My First Panic Attack Josh Gunston

This episode also touches on imposter syndrome, identity crisis, depression, 'the nostalgia effect' and more.

I'll be honest, 2021 has been a very strange year thus far and rightly so considering all the shit we've had to go through. I first noticed in early January (just after my last episode aired which was almost eight weeks ago) that I was feeling more deflated than ever before, yet I wasn't necessarily sad, just worn out. Upon discovering this initial feeling, I attempted to embark on a short journey of self-discovery to uncover why I felt how I felt and to implement a set of coping mechanisms that I could use moving forward, and in turn, pass on to others who are feeling similar to how I felt. 

Firstly, I had to identify what was wrong. The initial glaringly obvious discovery was that I felt as though I was living through a social drought brought on by the second lockdown in the UK — a social drought that I hadn't experienced before. Things were very different this time, especially compared with the first lockdown which, although tough, was still rife with a plethora of social activities such as daily video calls, games, quizzes and newly discovered walking routes. The second lockdown was contrasted with deflation, tiredness and a lack of anything worthy or remotely new and interesting to discuss with friends or family. I became angry with my friends, angry with the lack of replies in group chats, angry with the societal deflation taking place around me. Selfish? Perhaps, yet I just couldn't accept that things weren't good, and I constantly tried to fix the problems around me, rather than just simply ride the wave (easier said than done).

Some of the first steps I took was to stop being angry with the world and just accepted the uncertainty around me. I accepted that there would be a lack of social interaction because everyone had started to feel worn out by the constant fluctuations and anxieties. I accepted that my sleep was going to be shit, and in turn, accepted that there was most likely nothing I could do to fix this. I accepted that my friends weren't up for the same repetitive quizzes we once revelled in and began to map out activities that I could enjoy on my own, without friends. The list goes on and I explain this more thoroughly in the actual episode, but the biggest lesson here is acceptance: being able to just accept the cards we have been dealt with and to just keep moving forward to the best of our abilities. 

This newfound acceptance has helped me feel more comfortable with myself. It took the pressure off me trying to constantly fix and control everything, making life more enjoyable and less suffocating. 

I hope this episode can provide you with a sense of clarity in this uncertain time, and please let me know below if you've developed any new coping mechanisms that I may have missed. 

Also, on a closing note, please do let me know if these podcasts are helpful to you. It's sometimes hard to gauge if I'm reaching people so any feedback is always appreciated. ❤️

This photo was taken 10 years ago today at a restaurant for my mum’s Birthday. It was 10 years ago today when I first properly contemplated suicide. During the meal, I had been plagued with these undiagnosed health problems (which later became known to me as panic attacks) and believed every minute that I was about to have a cardiac arrest and die. That evening, I sat in a crowded restaurant fearing that I was about to die in front of everyone, including my family. I also nearly choked on some food due to being so anxious and restless. I remember going to the toilet and thinking about dying there and then, holding back tears. I kept it hidden from everyone as I was so frightened. For months, I accepted my fate that I was dying to some unknown illness that doctors weren’t able to find. I came across this photo again recently and couldn’t stop looking at my eyes. Upon further observation, you can see the fear and terror in my eyes, with the dark bags underneath also conveying how bad my sleeping was too. All the photos of me from that era are the same and it’s quite disturbing looking back, especially in this photo.




It’s not all doom and gloom though. Today, I can look back in confidence about the experiences I’ve made over the last decade and will be using this episode to present 10 key points that I’ve learnt when dealing with panic attacks (and panic disorder in general).




Below, in no particular order:


Speak to a doctor first
Tell people around you (even strangers) what you are going through
Therapy and counselling isn’t optional, it’s a necessity
Panic attacks are good for you
Stop chasing a cure, there is none
Being busy is key
Stop the “I’ve had it worse” mindset
Relapsing is normal and gets easier every time
Pushing yourself out of your comfort zone will be the making of you
Drugs and alcohol probably won’t help




I really hope that these above points help as many people as possible. I've tried to go into as much detail as possible on each point and am hoping to individually cover a few of these points soon. Apologies for the excessive swearing in this episode also. Here’s to another 10 years!

2020 has been one of the hardest years many of us have ever had to face. If you're reading this then congratulations as you've made it this far.

This is a shorter episode as I wanted to conclude the year and provide you with some insight into what will be happening with the podcast in 2021. There a lot of exciting changes taking place and I can't wait to properly unveil them.

It's been five months since the podcast began so thank you to everyone who has supported me since the start. Please do let me know if there's anything you like or dislike about the podcast as this really helps moving forward.

Merry Christmas and stay safe! 🎅

I'm doing a lot better and have used this past week to really highlight what's been going wrong with my life. Admittedly, I feel slightly embarrassed upon listening back to the most recent episode but my purpose for doing this series in the first place remains clear: to help contribute towards the ever-changing mental health attitude taking place within our society, removing the stigma for good.

I'm not a therapist, nor am I a doctor, and I don't claim to be a self-help specialist, but I want to show you as openly as possible how an average mental health journey and timeline can look, through the bad and the ugly, through beauty and happiness. 

I'm struggling a lot with my identity at the moment, alongside finding it hard to internalise what this podcast series is actually about. I'm trying to create self-help, but also, feel as though I'm not in a good headspace to provide any help right now. I feel the lowest I've felt in a very long time, and my daily routine is filled with self-doubt, suicidal fantasies, failure, and crippling depression. It feels as though my internal monologue has betrayed me during this crucial time of need. 

The only way I can help others right now is to document this current headspace journey in an attempt to identify and pinpoint the triggers as to why I feel so painfully low. I plan to post updates in order to assess how I'm feeling so that I'm able to reflect and create a strategic resolution for those that are also in need. 

If anyone listening notices a series of patterns or similarities then please do share that insight with me. Sometimes it's hard to pick up things on your own, so any feedback is much appreciated.