Want Love Series Mocha and The Flame

Our Top 12 Steps to Becoming Less Needy and More Secure in Your Relationships

PART 2 OF 2

Use sincere empathy when listening to your partner’s emotions. -Think of a time (or now) that you’ve been there. Show you feel or have felt the same. PARTNER: “My boss was mean to me today and called me a dummy!” YOU: “That’s so hurtful!” You should be able to feel or have felt most of the emotions your partner feels at times. We are all human. Dive back to when you felt the same way and relate to your partner. Guys, if your girl is telling you her feelings about work and friends and so on...SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO FIX THEM OR GIVE YOUR OPINION OF HOW TO HANDLE THE SITUATION (unless she asks what you would do) JUST LISTEN. Sometimes, this behavior can almost contradict number seven. If you are a chronic complainer, it may be difficult for your partner not to check out and lose the ability to connect during the times they could be providing empathy. A good rule is to only complain about the things you are willing to do something about. This way when you’re sharing your feelings with your partner, it’s less likely they will check out on you and it can strengthen your relationship by connecting.

Focus on becoming more attractive. This is not just about looks. -attractiveness is about being more desirable than just being gorgeous. Good looks doesn’t hurt anything but being attractive is how you handle yourself, your problems, and your life. It’s about how you behave. Ladies, follow the steps of an attractive woman that a man desires. Men, you should follow the steps of an attractive alpha male that a woman desires.

Living securely as a secure person. -This takes a lot of practice but can become you over time. Follow the steps outlined here. Get a good book and learn to stop being needy. If you want love, these are the ways to get it.

Mocha & The Flame talk about those who Want Love Series about overcoming being needy and getting the love that you are looking for.

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How to stop neediness and insecurities. You know that this is not a good habit and when you start doing this in your relationship is when things will get difficult in your relationship. Check out our Podcast and YouTube series

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1. Focus on your actions and less on your partner’s actions. -this one step is the beginning of becoming a more secure person. We all have one person in the entire world that we can control, that is ourselves. When you focus too much on another person you can get into a mindset of finding every flaw, imperfection, and wrong doing of how another person behaves. Typically, when we do this, we lose focus on our own huge flaws and disconnecting behaviors. Focus and improve on your own actions and behavior.

2. Get some hobbies. No one is attracted to boring people. -what do you like to do? Do you even know? Start trying new hobbies. Women may like to read, work out and do yoga, enjoy writing, acting, photography, dancing, canning, meditation, gardening, cooking and so on. Men, on the other hand may try wood-working and carving, excercise and lifting weights, fishing, hunting, golf, rocketry, cooking, photography, graphic design, skeet and target, shooting, all-terrain riding and more. You can research hundreds of options online and in books.

3. Spend more time doing your own thing. Don’t be a SMOTHER. -focus on those hobbies we just talked about.

4. Lose your Jealous Streak. It’s a turn-off. -that should be enough said but people are jealous in many ways. For example, you may or may not be jealous of a potential threat to your intimate relationship with your partner by another potential partner or affair. Some people are jealous of their partner’s friends, children, work relationships, and hobbies. Yes, it’s possible as a needy person to be jealous of most anything that seems threatening to your relationship...and even if there is NO evidence of a problem.

5. Take care of yourself. Fix up, try looking nice and smelling nice. Remember the beginning? -try being more like you were when your partner was attracted to you in the beginning. Slow down and date your partner. Guys, you didn’t go on dates with your partner in your flip flops and smell like the yard work you did. You didn’t pick your date up in a filthy pickup. Did you bring flowers when you met her for a date and do something fun and nice? Ladies, did you go three or four days with your hair in a bun and no makeup on, complain about everything in the world and gripe constantly? NO! Start again doing what attracted your partner to you in the first place.

6. Get your finances in order. Go get what you want instead of complaining about what you have or don’t have. -this is a big one here. Sometimes, things in life are out of our control and sometimes finances is one of those things. Do your best to take control of your own financial well-being and don’t rely on someone else to do it for you. Watch some Dave Ramsey videos on YouTube and get a plan together.

7. STOP COMPLAINING! -again, should be enough said but COMPLAINING is one of the biggest turn-off and tune-out issues in relationships. It’s actually detrimental. If you constantly complain about the weather, your job, your situation, your neighbors, etc. then your partner will start to tune you out and think “that’s just annoying”. Try being more interested in your partner and less interested in your problems. Fix your problems yourself.

8. Set clear Boundaries and balance them with Love. -setting boundaries is a very poorly understood requirement in life and particularly relationships. You can study setting boundaries with others and balancing that with love. You can’t be “ALL BOUNDARIES” and you can’t be “ALL LOVE”. You must balance the two well.

Use sincere agreement. You don’t have to agree with your partner’s statement. Just with the part of it that’s true to you. -I’ll give you an example... PARTNER: ”You never want to spend time with me anymore!” YOU: “Yes, sometimes I want to be alone (with friends, out of the house, or whatever)!” Another example: PARTNER: “You’re just a messy person!” YOU: “Yeah, sometimes I leave things laying around!”


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Secure Dating Behavior  - Part 2 – It’s Just A Date - Want Love Series Episode 6

First of all I have to say: If you are extremely needy you shouldn’t try and date just yet. Focus and improve on you first, then you can go out on a date.

Do you know how to date? If you are needy you’ll need to restrain yourself on a date.

Ladies, you set the relationship pace so even if you are unbelievably attracted to a guy you are on a date with, you’ll need to chill out and slow things down.

Focus on just this one date not marriage, children, future plans (not to be confused with not communicating about personal future plans).

Secure people only focus on enjoying themselves and getting to know the other person.

As a needy person you’ll need to change your perspective to that of how a secure person would see things and behave.

Know that there is no commitment between either of you for another date or even another phone call or text message. It’s “just” a date.

You don’t need to have an expectation of someone contacting you again.

You don’t need to try and set another date while on the first or even at the end. Just agree maybe you’ll go out again sometime (if you did enjoy it) but no need to set another yet.

All of these behaviors are for men and women.

Did you know that most of the people you date are not compatible?

Try not to be too available. This is a needy thing.

After your date get busy again with your life, your work, skills, friends, hobbies, dating someone else, and other activities.

Brush up on your social skills so you can be more inclined to have others in your life to talk to and do things with.

Dating safely. In today’s world it’s imperative to know some about who you are going to date, know someone that knows your date, and meet somewhere there are lots of people for the first date or two.

It’s not important to share addresses in the beginning.

Happy Dating,

Mocha & the Flame



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Secure Dating Behavior  - Part 1 - High-Stakes Dating

Do you know what dating is?

For secure people it’s going out with someone to get to know them and have some fun. That’s it.

For needy people, they get all hyped up before the date and become unrealistic about the other person. They get ready to go all-in and commit to a long term relationship and have not even been on the date yet.

It’s high stakes. They put way too much value into it. They date a single person at a time and stay with them even if they’re not a good fit.

Ever had a friend that has been in love with 7 soul mates and it never works out? Maybe you have been that person.

People who are secure date several people, and even at the same time before committing. This allows them to choose a better match for a LTR.

They stay involved in other things and hobbies instead of wrapping themselves up in one person ALL THE TIME!

If you’re both needy, you may stay together for a long time...in misery.

If you want to long-term relationship success, you will have to make changes to who and how you date.

If you think you have a “Love” addiction...you are needy. It’s not a legitimate term in phsycology. It’s not a phsycological disorder.

Needy people cannot date people with flaws. They badger them about it even if it is there past. Needy people accept this behavior and continue to try and smooth it over. 

Needy people sometimes date secure people...by playing like they are secure, however, unless the secure person is a player...there is usually not a second date.

You can date without making a commitment. If the other person demands a commitment and you are not ready to commit...find someone else to date.

Opportunities for Growth

Mocha & The Flame




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Mocha & The Flame recommend becoming more secure and learning behaviors of a secure person. Develop the habits and behaviors of a secure person.

Subscribe for results:  

How to stop neediness and insecurities. You know that this is not a good habit and when you start doing this in your relationship is when things will get difficult in your relationship. Check out our Podcast and YouTube series


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Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/wantloveseries/message

 Mocha & The Flame talk about those who Want Love Series about overcoming being needy and getting the love that you are looking for.   

Do you Want Love?...

Mocha & The Flame recommend becoming more secure and learning behaviors of a secure person. 

Subscribe for results:  

How to stop neediness and insecurities. You know that this is not a good habit and when you start doing this in your relationship is when things will get difficult in your relationship. Check out our Podcast and YouTube series

What Is Neediness? Not only is needy behavior completely unattractive, it is also the most toxic behavior in relationships. It’s smothering and gross. It does not matter how you became needy. What matters is how you can start now at getting over neediness and becoming attractive.

What Is Neediness? We’ll define it...

-When you have an excessive desire for the affection and reassurance from others. 

-When you have a constant need for the approval of others stemming from a cocktail of low self esteem, a position of outside control, and a self-limiting belief.

All of these things combined create the insecurities and make up of a needy person. They feel like they must have others define who they are by their actions and comments. A requirement to be validated by someone else, especially a partner or potential partner. Most needy people will say things like “I’m going to find someone someday to complete me” or “I’m looking for a relationship to fulfill my life and make it magical”. If they don’t verbally say it, their actions do.

Many needy people put too much value in others, especially those who have earned very little or no value. Many needy people go out of their way emotionally, physically, and financially to impress others into liking them and reassuring them.

Ever repeated affirmations? Just like repeating negative thoughts dictate habitual behaviors in your life, positive thoughts repeated are no different and will become a habit (but for the good). Try and make it a habit to be positive.

Repeat this statement five times: I do not need to have a relationship with anyone.

Now say this, six times: I really want a relationship with someone who is fun and who compliments me as a secure person.

This last one is a good goal, however there are many goals we must set in life and this very one should be later-on your list. The first goal you should have if you are needy is “Become more secure”. Now how are you going to achieve that goal? Will you attract a secure person if you are needy? Not for long...

Realize that no one should be required to bear the burden of your self-esteem as well as theirs. It is your responsibility to be secure.


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