107 episodes

All the problems in the universe, in descending order.

The Biggest Problem in the Universe Maddox, Dick Masterson

    • Comedy
    • 4.2, 94 Ratings

All the problems in the universe, in descending order.

    Episode 107

    Episode 107

    The End of Shows
    646




    See All the Problems...



    Well this is it, what may end up being the biggest problem in the history of this show, the problem nobody wanted or saw coming: the end of shows. Sometimes shows run their course, and this is one of those times. After 107 consecutive episodes, this will be the final show for The Biggest Problem in the Universe. When we took a break 2 weeks ago, I had every intention of coming back to regular episodes today. Unfortunately that can’t happen, but we’re going out with something a lot of fans have requested for a long time: the full intro song at the end of this episode.
    Also, we have a brief cap at the top of the show with the ever-boisterous coconut, Asterios. The final episode includes a problem from the most-downloaded episode in the show’s history: Well-Intentioned Idiots, and a fan-favorite guest, Ryan Holiday. We go over the final tally of problems and solutions and reminisce about the show. When I first started this show, I created it as an experiment to see if people would vote on these problems week after week. It turned out to be wildly successful and highly scientific, so it’s an element I’d like to continue in other podcasts I work on. And speaking of…
    This goodbye is only temporary because the new podcast and the new podcast network is still launching within the next two weeks. I’ll be posting about it on Facebook, Twitter and the site that started it all, The Best Page in the Universe. If you’d like to call in and leave a voicemail or song for the new show to speculate what it’s about or to simply ask life-advice, the new number is: 1-562-58-I-RULE (1-562-584-7853)
    Special thanks to all of the guests, callers, people who sent in gifts, fans who came out to the live shows, people who bought me drinks and all of the contributors and people who work behind the scenes to make this podcast possible, including producer Randy, Sean the audio engineer, assistant Jessica, Laurie Foster and Megan Pennock. This show wouldn’t be possible without you.
    One final shout-out to Harry’s for supporting this show over the years. Go to Harrys.com/BIGGESTPROBLEMS and use the promo code, BIGGESTPROBLEMS, to get $5 off your first purchase. It’s been a genuine pleasure working with these guys.
    And finally, a very special thanks to me for tirelessly putting in 10-12 hours per episode for over 2 years, without a single break. You’re welcome.
    So long for now, it’s been a hell of a ride.
    Lots more to come.
    Here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners:

    The post Episode 107 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.
    The post Episode 107 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.

    • 1 hr 29 min
    Episode 106

    Episode 106

    Episode 106 Transcript cobbled together by Laurie Foster



    Self-Defeating Thoughts
    3383




    Toms Shoes
    3212




    Hoverboard Hoaxes
    1734




    See All the Problems...



    Here’s our second best-of episode where we play the first-ever “Weird Matthew McConaughey” voicemail before we gave him the moniker, a classic Bono phone call and the origin of the “go f**k yourself” tag that started from a pattern of disparate comments and voicemail we received.
    Dick starts us out with Hoverboard Hoaxes and bemoans the lack of boards that hover without the aid of wheels or superconducting rails or weird vacuum contraptions, and I discuss my master plan for stealing the crown jewels. Everyone on the show agrees that it’s brilliant and it was never discussed again.
    Then I talk about the problem I’ve received the most email about in this show’s history: self-defeating thoughts. This one hit close to home for a lot of listeners and I felt that it was worth including in a “best-of.” If you disagree, you might want to check yourself because that’s a self-defeating thought.
    Then Asterios rounds out the third problem with Toms Shoes and faux-altruism. Say that last word out loud to appreciate that brilliant portmanteau I created. And stay tuned to the end to hear one of our favorite fan songs by @BandWagonBedlam called, “Too Much Swearing,” a reference to an earlier problem Dick brought in of the same name.
    And for the curious, the bonus episode referred to in the promo was Bonus Episode 3.
    Here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners:

    The post Episode 106 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.
    The post Episode 106 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.

    • 1 hr 5 min
    Episode 105

    Episode 105

    Episode 105 Transcript cobbled together by Laurie Foster



    Loud Muffler Douchebags
    4168




    Bro-Downs
    2759




    Stonewalling Vegans
    2524




    See All the Problems...



    Here’s our first-ever “Best-Of” episode, which after putting it together, may actually be the best episode of this show we’ve ever made. But so is every show we record. This episode has us spanning the gamut from douchebags, from the ones so loud you can hear them in your home when they drive by, to another kind of douchebag: the party bro and the ensuing nipple-fencing that occurs every time they feel remotely slighted.
    Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harrys.com/BIGGESTPROBLEMS and use the promo code, BIGGESTPROBLEMS, to get $5 off your first purchase.
    And we round things out with the douchebag theme with the saggiest of bags of douche: the stonewalling vegan. A statistically rare creature, as vegans represent only 0.5% of the US population, they make up over 90% of the crying you hear when you go to restaurants. We all know one, because they won’t stop talking about their stupid extreme diets. They’re like a good-time wrecking ball that can destroy the most meticulous of dinner plans. They can’t just go to a social gathering, order something and shut their grass-eating holes because they have the constant need to soak up every last ounce of attention and make the night about them and their needs.
    Vegans, for being such allegedly thoughtful and compassionate people, don’t care about the suffering their friends, families and colleagues constantly endure at the behest of the arbitrary dietary restrictions. Arbitrary in the sense that nobody who lives in modern society is truly vegan, because emulsifiers that come from beef are used in almost everything we manufacture, from shampoos and paints, to the plastic used in the very keyboards they use to type out their whiny guilt-tripping screeds. Their diets kill billions of animals in harvesters, but they brush it off by saying it’s “unintentional.” Cool, I guess by that logic we should let drunk drivers off the hook too.
    Maybe both problems can be solved by having an Uber-like service where all the drivers are drunk and they only pick up vegans. Possible Biggest Solution…?
    Here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners:

    Sources:
    VegetarianTimes – Vegans represent 0.5% of the US, that’s approximately 1-million loud-ass whiners
    Thumbnail Sources:
    Car, Court, Rims, Pipe
    Original thumbnail courtesy of Jack Tubbs
    The post Episode 105 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.
    The post Episode 105 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.

    • 1 hr 6 min
    Episode 104

    Episode 104

    Episode 104 Transcript courtesy of Megan Pennock and Laurie F.



    Tipping
    786




    Bureaucracy
    741




    Post-Credit Scenes
    81




    See All the Problems...



    We open this week’s show with discussing the social media meltdown revolving around the word “cuck.” Over the weekend I made a simple meme that made fun of both major political candidates, as they’re both as likeable as a shot of bleach. Guess which side had a COMPLETE MELTDOWN? Turns out that these people, for all their bloviating about PC culture being too sensitive, are quite sensitive! Want to reproduce my results? Just follow these simple steps:
    1. Make an innocuous joke like this:

    2. Sit back and enjoy the overly-sensitive, crybaby dipshits try to insult you with the only word in their vocabulary: “cuck.” Here’s an example from a more advanced writer, notice the conjunction of the word “cuck” and “master” to create the compound word, “cuckmaster”? Pretty clever. This writer even manages to use 3 other words:

    So I made this video in response, and the cry-babies proved my point that they’re overly sensitive and thin-skinned by expressing their outrage. Just look at the votes/comments:

    Dick tries to explain the old Shakespearean meaning of the word, which is essentially putting other’s interest before your own. Others have pointed out that this manifests itself in the phenomenon of raising another man’s offspring. Oh man, how embarrassing! I can think of nothing more insulting in this world than someone who would either A) get off to watching other people having sex or B) would want to actually raise a child they didn’t father/mother. Look at these suckers getting cuckolded!

    Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harrys.com/BIGGESTPROBLEMS and use the promo code, BIGGESTPROBLEMS, to get $5 off your first purchase.
    Big announcement this episode: we’ll be taking the next two weeks off so I can take time to focus on launching the new podcast and network. More details soon. But I won’t leave you hanging, as we’ll have best-of episodes in its place, with mix-and-match problems. Sound off below about your favorites. We’ll be back to live episodes on May 30th. And for those who still want a little extra to tide you over, here’s this month’s bonus episode if you haven’t checked it out, available for $1.33!
    Dick starts us off this week with his problem, which is a big one in my opinion: tipping. It’s a phenomenon that most people outside the United States aren’t familiar with, as it’s virtually unheard of in most of Europe, Asia and the Middle East. It puts you, the customer, in the position of also being the server’s manager. You can’t sit down and just enjoy your meal because you have to constantly be evaluating your server’s performance. It’s like becoming a temporary HR manager every time you get a sandwich at a restaurant: fun for no one.
    Then I bring in a problem that’s as cumbersome to spell as it is to abide: Bureaucracy. It’s in every facet of our lives, from phone companies, computer companies, cable companies, appliance companies, plumbers, electricians, power companies, gas utilities, the water company, garbage collectors, debt collectors, banks, universities, government, home owner’s associations, game tournaments and church. Everywhere we go in life, there’s needless and unwieldy procedures that people follow to a T. Every time you call tech support, you have to deal with a long list of touch or voice options, then you deal with a rep who makes you repeat their steps in the same order every single time. There’s no deviation from the script, no room for efficiency. Just needless and rote adherence to procedure. Vote up Human Robots!
    Then Dick caps the episode with an episode-capper, post-credit scenes. He hates them because[...]

    • 1 hr 29 min
    Episode 103

    Episode 103

    Episode 103 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster



    Humorless Stupid People
    826




    The Texting Batter's Box
    332




    Voicemail
    183




    See All the Problems...



    We start out this show with voicemail like usual, which conveniently leads us to the first problem–and definitely a problem of the first-world order: voicemail. It’s obnoxious and the ones we play on the show are only a small fraction of the voicemail we receive. Maybe we’ll make a supercut of voicemail that didn’t make the show some day. We’ll call it, “melatonin.”
    Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harrys.com/BIGGESTPROBLEMS and use the promo code, BIGGESTPROBLEMS, to get $5 off your first purchase.
    Our guest, Michael Capes, joins us this week. For those of you who may not know, Michael is the purveyor of a lot of pranks and shenanigans, including his famous sneaking-into-Disney prank. He brings in “Humorless People.” If my intro paragraph pissed you off, you may be part of the problem. Michael talks about all the hurt butts in the comments section on Yahoo, YouTube and other online forums. I wonder if the comments on this site count? Only one way to tell: I’ll mention Trump and take shelter in my tear-proof bunker made out of bags of sand. Actual bags of sand, or boobs, I’m fine with either.
    And speaking of humorless comments, here’s the video I appeared in with Michael where we snuck into a night club with a crack team, ala Ocean’s 11 or 12. There are some real gems here:

    Also, special thanks to Casper for sponsoring this episode. Go to https://casper.com/biggest and use the promo code “biggest” to get $50 off, or don’t to pay $50 more. Isn’t it about time you upgraded your sleep game? Thank you to Casper and Harry’s for supporting us.
    And here’s one of the episodes of “What To Text” we shot together:

    Finally Dick rounds out this episode with the “texting batter’s box,” but not before we argue about what a baby is. Turns out, nobody knows. As for the texting batter’s box, it’s a concept Dick has referred to in the past, but finally brought it in as a problem: texting as an extra base when it comes to sex. First base, as everyone knows, is making out. Second base is hands below the waist, or handy-town. Third is when things get a little more scandalous when mouths go below the waist, and a home run is when you score. So what’s the texting batter’s box? According to Dick, an extra step before you even step up to bat. A step that Dick argues is a potential stumbling-block, where not batting correctly could mean you don’t even step up to the plate. Is that how it works? I don’t know, I don’t watch baseball because I don’t hate myself.
    And finally, because people are asking, I’ll announce more details about the new podcast along with the network soon. Stay tuned…
    Here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners:

    Thumbnail by Eliazar Tatar
    Thumbnail Sources:
    Answering Machine, Counter
    The post Episode 103 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.
    The post Episode 103 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.

    • 1 hr 20 min
    Episode 102

    Episode 102

    In this exciting episode, Maddox gets chewed out by a real Pokemon master, Sean deletes a coffee, and I forget to read an erotic story that's so good, you need a week to prepare for it. So wash the chili off of your sheets and get ready for another Biggest Problem in the Universe.
    Do you have kids? If you do, chances are you're doing it wrong, and we'll tell you exactly how. Maddox brings Helicopter Parenting, the phenomenon of over-parenting your children, thereby stunting their growth and leaving them unable to cope with life as adults. Did your mom do your laundry? Then she probably turned you into an entitled, narcissistic, additional buzzword about millennials, who can't even poop without looking up how to do it on YouTube first. Who do these helicopter parents think they are? Do they think they live in a world where more than 15% of children are victims of sexual assault? They are and they do. Go vote up first time child experts.
    I bring in The Job Lynch Mob. It's one part thought-crime, another part outrage porn, shaken not stirred by ten thousand loudmouths with too much time and too little control in their hands. To listeners, I ask the question: can you think of a tweet that's so offensive it should cost someone their job? You personally. If you can, vote it down. To me, opinions are like buttholes. I want a good, long look at all of them--especially the gross ones.
    Maddox ends the episode with another kind of hovering annoyance: Mosquitos. Easily the biggest problem on this list, mosquitoes are responsible for hundreds of thousands of deaths every year, the spread of dangerous diseases, and worst of all, waking me up buzzing in my ear like they own the place. Maddox claims we have the technology to end this menace once and for all, but it's being waylaid by something called "ethics". Go vote those up.
    The post Episode 102 appeared first on The Biggest Problem in the Universe.

    • 1 hr 31 min

Customer Reviews

4.2 out of 5
94 Ratings

94 Ratings

Jack Ghareeb ,

OPEN YOUR EYES

GO LISTEN TO THE UNCUCKED VERSION. Big difference.

WashAwayTheWeak ,

Maddox

Lost

DragonSkitters ,

Again, the best podcast in the universe

I listen to this while I work out every day it’s really good. Sad that it ended and I only have 107 to go through. I’d watch Whang’s video on the hijacked iTunes feed for the show to see a different look on the podcast as you watch.

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