Boundaries Queen Victoria Priya, LCSW

Of the four primary boundaries, the sexual boundary is the most controversial and the one that people have the most opinions about. In today’s episode, I want to simplify this messy, complicated topic so you can more easily implement your own healthy sexual boundaries. 
Sexual boundaries are non-negotiable. No one gets to decide whether or how they touch you sexually without your permission—and you get to decide what you consider sexual. It’s up to you to decide which of your body parts you consider to be sexual, for example, and what you define as sexual activities. Your sexual boundaries are absolutely influenced by your value system, but ultimately you get to make your own decisions.

 
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #14:
Your sexual boundaries are your physical body as you engage in sexual activity (with yourself or with another person), the specific parts of your body that you consider to be sexual, and activities with another person that you define as sexual.
When sexual boundaries are operating well, you decide with whom, how, when, and where you’re sexual. You don’t touch another person sexually without their permission. You have the ability and freedom to refrain from or engage in sexual activity with another person.
Receiving a “no” can be painful, but it’s never personal. Another person’s “no” is always about them, never about the person receiving that “no.”

Highlights from Episode #14:
Victoria welcomes listeners to this episode, the second in a series about the four primary boundaries, and recaps points from last week that are relevant to all boundaries. [00:31]
We hear some definitions of sexual boundaries. [05:28]
What do functional sexual boundaries look like? [07:40]
Victoria explains why sexual boundaries are so controversial and difficult to talk about. [09:40]
We learn about the value of getting clear about your value system when it comes to sexual behavior. [14:36]
Victoria talks about protecting others with your sexual boundaries, and accepting another person’s “no.” [16:27]
Honoring someone else’s boundary creates freedom and spaciousness. [20:23]
Victoria talks about what broken sexual boundaries look like, starting with demanding sex. [23:43]
Ignoring another person’s “no” is another boundary violation, as is engaging in inappropriate sexual conversation. [25:42]
Exposing another person to unwanted sexual experiences is another violation, as is touching another person without their permission. [28:33]
Victoria reiterates that your sexual decisions and preferences are your right. She then discusses another boundary violation: talking about another person’s body. [31:30]
Refusing to give somebody privacy is another boundary violation. [34:02]
Victoria talks about claiming a right to another person’s body. [35:28]
Victoria wraps up the episode with a sneak peek of a coming conversation with a colleague about sexual boundaries. She invites listeners to learn more about the sexual boundary in her new book Personal Boundaries for Dummies, and to subscribe to the show. [38:52]
 
Links and Resources:
Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
Victoria Priya
6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook
Boundaries Queen Podcast Episode 13: Physical Boundaries: Protecting Your Body and Your Belongings
 

There are four primary boundaries: the physical boundary, the sexual boundary, the speaking/talking boundary, and the listening boundary. Today’s episode is the first in a four-part series in which I’ll cover each of these boundaries in turn. Before digging into the physical boundary in detail, though, I’ll cover some basics of these primary boundaries in general, so don’t miss this episode.
One deeply important point that I’ll cover but want to reiterate here is that physical boundaries are non-negotiable; a “no” is a “no.” This applies both to you and to other people, meaning that other people need to respect your boundaries around respecting your personal space and touching you and your belongings, and you need to do the same for them. Keep in mind that this applies to everyone—yes, even your relatives or your spouse.
 
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #13:
Boundaries from all four of the primary categories are doing one of two things: protecting yourself from someone or something else, or protecting another person from you.
We each experience the four primary boundaries on a continuum reaching from not having enough of that boundary (meaning you’re unprotected or too vulnerable) to having too much of that boundary or too many boundaries (meaning you’re too protected or figuratively behind a wall). When your boundaries are in balance, you know how to feel protected and be appropriately vulnerable at the same time.
You are the one who gets to decide how close you want to be to other people physically. When your physical boundaries are operating well, you let others know how close they can get to you physically and you determine the access they have to your physical belongings—and respect the same from them.



Highlights from Episode #13:
Welcome to this episode, which is all about physical boundaries. Victoria shares some recommendations for how to proceed if this is your first episode. [00:31]
This is the first episode in a four-part series about the primary boundaries. [03:57]
Victoria offers some information that applies to all four of the primary boundaries, and shares a personal example of how boundaries can protect others from you. [06:08]
We learn that the four primary boundaries are experienced on a continuum. [10:33]
Victoria explains that the boundaries continuum would look like an oval rather than a straight line. [13:56]
We hear examples to illustrate how someone can be on two ends of the continuum for the same boundary. [16:42]
Victoria starts the explanation specifically around physical boundaries. [18:06]
What does it look like when you’re protecting others with your physical boundaries? [22:28]
Physical (and sexual) boundaries being non-negotiable is true even with a spouse. [24:16]
Victoria talks about separation and divorce, and how they relate to your physical boundary. [26:03]
We hear some examples of what physical boundary violations or broken physical boundaries look like. [29:06]
Victoria recaps the points she has covered today and mentions that you can get information about all four primary boundaries in her new book Personal Boundaries for Dummies[31:19]
 
Links and Resources:
Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
Victoria Priya
6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook
Boundaries Queen Podcast Episode 7: Step 1: Start With Knowing What Isn’t Working
Boundaries Queen Podcast Episode 1: Getting Started With Boundaries
Beyond Bitchy Podcast
Beyond Bitchy Podcast three-part “Listening Boundary” series: 
The Listening Boundary Part 1
The Listening Boundary Part 2 (How It Works)
The Listening Boundary Part 3: High Quality Listening = Higher Quality Responses
 

If you’ve been following along with the six-step boundaries clarifier process, you’ve already created a boundary and taken action. But there’s still one more step: evaluating how things went to see what (if anything) went wrong and whether you need to work through the process again.
Resolving any problems that occurred during the boundary-setting process involves identifying the reason why things went wrong. In this episode, I’ll go over various types of problems (from unsuccessful boundary creation to broken agreements) and offer guidance on how to move forward from each of them.
 
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #12:
This step isn’t always necessary. If you had the power to create a boundary and did so successfully, or created an agreement successfully, you’re done!
If you were unsuccessful because you didn’t follow through or successfully create an agreement, the solution is simple: recommit to taking the action in step 5. Telling someone else what you intend to do may help, because it creates accountability.
If the problem resulted from a misunderstood agreement between you and another person, the solution is to revise and review your agreements, ensuring that they’re clear, specific, and measurable. For example, instead of agreeing to save “more money,” specify a dollar amount.



Highlights from Episode #12:
Victoria welcomes listeners to the sixth and final episode in the series about the 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier process. [00:31]
We hear a quick recap of the first five steps of the process, and learn that step six, the subject of this episode, isn’t always necessary. [01:51]
Victoria offers some examples of reasons why a boundary may not be successful. [04:25]
The first solution relates to boundaries in which you didn’t follow through successfully in step 5. [06:19]
What if you thought you had a clear agreement, but the other person had a different understanding? [09:18]
Victoria talks about what to do if there’s an unsuccessful boundary when one or both people broke an agreement. [11:58]
We learn about how to handle simple situations of the other person having no buy-in to the agreement they made. [15:43]
Victoria sums up the four options for what to do when a boundary isn’t successful, and talks about why you may choose to do nothing. [16:46]
Ask yourself these three questions before you decide to do nothing after an unsuccessful boundary or a broken agreement. [19:55]
We hear three pro tips for working through this step. [22:04]
Victoria sums up the topics she has covered today and invites listeners to follow the show to get notified about new episodes, and to check out her new book Personal Boundaries for Dummies. [23:28]
 
Links and Resources:
Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
Victoria Priya
6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook
Boundaries Queen Podcast Episode 7: Step 1: Start With Knowing What Isn’t Working
Boundaries Queen Podcast Episode 8: Step 2: Get Clear about Your Reality
Pia Mellody
 

If you’ve been following along through these episodes, you may be both excited and nervous to hear that now, in step 5, it’s time to take action based on everything you’ve worked through up to this point. 
The options you explored in the previous step directly correlate to the actions possible here—so if you completed step 4 thoroughly, you should already have a pretty good idea of what you’re doing now. But that doesn’t necessarily make it easy, so this episode is all about helping you learn the best ways to follow through and take action.
One big tip I’d like to share is that if you need accountability for this step, which will likely be the case if you know that your next steps are difficult or challenging, you can consider telling someone what you plan to do and that you’ll get back to them once it’s done. This external accountability can be a great way to keep yourself motivated to follow through.

 
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #11:
Your primary tasks in step 5 potentially include making sure you’re clear about what you need to do; ensuring your request is specific, clear, and measurable; setting deadlines; and getting accountability for taking action.
If you need to make a request in this step, keep in mind that a request:
needs to end in a question mark.
must be specific, clear, and measurable.
should avoid telling someone what they should think, say, or do.
Even if you’re powerless to change the situation or person (as identified in step 4), there are still ways you can take action. You might release or let go of the situation, for example, or give serious thought to what is truly within your control, or participate in a practice or ritual to help you let go.

Highlights from Episode #11:
Welcome to the eleventh episode of the show! This is the fifth episode in a six-part series about the 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier process. [00:31]
Victoria explains the primary tasks of this step of the process. [04:38]
We learn how to get started with step 5, which follows closely from step 4. [07:12]
Victoria talks about how to proceed if you identified the first option (having the power to create the outcome you want) or the second option (needing help to get the outcome you want) in the previous step. [08:58]
The third option from the previous step required making a request of another person. Victoria explores this option in more detail. [10:30]
Victoria returns to the case study of Uncle Joe as she discusses making a request. [13:13]
We hear an example of a very clear request in the Uncle Joe case study. [16:35]
The third best practice for requests involves avoiding telling the other person specific things. [18:43]
Victoria discusses the fourth and final option from step 4 (being powerless). [19:59]
We hear a quick recap of the options in this step. [22:21]
Victoria gives two pro tips for working through this step. [23:16]
Today’s episode covered how to take action to create a boundary based on the previous steps of the process. Remember to tune in next week to learn how to evaluate your results, and subscribe to avoid missing an episode. [25:02]
 
Links and Resources:
Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
Victoria Priya
6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook
Boundaries Queen Podcast Episode 7: Step 1: Start With Knowing What Isn’t Working
Boundaries Queen Podcast Episode 1: Getting Started With Boundaries
 

As you work toward achieving the outcome you want for the situation or event you identified in step 1 of the boundaries clarifier process, it’s crucial to figure out where your power lies—and that’s exactly what I’ll guide you through in today’s episode.
As you’ll learn today, there are four main options for where your power lies in this process. Ultimately, there’s very little that’s fully within your circle of control, and misunderstanding this can lead you to try to take control of things you don’t have power over (like other people), resulting in unnecessary conflict and tension. 
Keep in mind as you work through this step and choose the best-fitting option that as you go through this process, you should end up feeling a sense of confidence, empowerment, freedom, and relief. In other words, please don’t choose an option that leaves you feeling bitter, resentful, or like a victim! It’s normal for more than one of the four options to be possible, and in this episode, I’ll guide you through figuring out which one is the best for you and your situation.

 
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #10:
Things in your circle of control include how you manage your health, what you eat, how much sleep and exercise you get, how you care for your possessions, how much time you spend with people or alone, how much money you spend, and how you parent your children.
If you overestimate your circle of control, you might tell another adult what to do, or inform someone that they’re going to do something because it’s your boundary. If you underestimate what you can control, you might not create a boundary that you have the power to create. Both of these misunderstandings of your control are problematic.
There are four options in step 4. Your job in this step is to choose the option that has the highest likelihood of getting you the outcome that you want. Here are the four options:
You have the power to create the outcome you want.
You need help to create an outcome.
You need to make a request.
You are powerless in the situation.
 
Highlights from Episode #10:
Victoria welcomes listeners to the fourth episode in a six-part series about the 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier process. [00:31]
We hear a recap and review of the first three steps of the process. [02:01]
Understanding where you have power is crucial to the success of your boundary work. [07:05]
Victoria talks about the problems that come with not understanding the limits of your power and what you have control over. [09:37]
We learn what happens when you don’t see your own power. [12:36]
There are four options in this step. Victoria explains what they are and gives examples. [14:33]
What if more than one of the four options might work for you? [18:46]
Victoria returns to the case study of Uncle Joe, which she has been using through the last several episodes to illustrate the process. [20:01]
We hear about powerlessness, the last of the four options in this step. [25:41]
Victoria gives several pro tips for working through this step. [27:45]
Today we heard about figuring out where you have power in the situation. Victoria briefly mentions what she’ll cover next week, and invites listeners to subscribe to avoid missing an episode. [32:45]
 
Links and Resources:
Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
Victoria Priya
6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook
Boundaries Queen Podcast Episode 7: Step 1: Start With Knowing What Isn’t Working
Boundaries Queen Podcast Episode 1: Getting Started With Boundaries
 

In the first step of my boundary-setting process, you identified a specific situation or event you wanted to address. Today’s episode, which covers the third step in the process, is all about clarifying your needs in regard to that situation, and then identifying the outcome you want. 
As you work through this step, let go of being “realistic.” I want you to brainstorm all sorts of outcomes for the second part of this step, no matter how far-fetched or impractical they might seem, and to allow yourself to imagine exactly what you want. If you’ve worked through this step and you’re still struggling to identify outcomes, I’d love for you to brainstorm with a friend, therapist, or someone who really understands how boundaries work.
 
Biggest Takeaways From Episode #9:
There are two parts involved in step 3:
identifying the needs that aren’t being met with regard to the situation or event you’re working on.
considering and exploring the outcome you want and your vision for how the issue might be resolved. 
To establish an effective boundary, you need to clarify your own needs that aren’t being met. These could be for things like kindness, respect, acceptance, reliability, trust, reciprocity, self-respect, and so on.
The outcome you want might involve creating an agreement with someone—or choosing not to enter into an agreement with them. You might find that the best outcome for you involves limiting your contact or relationship with someone. Importantly, make sure the outcome you want aligns with the nature of the relationship.

Highlights from Episode #9:
Welcome to this episode, the third in a six-part series about Victoria’s boundary-setting system. [00:31]
Victoria explains that there are two parts to step 3, and talks about the first part in detail. [01:54]
We hear about some of the most common needs around relationships. [06:01]
Victoria offers examples of specific situations and the associated needs that might come along with them. [08:20]
The second part of this step is identifying the outcome you want in the situation you’re working on in this boundary-setting process. [10:30]
Victoria lists three guidelines to help you if you get stuck on figuring out the outcome you want or your vision for resolving the issue. [13:59]
If you create an agreement with someone harsh and critical, there are two important points to keep in mind. [17:34]
Victoria brings Uncle Joe, the fictional case study character she invented for step 7, into this episode to continue her explanation of how to work through that situation. [18:40]
We hear about some example potential outcomes for the Uncle Joe situation. [23:32]
Victoria offers some best practices for working through this step. [29:01]
People-dependent outcomes require other people’s participation. [33:24]
Choosing the easiest outcome to achieve is a best practice for this step, as is avoiding vague outcomes. [35:48]
Victoria closes with two pro tips for this step. [38:12]
We hear a quick recap of what Victoria has talked about today, and learn the topic of next week’s episode. Make sure you subscribe to be notified when the next episode is available! [39:13]
 
Links and Resources:
Preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries for Dummies
Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
Victoria Priya
Beyond Bitchy podcast
6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook
Boundaries Queen Podcast Episode 7: Step 1: Start With Knowing What Isn’t Working
Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs