You Can Mentor: A Christian Mentoring Podcast You Can Mentor: Faith-Based Mentoring for Churches, Non-Profits, Youth Ministers, and Teachers

We’ve all done it. We have said something like “Wow, Brian is the best. He is such a good kid.” You may think there’s not a thing wrong with that statement. But what about this one, “Geez. Brian is the worst. He is such a bad kid.” While we wouldn’t think to say that about or to a kid, we should at least recognize that both statements exist on the same spectrum of thought and action.

But what’s the worst part of thinking about someone (or something) as being bad? Well, bad things don’t go back to being good! Nothing in your refrigerator that goes bad gets good again, no matter how many Bible studies those cartons of milk attend!

There is a permanence to our thinking and words that we need to be extra careful of when it comes to how we speak to and about our mentees!

We know there is a lot at stake when we read James 3: “We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check. When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.

Here are three things to remember that will help us shore up the intentionality and shore up the effects of our words:
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Choose Your Words Wisely. Think before you speak. Remember that in some ways, your mentee is like a court reporter – remembering every word you say on the recorder in their brain. In other words: Know your audience! Realize the context! Read the room!Your Intent is Hard to Measure. How many times have you had to say, “that wasn’t what I meant!” or “I was just joking.” Speaking of the courtroom once more, our intent is a very weak defense. It doesn’t matter what we meant to say, it only matters what our mentee heard! Be Able to Say, “I’m Sorry.” This valuable reminder needs to be a part of every Mentoring Minute episode. Our mentees learn more about what it means to be a Christian during times of conflict and restoration than they do when times are easy, and everyone is friendly, and circumstances are optimal. Be transparent. Model a peacemaker mentality and approach to relationships.--
There is no such thing as a “bad” kid. There are, unfortunately, some very unhealthy kids out there who had to endure trauma or abuse and who lacked the basic care and attention that many of us enjoyed during our formative years. Let’s commit to loving our mentees well and remembering OUR WORDS MATTER.

Safety is the name of the game when it comes to mentoring. You always want to have safety on the mind when you are hanging out with your mentee. First priority is always to keep the child safe, but another aspect of safety is following rules and procedures so you stay above reproach and free of any possible accusation. 

One of the best ways to keep everyone safe in the mentoring journey is called the rule of three. The rule of three means that there are always three parties involved when you are hanging out with your mentee. The third person can be a crowded place, a friend of yours or the mentee, or a member of your family or the mentee’s family. 

In our organizations, the rule of three is something that we stress to every mentor, no matter age or experience. Of course we realize that, from time to time, you will be found alone with your mentee. Here are some tips to make those rare times more safe.
Car ride: Perhaps you are picking them up for a car ride. If you find yourself in that position, it is vital that you let someone, either a parent or your mentoring organization, know when the mentee gets in the car with you and when you get to your desired location. Room: If you find yourself in a room alone with your mentee, make sure to let other people around know you are in there and keep the door open. Event: Try your hardest to get someone else to go with you. Whether it be a mentee’s friend or sibling or your own child, spouse, or friend. 
If you ever find yourself in a situation that doesn’t seem safe, do whatever you can to get out of that situation immediately and communicate the situation with either the parent or the mentoring organization. We recommend never doing an overnight. 

We understand that relational depth and capital are vital to an effective mentoring relationship, but we must pursue those things within the boundaries of a safe relationship. If you want to have a private talk, perhaps have it at a local park. If you need to have a hard conversation, try going for a walk around the neighborhood. 

Yes, following safety guidelines will add some challenges to your mentoring relationship, just like stopping at a red light, wearing a seat belt, and driving the speed limit slow you down a bit. But they are vital to keep everyone safe. 
The rule of three is a non-negotiable in any mentoring relationship I am a part of. When in doubt, over-communicate with a third party, especially a parent. We want to stay above reproach for all parties involved. The stakes are too high when it comes to the safety of your mentee. 
--Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us!Contact us at zach@youcanmentor.com or at www.youcanmentor.com

In my line of work, I hear these three little words all the time. They come after I give something to someone usually or offer to help someone do something. My nonproof is based on Jesus’s words to his disciples: “Freely you’ve been given, freely give,” so I practice the act of remembering whatever I have is really God’s and not mine anyway.

WE’RE NOT CALLED TO DO THINGS HALF-HEARTED

When I hear someone ask, “are you sure?” it has less to do with their questioning my decisiveness or integrity and more to do with their processing a kindness. And that’s ok! But I still take a minute and usually say something like, “about ten years ago I stopped saying and doing things I wasn’t absolutely sure about!” And it’s true!

NO REGRETS!

What’s the best thing about being certain in what we do and say? We usually don’t regret our decisions. Making a choice/decision with all of who we are means we have considered the options and are comfortable moving forward. We’re not second-guessing ourselves, and there’s a wonderful freedom in that.
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3 STEPS TO PRACTICING CERTAINTY IN OUR DECISIONS AND MODELING IT FOR OUR MENTEES
Listen To Jesus. He said in Matthew 5 that we’re foolish to make oaths on anything in heaven, on earth, or even on ourselves because when did we get the power to even turn a hair white or black?? Jesus instructs us to be practical. Simply say “yes” and “no” and then do what we say we’re gonna do! That should be enough.Wait a beat. Give yourself time and space when making a decision. Don’t let your mouth get out ahead of your brain. Pray about it! Think about it. Once you feel you can make a decision that all your faculties agree on, then say yes or no.Remember you’re human. I very rarely go back on my word. But sometimes, I do! And man, I beat myself up about it. But when those times happen, I ask forgiveness from the person I’ve slighted. I try to make it up to them and finally, I give myself a break!--
There will be limitless opportunities for you to practice consistency and show integrity with your words and actions as you mentor someone. I hope you will make it a priority for your words to matter and that you will set a good example for this with your mentee. Isaiah 55:11 reminds us that every word that goes forth from God’s mouth does not return to him void. God does not make empty promises! If he has given you a word on something, you can trust him to make good on it. We can stand on God’s word. After all, his word is his bond! 
Let’s stand on that. Let’s rest in that. Let’s reflect that by practicing consistency between what we do and say. Let’s model that for our mentee. Are you sure? Yes, I am. 
--Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us!
Contact us at zach@youcanmentor.com or at www.youcanmentor.com

I hate to fly. I hate everything about it. Getting up 72 hours before your flight so you can drive to a crowded airport with terrible parking. I hate the 19 lines you wait in to do all the things. Take your shoes off. Put your belt back on while scurrying to go buy a $12 bottle of water in a gift shop so you can sit on the floor next to a power outlet and charge your phone. Hurry up and wait. 

Do you have unassigned seating on your flight? Well, that’s just the worst. The anxiety of standing in a batch of people waiting to get on the plane in groups is only rivaled by the anxiety you feel when making that right turn into the plane hoping that you’ll find an empty seat towards the front of the plane. Good luck with that!

Once you do find some room in the overhead for your bag and an open seat, it’s time to open the little plastic air nozzle that wheezes recirculating humid passenger farts from everyone in the tin can onto the top of your head and lap as you wait for the violent take off.

But before they hit the friendly skies, all passengers are treated to some safety instructions where they discover there are overhead breathing apparatus and floating seat cushions. Flight staff is quick to remind us that adults sitting next to children should put on their own masks first and then see to their kids.

WHAT A MENTOR CAN LEARN FROM THE PREFLIGHT INSTRUCTIONS:

-We THRIVE so they can THRIVE. If the adult on a flight doesn’t take care of their own breathing mask first, they’re not gonna be any good to anybody! The same is true of mentors. If we are barely surviving, we will struggle to help our mentees thrive. 
-It needs to be said. When you’re young, your reflex is to look out for yourself. When you’re a parent, your knee jerk response is to see to your child. The airline gives the instruction to remind us as parents that we must first take care of us so we can take care of them.  
-There is too much at stake! Airlines give us emergency instructions because the stakes are high! It’s the same with mentoring. We never want to do damage within this relationship.

Three Steps to Healthy Mentoring  
Be Proactive. Make sure you are putting on that Armor of God before leaving the house! Is your faith strong? Are you growing in your faith? Do you have the margin of time and effort it takes to be a consistent and healthy mentor? If so, great! If not, what will it take to get there?Communicate. We all have some turbulence in our lives that make us less-than-optimal mentors. You’ll forget a meet up. You’ll be distracted sometimes or say the wrong thing to your mentee. When these things happen be quick to apologize and see everything as a teachable moment. Ask your mentee to forgive you. Practice and model conflict resolution. Your mentee will learn a lot from how you handle things.Know when to make adjustments, hit the flight attendant button, or pull the plug altogether. You may need to pause meeting with your mentee so you can see to yourself. You may need to call in reinforcements. There are also times when you just need to cancel meeting altogether. Each of these decisions takes prayer, counsel, and wisdom. 
As in all areas of life, decisions are best made in community. Proverbs 15:22 reminds us that “plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed.” 

I may always prefer driving cross country to flying, but when I do fly, it’s good to be reminded that as mentors the health of our relationship with our mentee is 100% dependent on the health of our relationship with Christ. 
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Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us!
Contact us at zach@youcanmentor.com or at www.youcanmentor.com

If you’ve ever hiked up a mountain, it is no easy endeavor. There are easy parts and there are hard parts. Storms can pop up from time to time. Times of fun and times where you are challenged. But if you stick it out, the view is almost worth the struggle it took to get there. 

One thing I know to be true about climbing a mountain is it is always easier when you do it with other people. 

People can pick you up when you fall down. Can encourage you when you get tired. Can celebrate with you when you hit a check point. People who can champion you to do what you set out to do. 

The same is true with mentoring. It’s always better when you do it with other people. 

Mentoring alone is very difficult. Why? Because often times the “wins” in mentoring are few and far between. I have found that most mentors experience discouragement at some point in their mentoring journey. 

And when discouragement hits, it’s usually downhill from there. A typical pattern may look something like this. 

Get discouraged. 
Start believing this isn’t working
Negative outlook or bad attitude
Stop pursuing
Relationship dissolves

But mentoring is all about persevering. It’s all about continuing to show up over and over and over. It’s about, like Jesus with us, overcoming the hard and being there for your mentee no matter what. 

When you begin mentoring, it’s always a good idea to surround yourself with people who can help you on your mentoring journey. 

Here are some potential key members of your mentoring tribe. 

Organization (Church / non-profit / school)
Best practicesCreate events to participate inHold you accountable
Family
Cheer you on and celebrate when good things happen with your menteeHelp share the load, as they build relationships with your menteePray for your mentee
Friends
Mentoring in a small group is an excellent way to team up to advance the Kingdom. You already live life together. Might as well do it on mission. Like having an assistant coach. Maybe they have expertise where you don’t. One more adult to look up to. 
Your tribe can:
Help you stay encouragedSpeak truth when you are believing liesCreate a safe place to vent about hard timesHold your proverbial mentoring arms up when they get tired like aaron did with moses. Give you new ideas on how to engage with your mentee or how to overcome an obstacle with your mentee. Help open up opportunities for your menteePray for you and pray with you. Champion you to stay in the mentoring game for the long haul. Provide respite if you have a difficult season or unforeseen circumstance pop up
Just like climbing a mountain, or going on any journey, is better with a tribe of people, mentoring for the long haul is easier when you are surrounded by people who love you and who are for you. 

So find your tribe. Be open about your mentoring needs, opportunities, struggles, and victories. Share the load and allow others to hold your arms up when you get tired. 

Mentoring is always better with other people. 
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Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us and we can spotlight your org on the pod or on our website. Contact us at zach@youcanmentor.com or at www.youcanmentor.com.

Giving Gifts

Giving gifts or purchasing things for your mentee is one of the more complicated topics you will face as a mentor. You want to be able to show your care and affection for your mentee through giving gifts, but so often they can become distractions in your mentoring relationship. 

Let me be the first to say that this is a gray topic. It is not black and white. We are just giving you our perspective that we gained through years of mentoring. 

We never want our mentee or their family to:
See us as an ATMTo hang out with us to get somethingConfuse our mentee when we don’t give them everything they want
This is especially difficult when the gifts you want to purchase are considered necessary items. 

We have had mentees who:
Needed new shoesNeeded a bedNeeded groceries
When needs like this pop up, we suggest you use your connections to a non-profit organization or a church to partner with your mentee to take care of those needs. We highly recommend building a relationship with other ancillary organizations such as food banks, clothing closets, and churches. 

If you want to provide basic items, we’re ok with that, as long as the mentee and their family know it’s coming from someone other than you. This is a benefit to mentoring with a specific organization - they can be the fall guy when someone asks you for a gift. You can blame it on them. 

But there is a difference between a want and a need. 

We recommend that you do not purchase your mentee anything with the exception of a birthday present. We recommend that you place a $25 cap on the birthday gift that you purchase. An occasional purchasing of food and treats is another thing. Perhaps you want to take your mentee to a game or movie. Those are ok as long as you follow the rule of three and you make sure it doesn’t turn into something the mentee expects. 

Your presence is enough. Obviously this is assuming basic needs are being provided, the best gift you can give your mentee is love and relationship. 
--Please follow @youcanmentor on social media and give us a 5 star rating! If you are a part of a mentoring organization, we'd love to get to know you! Please reach out to us and we can spotlight your org on the pod or on our website. 
Contact us at zach@youcanmentor.com or at www.youcanmentor.com.