136 episodes

On a weekly basis, a group of friends watch a bad movie, talk about it, then choose what movie to watch the next week by following an actor from the previous movie. Every even numbered season is a themed season where we are only required to pick a movie of that theme, regardless of actors.

The Darkest Timeline Podcast Darkest Timeline Podcast

    • TV & Film
    • 3.8 • 5 Ratings

On a weekly basis, a group of friends watch a bad movie, talk about it, then choose what movie to watch the next week by following an actor from the previous movie. Every even numbered season is a themed season where we are only required to pick a movie of that theme, regardless of actors.

    0803 - The Three Musketeers - 1993

    0803 - The Three Musketeers - 1993

    Welcome to the third episode of the Personal Vault season of the podcast, where starting this week we're going "round-robin" to decide the movies, all of which weren't received well by critics, but were received well enough by us to end up in our personal movie collections. This week was Dylan's pick, which was the critically panned 1993 Disney edition of "The Three Musketeers. Like most Musketeer films, I'm not sure that Alexandre Dumas would have appreciated it that much. You'd have to read the book to understand. In any case, this film's all-star cast features the likes of Charlie Sheen, Kiefer Sutherland, Chris O'Donnell, Oliver Platt, Tim Curry, and Rebecca De Mornay. Now just try and tell me that's not a cast you can sink your teeth into. If that's a thing people say about film castsThe Three Musketeers cost an estimated $30 million to make, and only made back $53 million in the United States. I could find no international box office numbers, but I did find release dates, so I concluded that I just suck.Join us next week when we review 2003's "The Core".

    • 1 hr 3 min
    PE18 - No Holds Barred - 1989

    PE18 - No Holds Barred - 1989

    Welcome to the eighteenth Patron's Choice podcast from our Patreon. This episode was originally uploaded on Patreon in April 2018. As might be apparent, this episode originally aired during our wrestling season. It may have been the "final episode" of that season, but I really can't find it in me to look that deeply into this episode today. I believe that in this episode we describe the film as Vince McMahon's wet dream of how important he thinks the WWF/E was/is. Now, don't get me wrong, I love wrestling and WWE has been great at points, and to be fair this was during the "Golden Era", but I'm not sure how much that should count towards how good the film is. This film stars Hulk Hogan, Kurt Fuller, Joan Severance, and Tiny Lister. But let's be real, there is not a single star of this film.No Holds Barred had an estimated $8 million budget, and made back $16,093,651 in the United States, which I suppose is fine, but surely not what Vince wanted. There was mercifully no release outside the states.Join us next week for (finally) our Three Musketeers (1993) episode.

    • 1 hr 10 min
    PE17 - Norm of the North - 2016

    PE17 - Norm of the North - 2016

    Welcome to the seventeenth Patron's Choice Podcast from our Patreon. This episode was originally uploaded in March of 2018. It was an important podcast in that this is the first podcast with our current microphone setup that made everything sound better, and unimportant in that we hated this movie and got completely trashed as a result. Anyway, We watched 2016's Norm of the North, which was an incredibly preachy film about not building condos in the Arctic; which, if I'm not wrong, is in no way a problem, and probably never will be, at least until the temperature rises high enough for the Arctic to no longer be so arctic. Happy thoughts. This feel-good film starred Rob Schneider, Heather Graham, Ken Jeong, Colm Meaney, Loretta Devine, Gabriel Iglesias, Michael McElhatton, and Bill Nighy.Norm of the North cost a reported $18 million to make. In the United States, it made back roughly $17 million, and a further $13.4 million on the International scene, for a combined World Wide gross of $30.5 million. Mercifully; no sequel.Join us next week for 1994's "The Three Musketeers"!

    • 1 hr 10 min
    0802 - National Treasure Book of Secrets - 2007

    0802 - National Treasure Book of Secrets - 2007

    Welcome to the second episode of the Personal Vault season of the podcast, where we watch critically bad films that we paid good money for on our own time. We continued the magic of this season with the sequel to our previous movie. That's right, we watched the continuing magic and glory that is National Treasure: Book of Secrets (2007)! Admittedly, the National Treasure films are not the Cagiest Cage that has ever Caged. This is not a secret. However, National Treasure 2 has a Cagier Cage than the first film, at very least. All the main characters from the previous film came back for the second outing, but obviously, it adds some new names as well. All in all, this film stars Nicolas Cage, Diane Kruger, Justin Bartha, Jon Voight, Harvey Keitel, Ed Harris, Bruce Greenwood, and Helen Mirren.National Treasure: Book of Secrets cost a reported $130 million to make, and made nearly $220 million in the United States and $237 million everywhere else, for a worldwide total of $457 million. Better than the first. Good for them.Join us whenever we get around to uploading the next episode (very sorry) for, a Patreon episode, I think.

    • 57 min
    0801 - National Treasure - 2004

    0801 - National Treasure - 2004

    Welcome to the first episode of the Personal Vault season of the podcast, where we're going through our own movie collections this time to find poorly rated films we paid good money for on our own time. We started the season out with the joy and magic that is 2004's National Treasure. We actually hadn't decided to do the Vault season until well after we chose the first episode of this season, but of course, we already owned the film. There's nothing worse than watching a film you hate, and then force yourself to talk about it for an hour (Our lives have just been the worst lately), but I have a feeling this season is going to be nothing but joy. In any case, the film stars Nicolas Cage, Harvey Keitel, Jon Voight, Diane Kruger, Sean Bean, Justin Bartha, and Christopher Plummer.National Treasure had a reported budget of $100 million, made roughly $173 million in The States and roughly $174.6 million elsewhere in the world, for a worldwide total of $347,512,318. I'd say it did pretty well, all things considered.Join us next week as we continue in a natural way to National Treasure 2: The Book of Secrets. Who knew?

    • 54 min
    PE16 - Strange Magic - 2015

    PE16 - Strange Magic - 2015

    Welcome to the sixteenth Patron's Choice podcast from our Patreon. This episode originally aired on February 27th, 2018, and almost broke us as people, if I remember correctly. It was practically record-breaking, in that we almost turned it off after seven and a half minutes and watched "Smokey and the Bandit Part 3" instead. Alternatively, we almost just quit after seven and a half minutes and nearly did a podcast on just that much of the movie, but we decided against it, cause we didn't want to set a precedent of being able to quit. We're not quitters. The film starred Alan Cumming, Evan Rachel Wood, Kristin Chenoweth, Maya Rudolph, Alfred Molina, and Sam Palladio.Strange Magic cost an estimated $70 - $100 million dollars to make, and I just bet you can't guess if something George Lucas did in 2015 flopped or not. Of course, the answer is: it flopped hard. It only made $13.6 million worldwide and only a little over a single million of that was outside the United States.Join us next week as we start our next "normal" season with the Nick Cage classic, 2004's "National Treasure."

    • 1 hr 7 min

Customer Reviews

3.8 out of 5
5 Ratings

5 Ratings

Drakeman729 ,

I'm alive!

For the record Brett, I am alive! I am loving the series guys! Keep it up! Can't wait for A Good Day to Die Hard! For future reference, can we make movie requests in here? Or actors we want you to follow?

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