When News Breaks, We'll Get To It At Some Point
Amazon Offers Pro-Union Employees Same-Day Delivery Of Busted Kneecaps
Anchor: A different kind of expedited shipping. This is WBS News Radio, and it’s 4:51. E-Commerce giant Amazon announced Tuesday that it was offering employees in favor of forming a union same-day delivery of busted kneecaps, as well as other perks. A spokesman for Amazon explained.
Spokesman: We at Amazon value every one of our employees, including those considering forming or joining a union. In fact, we value such employees so much that we’re offering them expedited shipping of all beat-downs, same-day delivery of busted kneecaps and the lowest prices anywhere on a nice, long rest with the fishes.
Anchor: The spokesman conceded that Amazon has a reputation as being anti-union, but said that label is completely unwarranted.
Spokesman: We’ve always treated our employees who might choose to unionize with respect. Oh, wait, I forgot. There haven’t been any of those. I wonder why that is.
Anchor: The spokesman went on to say that anyone found leading a union-forming push at any Amazon facility might find a genuine horse’s head has been delivered right to their bed, free of charge. This is WBS News Radio.
Senate Introduces ‘Millibuster’, Where Senators Just Kind Of Stand Around
Anchor: Senators mill about. This is WBS News Radio, and it’s 12:26. The U.S. Senate narrowly approved a new rule Thursday known as the “millibuster,” which enables Senators to walk around the Senate chamber aimlessly, without a clear purpose. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell spoke in favor of the measure to implement the rule prior to the Senate vote.
McConnell: This rule is in keeping with the finest traditions of the United States Senate’s tendency to see its members mill about, traipse around, aimlessly wander. We cannot sacrifice these hallowed traditions simply because the Democrats in power want to do away with them as a means to achieving their own ends -- namely that of sitting down.
Anchor: The motion to institute the millibuster rule passed with just two Democratic votes, that of moderates Kyrsten Sinema of Arizona and Joe Manchin of West Virginia. Following the vote, McConnell took to the floor again to thank the two Democrats.
McConnell: I want to thank Senators Manchin and Sinema specifically, as they had the fortitude and the strength of their convictions to support this rule and uphold the great history of meandering that exists in this chamber, thus proving the era of bipartisanship is not in fact over, and we can work together. I plan to mosey on over to their side of the aisle, twiddle my thumbs a bit and eventually get around to thanking them personally later on today. But first I ask unanimous consent to allot 20 minutes of time to mill about, beginning now.
Anchor: This is WBS News Radio.
Louis DeJoy Delivers Self To Oversight Committee Hearing Several Days Late
Anchor: Delayed delivery. This is WBS News Radio, and it’s 1:18. Postmaster General Louis DeJoy delivered himself to a House Oversight Committee hearing several days late Wednesday, arriving this morning instead of last Friday, the day he was originally scheduled to appear. DeJoy apologized for the delay.
DeJoy: I apologize to the committee. / I sent myself here Thursday afternoon, fully expecting to arrive Friday morning, as scheduled. However, I was for some reason re-routed to Poughkeepsie, New York, where I spent several days, before finally being sent out again Monday afternoon. I’m not sure what the issue was, but you can rest assured I will be investigating.
Anchor: DeJoy went on to say he had intended to present several documents to the committee.
DeJoy: However, I put them in the mail several days before my scheduled appearance here, and they have not yet arrived.
Anchor: Once the hearing began in earnest, all of DeJoy’s answers were delayed several hours in getting to the committee. This is WBS News Radio.
Head Lice Union Calls For Immediate Reopening Of All U.S. Elementary Schools
Anchor: A reeling industry makes a desperate plea. This is WBS News Radio, and it’s 8:14. The nation’s largest head lice union, representing an industry especially hard-hit by the Covid-19 pandemic, urged government officials to open up the country’s elementary schools as soon as possible Friday. A union spokeslouse told reporters that the situation is dire industry-wide.
Spokeslouse: Many groups have had a tough time during this pandemic. But few have had it tougher than America’s head lice. It is not an exaggeration to say we are in a life-or-death situation. Without children to host and spread us, we are dying in huge numbers, and are nearing the point of being wiped out completely. I myself am only here because I recently found a large group of idiot families in Arizona who let their kids play together in spite of the pandemic. Others I’ve known have not been so lucky. We mourn them all.
Anchor: The spokeslouse went on to say that what the head lice industry needs more than anything is kids gathering in close proximity to one another.
Spokeslouse: We need elementary school-age children back in school, in large groups, braiding each other’s hair, sitting together too closely, generally having heads come in contact with other heads. We need this now, or too few of us will get to enjoy a long, full 30-day life as nature intended.
Anchor: The spokeslouse concluded by driving home his point about the urgency of getting kids back into schools.
Spokeslouse: Governors, mayors, school district leaders, we urge you to get these kids back in school as soon as possible. Without your children, we risk complete and utter annihilation.
Anchor: This is WBS News Radio.
Indiana GOP Censures Mike Pence For Not Being Assassinated
Anchor: Punishment for Pence? This is WBS News Radio, and it’s 8:13. The Indiana Republican Party voted unanimously Tuesday to censure former Vice President Mike Pence for not allowing himself to be assassinated during the attack on the Capitol January 6th. Arnold Thatchgood, state GOP chairman, explained.
Thatchgood: We in the Indiana Republican Party object in the strongest possible terms to then-Vice President Pence’s betrayal of President Trump and his 74 million voters. By escaping from the Senate chamber as the attackers were on their way, instead of staying and allowing himself to be murdered, Vice President Pence effectively allowed the fraudulent electoral count to be completed. This, in a word, is unforgivable.
Anchor: Thatchgood went on to say that Pence was wrong to value his own life more than President Trump’s electoral fate.
Thatchgood: To think you are more important than the outcome of the presidential election of this country is the height of arrogance. No one’s life matters more than that of President Trump. I would give my life right now, if he asked me to. I’m hoping he’s not listening to this and doesn’t, in fact, do that, but nevertheless...
Anchor: Thatchgood concluded by asserting that, had he been in Pence’s position and had betrayed former president Trump, he would have done the honorable thing and taken his own life.
Thatchgood: Like a dishonored soldier, I would have fallen on my sword. Now, I probably wouldn’t have had a sword, being the vice president. But as we Indiana Republicans say, there is always a solution, if one looks hard enough. In this case, I would have simply borrowed a spear from that guy with the horns.
Anchor: This is WBS News Radio.
Trump Attorneys Argue That Several Senators Who Might Have Been Killed On Jan. 6th Will Be Dead Soon Anyway
Anchor: A novel argument. This is WBS News Radio, and it’s 1:46. Attorneys for former President Trump argued Friday that his alleged incitement of insurrection wasn’t as severe as it was being made out to be by Democratic impeachment managers because several of the senators who were at risk of being killed in the January 6th attack on the Capitol are very old and will be dead soon anyway. Attorney Michael van der Veen spearheaded the defense’s case.
Van der Veen: Many of the senators who were at risk that day are very, very old. Senator Leahy, for example, all due respect, but you’re ancient. And Senator Feinstein, I was under the impression you were already dead.
Anchor: Van der Veen went on to explain that the fact that so many senators are elderly means that it wouldn’t have been as tragic had they been killed in the attack.
Van der Veen: I mean, let’s be honest, it would be sad, but it’s not like it would be some huge tragedy. I mean, Senator Grassley, how old are you, 90? How long do you really think you have left? We’re talking about a couple of years, at most.
Anchor: Van der Veen concluded by pointing out that it would have been a heroic death had the senators in question been killed while defending the Capitol.
Van der Veen: Senators, I respectfully ask, how would you rather go out? Fighting a mob of insurrectionists, defending your sacred place of work, this symbol of Democracy and the American way, or drooling into your oatmeal, incontinent and unable to wipe your own ass? I mean, I think the choice is obvious, and I think, that being the case, President Trump nearly did you a huge favor by inciting that crowd to murderous violence. The real tragedy, perhaps, is that they did not succeed.
Anchor: This is WBS News Radio.