TILT Parenting: Raising Differently Wired Kids Debbie Reber

I’ve got a question for you: What’s your relationship with puberty? You know, that inescapable part of every human’s experience, marked by body changes, emotional swings, awkward stages, and more? Personally, I don’t look back on my journey through puberty with whole lotta fondness.
Yet, being that it IS part of every child’s development process, puberty is something that we as parents and actually any adult supporting children are going to want to deeply understand so we can help our kids navigate it in a way that preserves their sense of self-worth, body confidence, and emotional, physical, and mental safety.
And, what I’ve learned from my guests for today’s show, “modern” puberty, is not the same puberty you and I went through however many years ago.
Cara and Vanessa wrote all about it in their wonderful book, This is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained, which explains the science behind all that’s happening at this stage in a kid's lives AND also provides insights into how to talk to kids about it. Because, honestly, even talking about all things puberty with our kids can feel super awkward and uncomfortable for them us. But luckily, Cara and Vanessa are here to hold our hand through it all, and provide us with the facts, language, and strategies for helping us navigate these conversations and this phase of life with confidence and calm.
 
About Cara Natterson
Cara Natterson, MD, is a pediatrician, consultant, and New York Times bestselling author. She’s also the co-founder and CEO of Order of Magnitude, a company dedicated to flipping puberty-positive. Cara’s books focus largely on puberty — some written for the kids going through it, and others for the adults helping them along the way. Her list of titles includes The Care and Keeping of You series with more than 7 million copies in print. While this reach is incredible, the written word is only one way to transform the experience of adolescence.
About Vanessa Kroll Bennett
Vanessa Kroll Bennett is a puberty educator and writer, a podcaster, and entrepreneur who helps adults navigate uncertainty while they support the kids they love. Vanessa is the co-host of The Puberty Podcast which is exactly what it sounds like and the founder of Dynamo Girl, a company focused on building kids’ self-esteem through sports, puberty education and parent workshops. Vanessa consults with organizations, large and small, on how to authentically engage children in their communities. As the host of Conversations on Parenting and Beyond and the first Scholar in Residence at Wasserman Center for Family Life at the JCC Manhattan, Vanessa explores all aspects of growing families. She writes regularly in her Uncertain Parenting Newsletter about the messy process of raising tweens and teens, including her own four children ages 11 to 19.
 
Things you'll learn from this episode

How the way today’s kids experience puberty, aka, “modern puberty,” is different from what their parents experienced

Why talking about puberty is about more than just body changes and sex, and what other important topics need to be part of the conversation

Some of the words that Cara and Vanessa introduce in their book as part of the new vocabulary to use in your conversations with your kids

Advice for parents whose kids might be really reluctant to engage in dialogue about the changes that accompany puberty

How parents can regulate themselves before having difficult conversations with their kids


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Creativity expert Kathryn Haydon talks about the correlation between creativity and neurodiversity, especially giftedness, as well as her vision for supporting differently-wired kids using a "strengths-based" approach.
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Welcome to this week’s show, where I’m so excited to be talking, bringing back to the show my friend, colleague, and my most trusted mentor when it comes to all things kids and tech and screens, Dr. Devorah Heitner.
Today, we’re going to be talking about such a pressing consideration for anyone raising a kid these days — what it means for today’s generation of kids to grow up with very public lives and coming of age in a digital world where so many aspects of their lives are online and available for public consumption, not to mention that much of their important work of identity formation is being shaped by the media and technology they interact with.
Devorah gets into all of this in her brand new and essential book for any parent, Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World. For this conversation, I asked Devorah to talk us through what I see as some of the more pressing issues for parents like us, including how to balance a child’s right to privacy in their texts and online lives with valid concerns about online influences and engagement when that child is dealing with anxiety, depression or other mental health disorder, the impact of social media on kids who may already be struggling to fit in and find their people, and how many homework and grading apps used by schools may actually be undermining our kids development of executive function skills and creating additional stress for parents.
 
About my guest
Dr. Devorah Heitner is the author of Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World and Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, The Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal, and CNN Opinion. She has a Ph.D. in Media/Technology & Society from Northwestern University and has taught at DePaul and Northwestern. You can follow her on Substack at Devorah Heitner dot Substack dot com and on Instagram @devorahheitnerphd.
 
Things you'll learn

How to navigate the transition from being highly involved in a children’s tech life to respecting their privacy

Why violating our kids’ trust by reading their texts will drive them further apart from us

What to track or monitor when your child is dealing with anxiety, depression, or other mental health disorders

How engaging in social media may impact kids who are struggling to fit in and find their people

Why social media can act as an intensifier for whatever kids are experiencing and how it causes a dip in self-esteem

What sharenting is and how to navigate permissions, cleaning up past shares, and more

Why apps like ClassDojo are particularly challenging for families with differently-wired students

How grading apps often work against differently wired students

 
Resources mentioned

Devorah Heitner’s website


Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World by Dr. Devorah Heitner


Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World by Dr. Devorah Heitner

Deborah Heitner’s Substack: Mentoring Kids in a Connected World

Phonewise Boot Camp


The Big Tech Reset Masterclass with Devorah Heitner (Tilt Parenting-partnered event)

Devorah’s TEDx Talk, The Challenges of Raising a Digital Native


At Your Wit’s End with a Screen-Obsessed Kid? Read This (Devorah Heitner’s house visit on NPR Lifekit)

Devorah on Twitter

Devorah on Instagram


Dr. Devorah Heitner on Online Safety, Internet “Rabbit Holes,” and Differently Wired Kids (Tilt Parenting Podcast)


Dr. Devorah Heitner on the Pros & Cons of “Managing” Our Kids’ Screen Time (Tilt Parenting Podcast)


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A follow-up conversation with Debbie's husband Derin in which he shares how he got unstuck in his thinking about Asher, as well as how the two of them fostered a close bond of mutual love and understanding.
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Debbie and her husband Derin have an honest, open, and vulnerable conversation about their (up and down) journey as a couple navigating parenting a differently-wired child.
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Dr. Lori Desautels is coming back to the show to talk about her new book Intentional Neuroplasticity: Our Educational Journey Towards Post Traumatic Growth, which stems from her passion of applying the social and relational neurosciences to education and integrating her applied research into classroom procedures and transitions prepping the nervous system for learning and felt safety. 
An Assistant Professor at Butler University, K-12 educator, and researcher, Lori joined me on the podcast last year to talk about her book Connections over Compliance: Rewiring our Perceptions of Discipline, and that conversation has really just stayed with me, so I loved having this opportunity to go deep with her about intentional neuroplasticity. 
In this conversation, we discussed some of the research about neuroplasticity not only in kids but in adults, and how we can use it and what we know about the nervous system to help us co-regulate at home and at school and truly meet our children where they are. 
 
Dr. Lori Desautels, has been an Assistant Professor at Butler University since 2016 where she teaches both undergraduate and graduate programs in the College of Education. Her passion is engaging her students through the social and relational neurosciences as it applies to education by integrating the Applied Educational Neuroscience framework, and its learning principles and practices into her coursework at Butler. The Applied Educational Neuroscience Certification, created by Lori in 2016, is specifically designed to meet the needs of educators, counselors, clinicians and administrators who work beside children and adolescents who have, and are, experiencing adversity and trauma. The certification is now global and has reached hundreds of educators. 
 
Things you'll learn from this episode

What this school year has shown us about the impact COVID has had on students and educators

What the research says about neuroplasticity in adults and how we can use it in co-regulating with children and students

What “building a nest” for our kids means, and and why it’s the best place to start when tending to our kids nervous systems

How Lori’s approach has been received by educators

What’s possible in classrooms when teachers apply Lori’s methodology to nervous system management

 
Resources mentioned

Revelations in Education, Dr. Lori Desautel’s website


Intentional Neuroplasticity: Our Educational Journey Towards Post Traumatic Growth by Dr. Lori Desautels


Connections Over Compliance: Rewiring Our Perceptions of Discipline by Dr. Lori Desautels


Eyes Are Never Quiet: Listening Beneath the Behaviors of Our Most Troubled Students by Dr. Lori Desautels

Resources from Revelations


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