To Tell or Not to Tell with Kristen Wetherell Held

In this episode of the Held Podcast, I chatted with Kristen Wetherell about making the decision to share or not to share about your miscarraige, or how publicly to share if you choose to do so. Kristen and I made really different choices in this area. We talked about everything from reasons people choose not to share, to the benefits of sharing with a choice few or more publicly, to what to do if someone finds out about your loss later and feels offended you didn’t share with them. Her biblical encouragement regarding decision making and conscience is a freeing gift. I hope you’ll find it helpful as you consider whether or not to (or how privately or publicly to) talk about your own pregnancy loss.
About Kristen Wetherell: Kristen Wetherell is a wife, mother, and writer. She is the author of Fight Your Fears and the co-author of the award-winning book Hope When It Hurts. Kristen lives in Chicagoland with her husband, Brad, who is a pastor. They have two children.
 
Questions in this Episode: Would you start off by just telling us a bit about your own experience with miscarriage?
 
Tell us a little about you and Brad’s personal decision regarding sharing (or not sharing) about your miscarriage? 
 
What are some other reasons that you imagine might cause a woman to want to keep her miscarriage private? What are some of the cons of this?
 
What are some reasons or benefits to sharing about your loss with a few friends/ family members…. or even more publicly?
 
Can you walk us through a scenario where your miscarriage comes up in conversation and a friend is offended or hurt that you didn’t share about this with them. What might be a wise and loving way to respond?
 
How can we discern if our reason for sharing or not sharing is sinful or if it is good/wise? (obviously this is a tricky question) How should we go about making that decision?
 
 
Questions for every guest:
What’s one way God has used your experience of miscarriage to work in your heart and life?
If you could encourage a woman to meditate on or memorize any verse or short set of verses in this season, what would it be and why?
Noteworthy Quotes: “Before I miscarried we made the decision to share about the pregnancy knowing that if anything were to happen, these were the people we would want to also weep with us if we lost the baby. We shared basically with our family and our extended family and our closest friends. These were people we knew we wanted to pray for us, and we knew we could entrust this to, and also who we knew would cry with us and walk alongside us well should anything happen. So when I miscarried we felt very surrounded by people who love us and truly care for us.”
“God’s spirit has given us the gift of conscience and guides us… and it just didn’t sit well with us personally to share more publicly, say on social media or to have our parents sharing. It was a level of comfort or discomfort.”
“Primarily, it feels so private because this life and then this loss has taken place in an unseen place. I could see a woman deciding not to say anything because it feels unseen. I think people may not share because it’s just too painful. Every time we share,... we’re revisiting and reentering the pain, and I think that women may not want to magnify it in that sense. Another reason I thought of is broken trust. I think if we’ve had negative experiences of sharing hard things with people and facing improper responses or insensitive responses, that could be with family or friends, it could be with the church [but] if we’ve been hurt by people I think we’ll be less likely to share in the future. And then finally, I thought about shame. Whether we don’t want to rehearse it again or we’re afraid that people will judge us or think that we did something to cause it, I think that shame is a reason people don’t share.”
“In the realm of faith, I think we miss opportunities to proclaim our hope t