indeed fail. During that era I was held back by my own pain and issues I hadn't dealt with. When I was with her I wasn’t able to live fully in that “today.”

    My head was too full of berserk, physically present but emotions akin to a room full of pinball machines. I was maybe a year, year and a half sober and transitioning ungracefully from an out of control, drunk/drugged teenager to a sober, pretend grownup. And it wasn't pretty.


    I’ve said many times that the person you all know today wasn’t the person I’ve always been. Twenty some odd years ago, man was I a riot.

    Who knows what would've happened if I'd have been at peace when I met Kathy. I regret that I wasn't the best me I could be when we were together. I feel bad that the pain of our divorce is what it took for me to make that spiritual transition, to deal with shadows locked away in the basement of my soul. All those lessons and growth on the other side were in response to the heartbreak I felt from losing her.

    That’s how I can be like “whatever” in the here and now when thinking about her transgressions. Siting where I do today I don’t blame her for doing what she did then because I grew as a result. I’ve processed it, let it go. Let her go.

    She was doing the best she could with what was in her toolbox.


    And lastly this from my researcher:


    Statistically, (because I like good, hard science) young marriages don't usually work out. Even less so, when it's under the gun. And even less so after losing a child. You probably had a 5% chance of making it, at best.



    #relationships #diariespodcast


    Next: Proof would kill me (closure up) →




    jimi hindrance experience
    · Sep 11, 2017 at 9:06 pm








    “basement of my soul”—-A+

    i have similar words describing the world of pain prior to enlightment: “Trailer Park Soul”, which I have often stylized with all lower case.

    When I went to copyright TPS, there were DOZENS of authors with extremely similar words. Lesson is that you can’t copyright stuff fast enough. It was at least 5 years old when I went to get wrights. I have wondered what would have happened if I’d moved faster.

    On the topic: I’m a big believer in starter marriages. It’s a damn shame, but I was an axxhole. I’ve totally forgiven and forgotten that one. Too much crap since to be viable.







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    tcr!
    · Sep 12, 2017 at 11:24 am








    Re: copyrights— I think I’ve only had one thing copyrighted and that was a music CD back in the 90s. I think why I stopped bothering is because from what I read all work is automatically copyrighted but if one wanted said copyright to stand up in court one should make it official with the gov’mt. That’s just from what I vaguely remember anyways.

    Re: starter marriages— yep, Kathy was good practice. I don’t know why I still think about her, it’s not like I do every day but I suppose weekly for sure.

    • video
    Virtual Bunker Tour (MP4 Video)

    Virtual Bunker Tour (MP4 Video)

    content: May 17, 2020



    Please enjoy a view from the futon in the office bunker.

    #diariesvideo #basement




    jenkins_arts

    · May 17, 2020 at 2:41 pm








    Excellent!







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    tcr!
    · 7 days ago








    Yes and no 😊







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    jimi hindrance experience
    · 7 days ago








    The Hunker Bunker







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    Uncle Timmy

    · 7 days ago








    The Cave!!! 🎯







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    tcrbang.com
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    Of course I can run an elevator

    Of course I can run an elevator

    content: May 13, 2020



    I was softly clanging around on the MIDI keyboard the other night and came up with a couple of melodies. I couldn’t really find any words to go with them so I decided to look up what was in the public domain.




    Old time spoken word radio has always plucked my heart strings and I came across Lights Out, an old 1930s program. The Sub-Basement episode caught my ear so I chopped up the couple's underground struggle and mixed their real story in with my keyboard melodies.





    Related links:

    archive.org/.../Lights_Out_43-08-24_047_Sub-Basement_Going_Down.mp3
    oldtimeradiomagic.com/4.html
    en.wikipedia.org/.../Lights_Out_(radio_show)
    en.wikipedia.org/.../Chicago_Tunnel_Company
    From the wikipedia:


    Oboler met the demand by adopting an unusual scripting procedure: He would lie in bed at night, smoke cigarettes, and improvise into a Dictaphone, acting out every line of the play. In this way, he was able to complete a script quickly, sometimes in as little as 30 minutes, though he might take as long as three or four hours. In the morning, a stenographer would type up the recording for Oboler's revisions.



    I tell ya, dictation is the way to go for capturing one’s thoughts.

    This episode brought to you by Ironized Yeast tablets, for glorious pep and strength and needed pounds regained.


    #lightsout #diariespodcast #diariesvideo




    Mitchell

    · May 13, 2020 at 8:47 pm








    interesting and abstract I like it







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    tcr!
    · May 13, 2020 at 9:22 pm








    Thanks man! I like musical abstraction 😊







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    jimi hindrance experience
    · May 14, 2020 at 12:16 am








    When they say “you can’t get out here’…







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    tcr!
    · May 14, 2020 at 9:18 am








    The guy that wrote/performed the show was Arch Oboler. Laying in bed, smoking cigs, and writing Lights Out radio in his head. I can relate 😊







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    jimi hindrance experience
    · May 14, 2020 at 12:16 am








    What were you drinking?







    $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;



    jimi hindrance experience
    · May 14, 2020 at 12:16 am








    Brown liguid in clear cup.







    $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;



    jimi hindrance experience
    · May 14, 2020 at 4:25 pm








    No, serious, it didn’t look like coffee and I wondered if you drank cherry cokes or something.







    $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;



    tcr!
    · May 14, 2020 at 4:37 pm








    Oh… I thought you were talking about something in the audio. It’s just iced tea with sugar and spoon.







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    jimi hindrance experience
    · May 14, 2020 at 4:38 pm








    coolio







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    threecrates
    · May 14, 2020 at 12:11 pm








    Incredible! I love stuff like this. Perhaps we shall record something together someday.✌🏻❤️







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    tcr!
    · May 14, 2020 at 12:28 pm








    Send me some audio files (mp3s, wavs) and I’ll mix something up. It’ll be a covid quarantine collaboration! 🎼







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    Dusk Clan

    • video
    Of course I can run an elevator (MP4 Video)

    Of course I can run an elevator (MP4 Video)

    content: May 13, 2020



    I was softly clanging around on the MIDI keyboard the other night and came up with a couple of melodies. I couldn’t really find any words to go with them so I decided to look up what was in the public domain.




    Old time spoken word radio has always plucked my heart strings and I came across Lights Out, an old 1930s program. The Sub-Basement episode caught my ear so I chopped up the couple's underground struggle and mixed their real story in with my keyboard melodies.





    Related links:

    archive.org/.../Lights_Out_43-08-24_047_Sub-Basement_Going_Down.mp3
    oldtimeradiomagic.com/4.html
    en.wikipedia.org/.../Lights_Out_(radio_show)
    en.wikipedia.org/.../Chicago_Tunnel_Company
    From the wikipedia:


    Oboler met the demand by adopting an unusual scripting procedure: He would lie in bed at night, smoke cigarettes, and improvise into a Dictaphone, acting out every line of the play. In this way, he was able to complete a script quickly, sometimes in as little as 30 minutes, though he might take as long as three or four hours. In the morning, a stenographer would type up the recording for Oboler's revisions.



    I tell ya, dictation is the way to go for capturing one’s thoughts.

    This episode brought to you by Ironized Yeast tablets, for glorious pep and strength and needed pounds regained.


    #lightsout #diariespodcast #diariesvideo




    Mitchell

    · May 13, 2020 at 8:47 pm








    interesting and abstract I like it







    $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;



    tcr!
    · May 13, 2020 at 9:22 pm








    Thanks man! I like musical abstraction 😊







    $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;



    jimi hindrance experience
    · May 14, 2020 at 12:16 am








    When they say “you can’t get out here’…







    $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;



    tcr!
    · May 14, 2020 at 9:18 am








    The guy that wrote/performed the show was Arch Oboler. Laying in bed, smoking cigs, and writing Lights Out radio in his head. I can relate 😊







    $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;



    jimi hindrance experience
    · May 14, 2020 at 12:16 am








    What were you drinking?







    $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;



    jimi hindrance experience
    · May 14, 2020 at 12:16 am








    Brown liguid in clear cup.







    $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;



    jimi hindrance experience
    · May 14, 2020 at 4:25 pm








    No, serious, it didn’t look like coffee and I wondered if you drank cherry cokes or something.







    $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;



    tcr!
    · May 14, 2020 at 4:37 pm








    Oh… I thought you were talking about something in the audio. It’s just iced tea with sugar and spoon.







    $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;



    jimi hindrance experience
    · May 14, 2020 at 4:38 pm








    coolio







    $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;



    threecrates
    · May 14, 2020 at 12:11 pm








    Incredible! I love stuff like this. Perhaps we shall record something together someday.✌🏻❤️







    $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;



    tcr!
    · May 14, 2020 at 12:28 pm








    Send me some audio files (mp3s, wavs) and I’ll mix something up. It’ll be a covid quarantine collaboration! 🎼







    $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;


    Dusk Clan

    • video
    Proof would kill me (MP4 Video)

    Proof would kill me (MP4 Video)

    content: Sep 10, 2017 · podcast: May 11, 2020







    A year or so after I got divorced from my first wife one of our mutual friends said to me, “I’m so sorry that she cheated on you with John.”

    Now I always had a gut feeling about that but never knew for sure. Until then.

    The moment Heather said it I was just crushed. Even more so because I wasn’t really that close with her, she was just a friend in the restaurant Kathy and I both worked at. Heather had asked me a few minutes before how things were going after the divorce so her words didn’t come out of the blue. But the confirmation was still a stab, twist, gouge to my soul. And then she felt really bad because it was obvious I didn’t know.




    And then I wondered how many other people knew. It’s one thing to have close friends know about your heart breaks and betrayals but it’s a whole new level of embarrassment when people from outside your inner circle get privy to things like that.

    Jobs and co-workers, well, we know a lot about each other because we spend so much of our lives together. It can almost feel like high school with the secrets and the gossip. Heather was a good person though and she only said something because she cared. My other close friends at work, I wondered how many of them knew and simply didn’t say anything.


    Kathy and I met in that restaurant. We were both really young. I think she was 19 and I was 21. We were just a step beyond high school really.

    And there was this guy named John that used to come and sit at the counter, drink his coffee, and eat or whatever. Gab with all the servers and the like. I may have had a twinge of jealously because I was 21 and he was in his late 20s or early 30s, a full grown man with a career and house and muscles and all that. But it never really bothered me because he talked to everybody and not just Kathy. I never saw them interact in a way that was different than how he interacted with everybody else.

    But one time I came around the corner and I saw John and Kathy together by the front door. He was turning to go and they’re holding hands with their arms reached out as if he’s leaving and this is a good bye, a longing farewell. And it’s very romantic between them, with him going and her not wanting him to. The look on his face and from what I could see, the look on hers was a love between them that I had thought she only had for me.

    And in that instant I knew it was something more than just chitchat between them. In that moment I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. One of the ones where I was paralyzed with fear, unable to move, heart thumping so loud I could hear it in my ears. The world had just came down and crushed me with a truth I was oblivious to. The unseen things from left field, the ones I didn’t see coming, those always did the most damage. There’s no way to brace ourselves for the surprises that change everything.

    Anyways, John probably saw me out of the corner of his eye but he turned and left and Kathy walked away in another direction.

    What I did was shutdown. On her. For the rest of the time we were together. We got married later even though I had completely detached myself.

    It wasn’t fear of rejection or abandonment that stopped me from doing something as I’d had plenty of both from the time I was nine. What it came down to was that I didn’t know how to be assertive, to stand up for myself. I’d never broken up with a girlfriend before. Never had been as close with one either. I didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to take care of myself on an important emotional level.

    Bad shit had happened my whole life and this was just more bad shit happening. And I knew how to pretend like bad shit didn’t happen. Childhood stuff can f**k you up for a long time.

    Anyways, that whole romantic scene between John

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