Your Anxiety Toolkit - Anxiety & OCD Strategies for Everyday Kimberley Quinlan, LMFT

I have a new best friend just for you. 
I know that might sound a little strange, so hang with me here because this was mind-blowing to me, and I hope it is for you as well. 
Let's talk about best friends. What does a good best friend look like? 
It will be different for everybody, but generally, the way I see a best friend is that they're fun to be with. They're interested in fun things or things that you're interested in. They are there for you. They show up for you. They celebrate your birthday. They want to know how you're doing. They have a genuine interest in you. They're willing to pour into you. But in addition to that, they are also there for you when things get crappy. 
It's so important because sometimes we feel vulnerable when sharing with people. But when we do share and are vulnerable, we can be held, and some space is created. There's this beautiful relationship where you share how you're doing, and they hold space for that. They encourage you. They ask how they can support you. Maybe they can give you some helpful advice. They're there for you when things are really hard. When you start to be hard on yourself, they pull you up. 

 
THE BENEFITS OF BEST FRIENDS Best friends can also be brutally honest but in the most beautiful way. 
I have two best friends. One is my husband, and one is a friend who lives quite a distance away. It's all via technology—voice chat, FaceTime, phone calls, and so forth. My best friends, not only do they support me, not only are they kind and lovely, but they also do call me out on my crap. They often say, "I don't think you've thought about this one well enough," or "Kimberley, I think you're going a little too urgent here. I think that your anxiety might be getting in the way." Or "Kimberley, have you taken care of yourself today? I'm noticing you mentioned you haven't been getting a lot of sleep. Could that be why this is hard for you?"
Best friends aren't just all flowers and roses. They are honest and real. They're there for you when things aren't going well, but they champion you too. They believe in you like nobody else. When you're at your lowest, best friends will be like, "You could do totally that." Or if you're beating yourself up for not being good enough, they're like, "Oh my god, are you kidding me? Look at all the things that you've done." They're so ready to celebrate you, and they see you for way more than you can see yourself. 
That is what I want for you so I will introduce you to your new best friend, and it's you. Your new best friend is you. I want you to think about this because you haven't developed a relationship with YOU enough to be your own best friend. It's something you're going to have to invest in. Your new best friend is YOU, whom I'd like you to meet. Hello friend. This new bestie that you're creating is going to be the person who is there for you no matter what. 
AN INNER BESTIE VS. THE KIND COACH Let me tell you why I've been thinking about it this way. I wrote a book called The Self-Compassion Workbook for OCD, and I talked about the Kind Coach concept. The kind coach is this warm voice inside you that coaches you through hard things. If you were to think about the mean coach you probably had in high school, he's like, "Get down and give me 20," or "Get going, you loser. Run faster." He or she motivates you through criticism and harsh comments and uses a very aggressive voice. 
We don't want that because we know,, based on the research,, that it decreases motivation, increases procrastination, increases punishment, and wreaks havoc on the nervous system and the immune system. We don't want that. Instead, we use this Kind Coach. The Kind Coach encourages us. They know our strengths, and they encourage us based on our strengths. They know our weaknesses, and they don't use our weaknesses to get you moving forward. The kind coach is constantly there, encouraging you to keep going. I love this concept.
But as I recently

Imagine being able to walk into a crowded room without feeling your heart pound out of your chest. Envision yourself confidently striking up conversations with strangers or going about your day without being overwhelmed with the fear of being judged by others. 
If social anxiety has been holding you back from enjoying life, it's time to take on an exposure challenge and learn how to feel more confident in your skin when you are in public.
In this episode of Your Anxiety Toolkit, we will explore one of the most well-known, science-based, and effective strategies for overcoming social anxiety. From gradual exposure to uncomfortable social situations to building a support network, you'll discover practical steps to overcome the grip of social anxiety.
Recently, I overheard a therapist (of all people) say that letting our clients experience distress is harmful.  When I heard this, I gasped.  This idea and this narrative concerned me so much.  We have become so fixated on never feeling distressed that we fuel our anxiety and emotions.  
Now, I get it. I am not in the business of being a therapist to make people feel terrible. Quite the opposite. However, one of the most powerful messages I give my clients is that we can learn to compassionately and effectively navigate distress because distress is a natural part of being a human.  
If we have anxiety and we are committed to not feeling it, it will control every aspect of our lives. If you have social anxiety and you are committed to never being uncomfortable, social anxiety will take everything you love from you, including your future. 
Today, we are focusing on pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone and facing your fears.  What you will learn is that you'll gradually build your confidence and become more at ease in social settings. 
With each small success, you'll grow more robust and more resilient, expanding your social circle and embracing new opportunities.
My hope is that you don't let social anxiety hold you back any longer.  Today, I am going to give you a 30-day Social Anxiety Challenge.  I have seen this work for my clients repeatedly, and I am confident it will change your life, too. 
Before we get started, let's first make sure you have a good understanding of social anxiety. 

UNDERSTANDING SOCIAL ANXIETY Social anxiety, also known as social phobia, is a common mental health condition characterized by an intense fear and anxiety in social situations. It goes beyond mere shyness and can significantly impact an individual's daily life. People with social anxiety often experience excessive worry about being judged, embarrassed, or humiliated in social settings. This fear can be so overwhelming that it leads to avoidance of social situations altogether.
One thing I always share with my students and clients is that while Social anxiety is considered an anxiety disorder, I agree with Christopher Germer, a well-known psychologist who has been on the show (episode 199), that social anxiety is as much a shame disorder as it is an anxiety disorder.  
From my experience, people with Social anxiety struggle immensely with shame, and this powerfully painful emotion can disrupt so much of someone's life. It can increase the incidence of depression and even suicidal ideation. 
Having social anxiety can leave you feeling like a fool, awkward, and alone.  Commonly, people with social anxiety withdraw and isolate, only making themselves feel more alone, defective, and often more depressed. 
Social anxiety can have a profound impact on various aspects of a person's life. It can hinder their ability to form and maintain relationships, limit their career prospects, and diminish their overall quality of life. Simple tasks such as making a phone call, attending social gatherings, or speaking in public can elicit intense anxiety, leading to avoidance behaviors and missed opportunities. The constant fear of being evaluated negatively by others can c

Behind every smile, there can be hidden struggles and pain. You might even be one of those people struggling so much but puts on a smiling face even though you feel like you are sinking.  
Smiling depression, a somewhat new term to describe people who are struggling with high-functioning depression, is a lonely battle that many individuals face. In today’s episode, we dive into the topic of smiling depression, exploring what it is and how it affects those who suffer from it.
IS SMILING DEPRESSION A DIAGNOSIS? First of all, let me be clear. Smiling Depression is not a specific mental health diagnosis.  Instead, it is a presentation of depression. Unlike well-known symptoms of depression, those with smiling depression put on a facade of happiness. They may appear perfectly fine on the surface, leaving their inner turmoil hidden from the outside world. Unfortunately, this masks the severity of their emotional struggles, making it difficult for others to offer support or understanding.
It is important to acknowledge the hidden struggles of smiling depression and offer compassion and support to those who are silently battling this condition. They are not lying or faking it to deceive you.  Instead, they feel completely trapped. They often see no way but to keep going and keep pretending. They just keep smiling, even though they see an end in sight. They put a smile on their face, and they push through.  Even just saying that makes me want to cry, as I have been in this situation too many times.  I completely understand the pressure (often self-induced pressure) just to keep going and “not complain,” “look at the bright side,” or “be grateful for what I have,” even though I was being crushed with hopelessness, helpfulness and worthlessness. 
My hope is by addressing this topic, we can create an environment where you feel safe to express your true emotions and seek help.  You are not broken. You are not wrong for feeling this way.  And asking for help does not make you weak or bad.  You deserve to have support, love, compassion, and time to recover. 

SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF SMILING DEPRESSION Smiling depression can be difficult to identify, as those who experience it often mask their true emotions behind a smile. However, there are certain signs and symptoms that can help us recognize this hidden condition. 
One common characteristic of smiling depression is the apparent contradiction between a person's outward demeanor and their inner emotional state. While they may appear cheerful, happy, and successful, they may be struggling with feelings of hopelessness, helpfulness, worthlessness, emptiness, sadness, or even thoughts of self-harm or suicide.
Another smiling depression symptom is the tendency to keep their struggles hidden from others. Individuals with smiling depression often feel the need to maintain a facade of happiness, fearing that opening up about their inner turmoil will burden or disappoint those around them. This can lead to a sense of isolation and loneliness, further exacerbating their emotional struggles.
Furthermore, individuals with smiling depression often experience a lack of motivation and interest in activities they once enjoyed. They may withdraw socially, have difficulty concentrating, and experience changes in appetite and sleep patterns. These symptoms, when combined with the constant pressure to maintain a happy facade, can take a toll on their overall well-being.
What I think is very interested is the overlap of Smiling depression and perfectly hidden depression.  We previously did an episode with Margaret Rutherford about perfectly hidden depression which is a form of depression where people become hyper fixated on being perfect to mask their experience of depression.  You can listen that episode on the show notes to learn more. 
THE HIDDEN STRUGGLES OF SMILING DEPRESSION Smiling depression is not simply a case of "putting on a brave face." It is a complex men

In today's fast-paced and demanding world, it's easy to forget to show ourselves the same compassion and empathy we extend to others. But what if I told you that embracing self-compassion could lead to a happier, more fulfilling life? It's true, and in this article, we will explore the power of self-compassion and how it can positively impact your overall well-being.
Self-compassion is about treating ourselves with the same kindness, care, and understanding that we would show to a loved one. It involves acknowledging our imperfections and mistakes without judgment, and embracing our humanity.
When we practice self-compassion, we cultivate a positive relationship with ourselves. We learn to be more understanding and forgiving, and that inner critic inside us gradually softens. We become more resilient in the face of challenges, and our self-esteem and self-worth improve.
So how can we embrace self-compassion in our daily lives? We will delve into practical strategies and techniques that can help us cultivate self-compassion and create a more loving and compassionate relationship with ourselves.
Join us on this journey of self-discovery and learn how to harness the power of self-compassion for a happier and more fulfilling life.

Understanding Self-Compassion Self-compassion is about treating ourselves with the same kindness, care, and understanding that we would show to a loved one. It involves acknowledging our imperfections and mistakes without judgment, and embracing our humanity.
When we practice self-compassion, we cultivate a positive relationship with ourselves. We learn to be more understanding and forgiving, and that inner critic inside us gradually softens. We become more resilient in the face of challenges, and our self-esteem and self-worth improve.
Self-compassion is not about self-pity or self-indulgence. It is about recognizing our common humanity and understanding that we all make mistakes and face challenges. It is about being kind and supportive to ourselves, especially during difficult times. By embracing self-compassion, we can free ourselves from the constant pressure to be perfect and allow ourselves to be authentic and vulnerable.
The Benefits of Practicing Self-Compassion The benefits of practicing self-compassion are numerous and far-reaching. Research has shown that individuals who regularly practice self-compassion experience higher levels of well-being and life satisfaction. They are more likely to engage in healthy behaviors, have better mental health, and experience lower levels of stress and anxiety.
One of the key benefits of self-compassion is its role in fostering resilience. When we are kind and understanding towards ourselves, we are better able to bounce back from setbacks and failures. Instead of beating ourselves up over mistakes, we can learn from them and grow stronger.
Self-compassion also plays a crucial role in our relationships with others. When we are compassionate towards ourselves, we are more likely to show compassion towards others. We become better listeners, more empathetic, and more understanding. This, in turn, leads to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Self-Compassion vs. Self-Esteem While self-compassion and self-esteem are related, they are not the same thing. Self-esteem is about evaluating ourselves positively and feeling good about our worth and abilities. It is often based on external factors such as achievements, appearance, or social status.
On the other hand, self-compassion is about being kind and understanding towards ourselves, regardless of our achievements or external circumstances. It is about accepting ourselves as flawed human beings and embracing our imperfections. Self-compassion is not contingent on success or meeting certain standards; it is a constant source of support and care.
Research suggests that self-compassion may be a more stable and nurturing source of self-worth compared to self-esteem. While self-esteem can fluct

If you need an anxiety routine to help you get through the day, you’re in the right place. 


My name is Kimberley Quinlan. I am an anxiety specialist. I’m an OCD therapist. I specialize in cognitive behavioral therapy, and I’m here to help you create an anxiety routine that keeps you functioning, keeps your day effective, and improves the quality of your life. Because if you’re someone who has anxiety, you know it can take those things away. 





Now, it’s so important to understand that generalized anxiety disorder impacts 6.8 million American adults every single day. That’s about 3.1% of the population. And if that is you, you’re probably going to agree that anxiety can hijack your day. It can take away the things that you love to do, it can impact your ability to get things done. 




And so, one of the tools we use—I mean myself as a clinician—is what we call activity scheduling. This is where we create a routine or a schedule or a set of sequences that can help you get the most out of your day and make it so that anxiety doesn’t take over. So if you’re interested, let’s go do that. 


Again, if you have anxiety, you know that anxiety has a way of messing up your day. You had a plan. You had goals. You had things you wanted to achieve. And then along comes anxiety, and it can sometimes decimate that plan. 


AN ANXIETY SCHEDULE

And so the first thing I want you to be thinking about as we go through putting together this schedule is to plan for anxiety to show up. Those of you who show up in the morning and think, “How can I not have anxiety impact my day?” Those are the folks who usually have it impact them the most. So we want to start by reframing how we look at our lives instead of planning, like, “Oh gosh, I hope it’s not here. I hope it doesn’t come.” Instead, we want to focus on planning for anxiety to show up because it will. And our goal is to have a great plan of attack when it does.


MORNING ROUTINE FOR ANXIETY

First of all, what we want to look at is our morning routine for anxiety. We want to have an anxiety routine specifically for the morning. There will be folks who have more anxiety in the morning. There will be folks who have more anxiety in the evening. You can apply these skills to whatever is the most difficult for you. But for the morning routine, the first thing we need to do is the minute we wake up, we want to be prepared for negative thoughts. Thoughts like, “I can’t handle this. I don’t want to do this. The day will go bad.” We want to be prepared for those and have a strategic plan of attack. 


COGNITIVE RESTRUCTURING


Now, what we want to do instead of going down the rabbit hole of negative thinking is use what we call cognitive restructuring or reframing. During the day, at a time where you’ve scheduled, I would encourage my patients to sit down and create a planned response for how we’re going to respond to these thoughts. So if your brain says, “You can’t handle the day,” your response will be, “I’ll take one step at a time.” If your brain says, “Bad things are going to happen,” you have already planned to say, “Maybe, maybe not, but I’m not tending to that right now.” Let’s say your brain is going to tell you that this is going to be so painful and, “What’s the point? Don’t do it,” absolutely not. I’m going to show up however I can in my lifetime. I’m not going to let those thoughts dictate how I show up. I’m going to dictate how I show up. So we want to be prepared and have a plan of attack for that negative thinking.


MINDFULNESS PRACTICE


The second thing we want to do is have a solid mindfulness for anxiety practice. Again, you’re going to start today, and you’ll start to see the benefits of this over the weeks and months, but a mindfulness practice will be where you are able to have a healthier relationship with the thoughts

Helping children navigate the complexities of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) requires a delicate balance of understanding, patience, and empowerment. Natasha Daniels, a renowned expert in this field, shares invaluable insights into how parents can support their children in overcoming OCD with positivity and resilience.
Normalizing OCD: One of the first steps in supporting children with OCD is normalizing the condition. Both parents and children need to understand that they are not alone in this journey. Natasha emphasizes the importance of taking things one step at a time and not allowing the overwhelming nature of OCD to overshadow the progress being made.
Education is Key: Understanding OCD is crucial for effective support. Natasha urges parents to educate themselves about the condition, its symptoms, and the most effective treatment approaches. By arming themselves with knowledge, parents can better support their children through the challenges of OCD.
The Concept of "Crushing" OCD: Natasha introduces the empowering concept of "crushing" OCD.” Instead of viewing OCD as an insurmountable obstacle, children are encouraged to see it as something conquerable. This shift in perspective can be transformative, instilling a sense of empowerment and resilience.
Making Treatment Fun: To engage children in treatment, Natasha suggests incorporating fun activities. By turning exposures into games or playful challenges, children are more likely to participate actively in their own recovery journey. This approach not only makes treatment more enjoyable but also fosters a positive attitude towards facing fears.
Bravery Points: Natasha introduces the idea of "bravery points" as a motivational tool for children. By rewarding bravery in facing OCD-related fears, children are incentivized to confront their anxieties and engage in exposure exercises. This gamified approach can be highly effective in encouraging progress.
Adapting for Teens and Adults: While bravery points may resonate well with children, Natasha also offers insights into adapting these strategies for teenagers and adults. Creative incentives tailored to different age groups can help individuals of all ages stay motivated and committed to their treatment goals.
Creative Exposures: Incorporating creative exposures into treatment can make confronting fears more engaging and less daunting for children. By turning exposures into interactive experiences, such as games or role-playing exercises, children can develop essential coping skills in a supportive environment.
Collaborative Approach: Natasha emphasizes the importance of collaboration between parents and children in the treatment process. By working together to develop coping strategies and respond to OCD-related behaviors, families can create a supportive and empowering environment for children with OCD.
Addressing Parenting Challenges: Managing the emotional challenges of parenting a child with OCD can be overwhelming. Natasha offers insights into coping with feelings of anger, frustration, and helplessness, providing strategies for maintaining patience and support during difficult moments.
Long-Term Perspective: Supporting children with OCD requires a long-term perspective. Building resilience and fostering a family culture that promotes bravery and resilience are essential for long-term success. By focusing on progress rather than perfection, families can navigate the challenges of OCD with hope and determination.
Conclusion: Natasha Daniels' insights offer a beacon of hope for families navigating the complexities of OCD. By normalizing the condition, educating themselves, and adopting creative and empowering approaches to treatment, parents can support their children in overcoming OCD with positivity and resilience.
TRANSCRIPTION: 
Kimberley: Welcome everybody. Today we have Natasha Daniels. She's the go to person for the kiddos who are struggling with anxiety and OCD. And I'm so grateful to have h