Journey to Grateful Tim Bigonia

An odd thing happens when you lose someone very close to you, who is part of your life every day from morning to night. Whether labeled as a spouse or partner, it's someone whose absence is deeply felt. After their death, you begin to feel that many others don't understand what grief truly is. This might be because they have been fortunate enough not to have experienced it, or perhaps they haven't known this loss. When you stand with grief day after day, you wonder if anyone understands it as you do. I've been fortunate to discover a piece of writing that, in my view, completes the phrase "Grief is..." in an enlightening manner. Join me as I share what I believe grief is.

I've been considering the subject matter for this episode over the past few months, and honestly, I've been hesitant to dive into it. I can't explain, even to myself, why I've kept pushing it off, but somehow, now feels like the right time. Sometimes, the episode topics I examine feel like chores—something you aren't looking forward to and need to be in the right mood and proper mindset to tackle. I suppose that's where I was with this subject, and now I find myself in the right frame of mind to explore it. I suspect this will be an important topic to examine for the benefit of many others, as I know I am not alone in my struggles with redefining what once was "we" and is now simply "me."

Over the past four years as a widower, I have often been asked how I have managed to navigate my grief so well. I honestly don't believe I navigate grief better than most at all. From my perspective, it remains a ball of chaos, both externally and internally, and I feel it will always be that way to some extent. There are three things I believe I do well. First, I focus on living as my wife, Colleen, encouraged me. Second, I try to identify the details of my life for which I should and can be grateful. Third, I set SMART goals for my grief. Specifically, an organized method to set and achieve a goal through a realistic, step-by-step thought process. Let's discuss how setting SMART goals in grief can be a catalyst for walking more successfully with grief while attempting to find a way forward.

As time progresses, we experience moments where we find ourselves being the first. You might be the first to turn 16 and pass your driver's test or a few years out of college; you might be the first among your friends to become engaged or married. These life’s firsts can reveal both positives and negatives. For instance, being the first to buy a house can be thrilling, but getting a coveted driver’s license often means becoming the designated driver for your entire friend group. On the other hand, being the last can have its ups and downs. The last to get a driver’s license might receive very little fanfare since everyone else has already experienced it.
Similarly, what can be said about being the first to experience significant loss or the last in your friend group to do so? Are there positives or negatives involved in these particular firsts and lasts of life? Let's take a moment to delve deeper into this topic and consider any experiences you might have had that highlight the benefits or drawbacks of being first or last in significant life events.

Throughout the journey of this podcast, I've often remarked on the diverse sources from which episode inspiration emerges. Since its launch on April 4, 2021, I have been astounded by the avenues through which inspiration finds me. It might spring from social media, conversations with loved ones, or even the intricate lyrics of a song. Whenever these sparks of inspiration occur, it's as if a dim light in my world suddenly brightens, signaling a message worth sharing. For today's episode, I find myself drawn to a poem that resonates deeply, echoing a theme that has been heard in this podcast since its inception: the enduring nature of grief. This poem is a poignant reminder that grief is a journey without a clear endpoint. Understanding this reality can offer solace and insight, fostering compassion and empathy as we traverse this path with resilience and understanding.

In today's discussion, I want to revisit an earlier episode, Episode #45, titled "What's in Your Cup?" In that episode, I explored the idea that as we journey through our daily lives, we carry within us a multitude of emotions and experiences. Some of what's inside us is fragile or delicate, while others are joyful or satisfying. However, there are moments when the contents of our internal cup spill out, often triggered by life's unexpected challenges. This phenomenon often leads to the typical expression heard in grief: "I don't know why I'm crying." I believe it's important to revisit this timeless concept, especially as we approach spring and upcoming holidays like Mother's Day and Father's Day, which can amplify feelings of grief. Whether you're hearing this analogy for the first time or could use a reminder, join me as we explore "What's in Your Cup" once more and discuss strategies for navigating difficult days ahead and beyond.