Why Does My Partner Rebecca Wong, Juliane Taylor Shore, Vickey Easa

Why do I have to feel bad for my partner to feel better? When does venting cross the line and become unloading? Guest host Ann Kelley joins us one more time to talk about power dynamics in relationships. It can feel relieving to unload your frustrations, but is it causing your partner to shut down? Or is the venting partner looking for some kind of feedback that they’re not getting, making them feel like they have to keep unloading till they get a reaction? As always, there’s not one answer, but we can offer a roadmap for how couples can start exploring this for themselves.
Finally, if you haven’t already, make sure to listen to episodes one and two of this miniseries with Ann and check out her podcast Therapist Uncensored as well as her upcoming book, Secure Relating.
Quotes:
“Its really hard to listen to pain and not attempt to change it.”
Recommended Reading:
Secure Relating by Ann Kelly and Sue Marriott
Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered by Juliane Taylor Shore
Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact
Dive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.
Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

We’re back with special guest Ann Kelley of the Therapist Uncensored podcast, and folks, she’s dropping knowledge bombs left and right on this one. Our question for today is from a listener in her 60s, getting ready to put herself out there to date after a divorce. We’ve all got so much to say about this one, so let’s get right to the quotes:
Quotes:
The red flag is when we're not paying attention to something that's happening internally or we're dismissing part of our experience.
Our value systems don't have to be identical, but are they aligned enough?
Having a difficult time saying “I’m sorry has a lot more to do with our nervous system than our knowledge.
We don't need to find the perfect person. We need to find somebody that's willing to grow with us
Sometimes a red flag doesn’t mean run, it means explore and learn more.
Recommended Reading:
Secure Relating by Ann Kelly and Sue Marriott
Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered by Juliane Taylor Shore
Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact
Dive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.
Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Welcome back to the Why Does My Partner Podcast. For this bonus mini-series, were joined by Ann Kelley from the Therapist Uncensored podcast to tackle our next set of listener questions. Ann is a licensed psychologist and co-author of Secure Relating along with her wife and podcasting partner, Sue Marriott.
Do you and your partner have rituals when you come back together from being apart? Today’s question opens up our to ways that implicit memories can stir up old learned expectations of what happens when someone leaves us. If you’ve experienced painful separations in your past, your body may still be expecting that, even when your mind knows that nothing is wrong. We talk about how that could show up for either partner in this situation, and Ann shares her unique way of describing attachment styles, and how that can help folks have a smoother separation and reunion in their partnerships.
Quotes:          
“we evoke a fight sometimes because we want it to match what's going on inside…and if my head says it should be fine, but my body doesn't, well then I'm gonna go for what I'm feeling.”

Recommended Reading:
Secure Relating by Ann Kelly and Sue Marriott
Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered by Juliane Taylor Shore

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact
Dive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Dear listeners, before you start listening to this episode, would you try something with us?
Sit back in your chair. Take a breath for a second. Notice that you’re alive and breathing. Notice the sensations in your body that tell you that you’re alive. As other thoughts start to pop up, don’t try to push them away just yet instead just let yourself notice that they’re there. Notice them, and now go back to your breath. Take your time. What’s happening inside you now?
This, dear listeners, is withnessing, and it’s what this episode is all about. Or listener question speaks to a deep desire to be taken care of by their partner, so we start by asking, “what kind of state are each of your brains in? When you’re worked up and upset, your brain is going to have a really hard time giving or receiving support, even when that feels like what you want to do most in the world.
So take a second to slow down. Witness what’s happening inside you and give your brain a chance to shift into a state that’s more interested in connection and bonding. Showing up for yourself is where it all starts.
Quotes:
The part of your brain that's going to help you shift from one state to another is going to be activated when you slow down and watch what's happening right now inside you.
In order to be there for my partner…I don't have to worry about how to soothe them. I only have to worry about how to witness me.
There is something so empowering about knowing I don't have to wait for my partner to be integrated enough to support me. I can do this for myself.
This episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor, The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many educators, and because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Just visit therapywisdom.com and use the discount code "WDMP."
Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.
Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact
If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

If your partner asked you to tell them how they should change, would that feel gratifying or scary? And how would you react? If that thought makes you uncomfortable, we think that’s the perfect time for a YOU-turn. And if that thought doesn’t make you uncomfortable…we think that’s ALSO a perfect time for a YOU-turn! That means turning back towards yourself and being curious about what hopes or fears are hidden underneath that reaction. That will help you get beyond the strategy – what either of you do or don’t do – to the underlying need, which is how do you want to feel in this relationship?
Quotes:
“It’s freaking hard to be human with other humans!”
“Where do we learn how to be relational? Where do we learn what connection is?”
“And so where do we form our protective strategies? It's inside of our early experiences. They're not just there. They're there because.”
“If things are going well, it doesn't mean that hard things don't happen. It means that you can turn towards each other when they do.”
This episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor, The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many educators, and because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Just visit therapywisdom.com and use the discount code "WDMP."
Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.
Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact
If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

What are the conversation patterns in your relationship? Do you tend to leave a lot of space for silence, or talk fast and interrupt each other a lot? Does that differ from how it was in your family growing up? Is there an imbalance, with one person doing a lot more of the interrupting and talking over?
…and is it a problem?
Today’s question asker might be wishing that their partner interrupted them less, but that’s not true for everyone. Whether or not you do this has a lot to do with where you’re from, your family dynamics and even your neurology. In lots of cultures, interrupting is a sign of excitement and showing that you’re engaged, but for others, it can feel rude, dominating, and derailing. It could even be different for the same person in different situations.
If you take anything from today’s episode, we hope it’s this: celebrate your diversity, whether it’s cultural, neurological, or anything else. We’re all going to do things a little bit different, and that’s ok! Take it as a chance to get curious about what’s going on in your partner’s brain, and to share what’s in yours. We bet you’ll be glad that you did.
Quotes:
“there's tons and tons of gifts in fast processing and there's tons and tons of gifts in slower processing speeds…it has nothing to do with intelligence.”
“Maybe there’s no such thing as neurotypical.”
“We don’t have to let differences drive us a part, we can meet each other through them.”
 
This episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor, The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many educators, and because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Just visit therapywisdom.com and use the discount code "WDMP."
Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.
Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact
If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events