The BTR.ORG Podcast - Betrayal Trauma Recovery Anne Blythe

Google "Reunification Therapy" and you'll see corruption at work - because Reunification Therapy is anything but healthy and safe.



Tina Swithin from One Mom's Battle is on the BTR.ORG Podcast to tell you what you need to know about Reunification Therapy. Tune in and read the full transcript below for more.

Reunification Therapy Disempowers Children

Therapy should, first and foremost, empower children. Reunification therapy does the exact opposite:

"[The abused children] are told that nothing in the past matters. We are only focused on here and now and future movement. And then when the kids bring up, but he did this to me or this, they redirect them back to present day. The past does not matter. And we are talking about children who have been sexually abused."



Tina Swithin, One Mom's Battle

Reunification Therapy is Traumatizing

"In cases where there is abuse, this is further traumatizing these children. When these children are not complying or going along with the program, then the extreme situation would be for the reunification therapist to stamp off on the case and recommend reunification camp. That's a very extreme and further traumatizing direction that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I'm haunted by the stories that I hear."



Tina Swithin, One Mom's Battle

Children who are subjected to reunification therapy are re-abused by the "professionals" who are trying to gaslight them into blaming their protective parent for the negative feelings they have for the abuser.

How Do Reunification Therapies and Camps Traumatize Children?

Not only are the children traumatized by the gaslighting itself, but children are:



* Often forced into participation against their will.

* Accused of lying about the abuse.

* Forced to spend time with their abuser.

* Isolated from their protective/preferred parent.



"It is traumatizing for these kids - they are cut off from all contact with their preferred parent."



Tina Swithin, One Mom's Battle

Abusers Weaponize Reunification Therapy

Considering how harmful Reunification Therapy is, how can it possibly exist? 



It's a "lucrative cottage industry" that abusers have weaponized in order to gain access to their child victims while causing inexpressible pain to the protective parent.



And those in the reunification industry continue to push for it because it lines their pockets.

"[Reunification therapy] is a lucrative cottage industry.



And so when the judge's calendars are overbooked and people are being forced through this system like cattle, and the judges are in this state of overwhelm, they almost have, I call it the a la carte menu on their desk: oh great, I can push this case off on this person who has the ability to dive in and investigate what's going on. But that person is financially motivated to label a parent as alienator."



Tina Swithin, One Mom's Battle

BTR.ORG Is Here For You

If you are in experiencing the trauma of the family court system, please attend a BTR.ORG Group Session today - you are not alone and you do not have to endure this on your own. We love you, we believe you.

Full Transcript:

Anne (00:00):

Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. I have a super special guest on today's episode. It's Tina Swithin and so many of you are familiar with her. She is the author of Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom's Battle, one of the best selling divorce books of all time. She has also authored three additional books in the Divorcing A Narcissist series: a href="http://www.btr.

Have you found yourself wishing that your husband would just hit you so that you had "enough" justification to leave?



Many women in the BTR.ORG Community have asked: Is it okay to divorce if I'm not sure it's abuse?



Sarah McDugal is back on the BTR.ORG Podcast answering this question - and - short answer - definitive proof and physical violence are NOT necessary for women to seek safety. Women can trust themselves and move toward safety regardless of society's misogynistic standards. Read the full transcript below and listen to the BTR.ORG Podcast for more.

"I'm Not Sure If It's Abuse - Can I Still Leave?"

"You actually don't have to assess, 'Is it abuse?' Even if it's not abuse, you could still say, 'This isn't for me.'"



Anne Blythe, BTR.ORG Founder

Many women find themselves stuck in a space where they have difficulty defining their relationship as "abusive" because the abuser is covert, and careful to use gaslighting and other manipulative tactics to cause the victim to doubt herself.



And in a society where women have to defend their choices to separate in order to receive the support of family, friends, clergy, and community, many women want the clarity of knowing for sure if the relationship was actually abusive.



Anne's advice? Worry less about defining the relationship as abusive, and simply move toward safety. As you gain proximity from the abuser, you'll be able to see the relationship and the abuser more clearly - and more easily understand the abuse.

"Is It Abuse if My Husband Doesn't Know He's Doing It?"

Many women who are on their journeys to safety find difficulty letting go of the worry that their abuser is unaware or somehow not responsible for his abusive behavior.



Many abusers blame their abusiveness on:



* Childhood trauma

* Their parents

* Past girlfriends/wives

* Mental illness

* Alcohol addiction



Rather than taking responsibility for their actions and holding themselves accountable, abusers choose to assign the accountability to others. Many people experience childhood trauma, poor parenting, harmful relationships, mental illness, and alcoholism - and don't abuse others. 



As to the abuser not being aware? Sarah explains:

"It doesn't have to be identified as overtly intentional to be abuse."



Sarah McDugal, author

The abuser may not be calculating every abusive maneuver he takes - but your safety, rather than his level of intention, needs to be the priority.

BTR.ORG Is Here For You

At BTR.ORG, we understand how difficult it is to let go of the hope that he may change and move toward safety without definitive proof. Wherever you are in your healing journey, we are here for you. Attend a BTR.ORG Group Session today.

Full Transcript:

Anne (00:00):

Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. I have Sarah McDugal back on today's episode. We ended last week with her talking about how it would be great for men to be able to have a good relationship with their children. Of course, abusive men do not have that ability and later she's gonna go over all of the flags of abuse. You can go to her website, it's called Is This Abuse? And it's an awesome chart and it has tons of information, videos and stuff, to help you understand what is abuse. So Sarah's gonna talk about that today. We're gonna just jump right in with her talking about how it would be healthy for children and healthy men to be more involved with childcare.

Start With the Ideal Partnership as a Baseline

When your husband doesn't help with housework, takes a backseat to parenting (except to yell at and control the children), and controls the finances (despite the fact that you contribute financially to the family, whether by your income or the labor that you offer to keep the family comfortable), you may be experiencing coercive control.



Sarah McDugal is on the podcast with Anne, and together they're breaking down what equality actually means in a partnership. Tune in to the BTR.ORG Podcast and read the full transcript below for more.

Equality Means That Both Partners Contribute to Domestic Labor Tasks

In many abusive marriages, women do the majority, if not all, of the housework.



Abusive men feel entitled to a home life where they are served by their wife and children. They choose to see women as subservient - and may back this entitlement up with:



* Spiritual abuse, citing misogynistic scripture.

* Their income, stating that because they make money, they shouldn't have to do housework.

* Weaponized incompetence, claiming that they don't know how, or were never taught, how to do domestic labor, such as dishes or mopping.

* "Benevolent patriarchy," which is similar to weaponized incompetence. Abusers may use manipulative praise to convince the victim that since she is better at domestic labor, she should be the one doing it.



When Your Husband Doesn't Help With Housework, You Don't Have to Internalize the Misogyny

It is very easy to internalize the abuser's narrative when he tries to convince you that he's right and that everyone agrees with him that it's your job to the majority of the household tasks.



This is misogyny, and it's not your responsibility to internalize it.



Rather than accept the abuser's narrative, you can set and live by safety boundaries to separate yourself from the abuser's harm.

How is Housework Handled in Healthy Relationships?

"Each partner is using whatever power they do have for the betterment, the protection and the uplifting of the other partner and of the home and family as a whole."



Sarah McDugal, author

Healthy men are equally involved in household labor.



In healthy relationships, couples divide household labor according to what they're interested in, what works with each individual schedule, and what needs to get done.



Rather than assigning tasks based on traditional gender roles, couples take into account personal capacity and their individual talents. For example, if one spouse enjoys cooking, they may generally be in charge of preparing dinner, while the other spouse may usually take care of yard work. Spouses may take turns cleaning bathrooms, or clean them together on Saturdays.



Ultimately, couples work together to make sure that household tasks are completed, without competing and comparing who has the heavier load. Couples in healthy relationships trust each other and know that neither spouse will experience burn-out because they can communicate and care for each other.





BTR.ORG Is Here For You

Abusive relationships drain victims of emotional and physical energy. You deserve validation, support, and compassion. Attend a BTR.ORG Group Session today.







Full Transcript:

Anne (00:00):

Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. On today's episode, we have, my dear, dear friend Sarah McDugal. You can find her on Facebook. I love Sarah, she's been on...

Psychological abusers are masters of underscoring the affects of psychological abuse and conditioning victims to wonder if they're even victims at all.



Christine, a member of the BTR.ORG community, is on the podcast with Anne, answering the question:



How Does Psychological Abuse Affect You?



Tune in to the BTR.ORG podcast and read the full transcript below for more.

Psychological Abuse Can Affect Your Physical Health

In the BTR.ORG community, many women experienced negative consequences to their physical health as a result of psychological abuse, including Christine:

"My body and my health have suffered so extremely because of the length of time that I sat in this abuse."



- Christine, BTR.ORG Community Member

Victims of psychological abuse may experience:



* Brain fog

* Sleep issues

* Digestive issues

* Chronic pain

* Autoimmune disorders

* Pelvic pain

* Nightmares

* Headaches

* Poor immune function



Psychological Abuse Can Take a Toll On Your Mental Health

Victims of psychological abuse in our community have also reported that psychological abuse takes a significant toll on their mental health, causing them to experience:



* Depression

* Anxiety

* Apathy

* Eating disorders

* Obsessive thoughts

* Religious scrupulosity

* Terror

* Panic attacks



Psychological Abuse is Deeply Painful

Victims of psychological abuse face the societal obstacle of not having any bruises to show how deeply they are wounded by the abuse; however, victims like Christine describe psychological abuse as:

"Torment; just so, so deep and so continuous. I don't feel like people really understand the depth of the sorrow and pain and darkness. I very much felt like a prisoner of war. It very much felt like I was in a cold and dark and damp cell and I was crying and nobody could hear me. All of the incidents that would happen felt like my husband would drag me out of my cell and beat me again. It is so dark, it is so demonic, it's so evil. It's absolutely soul crushing."



- Christine, Member of the BTR.ORG Community

Find Support at BTR.ORG

If you are a victim of psychological abuse, or wonder if you may be a victim of psychological abuse, please attend a BTR.ORG Group Session as soon as possible. You deserve validation and support as you begin your journey to safety.

Full Transcript:

Anne (00:00):

Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. I have a member of our community on today's episode. We're going to call her Christine. She's a traveling nurse and the mother of five children. Her children range in age from four to 23 years old. She's been with her husband that she has now for seven years, and this is her third marriage. So we are going to learn about her story today. Welcome.



Christine (03:21):

Thank you. Thank you so much. I'm so glad to be here.



Anne (03:24):

We're happy to have you. You've been married three times. Would you describe all three of your marriages as abusive?



Christine (03:32):

Sadly yes, but I did not know that until going through this current marriage and all of the BTR resources. I did not realize they were abusive.



Anne (03:42):

For your first two where you got a divorce, looking back now like, "Oh, that's what the cause was.", you didn't know until BTR.

"It's Been Some Freedom, Being Able to Let That Go"

Christine (03:50):

That is true. With my first one, I was very young and he ended up just abandoning us. And so I always just thought I wasn't enough. I just wasn't enough to keep him happy.

Mothers of teenagers in the BTR.ORG community frequently ask, "How can I help my teen avoid abusive relationships?"



Lucy is on the BTR.ORG podcast, sharing her insights as a 19-year-old, new in the dating world, with a fresh perspective and helpful insights for mothers.



Tune in and read the full transcript below for more.

Help Teens Avoid Abuse by Identifying Red Flags

In this interview, Lucy shares her list of "red flags" that she made with the help of her mother.



You can help your teen avoid abusive relationships by having regular discussions about what red flags they can look out for in potential dating partners, and even taking it a step further by making a physical list that your teen can have in a journal or diary.



Some "Red Flags" you may want to discuss with your teen include:



* Coercion, including sexual coercion, that can include guilting, sulking, shaming, and subtly conditioning victims to participate in sexual activities.

* Manipulation, lying, and gaslighting.

* A preoccupation with their phone.

* Any degree of violence, including harming objects or animals.



Encourage Teens to Focus on Their Own Goals

Teens may find it easier to engage in healthy relationships when adults encourage them to focus on their own goals. Rather than spending time and energy seeking out dating opportunities, teens can use that time and energy to learn healthy habits and behaviors and develop a strong sense of self.

"I think it's much safer to just live your own life. I wanna say keep your head down and focused on your own goals, but hold your head up. Focus on your own goals."



- Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG

How to Help Abused Teens

If your teenager has experienced psychological and emotional abuse and sexual coercion, then it's time to step in and help them escape.



Where a crime has been committed, consider reporting to authorities.



Teens, like all victims of covert abuse and betrayal trauma, deserve to be validated, not blamed. Abuse is never the fault of the victim. Parents can help teen victims by:



* Helping them report crime.

* Developing a safety plan to make sure that the abuser no longer has access to them.

* Seeking professional help for the victim.

* Validating the victim's experience.

* Reassuring the victim that they are not at fault.

* Allowing the victim to talk openly about their experience, without judgement or blame.



BTR.ORG Is Here For You

At BTR.ORG, we know how difficult it can be to show up emotionally for your abused teen while also processing your own betrayal trauma. Our BTR.ORG Group Sessions are available to you. Please attend a session today.









Full Transcript:

Anne (00:00):

Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. I have Lucy on today's episode. She is a TikTok-er. You can find Lucy at Guru Lulu on TikTok. She is 19 years old. So Lucy's mom is really interested in betrayal trauma stuff and has been talking to her about this. And because Lucy is 19 and dating, she's been thinking about this in relation to her mother, and so I thought it might be fun to have a fellow TikTok-er on.



(03:26):

Again, she's at Guru Lulu and we are on TikTok as well. We don't often have 19 year old women on the podcast, so I'm happy to have her here. But we do have a lot of women who are in relationships that are emotionally and psychologically abusive and they are concerne...

You left your abusive husband, but new threatening, intimidating behaviors have cropped up. You may be wondering if you're experiencing post-separation abuse.



Laurel's on the podcast for the final installment of her story, answering the question: What Does Post-Separation Abuse Look Like? Tune in to the podcast and read the full transcript below for more.





Post-Separation Abuse Looks Like: Discovering More Financial Abuse

Often, victims discover even more financial abuse -



* Secret bank accounts

* Money spent on pornography or other secret sexual behaviors

* Withholding of money and other assets

* Withholding of financial information necessary for the divorce process



Breaking Into the House? That's Post-Separation Abuse

Abusers will often sneak into your car, garage, or home - regardless of the agreement that you have in place.



If you, like Laurel, notice items out of place or security systems having been toyed with, you may be in danger. It's important to consult your attorney and/or law enforcement if you believe that your abuser may be coming into your home or vehicle without your permission.

Harassment, Threats, Intimidation - That's Post-Separation Abuse

Abusers may send threatening emails, have you served publicly, or try to humiliate you by making a public scene. Here's Laurel's experience:

"[He was] sending intimidating emails and other things, nothing that anybody could point a finger at and say, oh, this is dangerous or this is aggressive, but all the things that were done that he knew would be frightening to me that no one could necessarily put a finger on."



Laurel, Member of the BTR.ORG Community

BTR.ORG Is Here For You

At BTR.ORG, we know how difficult it is to navigate post-separation abuse. You don't need to do this alone anymore. Please attend a Group Session today and find the validation that you deserve.

Full Transcript:

Anne (00:00):

Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. So the last three weeks, we've had Laurel, a member of our community on the podcast to share her story. In today's episode, we are going to listen to the rest of her story. So if you haven't listened to the episodes before, go back three episodes, listen to those and then join us here. In the last episode, we were talking about housework. Laurel mentioned that she has some physical limitations and that he would use those physical limitations against her rather than trying to help her. So we'll just jump in right there.

What was his reasoning for you doing more housework when you had this condition?



Laurel (03:37):

So, because I have an immune issue, I asked him when he came in from out in the community that he please just wash his hands so that I would be exposed to less germs ("Hey, when you come in the house, can you please just wash your hands?"). I mean, lots of people do that, especially during pandemic times. This was before that, but that's become a normal practice for a lot of people. But he believed, I'm doing the thing and I need to get this benefit that I want out of it. And the benefit that he thought he was entitled to was that I should do extra housework for him because he washed his hands.

"He Told Me My Intentions & Feelings"

Anne (04:17):

Wow, right. This is so hard for me to wash my hands that this makes up for me not doing the dishes or something,



Laurel (04:24):

Yeah, it was super weird, especially near the end.