Rewilding Love Angus & Rohini Ross

Meet Alicia and Mateo, the couple in crisis who we’ll be following for the first season. Alicia was devastated when Mateo presented her with divorce papers. She wondered how they got to this point. Seven years ago, they were saying “I love you” on their first date. Mateo thought marriage would fix all of their problems, but now he feels like he’s made the biggest mistake of his life. Can Rohini and Angus help them rewild the love that is underneath the hurt and anger? And even if they do, will they stay together?

A lesson emerges that all couples can benefit from, we are not responsible for our partner’s experience. Embodying levity and depth, Angus and Rohini begin the journey of pointing to the innate love, harmony, and well-being that is already present in all people and all relationships.
 
This episode explores:
How Alicia and Mateo met.The impact of mood on state of mind and how what we see through the lens of a low mood can’t be trusted.Flipping the paradigm: we are not responsible for our partner’s experience, and there’s immense freedom in seeing that.Angus and Rohini’s inspiration for the podcast.What it means to “rewild relationships.”How Mateo uses the threat of divorce to try and effect change, but he feels ambivalent about going through with it, leaving room for hope and possibility.The perils of falling into a victim mindset in relationships.Feeling unappreciated is a common theme couples experience.Podcast music: Rewilding Love features the music of RhythmPharm with Los Angeles based Master drummer, multi-instrumentalist, and composer Greg Ellis, born and raised in the Bay Area.

These 100% organic soundscapes are designed to tune, invigorate, calm, balance, nourish, activate, and clarify one’s mind, body, and soul. RhythmPharm helps one to Listen Differently.

Ep. 1 includes selections from: Violet/Balance; Yellow/Clarity; Green/Growth

Show Notes:
Last chance saloon: Phrase comes from a saloon in Caldwell City, Kansas built-in 1869. It was called that because it was the last place to buy a legal alcoholic drink before passing into "Indian country" where the possession and sale of alcohol were forbidden.

Hunky Dory: The least exotic theory of all, but almost certainly the true clue, traces hunky-dory" to the archaic American slang word "hunk," meaning "safe," from the Dutch word "honk," meaning "goal," or "home" in a game. To achieve "hunk" or "hunky" in a child's game was to make it "home" and win the game. Hunky Dory is also the fourth studio album by English singer-songwriter David Bowie, released December 17, 1971, by RCA Records.

Rewilding Video:  How Wolves Change Rivers
Feedback: info@therewilders.org

Angus & Rohini Ross are “The Rewilders.” They love working with couples and helping them to reduce conflict and discord in their relationships. They co-facilitate individualized couples' intensives that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is the author of the ebook Marriage, and they are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilding Community. You can also follow Angus and Rohini Ross on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about their work visit: TheRewilders.org.

The blame game is in full effect as Alicia and Mateo each have their very separate realities and see the other party as wrong. Mateo blames Alicia’s temper for his habit of shutting down, and Alicia blows up when she feels like she’s the only responsible one in the relationship or the only one who cares. Their lack of empathy and understanding about the other person's point of view results in their polarization. This wedge between them helps them stay convinced that the other’s behavior is the cause of their suffering -- can Rohini and Angus help them find understanding?

From narrow and self-focused perspectives, Alicia and Mateo justify their actions. From this state of mind, their thinking is distorted and they can’t see the whole picture. As they move toward more open-minded and open-hearted feelings, they gain the opportunity to see each other differently.  Once they arrive in this space of greater trust, they access a more well-rounded perspective. The quality of their relationship actually reflects the quality of their individual states of mind.

This episode explores:
The current status of Alicia and Mateo’s relationship.How Alicia and Mateo tell the tale of two different relationships.How a desire to protect optics in the face of friends and family can get in the way of being honest about what they are going through.How challenging it is for the relationship when both people feel discouraged.The importance of each person in the relationship having their own insight and transformation.The important role that the individual state of mind plays in order to open up to new possibilities.Initial sessions with Alicia and Mateo to begin hearing both sides.How common it is, and how detrimental it is, to keep a laundry list of woes.How many couples play the blame game.The challenges associated with volatility in relationships.How painful a lack of understanding can be.The negative impact of judgment in relationships.Podcast music: Rewilding Love features the music of RhythmPharm with Los Angeles based Master drummer, multi-instrumentalist, and composer Greg Ellis, born and raised in the Bay Area.

Ep. 2 includes selections from Violet/Balance and Blue/Calm

Show Notes:
Agent provocateur: one employed to associate with suspected persons and by pretending sympathy with their aims to incite them to some incriminating action. Also a British lingerie retailer.

Wood for the trees: If someone can't see the wood for the trees in British English, or can't see the forest for the trees in American English, they are very involved in the details of something and so they do not notice what is important about the thing as a whole.

Feedback: info@therewilders.org

Angus & Rohini Ross are “The Rewilders.” They love working with couples and helping them to reduce conflict and discord in their relationships. They work with couples who are struggling and couples who would like to deepen the love and intimacy they already have. They co-facilitate individualized couples' intensives that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is the author of the ebook Marriage, and they are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilding Community. You can also follow Angus and Rohini Ross on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about their work visit: TheRewilders.org

Though Alicia and Mateo are on guard with each other, Rohini and Angus begin to explore the deeper feelings of love and wellbeing present in both of them. Mateo vacillates between the loving feelings in his heart and the pestering thoughts in his mind, as Angus helps surface a glimmer of Mateo’s true feelings for Alicia. Alicia expresses her admiration for who Mateo is as a person -- she wishes he saw himself the way she sees him. Can they start to trust their wisdom over their judgments?  

As Alicia and Mateo struggle to find common ground, Angus and Rohini support them in recognizing the seeds of love that are still present and ready to be rewilded. 

This episode explores:
How Alicia and Mateo’s experiences are subjective and a reflection of their mood in the moment, not the other person.How both Alicia and Mateo feel justified in their positions and decide the other person is responsible for their suffering.Finding the seeds of love in the relationship and bringing them into focus to support the rewilding of love.How Alicia and Mateo need to remember what love looks like and to arrive at seeing where there is still love in the relationship, rather than focus on what's not working.What is going to help Alicia and Mateo find common ground?Inner wisdom always points us toward love.Holding space for the innate wisdom, well-being, and love in each of us to unfold.The importance of where you are coming from when entering a conversation.How it is easy to make up our own story about what is going on with the other person when there is a lack of communication.Helping them to see that the other person isn't responsible for their suffering by looking at where their experience really comes from so that they can feel more empowered and less victimized in the relationship.Podcast music: Rewilding Love features the music of RhythmPharm with Los Angeles based Master drummer, multi-instrumentalist, and composer Greg Ellis, born and raised in the Bay Area.

Ep. 3 includes selections from: Violet/Balance; Blue/Calm; Orange/Nourishment; Yellow/Clarity.

Show Notes:
What Is the Difference Between a Crevice and a Crevasse?
The difference between a crevice and a crevasse is more than just a few letters. It’s the difference between geology and glaciology. While both terms come from the Anglo-French word crevace, to break, they mean two different things. Crevices are cracks or splits caused by a fracture of a rock, while a crevasse is a deep fracture in a glacier or ice sheet.

Stalker: Can refer to still-hunting, which involves moving as slowly, quietly, and inconspicuously as possible, so you will see the deer before it sees you. Or you know, more commonly can refer to a person who harasses someone with unwanted and obsessive attention.

Feedback: info@therewilders.org

Angus & Rohini Ross are “The Rewilders.” They love working with couples and helping them to reduce conflict and discord in their relationships. They co-facilitate individualized couples' intensives that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is the author of the ebook Marriage, and they are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilding Community. You can also follow Angus and Rohini Ross on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about their work visit: TheRewilders.org.

Alicia has an insight about not taking things personally. Luckily, she already has examples in her life where she feels immune to what Mateo says to her, and seeing that she doesn’t always take what he says personally allows her to see her own role in her reactivity. Rohini helps guide Alicia toward the truth of where her experience is always coming from, that we can only ever feel our own thinking, not circumstances. Together they explore how not being impacted by someone else’s behavior is empowering, not passive.

Alicia begins to view her reactivity as a common denominator in other relationships as well, which helps her embrace the idea of waiting for a calm mind before responding to Mateo. The Rewilders teach the couple about how emotions move through us, so even though they are coming from within, they are not another thing to try and control. Instead, we can treat our feelings like the weather and ride them out.

This episode explores:
The personal vs. the impersonalThe power of not taking things personallyHow feelings act as a guide to our state of mind at any momentBehavior is a reflection of the other person’s state of mind, which has nothing to do with usGaining compassion for our partner when they’re in a low moodThe way to decrease volatility in relationshipsConnecting with our own inner peace regardless of our partnerWe experience what we are identifying with in our own mind, not circumstancesUnderstanding our experiences come from within is liberatingEmotions move through us like the weather, we can wait until we feel more settled to actPodcast music: Rewilding Love features the music of RhythmPharm with Los Angeles based Master drummer, multi-instrumentalist, and composer Greg Ellis, born and raised in the Bay Area.

Ep. 4 includes selections from: Violet/Balance; Blue/Calm; Orange/Nourishment; Yellow/Clarity

Show notes
Cad and a bounder: Old fashioned, British phrase for saying a man is acting in an unkind, deceitful, or selfish way.

North American irony: Angus questions whether this exists.

Feedback: info@therewilders.org

Angus & Rohini Ross are “The Rewilders.” They love working with couples and helping them to reduce conflict and discord in their relationships. They co-facilitate individualized couples' intensives that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is the author of the ebook Marriage, and they are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilding Community. You can also follow Angus and Rohini Ross on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about their work visit: TheRewilders.org.

Mateo reveals that he does in fact want the relationship to work, but only if Alicia changes. Angus points Mateo toward the fact that his experience is created from within, independent of Alicia, and that ultimately she cannot touch his wellbeing. Mateo is reluctant but is starting to see the role that his mood plays in how he interprets Alicia’s actions.

Angus points out that Mateo is a deep-thinker, which can be a great thing, except when used against oneself. Mateo can see how his over-analysis, and painful thinking, is begetting more painful thinking that’s leading him to shut himself down in the presence of Alicia. He wants to feel more free, to be able to come home and kiss Alicia and talk about their day, but he thinks by opening that door, he leaves himself vulnerable to Alicia wreaking havoc on his mood. Now that he’s beginning to see where his experience is coming from, there is a glimmer of hope that Mateo might open himself up again in the relationship.

This episode explores:
The futility of trying to change someone else. This leads to hostility and resentment.The impact of state of mind on our experience.Righteousness doesn't allow room for understanding.The power of recognizing you feel the thoughts you identify with.One person in a couple making a shift can create change within the relationship.We can be victimized by our own habitual thoughts.The nature of thought is to settle, the mind is designed to return to peace.Suffering is chronic and continuous when we identify with low mood thinking.Recognizing when we can trust our thinking is a game-changer.Angus reveals his own misunderstanding when he and Rohini first adopted their dog.Podcast music: Rewilding Love features the music of RhythmPharm with Los Angeles based Master drummer, multi-instrumentalist, and composer Greg Ellis, born and raised in the Bay Area.

Ep. 5 includes selections from: Violet/Balance; Blue/Calm; Orange/Nourishment; Yellow/Clarity.

Show notes

Viktor Frankl: An author, neurologist, psychiatrist, and Holocaust survivor who wrote "Man's Search for Meaning".
Tale of woe: a sad story; a list of personal problems; an excuse for failing to do something.
Funfair: British way of referring to a fair.

Feedback: info@therewilders.org
Angus & Rohini Ross are “The Rewilders.” They love working with couples and helping them to reduce conflict and discord in their relationships. They co-facilitate individualized couples' intensives that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is the author of the ebook Marriage, and they are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilding Community. You can also follow Angus and Rohini Ross on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about their work visit: TheRewilders.org.

Alicia reveals to Rohini that she felt completely blindsided by Mateo's unhappiness in their relationship. She blames Mateo and struggles to examine her own role in the status of the relationship. Rohini helps Alicia to let go of judgments that create the experience of shame for her so she can peel back the layers of denial and see how her reactivity has been pushing Mateo away. 

With her guard down, Alicia begins to explore her inner experience and how her own emotions, not Mateo's, can give her warning signals regarding her state of mind, and her need to take care of herself when her mood drops. Rohini explains how having the understanding that our internal experience is created from within, doesn't mean behaviors can't change, but shifts in behavior result from internal shifts in understanding and are much more likely when there is goodwill in the relationship. 

Alicia experiences greater freedom when she realizes she is not responsible for what Mateo is feeling. If she can stop working so hard trying not upset him, she'll reduce the resentment that has built up from all that hard work not going anywhere. By realizing she's not responsible, she can eliminate the feeling of walking on eggshells, and contribute to creating a feeling of goodwill in the relationship. Not feeling guilty and responsible, leaves a person feeling more open-hearted.

This episode explores:
A shift in understanding is necessary for behavioral change.It is okay to be on the learning curve of navigating difficult emotions.Self-care is the first priority when experiencing upset.We all live in separate realities - life looks different through our separate lensesSeeing psychological innocence in others helps reduce blame and resentment. We are all only ever doing our best given how we see things.Shifting the focus from blame to seeing the role of state of mind in relationships.Show notes
Tenderization: A new coaching term Angus has created to describe one's guard coming down.
Hot potato: A party game that involves players gathering in a circle and tossing a small object such as a beanbag or even a real potato to each other while music plays. The player who is holding the object when the music stops is eliminated.
Carte blanche: Complete freedom to act as one wishes or thinks best.
Teflon: A brand of non-stick pans, i.e. being immune to someone else's reactivity.

Podcast music
Rewilding Love features the music of RhythmPharm with Los Angeles based Master drummer, multi-instrumentalist, and composer Greg Ellis, born and raised in the Bay Area. Episode 6 includes selections from: Violet/Balance; Blue/Calm; Orange/Nourishment; Yellow/Clarity.

Feedback: info@therewilders.org

Angus & Rohini Ross are “The Rewilders.” They love working with couples and helping them to reduce conflict and discord in their relationships. They co-facilitate individualized couples' intensives that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is the author of the ebook Marriage, and they are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilding Community. You can also follow Angus and Rohini Ross on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about their work visit: TheRewilders.org.