Messy Family Podcast : Catholic Conversations on Marriage and Family Mike and Alicia Hernon : Catholic Marriage Parent and Family

The destructive effects of video games are not on boys' cognitive abilities or their reaction times, but on their motivation and their connectedness with the real world.
~Dr. Leonard Sax
Technology can be a blessing or a curse. It can be used for great good and yet it can expose people to grave evil. Helping our children learn how to responsibly navigate the use of technology, especially social media, is one of the immense parenting challenges of our age.  In this podcast, we look at the unique challenges that technology presents to parents and why parents must meet this challenge head-on!  We talk about how to discern your tech use as a family and why just locking down every device is simply not enough.  Like most areas of parenting, we need to first train ourselves and then take the time to train our children.  
KEY TAKEAWAYS:
Don’t be naive. Stay on top of what your kids are watching and what they are engaging with.  It is our responsibility to prepare and guide them. 
Discern your tech use as a person and as a family. Walk them through the seven keys to empower them to make good choices because tech is a powerful gift of God and should be used for good.
Seven keys the church gives us to guide us in using technology
Does it communicate a balanced worldview?
How is the creator's attitude oriented towards the subject?
Does it dignify the human person?
Does it speak the Truth?
Is it inspirational?
Is it done with skill? 
Is it motivated by experience?
Train your children to use it as they grow. Like driving a car, prepare them to use it as they mature and are old enough to use it wisely and virtuously
 
COUPLE DISCUSSION
In what ways have we been blessed by media and technolgy?  How has it helped us? 
How can we discern our media use as a family?  
If our goal is to form our children to become adults who can make good media choices, how and when can we give our children appropriate freedom?  What does that look like for our kids today? 
 
Resources: 
Infinite Bandwidth: Encountering Christ in the Media. By Dr. Eugene Gan
https://www.afterbabel.com/p/algorithms-hijacked-my-generation
https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/article-abstract/2799042
 
https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/are-video-games-and-screens-another-addiction
 
https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2024/03/teen-childhood-smartphone-use-mental-health-effects/677722/?gift=9xPqLPcwLfFbf_nnCRecvKJ-3gklcv6nZX-Hliug6W4&utm_source=copy-link&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=share
 
https://ifstudies.org/blog/is-your-son-addicted-to-video-games
 

“We can only see our spouse clearly when we look at Jesus first.” - Dan Lawson
 
Summary In this podcast, we tackle some hard issues in marriage.  What makes couples believe that they need to get divorced?  Why is it essential for couples to have a vision for their individual lives and for their marriage?  What is the pattern in successful marriages that we can emulate?  We even talk about what to say to a person who tells you they are getting a divorce - a very difficult and sensitive topic, but one that we have to discuss.  Dan Lawson is a Catholic therapist who takes a solution-focused approach with his clients, as opposed to “problem-focused” approach.  This means that instead of looking only at what is going wrong in a relationship, he asks questions and guides clients to look at what is going right.  This hopeful approach helps spouses to encounter their own goodness which is where you need to start to create a pattern of mutual admiration, one of the hallmarks of a successful marriage.  Listen into this essential conversation! 
 
Key Takeaways Divorce is a sin against hope.  It says “I can’t change.  They can’t change.”  
The goal of life is not the perfect marriage, the goal is holiness. We need to start first by looking at Jesus and pursuing holiness in our own lives.  Then our marriage can improve. 
It is essential that each of us look first at what we are doing right in our marriages and in our lives.  When we can see and affirm that, then we can do more of that and “starve” out the negativity.
Every person needs to ask themselves the question, “Who do I want to be at the end of my life?”  We need to have a vision for our lives and live that way in our marriages.
Establishing a pattern of admiration and trust is key to building a life-long, life-giving marriage. Most spouses struggle to communicate their needs and their feelings. 
 
Couple Discussion Questions What is my vision for my life?  Who do I want to be at the end of my life? 
How has my spouse loved me this year?  What are some of our greatest accomplishments together?
“The goal of life is not the perfect marriage, the goal is holiness”  What are my thoughts on this?
 

It’s easier to be patient after we come to realize how patient our
Heavenly Father is with us.
 
Why is it so hard for parents to be patient with their children?  People who thought they were good and normal adults find themselves tearing their hair out over the things done by a child half their size and a fraction of their age!  One thing we tell parents over and over is that parenting is supposed to change you.  It is supposed to form you.  It is supposed to be challenging, so if you are struggling, that is OK!  But we do have some tips for you and some stories that we hope will help change your perspective on growing in this essential virtue for moms and dads.  
 
Key Takeaways:
If you are impatient with your children you are normal!  Lean in and allow yourself to be changed as you grow in virtue
Children need adults to slow down and give them time to do things by themselves
Parenting takes alot of time!  Lessons need to be taught over and over.  There is no magic bullet.  Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint.
We can learn to be patient by first realizing how patient God is with us.  We are disobedient, messy kids but our Father teaches us the same lessons over and over
 
Couple Discussion: 
How would you rate your patience on a scale of 1-10?  How would you rate your spouse?  Discuss this.  
What lessons in your life has God had to teach you over and over?  How has God been patient with you? 
Which one of your children do you find it most difficult to be patient with and why?  Which of your children to you find it easiest to be patient with?  How can you learn from this?
 

“I now am taking this kinswoman of mine, not because of lust, but with sincerity.  Grant that she and I may find mercy and that we may grow old together.” Tobit 8:7
 
Summary Physical intimacy between spouses is a topic that is difficult to talk about, but one that is absolutely essential in Catholic circles.  You see, Satan’s plan is for people to have as much sex as possible BEFORE they are married and as little sex as possible AFTER they are married!  These lies and confusion need to be addressed in a way that is respectful but also practical for married couples.  In this podcast, we welcome Ellen Holloway of Vines in Full Bloom, a ministry dedicated to helping women and couples experience a joyful, satisfying sexual relationship within marriage. We discuss sexual pleasure, the different ways that men and women handle stress, the relationship between sex and prayer, the difference between “anticipatory” and “escalatory” foreplay,  and what to do when your libido is completely gone.  There is a wealth of valuable information for husbands and wives to hear and then discuss with each other.  Listen in and join the conversation! 

 
Key Takeaways Part of foreplay is being aware of your spouse throughout the day and letting them know you are thinking of them. 
Being joyful in marriage means you have a willingness to build intimacy through unity with your spouse.  
If you have no desire for sex at all at the moment, ask yourself, “What AM I willing to do?”
No one should accept zero libido as a lifestyle. That is not normal. 
There are many similarities between how we view prayer and how we view sexual relations with our spouse.  We should be continually learning in both. 
Our Heavenly Father made sexual relations to be pleasurable because He loves us and wants us to be happy.  Sometimes we don’t accept how overly generous our Father is! 
 
Couple Discussion Questions Take 5-10 min daily for a week to discuss sex with each other.  
How often do we discuss our sex life?  What is holding us back from having this conversation? 
Do I believe sex is a sacred gift from God? Why or why not?  
 
Resources Charting Toward Intimacy podcast
www.vinesinfullbloom.com
Physical Intimacy download from MFP website. https://messyfamilyproject.org/guide/physical-intimacy/

Parenting is not an inborn skill. It is something that we learn over time from trial and error and with help from others. 
 
Summary Over the past 28 years raising our 10 kids we have made a lot of mistakes, but also learned from them!  In this podcast, we go over 12 tips that we have found make a big difference in the life of a family.  They are principles that we live by and how we have gotten where we are today.  None of them are rocket science - but they are things you may not have thought of before or realized how essential they are.  We have released this podcast before, but now we have a new perspective since our kids are older and now we have grandkids.  The great thing is, we have found that these tips still work!  As you listen, make sure that you choose 1 or 2 things that you want to implement in your lives starting this week.  Don’t try to do everything! Small changes over time have the biggest impact.  Listen in and join the conversation!  
 
Key Takeaways It is not your job to make your children into saints.  It is their job to make YOU into a saint!
You are irreplaceable.  Your children will only ever have ONE mom and ONE dad.  No one can do for your child what you can do. 
Your children cannot be the center of your family.  They are part of a community.  
Love requires boundaries.  But at the same time, remember that rules without relationship breeds rebellion.  
Children need to be taught everything.  They don’t know the words to say to be respectful, or the way to respond when you ask them to do something.  Do not be surprised when they don’t do what you want right away.  Your job is to teach them.  
 
Couple Discussion Questions Do I find it easy or hard to embrace my authority as a parent?  Do I recognize my unique place in the life of my child?  How would I articulate my role? 
How do I feel about my child making me into a saint?  What are ways I see them teaching me how to be less selfish? 
Do we have a plan for discipline? Are we on the same page?  Where do we disagree?
 

Summary Most of us rarely have an opportunity to sit down and talk to a priest, let alone a bishop!  We were so blessed to have a conversation with not just a bishop, but an archbishop and one who loves the Lord, loves families, and who leads with the heart of a shepherd.  Join us as we talk to Archbishop Naumann of Kansas City who shares his story of growing up without a father and how his mother and family gave him the stability and security he needed to flourish and become the man God called him to be.  He provides insights to families in our conversation along with a good dose of humor and practical encouragement.  
Key Takeaways Family stability and security are essential for children to flourish and fulfill their God-given potential, as Archbishop Naumann's own upbringing exemplifies.
Archbishop Naumann emphasizes the importance of love, faith, and commitment within families as foundational elements for building strong communities and societies.
Practical encouragement and humor are valuable tools in navigating the challenges and joys of family life, as shared by Archbishop Naumann during the conversation.
Couple Discussion Questions How can we emulate the stability and security that Archbishop Naumann experienced in his upbringing within our own family dynamic?
In what ways can we prioritize love, faith, and commitment within our family to strengthen our bonds and contribute positively to our community?
How can we incorporate humor and practical encouragement into our family life to navigate challenges and foster a spirit of joy and resilience?
Reflecting on Archbishop Naumann's insights, what changes or adjustments can we make to our family routines or habits to better reflect our values and priorities?
What lessons or inspirations can we take from Archbishop Naumann's story to enhance our own journey as spouses and parents?