Criminalia Shondaland Audio

Many patent medicines may have done more harm than good -- or at the very least, nothing at all -- and we’ve been talking about a good many of them so far this season. Ingredients in patent medicines were unregulated and manufacturers weren’t required to list ingredients on the label. Most didn’t help your problem, but there were several products that originated in that era that we still use to this day, believe it or not, although these modern versions typically don’t include exactly the same ingredients as their predecessors – which is often a good thing – and many are no longer claim to be cure-alls – which, too, is a good thing.  Let’s talk about a few of those patent medicine products that have persisted over the years. 
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Getting yourself a parasitic buddy will help you lose weight; the idea here is that the tapeworm lives in your intestines and eats whatever you’re eating, meaning you can go for seconds or thirds without feeling guilty about any of the calories. Doesn’t sound so bad, right? Until the tapeworm part, that is. Tapeworms shouldn’t be inside your body unless it’s by accident, but if you lived in Victorian England, you might have intentionally swallowed one for weight loss.
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“It’s the Hair – not the Hat That Makes a Woman Attractive,” read one ad for the Seven Sutherland Sisters’ scalp cleaner. Sisters Sarah, Victoria, Isabella, Grace, Naomi, Dora, and Mary Sutherland were performers who sang and played instruments, but what the crowds came to see was their hair; primarily because there was, collectively, 37 feet of it. By 1880, they were billed as the "Seven Wonders" – and just four years later, their patent hair tonic had made them a fortune. This is a Victorian rags-to-riches story. Well, it’s more of a rags-to-riches-to-rags story. As it goes.

 
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In 1946, R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company launched an ad campaign with the slogan, “More doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette.” Long before Camel cigarettes became the doctor-approved cigarette of choice, at least in advertising, people living with asthma were often instructed to inhale smoke to relieve their symptoms. And that advice was for asthmatic adults – and children. ‘Asthma cigarettes’, as they were called, and related products, weren’t packed full of tobacco, though many did include it; they were, essentially, psychotropic drugs from the nightshade family that people inhaled in hopes of finding respiratory relief. Let's take a look at what kinds of quack – and, to be honest, some not-so-quack – products for asthma before the invention of the modern inhaler.
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By the time he was in his 40s, Perry Davis was an entrepreneur who had tried, unsuccessfully, to start multiple businesses; and those failures had left him $4,500 in debt – roughly more than $160,000 today. In 1839, his bad luck continued when he then became ill with debilitating pain. Seeking even just any little bit of relief, he mixed up a concoction, containing mostly opiates and alcohol – a mix that would later become known around the world as, “Perry Davis’ Vegetable Pain Killer.” And Davis would become known as the guy who trademarked the word, ‘painkiller’.
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John Healy wasn’t a real doctor. Charles Bigelow was never a scout in the United States Army. And, the products they sold weren’t actually based on healing secrets of the Kickapoo people. Yet, the two men made a fortune from their Kickapoo Indian Medicine Company patent medicines – which, while named for them, not a single Kickapoo was involved with the company or its remedies. The story of Healy and Bigelow is one of quackery, lies, native cultural appropriation, and ... wait, did we call out the cultural appropriation? Yes? Well, then, let's talk about this. 
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