The BTR.ORG Podcast - Betrayal Trauma Recovery Anne Blythe

When your husband doesn't help with housework, takes a backseat to parenting (except to yell at and control the children), and controls the finances (despite the fact that you contribute financially to the family, whether by your income or the labor that you offer to keep the family comfortable), you may be experiencing coercive control.



Sarah McDugal is on the podcast with Anne, and together they're breaking down what equality actually means in a partnership. Tune in to the BTR.ORG Podcast and read the full transcript below for more.

Equality Means That Both Partners Contribute to Domestic Labor Tasks

In many abusive marriages, women do the majority, if not all, of the housework.



Abusive men feel entitled to a home life where they are served by their wife and children. They choose to see women as subservient - and may back this entitlement up with:



* Spiritual abuse, citing misogynistic scripture.

* Their income, stating that because they make money, they shouldn't have to do housework.

* Weaponized incompetence, claiming that they don't know how, or were never taught, how to do domestic labor, such as dishes or mopping.

* "Benevolent patriarchy," which is similar to weaponized incompetence. Abusers may use manipulative praise to convince the victim that since she is better at domestic labor, she should be the one doing it.



When Your Husband Doesn't Help With Housework, You Don't Have to Internalize the Misogyny

It is very easy to internalize the abuser's narrative when he tries to convince you that he's right and that everyone agrees with him that it's your job to the majority of the household tasks.



This is misogyny, and it's not your responsibility to internalize it.



Rather than accept the abuser's narrative, you can set and live by safety boundaries to separate yourself from the abuser's harm.

How is Housework Handled in Healthy Relationships?

"Each partner is using whatever power they do have for the betterment, the protection and the uplifting of the other partner and of the home and family as a whole."



Sarah McDugal, author

Healthy men are equally involved in household labor.



In healthy relationships, couples divide household labor according to what they're interested in, what works with each individual schedule, and what needs to get done.



Rather than assigning tasks based on traditional gender roles, couples take into account personal capacity and their individual talents. For example, if one spouse enjoys cooking, they may generally be in charge of preparing dinner, while the other spouse may usually take care of yard work. Spouses may take turns cleaning bathrooms, or clean them together on Saturdays.



Ultimately, couples work together to make sure that household tasks are completed, without competing and comparing who has the heavier load. Couples in healthy relationships trust each other and know that neither spouse will experience burn-out because they can communicate and care for each other.





BTR.ORG Is Here For You

Abusive relationships drain victims of emotional and physical energy. You deserve validation, support, and compassion. Attend a BTR.ORG Group Session today.







Full Transcript:

Anne (00:00):

Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. On today's episode, we have, my dear, dear friend Sarah McDugal. You can find her on Facebook. I love Sarah, she's been on...

Psychological abusers are masters of underscoring the affects of psychological abuse and conditioning victims to wonder if they're even victims at all.



Christine, a member of the BTR.ORG community, is on the podcast with Anne, answering the question:



How Does Psychological Abuse Affect You?



Tune in to the BTR.ORG podcast and read the full transcript below for more.

Psychological Abuse Can Affect Your Physical Health

In the BTR.ORG community, many women experienced negative consequences to their physical health as a result of psychological abuse, including Christine:

"My body and my health have suffered so extremely because of the length of time that I sat in this abuse."



- Christine, BTR.ORG Community Member

Victims of psychological abuse may experience:



* Brain fog

* Sleep issues

* Digestive issues

* Chronic pain

* Autoimmune disorders

* Pelvic pain

* Nightmares

* Headaches

* Poor immune function



Psychological Abuse Can Take a Toll On Your Mental Health

Victims of psychological abuse in our community have also reported that psychological abuse takes a significant toll on their mental health, causing them to experience:



* Depression

* Anxiety

* Apathy

* Eating disorders

* Obsessive thoughts

* Religious scrupulosity

* Terror

* Panic attacks



Psychological Abuse is Deeply Painful

Victims of psychological abuse face the societal obstacle of not having any bruises to show how deeply they are wounded by the abuse; however, victims like Christine describe psychological abuse as:

"Torment; just so, so deep and so continuous. I don't feel like people really understand the depth of the sorrow and pain and darkness. I very much felt like a prisoner of war. It very much felt like I was in a cold and dark and damp cell and I was crying and nobody could hear me. All of the incidents that would happen felt like my husband would drag me out of my cell and beat me again. It is so dark, it is so demonic, it's so evil. It's absolutely soul crushing."



- Christine, Member of the BTR.ORG Community

Find Support at BTR.ORG

If you are a victim of psychological abuse, or wonder if you may be a victim of psychological abuse, please attend a BTR.ORG Group Session as soon as possible. You deserve validation and support as you begin your journey to safety.

Full Transcript:

Anne (00:00):

Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. I have a member of our community on today's episode. We're going to call her Christine. She's a traveling nurse and the mother of five children. Her children range in age from four to 23 years old. She's been with her husband that she has now for seven years, and this is her third marriage. So we are going to learn about her story today. Welcome.



Christine (03:21):

Thank you. Thank you so much. I'm so glad to be here.



Anne (03:24):

We're happy to have you. You've been married three times. Would you describe all three of your marriages as abusive?



Christine (03:32):

Sadly yes, but I did not know that until going through this current marriage and all of the BTR resources. I did not realize they were abusive.



Anne (03:42):

For your first two where you got a divorce, looking back now like, "Oh, that's what the cause was.", you didn't know until BTR.

"It's Been Some Freedom, Being Able to Let That Go"

Christine (03:50):

That is true. With my first one, I was very young and he ended up just abandoning us. And so I always just thought I wasn't enough. I just wasn't enough to keep him happy.

Mothers of teenagers in the BTR.ORG community frequently ask, "How can I help my teen avoid abusive relationships?"



Lucy is on the BTR.ORG podcast, sharing her insights as a 19-year-old, new in the dating world, with a fresh perspective and helpful insights for mothers.



Tune in and read the full transcript below for more.

Help Teens Avoid Abuse by Identifying Red Flags

In this interview, Lucy shares her list of "red flags" that she made with the help of her mother.



You can help your teen avoid abusive relationships by having regular discussions about what red flags they can look out for in potential dating partners, and even taking it a step further by making a physical list that your teen can have in a journal or diary.



Some "Red Flags" you may want to discuss with your teen include:



* Coercion, including sexual coercion, that can include guilting, sulking, shaming, and subtly conditioning victims to participate in sexual activities.

* Manipulation, lying, and gaslighting.

* A preoccupation with their phone.

* Any degree of violence, including harming objects or animals.



Encourage Teens to Focus on Their Own Goals

Teens may find it easier to engage in healthy relationships when adults encourage them to focus on their own goals. Rather than spending time and energy seeking out dating opportunities, teens can use that time and energy to learn healthy habits and behaviors and develop a strong sense of self.

"I think it's much safer to just live your own life. I wanna say keep your head down and focused on your own goals, but hold your head up. Focus on your own goals."



- Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG

How to Help Abused Teens

If your teenager has experienced psychological and emotional abuse and sexual coercion, then it's time to step in and help them escape.



Where a crime has been committed, consider reporting to authorities.



Teens, like all victims of covert abuse and betrayal trauma, deserve to be validated, not blamed. Abuse is never the fault of the victim. Parents can help teen victims by:



* Helping them report crime.

* Developing a safety plan to make sure that the abuser no longer has access to them.

* Seeking professional help for the victim.

* Validating the victim's experience.

* Reassuring the victim that they are not at fault.

* Allowing the victim to talk openly about their experience, without judgement or blame.



BTR.ORG Is Here For You

At BTR.ORG, we know how difficult it can be to show up emotionally for your abused teen while also processing your own betrayal trauma. Our BTR.ORG Group Sessions are available to you. Please attend a session today.









Full Transcript:

Anne (00:00):

Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. I have Lucy on today's episode. She is a TikTok-er. You can find Lucy at Guru Lulu on TikTok. She is 19 years old. So Lucy's mom is really interested in betrayal trauma stuff and has been talking to her about this. And because Lucy is 19 and dating, she's been thinking about this in relation to her mother, and so I thought it might be fun to have a fellow TikTok-er on.



(03:26):

Again, she's at Guru Lulu and we are on TikTok as well. We don't often have 19 year old women on the podcast, so I'm happy to have her here. But we do have a lot of women who are in relationships that are emotionally and psychologically abusive and they are concerne...

You left your abusive husband, but new threatening, intimidating behaviors have cropped up. You may be wondering if you're experiencing post-separation abuse.



Laurel's on the podcast for the final installment of her story, answering the question: What Does Post-Separation Abuse Look Like? Tune in to the podcast and read the full transcript below for more.





Post-Separation Abuse Looks Like: Discovering More Financial Abuse

Often, victims discover even more financial abuse -



* Secret bank accounts

* Money spent on pornography or other secret sexual behaviors

* Withholding of money and other assets

* Withholding of financial information necessary for the divorce process



Breaking Into the House? That's Post-Separation Abuse

Abusers will often sneak into your car, garage, or home - regardless of the agreement that you have in place.



If you, like Laurel, notice items out of place or security systems having been toyed with, you may be in danger. It's important to consult your attorney and/or law enforcement if you believe that your abuser may be coming into your home or vehicle without your permission.

Harassment, Threats, Intimidation - That's Post-Separation Abuse

Abusers may send threatening emails, have you served publicly, or try to humiliate you by making a public scene. Here's Laurel's experience:

"[He was] sending intimidating emails and other things, nothing that anybody could point a finger at and say, oh, this is dangerous or this is aggressive, but all the things that were done that he knew would be frightening to me that no one could necessarily put a finger on."



Laurel, Member of the BTR.ORG Community

BTR.ORG Is Here For You

At BTR.ORG, we know how difficult it is to navigate post-separation abuse. You don't need to do this alone anymore. Please attend a Group Session today and find the validation that you deserve.

Full Transcript:

Anne (00:00):

Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. So the last three weeks, we've had Laurel, a member of our community on the podcast to share her story. In today's episode, we are going to listen to the rest of her story. So if you haven't listened to the episodes before, go back three episodes, listen to those and then join us here. In the last episode, we were talking about housework. Laurel mentioned that she has some physical limitations and that he would use those physical limitations against her rather than trying to help her. So we'll just jump in right there.

What was his reasoning for you doing more housework when you had this condition?



Laurel (03:37):

So, because I have an immune issue, I asked him when he came in from out in the community that he please just wash his hands so that I would be exposed to less germs ("Hey, when you come in the house, can you please just wash your hands?"). I mean, lots of people do that, especially during pandemic times. This was before that, but that's become a normal practice for a lot of people. But he believed, I'm doing the thing and I need to get this benefit that I want out of it. And the benefit that he thought he was entitled to was that I should do extra housework for him because he washed his hands.

"He Told Me My Intentions & Feelings"

Anne (04:17):

Wow, right. This is so hard for me to wash my hands that this makes up for me not doing the dishes or something,



Laurel (04:24):

Yeah, it was super weird, especially near the end.

Chances are, you're familiar with the term "Gaslighting," but how do abusers actually gaslight you?



Laurel is sharing real-life examples on the BTR.ORG Podcast.



Tune in and read the full transcript below for more.

Abusers Gaslight Victims by Subtly Causing Them to Doubt Reality

Abusers use gaslighting to cause victims to question their own perception of reality.



One common tactic that abusers use is to covertly undermine what victims are good at, or what victims like about themselves.



In Laurel's case, the abuser wouldn't attend her work events or praise her art (which was both her profession and hobby). While he didn't necessarily say disparaging things about her work, his lack of praise and involvement in her work events caused her to, over time, begin to wonder if she actually had talent. Ultimately, Laurel found herself seeking validation from others because she couldn't decipher reality on her own:

"Because the gaslighting was so bad, I started asking a couple of other people, I said, this is what I've come to believe about my artistic work and I need to check in with you because you have hired me to do this and that. Is that what you think of my work?"



Laurel, Member of the BTR.ORG Community

Childhood Trauma? The Abuser Will Use It To Gaslight You

Laurel's abuser, like many other abusers, used her past childhood trauma, to gaslight her.

"He used my childhood abuse to make me believe that I was crazy, to make me believe that I was unstable, to make me believe that I just had problems with anxiety."



Laurel, Member of the BTR.ORG Community

When women try to communicate with the abuser and express that they feel unsafe with their husband's abusive behaviors, the abuser will use this gaslighting tactic - shifting the focus from their own abusive behavior to the victim's childhood. They may say things like:



* "You (the victim) are projecting your childhood trauma onto me. I've done nothing wrong."

* "You need therapy or this marriage isn't going to last."

* "You see abuse everywhere."

* "You hate men because of your abusive dad."

* "Your anxiety from the abuse in your childhood makes you extra sensitive. You need help."

* "Why didn't you work these issues out before we got married?"

* "I'm so tired of being the scapegoat for all of your mental issues."



Abusers Gaslight Victims With the "I Have Needs" Tactic

Often, abusers will gaslight victims into feeling that they aren't contributing enough to the household, either through labor or finances. They do this because they don't want to work and/or contribute financially, themselves.



Even when presented with logical evidence, such as spreadsheets that detail just how much work the victim is contributing the household, abusers will make nonsensical, but convincing arguments that STILL make the victim believe that she is lazy.



Toward the end of many covert-abusive relationships, many victims find themselves taking on the majority of the household tasks, childcare, and financial responsibilities in the home.



Abusers manage this level of manipulation by using the "I Have Needs" gaslighting tactic.



Their supposed "Needs" take precedence over:



* Facts (such as spreadsheets or other evidence that the victim may present to the abuser to prove that she is doing just as much if not more than the abuser)

* The rest of the family's legitimate needs

* Medical complications such as chronic illnesses, pregnancies, and disabilities that they make a heavier workload nearly impossible for the victim.



BTR.ORG Is Here For You

Have you held out hope that a pornography addiction recovery group would be the answer to your husband's abusive behaviors?



Laurel did too - until she, like many women in the BTR.ORG community, learned that "pornography addiction" wasn't the problem - abusive thinking was the problem. And that can't be cured by the "Pornography Addiction Recovery Industrial Complex." Tune in to the BTR.ORG podcast and read the full transcript below for more.

Pornography Addiction Recovery Groups Gaslight Victims

When pornography addiction recovery groups "treat" abusive men who secretly use pornography then gaslight their wives - well, they're enabling gaslighting while also gaslighting the victim.

"That's when I started to wake up about this reconciliation industrial complex as well, because they also minimized a lot of the behavior - they gaslit me."



Laurel, BTR.ORG Community member

Intimate betrayal through pornography use is abusive in and of itself; Porn Recovery groups often refuse to use the word "abuse" in reference to this behavior.



Further, the many behaviors that accompany secret pornography use, including: sexual coercion, gaslighting, manipulation, financial abuse, etc., are psychologically, emotionally, and sexually abusive - yet are generally not recognized or addressed by the "pornography addiction recovery complex" - and in fact are often minimized and excused as "addict behavior".

Do Pornography Addiction Recovery Groups Change Abusers?

Short answer, no.



The experiences of most women in our community is that pornography addiction recovery groups enable abusive behavior and blame victims for their husbands' abusiveness.



Laurel's experience was, sadly, not unique. Pornography addiction recovery groups told her:

"You need to work on your spiritual health. You need to work on your emotional attractiveness, your spiritual attractiveness, your physical attractiveness. You need to never hold him accountable. You don't wanna say anything that's gonna upset him or else it's your fault that he doesn't come home."



Laurel, BTR.ORG Community Member



BTR.ORG Is Here For You

Whether you've just discovered your husband's secret pornography use, or you've been in 12-step for years, trying to find the peace you deserve, you've come to the right place.



We believe you. We love you. You're not alone anymore.



Our Group Sessions can offer you support today. We'd love to see you in a session.

Full Transcript:

Anne (00:00):

Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. On today's episode, Laurel, a member of our community is sharing her story. We started with her story last week so that you can hear her entire story. If you didn't listen to last week's episode, listen to that first and then join us here. At the end of last week's episode, we talked about how she first discovered her husband's porn use. So we're jumping in right there after this discovery. What's the impact to your marriage at this point?

The Anger & Contempt Were Palpable During His Periods of Porn Use

Laurel (03:26):

Well, the porn thing came up on and off for years, and he would go through periods where it seemed like he wasn't using it and then he would start using it again and I'd find more stuff on the browser. Eventually I said, 'Look, you can't continue to use a computer that also belongs to me. You need to get your own laptop. If you need to do this from time to time, that's not okay with me. I still have a problem with it, and it still makes me feel terrible about myself as a wife and that I'm not good enough or something, but I can't put my own artistic work at risk. You need to have your own laptop.'