100 episodes

The Loveumentary is a podcast hellbent on ridding the world of mediocre love.

Episodes feature the world's leading love experts, researchers, authors, and therapists as well as deeply-satisfied and madly-in-love couples from all over the United States. They all share their secrets, insights, and wisdom with YOU so you can create passionate, long-lasting, fulfilling relationships.

I hope you take at least one thing from each episode and use it to transform your life. Never settle for mediocre love.

Growth Marriage Nate Bagley

    • Relationships

The Loveumentary is a podcast hellbent on ridding the world of mediocre love.

Episodes feature the world's leading love experts, researchers, authors, and therapists as well as deeply-satisfied and madly-in-love couples from all over the United States. They all share their secrets, insights, and wisdom with YOU so you can create passionate, long-lasting, fulfilling relationships.

I hope you take at least one thing from each episode and use it to transform your life. Never settle for mediocre love.

    Are You Actually Hurting Your Partner By Trying To Help?

    Are You Actually Hurting Your Partner By Trying To Help?

    I just got back from the gym. Today’s workout was TOUGH. My legs are wobbly. My lungs are burning. I have sweat dripping down my back. And I’m THIRSTY! Sometimes I forget my water bottle when I go to they gym. I leave feeling like my mouth is a desert and my tongue is sandpaper. Have you ever felt that way? It’s like the only thing you can think of is how and where you’ll get the next drink of water. It’s a normal problem to have. Now, let’s suppose you came home and you told your partner, “Holy smokes, I’m so thirsty!” Then your partner responds by turning on the garden hose full blast and spraying you in the face while saying, “You need more water! Open your mouth, dang it! I’m trying to help you!” As your partner borderline waterboards you, you get angry. You resist the water and think, “This is so not helping!” Or let’s suppose you walk in the door, completely dehydrated and your partner rolls their eyes, pours themselves a glass of ice cold water and drinks it in front of you. “If you drank more water like me, you wouldn’t be so thirsty. You always do this to yourself. You’re never drinking enough water. It’s no wonder you’re always so thirsty. Drinking water is easy if you just put your mind to it… see?  *gulp* AAAAAAAHHHHHH... Once again, not helpful. Not encouraging. This approach doesn’t help you feel less thirsty. It just makes you feel guilty… or that your partner is a jerk. Or what if you walk in the door 99.9% parched, and your partner has a tall pitcher of water in their hand, and an extra glass. You say, “Oh my gosh, that water looks amazing. I’m so thirsty.” And they respond, “You should be more prepared. You know after a workout you’ll be thirsty. Go find your own water. I’m sick of sharing mine with you.” They take a long draught while you lick your chapped lips. Ugh. These scenarios are making me even more thirsty! Here’s my point. Sometimes our partners suffer and struggle. They walk in the door and they hope for some relief. The way you offer your support or help them alleviate their suffering has a HUGE impact on the quality of your marriage. Sometimes rather than helping them get what they need, we turn on the firehose and overwhelm them with solutions. Before they even get a chance to express what they need, we’re slamming answers down their throats and emotionally suffocating them. Other times we punish them for struggling in the first place. We guilt them for allowing things to get to this point. We chastise them for not being smarter, or for not thinking ahead. We berate them for being thoughtless. And often times we become resentful. We abandon our partner to fend for themselves. We shut down. We create a barrier between us and our partner and leave them feeling lonely and overwhelmed in addition to “thirsty.” So what’s the alternative? How do you help your partner without making things worse? Here’s a great recipe: Step 1 - Be Empathetic Before you can help your partner solve a problem you must understand what the problem is and how they’re perceiving it. So, before you offer solutions ask questions like: This sounds really tough. How is this affecting you? What is your desired outcome? What have you tried? Then, listen for the answers. Repeat back what you hear so your partner knows you understand. Step 2 - Make an Offer Before just taking action, see if you can get your partner to ask for what would be the most helpful to them. Try some of these questions: Would you like some help?  What can I do that would be the most helpful? Will you ask me if you need anything? I’m here for you. Step 3 - Show Up The last step is possibly the most important step for building a trusting, committed relationship. Show up the way you commit to show up. This proves you’re a dependable, reliable partner. It creates a bond of safety

    • 9 min
    3 Reasons Why Marriage Therapy Doesn't Work

    3 Reasons Why Marriage Therapy Doesn't Work

    1. You don’t know how to find a good therapist When you’re struggling in life with your mental health, with past trauma, or in your relationships, it’s normal to hear the advice, “You should go talk to someone.” The implication is that a therapist - any therapist can help. But searching for a good therapist is a lot like searching for a good doctor. You want to find someone who knows what they’re talking about. You wouldn’t go see a foot doctor if you had a sore throat. You’d be much better off seeing an ear, nose and throat specialist. Both are doctors, but only one has the knowledge and skill set to help you! Therapists are very similar. The very best therapists have a specialty. They’ve devoted the majority of their career helping a specific type of person navigate a specific type of problem. Not all therapists have experience working with couples. And not all couples therapists have experience helping people navigate sex issues, or betrayal in the relationship, or the unique challenges that come when you become empty-nesters. It’s important for you to find someone who has some experience helping people through what you are currently dealing with. But more importantly… A good therapist is someone you can relate to. One of the number one determining factors of whether or not you’ll get results from seeing a therapist is whether or not you get along with your therapist. (It’s called “Client-Therapist Fit.”) It matters whether or not your therapist “gets” you! And if you’re a couple looking for a therapist, it’s important that your therapist “gets” BOTH of you. It might take some time and research to find the right “fit.” Which brings me to my next point... 2. Not all therapists are created equal Ever had a really bad haircut? I once had a barber who cut my hair while he had the hiccups… you can guess how that turned out. Or maybe you‘ve had a Jiffy Lube experience like mine where the technician completely forgot to put the oil cap back on after my oil change. Not all barbers (or hair stylists) are created equal.  Not all mechanics can be trusted to get the job done well. And not all therapists are good therapists. And not all therapists are honest therapists. Did you know a therapist doesn’t have to go through any formal training to call themselves a “couples therapist” or a “sex therapist”? There’s no title protection in the industry. So, it’s very possible that a therapist who spends the first 5 years of their career helping drug-addicted criminals as a Social Worker, or teenagers with eating disorders could wake up one morning and say, “You know what? I’m sick of this. I need a change. I’m going to start treating couples. I hear there’s good money in that.” Then they can get on their website, or their LinkedIn profile and update their title to “Couples Therapist,” and start seeing couples the next day. That’s shady. And it’s not uncommon. It’s important that you spend some time shopping around for a therapist before you commit to one. Try to get a handle on their education, how they’ve treated similar clients in the past.  Ask yourself if you could see yourself spending hours hanging out with this person. A great way to find a good therapist is to ask a friend for a referral. If they love their therapist, and you love your friend, there’s a high likelihood that you’ll love their therapist too. 3. People wait 6 years too long to find a therapist Research shows that the average couple waits 6 years after experiencing a marriage problem that makes them unhappy before they seek outside help. Six. Years. If you broke your leg would you wait 6 years before going to the doctor? If you answered yes, you deserve a spanking. That’s NOT something to be proud of. One of the biggest reasons marriage therapy doesn’t work for so many couples

    • 15 min
    Your Kid’s Pee Can Predict The Quality of Your Marriage

    Your Kid’s Pee Can Predict The Quality of Your Marriage

    Have you ever heard 3,000 people gasp at the same time? Back in September, I interviewed Drs. John and Julie Gottman in front of an audience of 3,000+ people. If you haven’t heard of them, what Michael Jordan is to basketball, they are to . About 30 minutes into the interview John Gottman dropped a serious truth bomb. Some new research he’s been doing has led to some findings that shocked the entire room. (.) John and his team were measuring stress hormones in the urine of young children. He found that kids with high levels of cortisol and adrenaline in their pee had parents that argued a lot. He then went on to explain that there’s research that shows that children as young as 3 months old experience higher blood pressure when their parents argue in front of them! “The kids are carrying around their parents’ conflict with one another.” If your marriage is struggling it literally HURTS your kids. Why do I share this with you? I promise I’m not trying to guilt you. I know that there's no such thing as a perfect marriage. Not even the Gottman’s have a perfect marriage. My hope in sharing this is to show you YOUR MARRIAGE ISN’T JUST ABOUT YOU! The quality of your marriage matters. It directly impacts the people around you more than you think! So, if your marriage is struggling… if you’re feeling lonely, resentful, or burned out… If you’re having regular arguments, you’re not affectionate towards each other, or you don’t feel like your marriage is THE priority to both you and your partner… It’s a BIG problem! I have no qualms in saying it's an emergency. If your marriage is not in a good place it is actively hurting you, hurting your partner, and it's hurting the people you love the most. That’s why I send out these emails! I want to show you the pathway to having a better marriage today than you did yesterday. Having an amazing marriage makes life so much better for everyone! I literally wake up every morning hoping to motivate you to treat your partner with more kindness and respect. To maintain healthy boundaries. To be the kind of partner that inspires the love of your life to be your best self. So take a few seconds right now (that’s all it takes) and think about your marriage. Is it as good as it could be? How could you make it better - like right now, today? If the emotions in your marriage right now were as contagious as the chicken pox, what would you be infecting the people around you with? Connection, purpose, respect, love, encouragement, and joy? Or something else like stress, anger, resentment, apathy, anger, or contempt…

    • 9 min
    The #1 Cause of Roommate Syndrome

    The #1 Cause of Roommate Syndrome

    Flinching is kind of a strange phenomenon.  It’s not something you consciously do. It’s an instinct. Your brain forces you to pull away from the thing that could cause you pain. A hot stove, a pointy needle, or a ball flying at your face… It doesn’t matter what it is, if your brain senses it as a threat that could hurt you, it will do its best to protect you. Now, here’s something most people don’t know. Physical pain and emotional pain… they’re processed in many of the same areas of the brain. And your brain tries to protect you from both! You’ve probably noticed the emotional flinch. You pull away from people when they say or do things that hurt your feelings, or make you feel bad. You create a safe, emotional buffer between you and them so that you can avoid getting hurt again. Sometimes you get hurt over and over by the same person. They may not be big hurts… But when you add up lots and lots of little emotional flinches caused by little hurts over a long period of time, you end up with a grand-canyon-sized chasm between you and the person inflicting the pain. Ever hear of roommate syndrome? Maybe you’ve heard people say, “We just grew apart.”? This is how that happens. The only way to prevent it is to constantly repair the damage you do to your partner. Especially the small things. When you accidentally step on someone's toes in a crowd, you don’t tell them to get over it. You simply say, “Ooops! I’m sorry!” Accidentally hurting your partner’s feelings is no different. Apologizing doesn’t mean saying you are malicious. It doesn’t mean you did anything on purpose. It doesn’t even mean you’re wrong!  Most of the time it’s about taking a little responsibility, and being willing to see things from their perspective. “I can see how my tone could have been hurtful.” “I totally get why you are upset that I didn’t come home on time.” “It makes sense why you’d be hurt by that comment, even though I definitely didn’t mean it to be hurtful. I’m sorry.” When you apologize to your partner for hurts that you cause them - whether intentional or unintentional - you are giving them the gift of emotional healing, and building trust and intimacy. If you’re feeling distant right now, maybe there are some things you need to apologize for. (Or things you need to forgive.) Try it out… see what a difference it makes.

    • 12 min
    Marriage: The ULTIMATE Infinite Game

    Marriage: The ULTIMATE Infinite Game

    I still remember the thrill of scoring my first soccer goal as a kid. I felt a rush of endorphins and surge of confidence (which I severely lacked as a kid) as my team rallied around me and cheered! I remember running down the field holding up 2 fingers. My parents were on their feet screaming at the top of their lungs. It was an amazing feeling. I was hooked. I loved every aspect of the game. I loved playing it, watching it, coaching it.  I even had a Brazil national team poster and a Mia Hamm door poster hanging up in my bedroom. I think everyone has a game they love… Is yours a sport like soccer, volleyball, or basketball. Maybe you’re a hardcore board-gamer and you like staying up late at night playing Canasta, Pandemic, or Settlers of Catan (outlawed in our house because it always ends in a fight). Maybe you love playing video games, and your schtick is Lego Harry Potter, or Call of Duty… or Fortnite? (Please don’t let it be Fortnite.) Whatever your game is, take a minute and think about why you love it so much. Is it because it’s a great distraction from the stresses you’ve got going on in your life? Maybe it’s a fun way to connect with the people you love? Or are you one of those super-competitive people (like my wife) who simply loves the feeling of crushing your opponents? Now for the weird transitional question…  What if marriage was your favorite game? If you’ve never thought of marriage as a game, you’re not alone. For most people, marriage feels like the complete opposite of a game… it feels like work. However, if you treat marriage like a game, it can change EVERYTHING for you. But you can’t play “marriage” like you play most of your favorite games. Winning at marriage requires you to shift your thinking. You see, there are two kinds of games: Finite games, and infinite games. Most of the games you know and love are finite games:  They have known players (the people sitting around the table, playing on the field, or holding a controller that’s plugged in (sorry little brothers around the world holding unplugged controllers, you’re not a real player.) They have unchangeable rules that everyone needs to play by or the game breaks  There is a clear end to the game, typically with a winner, and often… many losers.   If you play the marriage game under the conditions of a finite game, you will likely end up competing against your spouse, blaming them for your failures, or treating them like your adversary. (This is something competitive people are particularly susceptible to doing.)  This can lead to a marriage filled with resentment, loneliness, anger, and distrust. It might even result in divorce. If you want to play the marriage game successfully, you need to to approach it differently than you would a finite game.   You have to treat it like an infinite game:  In an infinite game, there are both known and unknown players The rules are flexible and can change at the players discretion  The objective of the game isn’t to “win” but to keep the game going - and make it so enjoyable for the other players that they want to perpetuate the game as well   The most important and meaningful games you will ever play in your life are infinite games, like parenting, friendship, business, and of course, marriage. If you can learn to succeed at playing an infinite game, it will bring you SO much more long-term satisfaction than winning any finite game. Succeeding at an infinite game means you’ve learned to cooperate with the other players to create an experience that everyone wants to participate in. And when you play the game together it gives you a sense of meaning, fulfillment, and joy. Better than the last game of Monopoly I played that made me want to flip the table and walk away. Here are some strategies to help you succeed at the infinite game of marriage: Have an In

    • 23 min
    The Epic Wives Experiment Details Revealed!

    The Epic Wives Experiment Details Revealed!

    Over the last few weeks I’ve been laying the groundwork for the Growth Ecosystem - the 3 fundamental principles you need to have in place to achieve your goals over the long-term, and experience explosive growth in your life (and in your marriage):   Have a goal that inspires and motivates you (just like plants strive towards the sun). Surround yourself with a supportive and nurturing community (just like plants use soil to hold them in place during rough weather). Develop a system of regular accountability you can rely on to facilitate your journey towards your goals (just like plants rely on a steady supply of water… or they die). After nearly a decade of interviewing, studying, and learning from the top marriage experts on the planet, the Growth Ecosystem is what I believe sets apart the most extraordinary marriages from the ones that fail. It’s not just about having a growth mindset! That’s only part of what you need to create a life you love. You are limited by your mindset if you don’t have an environment that will enable your growth. This idea of the Growth Ecosystem is at the foundation of everything I do here with the Growth Marriage. Every email send you, every course I create, every podcast episode I publish, every social media post I… uh… post…  It’s all in service to this mission: Can I help you get closer to the life and marriage you want? Can I provide you with an encouraging and supportive community? Can I help hold you accountable so you can accelerate your growth? So, here’s 2 weird things about me… I think about my death a lot. I’m weirdly altruistic At the end of my life, I want to be remembered for being the guy who helped people have amazing marriages. I want that to be my contribution to the world. My legacy. That’s it. It’s literally what I think about every single day. With that context in mind, today’s podcast episode is about something special that I’ve been working on for quite a while with my good friend, Laura Heck. It’s called the Epic Wives Experiment. Here’s why I’m excited about it. Laura and I talk to wives who feel overwhelmed, burned-out, and lonely nearly every day. Maybe you can relate? (I don’t know about you, but when I got married, that’s not what I hoped my marriage would feel like.) Ultimately, here’s what we want for wives: We want you to feel cherished, loved and adored by your husband We want you to carry less of the emotional and mental load in your marriage We also want your marriage to feel fun, exciting, and flirty again Does that sound good? That’s exactly why we created the Epic Wives Experiment. We see so many wives spinning their wheels, trying to get more done in less time, carrying the bulk of the responsibility for the quality of their relationship on their shoulders… and frankly, they end up burned-out, tired, and resentful. We don’t want that for you. Most women do one of two things when they’re feeling burned-out: Some women put on their super-hero cape and take on all the responsibilities they wish they had help with… even if it means sacrificing themselves in the process. Then they guiltily complain about a husband who isn’t pulling his weight. The other group of women completely shut down. They turn off the physical and emotional intimacy in their marriage so they have the energy to do everything else. They pretend nothing is wrong, and accept this intimacy-free version of life as normal. I don’t know about you, but neither of those options sounds very fun to me. So Laura and I have spent months creating an alternative. We’ve put together  a series of powerful experiments for you to conduct in your marriage that are designed to get you more love, connection, and support… all while putting in less time and effort. Regardless of whether you’ve been married for 7 months or 70 years, you’re

    • 23 min

Customer Reviews

Amalgamator ,

Nate is on fire!

I have followed Nate’s content for a few years - looks like he is stepping up his game big time. The content is super useful and I find myself actually re-listening and taking notes, which is rare for me. I love his message of being an action taker and not an insight chaser. Keep up the good work!

cj-20 ,

Love this!

Big fan of this podcast, I’ve learned so much and truly find it an inspiration for my own life. Great podcast for relationship advice for anyone, regardless of relationship status.

ZeroGeekSpeak ,

Very timely and effective

Just find this podcast and my wife and I have enjoyed the last couple of episodes. Looking forward to going back to past shows to build on this great start. Nate is a great listener and ask great questions.

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