Connection Questions - What to Ask Your Teens to Inspire Good Thinking In the Middle of It with Amy Kelly, The Ish Girl

Why Use Connection Questions?
What would it look like if you could meaningfully connect with your teens whenever you wanted to?
It’s an intriguing question isn’t it, whether you’re a teacher or a parent.
How about this one:
What would it look like for the teens in your life to come visit you in twenty years and tell you what an impact you made on them?
I don’t know about you, but questions like that grab me in the gut and make my mind race, imagining the possibilities.
Now, pay attention to what’s happening in your brain when I ask this:
What was the name of the actress of your favorite movie in high school?
Is your mind shuffling through your memories, trying to remember that favorite movie and who starred in it? Or did you know the answer right off the bat?
Either way, your brain was triggered by the QUESTION, and went to work right away.
That is because QUESTIONS have power. When you figure out which ones to ask – especially with your teens – you have an unlimited capacity for influencing and connecting.
The Power of Connection Questions
But before we get to that lofty goal, let me explain WHY connection questions pack such a punch.
It has everything to do with the brain, and what happens when it receives a question. First, you need to know that, according to author David Hoffeld, “. . . science has proven that [questions are] an effective tool for strengthening connections between people and gaining influence.”
He also shares that “Questions trigger a mental reflex known as “instinctive elaboration.” When a question is posed, it takes over the brain’s thought process. And when your brain is thinking about the answer to a question, it can’t contemplate anything else.”
In addition, innovator and strategist Neil Cooper writes, “We are hardwired to at least think of a response to the question . . . and we instinctively want to help. Our rational mind might . . . decide that we won’t respond or choose not to offer a constructive response. We might have been socially conditioned not to engage with the questioner (ever been asked for a charity donation in the street?). But our thoughts have already been shaped by the question being asked.” 
You may be asking, “So what?” [See what I did there – hah!]
Here’s why it matters for connecting with and influencing teens – even if they aren’t able to answer your question – or if they refuse to – their brains are still at work trying to answer it.
That means, whether you’re asking about their day, or questioning them about the choice they just made, their response doesn’t matter as much as the fact that you’re prompting them to think about it.
Guidelines for Great Connection Questions
Here are a few guidelines and examples for asking great connection questions:
Make them open-ended (no yes/no options) Stay away from “Why” – it indicates judgement. Use “What” questions. Examples: What is it that’s keeping you from . . . ? What would it look like if . . .? What would help you . . .? What can I do that would be most helpful for you? Craft your questions to fit the circumstances – evaluate what information they can share that would be the most helpful. (For instance, understanding “why” your teen won’t stop talking in class might not be as important as having them answer “what would it look like for you to show respect to your classmates?” or “what can I do to help you make better choices?”) Asking your teen questions is the first step to connecting – and obviously, we want to use questions to open our teens up, rather than grilling them like they’re under an inquisition.
After Connection Questions
Here are some guidelines on what to do AFTER you’ve asked your great connection questions.
Don’t just ask the questions – ACTIVELY LISTEN when your teen responds Use non-verbal cues like eye contact, nodding, and leaning forward Don’t interrupt – listen to understand