The Save The Marriage Podcast Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Yes, this is the #1 thing people request in therapy. And no, fixing it will not fix your marriage.



This is part rant, part warning, and part explanation.  Because, communication skills has somehow become a central tenet of hurting marriages.  So, therapists teach them, clients request them, and marriages just don't get better.



When I was in training, this somehow became the default approach, even after all the theory and explanations of problems in a marriage.  Lots of very convoluted, confusing theories were proposed, and then, the treatment?



Teach communication skills!



Which is probably why marriage therapy has such abysmal results.  When you look at the actual research, 50% of marriages that seek therapy still end up divorced.  Pretty much the overall national average for any marriage.  And only 10 to 15% of couples report any improvement.  Let me say that again:  any improvement.



Why?  Well there are multiple issues (I discuss them right here) behind this.  But a big reason is this emphasis on communication skills.  And yet, when I am meeting with a couple, almost always, I understand everything they are saying.  And they seem to understand each other!  That is not the issue.



In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you why this isn't going to save your marriage, and how to make a shift to what can.



Listen below!



 



RELATED RESOURCES:

Podcast:  3 Problems with Therapy

Substack:  The Connection Compass

Program:  The Save The Marriage System

For awhile, I have been answering listener-submitted questions, and continue to do so in this episode (if YOU want to ask a question, send it to podcast@savethemarriage.com).



This week, I respond to a couple of questions about a spouse's indifference and/or resistance to attempts at connection.



It can be frustrating when you so desperately want to rebuild a marriage.  Maybe your spouse claims to want the same.  Maybe your spouse just doesn't respond much at all.  A little conversation... that goes nowhere.  Or attempts at conversation... that go nowhere.  It can feel frustrating and defeating.



How should you understand the situation?



What can you do about it?



Can you make progress?



We discuss these questions (and more) in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.



RELATED RESOURCES

3 Step Process

3 C's of Doing It

Importance of Connection

When Spouse Can't See A Way

Resentment and Anger

Save The Marriage System

The Connection Compass

Where could your efforts fail?



Those are the failpoints. They can trip you up and make you think nothing will work in your efforts.



But let me be clear.  They are potential failpoints. They are not inevitable.



Failpoints, in engineering, is caused by stress on a particular point. In machines, a particular piece is stressed long enough that it finally gives. It breaks.



In marriage, there are also potential failpoints -- caused by stressors on different points in the relationship.



In this episode, I cover the three big failpoints that you face in your efforts... along with me talking about how to avoid the failpoints.



 



RELATED RESOURCES

My new resource, The Connection Compass

My Save The Marriage System

Podcast episode: 3 Reasons Your Efforts May Fail

Podcast Episode: 4 Failing Fears



 

When I started this podcast over 10 years ago, I wondered how far we would go. Well, here we are on episode 500, with over 5.25 million downloads to far. And at the same time, I celebrate 58 years on earth. A couple of milestones I wanted to mark, for sure!



Which raises the question from a listener, on what I have learned in life. I’ll share 5 big things I’ve learned in my trips around the sun.



But before I get there, I thought I'd tell you how I got here:  500 episodes of the podcast, a number of books and online courses, and lots of coaching.  How did I end up in this world, in this profession?



And why do I keep at it?  I have long said that my job was to put myself out of business.  It won't happen.  But that is always my goal.  Until then, I'll keep showing up to help people build better marriages and have better lives.



Thank YOU for being part of this journey!



 



RELATED RESOURCES:

My Save The Marriage System

My New Training Resource, The Connection Compass

My Books

The Husband Bootcamp

The Field Guide To Marriage

Let's just say that the bumper sticker, "I used to be cool," has nothing to do with me. I was not cool. I was more the nerdy kid. And to be honest, I'm not sure I have really outgrown that.



In my teen years, I was a magician. My friends were magicians, jugglers, clowns, ventriloquists, and carneys. I even started a magic club at my high school. And no, the cool kids did not show up for it. Ever.



But I will tell you one thing about magic:  it taught me a ton of life lessons... and a ton of psychology! I still recall those lessons to this day.



I probably learned more about humans and perception in my performing than I ever did in my psychology courses. I also learned lessons of perseverance and practice. That is the only way to master sleight of hand. I still rely on that to this day.



Which is why I am always interested when people ask me about the "trick" to saving their marriage. They want some little technique, some "sleight of mind" that will shift their spouse.



But more than that, there are some other lessons from magic that I watch play out. For example, people can come up with the most complex idea about how to do something. They complicate some simple things... in magic tricks and in life. And particularly in marriages.



In this Save The Marriage Podcast episode, we discuss the problems people create in their attempts to find the trick to saving their marriage.



 



 



RELATED RESOURCES:

My new free resource, The Connection Compass

My Save The Marriage System

My books

A training on The Dangers of  the Shortcut

Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it.  Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game.  Or even a trick for a better pancake.  A hint for a better pushup.



But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage.



Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick.  Nothing wrong with asking.  But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick.  You need an approach.  You need a system.”



But you also need a starting point, a way to get beyond the stuck point.  Most people just don’t know how to start, so they start with hints and tricks.  And then they realize there is more to this, more to the crisis.



When people tell me that they had a great marriage “until a week/month/year/___ time period ago, when ___________ happened,” they are missing that the seeds of the crisis were planted long before.



And that is why we need to fix the underlying issues, address the underlying problems, and rebuild in a sustainable way… for a long-term marriage.



In this episode of the podcast, I use the acronym from Gay Hendricks of FACT.  We will FACT out your marriage crisis and get you moving forward.



Pay attention to the choice of path (3 W’s), and your action plan (3 C’s) in order to make a real shift as you face the FACTs of your crisis.



RELATED RESOURCES

Connection is Vital

You Need a Plan

3 C Approach

3 Levels of Connection

Save The Marriage System

The Connection Compass