The Solo Dad Podcast Solo Dads

“It’s different now and that’s OK,” says Abel Keogh, author, blogger, relationship coach and host of YouTube channel Widower Wednesday. Abel became a widower 21 years ago at the age of 26 when his wife took her own life while she was seven months pregnant. He started anonymously blogging during that first year as a widower, sharing his experiences and awkward dating stories. The blog soon took off as there were virtually no other resources for widowers at the time. After receiving so many of the same questions and issues from widowers and the women dating them, he began writing his first of six books, “Room for two.” 


Abel and his current wife Julianna have been married for 20 years and share seven children, and their needs and challenges–like all couples in their situation–continue to grow and change throughout the course of the relationship. Men’s need to act as “fixers'' can negatively influence their ability to choose a new partner. Second wives struggle with wanting to be number one in their husbands lives without being insensitive to the memory of the deceased. It takes work to move on and be happy in what Abel calls Chapter Two. Learning how to set boundaries is crucial.


Grief is no excuse for insensitivity and bad behavior, Mathew and Abel agree. When entering into a new relationship with a widower, it is crucial for both parties to trust their gut instincts. Abel discusses the very common mistake widowers make on social media which can and has destroyed relationships. 



Quotes
“People were reaching out to me because I was the only resource out there at the time…a steady flow of people, mostly women, asking me, ‘Help me out here.’” (6:41-7:13 | Abel)“We both know timelines don't matter in grief. But there is something about the first year, of getting through all the firsts.” (11:51-11:58 | Mathew)‘The guys that I talk to, there's this spark inside of them, where they want to move forward, but they don't know how to do it...they're looking for some kind of direction. ‘Well, how do I start?’ ” (18:03-18:50 | Abel)“A lot of the time, the relationship kind of revolves around the widower, and the person that's dating them feels like they’re living in the shadow of a ghost.” (26:50-27:08 | Abel)‘If you marry a widower, you can be number one in his heart, but there's always going to be…this reminder that there's someone else there.” (28:42-29:03 | Abel)“You've got to reach a point where you can kind of say goodbye to your late spouse, where you can put some of that stuff away and open your heart again. It's wonderful to do.I love my Chapter Two, it's easily the best years of my life, but it's hard to get there.” (47:02-47:20 | Abel)


Links


Connect with Abel Keogh:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/abelkeoghbooks
Instagram: @abelkeogh
Twitter: @abelkeogh
YouTube: @datingawidower https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpXeMMk-_IcJMLVQwND4zHw
Email: www.abelkeogh.com/contact



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“I’m worth whatever I think I’m worth,” says Ken, describing the mindset he adopted while beginning to date after losing his wife. Rather than thinking of their widower status as baggage, solo dads who are preparing to date again should remember that if their amazing wives once loved them, then another amazing person will, too. They also agree that knowing what they might have done differently in their first marriage gives them the unique opportunity to do better in future relationships. Ken was able to gain valuable insight into his marriage by reading the journals his wife kept throughout her life. Journaling has since become a very useful and therapeutic part of his own daily process.
Mathew expounds upon his theory about the connection between processing grief and putting the body in motion, and both men discuss the important role that working out played in the early days of their grief journeys. Ken explains the importance of carving out time for yourself and the need for children growing up today to learn resilience and self-reliance. They wonder whether people in grief put off finishing projects, like creating a photobook of a late spouse, because they subconsciously conflate moving on from the project with moving on from the loved one. They note the priority men place on relationships depending on their marital status. 
There is a marked difference, they agree, in the way widows are treated by society versus their male counterparts, and how differently both groups are treated in comparison to divorcees. Ken discusses the necessity of mastering your emotions, and the way the emotional response to memories of your spouse changes over time.
Quotes
“In the stages of going through your grief. I think you have to rediscover your relationship with your person. Go through it, and when you get to that end point, you feel more at peace. I'm not going to say you let them go but you feel more at peace.” (14:33-14:51 | Ken) “If your dream is to have a partner again and a loving relationship and you want to move forward with that. My first thing wasn’t, ‘Oh, I gotta go start dating.’ I was more, ‘Well, what do I still have to do with myself first?” (57:28-57:52 | Ken) “Let yourself feel the grief that you need to feel. Let yourself have the time that you need on your own, like you need that time away from the kids to just decompress whatever it is. Work out, go with your buddies, go away on a weekend at the Cottage or whatever you’ve got to do.” (1:01:36-1:01:53 | Ken)Links
https://refugeingrief.com/
https://www.amazon.com/Two-Kisses-Maddy-Memoir-Loss/dp/0446564303
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3mwUEoZdrI
https://www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcinerny_we_don_t_move_on_from_grief_we_move_forward_with_it
https://whatsyourgrief.com/growing-around-grief/



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“I’m still on a kind of mixed-grief journey, I guess,” says John Smith, father of two, who lost his wife Kathy to colon cancer nearly two years ago. She was diagnosed just as the World Health Organization declared Covid-19 an official emergency. They were living with her parents at the time, and John discusses the challenges he faced with his in-laws in the immediate period following Kathy’s death. Their approach to grief was completely different from his—they almost pretended it wasn’t happening—and they ended up having separate services. It was a lesson in recognizing that each person is someone different to all the people in his or her life. And many of those same people, who promised very early on to do whatever they could to help John, tended to naturally fall away over time. 
When it comes to meeting new people—people, as Mathew points out, who will never have known your wife—there is the awkwardness of having to tell them about her death for the first time. People’s reactions are strange but understandable. They almost go into denial, especially when you’re young and you have young children, almost as if by acknowledging that it happened to you they must acknowledge it could happen to anyone. Mathew says how important it is to have a weekly period of time to yourself no matter what you choose to do with it. 
John discusses the unique challenges of getting back out on the dating scene, just as a 40-something and particularly as a widower. He praises the community Mathew created where there is a balance of feeling safe to share feelings without being too overwhelming. He refers to it as a brotherhood.
Quotes
“It's amazing how these kids can kind of figure it out on their own, and almost sometimes hold our hand and help us build that bridge and almost show us that it'll be okay.” (6:45-6:57 | Mathew)“First and foremost, she was the best mother that my kids could have asked for. She was just amazing with the kids in every possible way. And again, that puts more pressure on. ‘How can I ever live up to that?"  (42:17-42:51 | John)Links
Facebook | https://www.facebook.com/groups/solodadpodcast/
https://www.amazon.com/Group-Seven-Widowed-Fathers-Reimagine/dp/0190649569#:~:text=Book%20details&text=The%20Group%20offers%20a%20singular,the%20deaths%20of%20their%20wives.
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-happiness-lab-with-dr-laurie-santos/id1474245040
https://podcasts.apple.com/be/podcast/tragedy-grief-healing-and-finding-happiness-kelsey/id1400828889?i=1000563252227


Colon Cancer Awareness info
https://fightcolorectalcancer.org/
https://www.ccalliance.org/
https://coloncancercoalition.org/

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“You’re never done with grief,” says Jim T., who has the rare distinction of being twice widowed. His first wife Melinda was killed in a car accident shortly after they moved to Knoxville Tennessee to found an Eastern Orthodox Church there. Melinda’s death brought the new congregation together, who were still relative strangers, as they rallied around Jim in support. He describes the beautiful rituals and traditions of that sect of Christian faith, and shares what church elders told him about the significance of the date of her death. 
Earlier this year, Jim’s second wife Tracy, mother of his two children, died unexpectedly. He explains the difference in grieving his first wife versus his second. He and Mathew dispel some of the ‘rules’ around grieving and Jim describes his childrens’ surprising reaction to the loss of their mother. He expands on his faith and the role it plays in his grieving process and his life in general. 
This year, he attended a grief retreat where he met up with old friends of his, and people whom he’d never met but who traveled from across the world to lend their support in their time of need. The people who showed up weren’t who he’d expected, but they were exactly who he needed. 
Quotes

“Most of the things we solve in our lives involve doing. And grief is one of these situations where there is no solving it, there is no fixing.” (9:19-9:26 | Jim)
“We get both lamentation and joy because the day of the funeral, I had all of those emotions going on all at once. So if you only do half of it, it just feels incomplete. (17:18-17:37 | Jim)

“I will say this, you're never done with grief. You are never done with it. You work on it, and you put it back on the shelf. And then when you're ready or when something comes up, you take it down and you work on it some more.” (28:50-29:08 | Jim)

“If I could wave a magic wand, one of the things I'd remove for anybody that's grieving is shame. Just get rid of it.” (31:39-31:43 | Mathew)
“I never, ever want to break my kids’ hearts again, like I had to that day.”(38:45-38:54 | Jim) 
Links
http://www.thejoyfulwidower.com/ 
http://www.refugewidowers.com/
Tracy’s visitation (St. Anne Orthodox Church, Oak Ridge, TN) and memorial prayers: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eP25wWBKaj8
Tracy’s funeral (St. George Greek Orthodox Church, Knoxville, TN): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cPndjTMoto

Books:
“I’m Grieving as Fast as I Can”: https://a.co/d/g0h6xyA
“The Group”: https://a.co/d/0HZfI5X
“Memory Eternal”: https://a.co/d/4PYnDGF
 
Jesus Prayer: https://www.svots.edu/saying-jesus-prayer
“Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner”
(And in French, for Tracy’s tombstone): “Seigneur Jésus Christ, Fils de Dieu, aie pitié de moi, pécheur/pécheresse” (masculine/feminine)
 
Kolliva: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Koliva
You can also find several recipes for how to make it—different countries and different families have their own variations on the theme

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Content warning: this episode talks about suicide and parental/spouse death.
“It's not the loss that causes your pain. It's your thoughts and feelings about it,” says Jay Deutsch, who joins the podcast, serendipitously, on the birthday of his late wife, Larissa. Her battles with depression ultimately lead to her taking her own life, leaving Jay a widower with two young children. He discusses the effects and consequences that grief had on himself and his children. 
After an encounter with Larissa at her gravesite, and later with a woman he described as his “twin flame,” Jay underwent a major spiritual epiphany and set a brand new course in life. He began to learn about Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) and the power of using positive self-talk to change one’s thought patterns. Jay uses this and other techniques in his mission to help others deal with their grief, by way of his work as a mindset coach.
We all have the same power to heal ourselves by learning to change the way we think. Jay and Matt discuss the different schools of thought on the nature of depression, the benefits and limitations of grief counseling, and whether grief and happiness can coexist. 
Quotes
“Neuroscience says that only 5% of disease is actually hereditary. And the other 95% is caused by environmental and emotional influences. And basically, all of our thoughts are just electrical impulses in the brain, whether they're positive or negative. And the brain then sends a chemical cocktail into the body to create a feeling. So everything that we feel in life is based on our thoughts.” ( 6:51-7:18 | Jay)
“I see a lot of time, people, once they lose their soulmate, they say things like, ‘I can't wait to be with them again. I give up on life. I'm never going to be happy again. I'm never going to be in love again.’ And when our kids see us thinking and saying these things, they feel a sense of impending doom for themselves.” (46:56-47:14 | Jay)
“Grief is defined as the suffering due to the loss of a loved one. I'm not suffering. It would be like comparing starvation to hunger. If you're suffering from starvation, you're gonna die. If you're hungry, you’ve got days to go before you're dying. Grab a sandwich. Grief is starvation for the person you lost.” (1:19:16-1:19:46 | Jay)
Links
Connect with Jay Deutsch:
https://selfloveandmindsetcoach.com/about-me/
Books we mention:
The Power of Now: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808/ref=asc_df_1577314808/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312400961658&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11870482438097544855&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9016182&hvtargid=pla-432561979413&psc=1
The Untethered Soul:
https://www.amazon.com/The-Untethered-Soul-audiobook/dp/B006KZ8EBQ/ref=sr_1_4?keywords=unthered.+soul.+book+author+michael+singer&qid=1666241221&qu=eyJxc2MiOiIyLjU0IiwicXNhIjoiMi40MyIsInFzcCI6IjIuNTgifQ%3D%3D&s=books&sprefix=unther%2Cstripbooks%2C80&sr=1-4
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“You’re not only experimenting with dating, you’re experimenting with your new self,” says Ken Brown as he joins The Solo Dad Podcast along with Ben Janoski to discuss what it means to return to the dating world as young widowers with children. Some of what’s discussed, such as ghosting, how soon to meet in person and getting catfished, will be familiar to anyone navigating the contemporary dating world. More unique is what they dub the ‘picture purge,’ which is how to feature mementos of your dead wife in a way that doesn’t erase her from your daily life, while not scaring away your new partner, and allowing you to have control over the space which now belongs to only you. 
Ben brings up an excellent point that often the guilt and hesitation you feel, or even the words you put into your deceased loved one’s mouth about dating someone new is really an emotional safety mechanism, because you don’t want to go through the devastation of loving and losing someone again. The only answer is just to get out there and do it, let it be weird and awkward, and see how you feel. Observing how a potential new partner acts around the presence of your loved one’s memory can be a test as to whether they are worth dating. 
There is always space for your loved one even as you continue your new life with a new love. Still it’s important to carve out your own space and continue to be happy in the way your loved one would want you to.
Quotes
· “Guys tend to be fixers. You see a problem, you want to fix it. Well, I’m lonely. How do I fix it? Go on a date. How do you date now? Apps.” (5:55-6:09 | Ben)
· “People who are serious about getting into a relationship know that there’s no substitute for face-to-face.” (36:44-36:50 | Ken)
· “A lot of guys don’t want to disappoint. We’re guys, we want to pick up the check. It’s old-fashioned, but it’s ingrained in our psyche. We don’t want to admit to feeling that maybe there is something holding us back, or we’re still thinking about something else. Part of that is being on the journey.” (43:49-44:29 | Ken)
· “Ghosting feels like more work than just being honest.” (48:32-48:36 | Matt)
· “To be that self-aware to know whether you’re truly ready or not ready to date would be astronomical. You’re going to make some mistakes, it’s going to be awkward and weird, but you’re going to have to do it to test it.” | (56:16-56:36 | Ben)
· “There are all sorts of safety mechanisms that our bodies will create for us. Mine was a general numbness, and that’s where dates would pick up on my not being emotionally available. Because you’re not projecting or acknowledging certain things.” (1:04:45-1:04:57 | Ben)
· “You’re not only experimenting with dating, you’re experimenting with your new self.” (1:08:22-1:08:26 | Ken) 
· “If you’re looking for someone in your life that’s going to be a partner to you, you’re looking for a person who’s going to be accepting of—especially with kids—the existing relationship that’s going to carry on with the person you lost.” (1:32:41-1:33:20 | Ben)


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