Conversations with Cinthia Cinthia Hiett

Is attraction something that just comes and goes, completely beyond our control?  Today Cinthia explores attractiveness as a responsibility we have to others, one that is not primarily about our physical makeup.  While she introduces this topic in terms of spouses who are no longer attracted to their spouses, she explores it further as it applies to our interactions with society in general.  How attractive we are has to do with what it is like for others to be around us.  This is why men often appear more attractive when they exhibit “confidence contained.”  In all of us, qualities like kindness, gentleness, mercy, flexibility, nobleness, health, willingness to work hard, etc., tend to be attractive, while disrespectfulness, immaturity, vulgarity, being unaware of your audience, refusing to cooperate with others, and selfishness in general make us less attractive to others.  We are more attractive when we adjust ourselves somewhat to others by learning to “check the temperature of the room;” for example, we can notice whether other people find their jokes humorous and when they do not.  They notice how their behavior is impacting others and adjust to those with whom they interact.  
In our society, many people expect that others should be attracted to them unconditionally, as if all of society is obligated to offer them the unconditional acceptance they needed from their parents and continue to need from God.  Sometimes people today expect that their showing up should be enough for everyone else.  However, this is not a realistic expectation for adults to hold.  We offer babies unconditional goodwill no matter how much they scream or how many bodily fluids they deposit on us because we understand that they are babies.  We accept that teenagers are learning to deal with others maturely and may sometimes be difficult to engage; this is because we understand that they are teenagers.  Adults, however, have the ability and the expectation to recognize that their behavior impacts other people.  Our behavior can make us unattractive.  Our hygiene practices can make it uncomfortable for people to come close to us.  To refuse to recognize this is immature, and it is draining for others who have to deal with it on a regular basis.  It takes courage to own the experience others have of us when we interact together, but maturity knows that its decisions matter.  Selfishness and immaturity are exhausting for others.  Pushing boundaries for attention gets old.  Creating awkwardness or discomfort just to get a reaction gets tiresome.  Selfishness, withholding, refusing to share or fill in the gaps for those who cannot do it themselves – these things are burdensome to others.  Don’t confuse assertiveness and selfishness; they are not the same thing. 
Owning your impact does not mean being someone that you are not, hiding your feelings all the time, or constantly seeking to meet everyone else’s expectations, no matter how unrealistic or unwholesome.  It simply means recognizing that you are not entitled to show up without showering, use whatever language you want, and expect everyone to be thrilled that you are there.  It means acknowledging that others are allowed to have feelings about the impact of your decisions on them. 
As an adult, you can learn to be an attractive person, regardless of whether you possess physiological beauty.  This does not mean our appearance is irrelevant, however; the ways in which we care for ourselves are relevant to the experience others have of us.  The way we dress indicates something about our own willingness to contain ourselves instead of expecting others to deal with the rawest versions of us.  Going to the grocery store in pajamas, for example, may to communicate to others that our own comfort is our highest priority and that we have little concern for the atmosphere we are helping to create.  While the 1950’s had another set of problems, one positive aspe

Today Cinthia continues a conversation she began a few weeks ago with the episode “Why Don’t You Believe Me?”  Trust is impacted by many factors on both sides of a relationship, and it is difficult to sort out when our fears indicate legitimate warning signs about another person and when they signal our own trust issues or immaturity.  (And sometimes both can be involved!)
Believing anything is always a risk.  The only thing that is sure is God, and we have a lot of trouble trusting Him.  But some trust is better-placed than other trust.  How do we know whether our disbelief is warranted? 
A commitment to reality is important here.  Deciding we can trust someone just because we hope we can gives us little foundation for confidence; trusting based only on our own hope is not a strong plan.  Trust is different than liking someone, and trusting someone does not ensure that they will become what we want them to be.  However, believing someone is always a risk, and waiting for a guarantee of the future will mean we never engage in relationship.  So when we have some real evidence that someone is trustworthy, we have the option to “trust but verify,” to trust while we wait and see. 
Have you ever been “beaten up” emotionally because of someone’s fears?  It really isn’t your responsibility to make another person feel safe, though it is your responsibility to be a safe person.  In any relationship, even with ourselves or God, trust is scary.  Fear is a very powerful emotion, and we have to respect fear to a certain extent.  We have to accept it when someone else is afraid, and, when their concerns are based on things we have done or neglected to do, we need to address this.  We should not demand trust when we have not earned it.  But sometimes people come after us because of their own fear.  Sometimes people just stay afraid no matter what we do, and we reach the what-more-can-I-do stage.  Sometimes the relationship ends by the time the person finally trusts.  When people don’t trust your intentions and keep testing you over and over again, it is important not to let your own reality become skewed.  Remind yourself that that person is having a feeling.  That does not necessarily mean it is true.  Jesus had to die for us before people they believed in His love, even though people needed to believe in Him.  We still struggle with the question of whether He loves us after everything He does for us.  It is exhausting to constantly have to prove yourself. 
If you are the one afraid, recognize where your fear is coming from.  Is it about this person because they have given me reason to fear, or even because I don’t know them well yet, or is the fear coming from me because of past hurt?  Take responsibility when your alarm systems are about the past and not about the person in front of you.  Differentiate between the person in front of you and the person who hurt you, especially if they remind you of that person.  Don’t let the person who harmed you get in the way.  Kids constantly want more justification for their belief in you; if you are not a little kid, don’t let your brain believe the fear. 
This applies to our relationships with God, as well.  Cinthia explains that she knows she believes in God, that she can hold Him accountable for His words, that He welcomes her challenging Him, and that she does not disrespect Him.  But that does not mean she always feels like she can trust Him or feels like she believes Him, etc., because it’s not just about feelings.  Do you have history with God?  Christ?  The Holy Spirit?  Your friends?  Your doctor?  Your neighbors?  Your spouse?  Can you relax with that person even when you are having an off-day, or does your trust in them change with the wind?  Do you only believe when your feelings line up, or when you get your way?  You can’t have relationship without some level of trust that overrides the up and down feelings. 

Today Cinthia discussed what it means that we as human beings are made in the image of God.  We say all kinds of things about ourselves, and not all of the things we say are true.  We work hard to define ourselves, to figure out who we are and grasp some kind of identity for ourselves.  But these attempts will never make us free until they line up with the truth about ourselves, which is rooted in Who God is and who He says we are.  We look around for those we can emulate, but, until we know and emulate our Creator, we will not figure out how to be our unique selves.  The more we know God, the more we will want to be like Him, and the more we are like Him, the more we will be the unique creation He meant us to be.
Cinthia discussed some of her own struggles to figure out her identity.  She was adopted into a family with which she had little in common in terms of appearance, giftings, etc.  She felt, she says, like she was on a train called “life” and did not know how she got on it, where it was going, or where she was supposed to get off of it.  She even perceived herself to be on this train fraudulently, to be on the planet by some unplanned accident so that God had to figure out what to do with her now that she was here.  Living under the weight of this, Cinthia worked hard to “be something” to justify her existence.  But one day, after many, many conversations about this with God, after repeatedly telling him how she felt and what she thought about it all, Cinthia heard God say to her, “Now you know where you came from.  You came from Me.”  Learning to see God as her reference point and to ask Him who He meant her to be changed life drastically for Cinthia, although it has been a process.
While Cinthia’ particular struggle may be most resonant for those who have been adopted, all of us struggle with identity.  Some of this relates to family issues; we may not see ourselves as having much in common with our biological families or may identify with them strongly, happily or not.  We are adopted into God’s family through Jesus, and we don’t always know how to relate to this family.  But, regardless of our experiences with those who reared us or those around us now, human beings struggle to define ourselves (and some might say our society has particular difficulties with this because we are so concerned with defining ourselves individually) because each of us was created by God to be something we cannot understand without Him.  Each of us was His idea, and He was happy that He made each of us.  Regardless of connections with family members or similarities and differences with them, we are still one-time-occurring creations, and there is no one like anyone else.  Until we connect our identities to their Source, we will lack the information and power we need to be who we were meant to be. 
In our society, people seem to be struggling with this more than ever.  People are even changing their bodies at drastic levels, but we are not our own creators.  We are not able to create who we want to be, whatever our society may tell us.  Human beings simply don’t have the tools to create themselves.  We have to learn to accept our status as created beings who were not consulted about who we were meant to be, but who are far more amazingly-designed than we realize or know.  Learning to trust our Creator with who we are is difficult because trust is difficult and because we tend to have ideas about who we are, some of which are not accurate and may cause pain.  But we start by learning to trust God when He says we were beautifully and wonderfully made and that He was glad when He made us.  Until we believe Him and ask Him what He had in mind for us, we will not find peace with who we are.
You have to find out who you are, and you have to do it by going to your Creator.  Ask Him why He made you.  Even if you identified with your family or were like them in many ways, you are still the only on

Today’s title is one that requires some definitions.  First of all, what is an addict?  What is addiction?  Addiction has more than one definition but usually involves becoming physically or psychologically dependent on a substance; it can sometimes apply to compulsive involvement in behavior, such as gambling or sexual compulsions.  Not all habits necessarily qualify as addictions. 
At some level, we are all prone to addictions, but some people are much more prone to them than others.  Genetics plays a key role in setting up proclivities to addiction.  Trauma also influences addictions by taking away someone’s ability to regulate his or her internal world.  Anxiety and depressive disorders can create or increase vulnerability to addictions.  Chronic pain and severe injury including head injury, can set up a person for addiction, especially if treatment for these ailments involves narcotics or other controlled substances.  We cannot tell just by looking at a person all the factors that may put that person at risk for addictions, and shaming them for being addicted is generally not helpful.  Addiction is an affliction, not something people plan to have.
There is a difference between dependence and addiction, though one can lead to the other.  A person who depends on a particular medication is not necessarily dealing with an addiction.  Sometimes the body cannot do for itself what it needs to do, and medications can be used appropriately to help with this.  Some people become dependent on medications that make their bodies function properly without becoming truly addicted, and sometimes we do not know all that is involved in another person’s medical care plan.  However, dependence can lead to addiction, and signs of this can include lessening attempts to find other coping skills and ways to be healthy.  At this time in history, we have an unprecedented opportunity to use pharmaceuticals in life-giving ways, but it can be very difficult to know how and when to do this.  Medications that were originally meant to help people can sometimes work their way into hearts, minds, souls, relationships, and lifestyles so that they destroy the people they were meant to help and harm others in addition.
Another term in today’s title is the word “judge.”  The phrase “do not judge” is frequently cited as coming from Jesus, though not always with proper understanding of the context in which He said this.  In Matthew 7:1-6, Jesus told us not to judge lest we be judged.  The compassion He showed and shows to sinners like us shows us how important a statement like this is to Him.  In our society, however, we sometimes misuse the phrase “Don’t judge,” using the authority of Jesus’s words to mean, “Don’t tell me I’m wrong,” or to imply that all behaviors must be accepted as equally moral.  But Jesus went on to tell us not to give dogs what is sacred or cast our pearls before pigs.  A few verses later He warned against false prophets.  How are we to obey the latter verses without making some kind of judgments?  In fact, the Bible says not to judge ourselves.  How, then, can we make behavioral decisions for ourselves?
The answer lies in the difference between judging behavior and judging a person’s heart, between determining that a behavior is harmful (or potentially harmful) and making negative assumptions about what is happening inside a person, between setting boundaries and shaming people.  Jesus says in John 7:24, “Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.”  So, in the verses in Matthew, “do not judge” does not mean that love should be blind or undiscerning; on the contrary, loving well requires even more discernment than the kind of judging Jesus forbids.  It is healthy and right to recognize that some behaviors are harmful and wrong.  It is loving to want someone to be the best version of himself or herself and to encourage this in appropriate ways.  Wi

Twilight seems like a wisp of time; it comes and goes and is gone.  It occurs twice a day, bookending the days and nights.  Is this simply an accident of the Earth’s rotation and revolutions around the sun?  Nothing God creates is without meaning and purpose, and twilight, Cinthia explains, is a beautiful gift to us. 
Cinthia explored dictionary definitions of twilight as (for example) “the diffused light from the sky during early evening or morning when the sun is below the horizon and its light is refracted by the earth’s atmosphere.”  Twilight is a time of transition; it gives us time to reflect on the day we have had and to move into night, or to come awake and move into the day.  It is the in-between time when things are ambiguous, obscured, winding up or winding down.  It can be calming, and it can be invigorating.  Imagine life without twilight, life in which darkness fell suddenly as we were driving and dawn broke all at once on our sleeping eyelids.  Twilight gives us the time to adjust, to prepare, to change with the rhythm of the day.
Photographer Jacob Lucas has written about the under-appreciated and under-utilized light that comes through the atmosphere at twilight.  This is not just one type of light, either, but breaks into three phases in each twilight.  Civil twilight happens when the sun is just below the horizon and allows for seeing the brightest stars and planets and well as the horizon and objects on earth.  The light is mostly gold and pink.  Nautical twilight is the time when the sun is a bit further from the horizon; light dissipates more quickly, making details harder to see and silhouettes more realistic for capturing on film.  Astronomical twilight is the closest to darkness, and capturing handheld images is nearly impossible in its light.
The concept of twilight can extend past the natural, however.  Spiritual and emotional or psychological twilights can exist, as well.  can be natural, spiritual, emotional/psychological.
Cinthia explored the twilights involved in the Passion of Jesus.  It was likely sunset as He moved into the Last Supper with His disciples, a time when He washed the feet of His betrayer and tried to tell His friends the last things He wanted them to know before His death.  Twilight led Him into the dark night in which He would sweat blood in Gethsemane, receive His betrayer’s kiss, face the soldiers and officials, and begin six grueling trials that included periods of torture and went through dawn (the second twilight of the Passion).  That morning He carried His cross to the Place of the Skull and was nailed there, but a different kind of twilight came when the darkness of night fell at noon.  That afternoon, another strange twilight came when He committed His Spirit into the hands of His Father; the earth quaked, the veil in the temple was torn in two, and Jesus died.  The darkness was over, but twilight returned as His body was buried at sunset. 
This is what God does with us everyday in little and big pieces.  We go through hours, days, seasons, pregnancies, job trajectories, the raising of children, the nurturing of relationships.  We experience process after process; we live in process and go through a multitude of transitions.  These twilights include times it is really dark and times when we see things in clearer, more beautiful lights than we have previously done.  God walks us through these processes with great intentionality.  He
Jesus was fully present every moment of His life on earth, though we are usually not.  Twilight is an especially important time to be present because it eases us into the next phases of our life. Twilight is a gentleness from God, a kindness He gives us even though we resist it at times.
What twilight are you in?  Is something beginning?  Is something starting to end?  Is there a transition on the horizon?  Stop and hear God saying that He is with you in the process.  Accept God’s grace as He le

Have you ever told the truth and yet not been believed?  Have you ever struggled to know whether to believe someone else?  Distrust can be painful on both sides, but knowing what to believe can be difficult.  Today Cinthia tackles the dual topic of trusting and being trusted, starting with the statement that everything is a risk. 
Trust is necessary for life, and trust is always a risk.  Belief in anything is a risk, but no one can take a step without putting his weight somewhere.  Even our day-to-day tasks require trust in objects, systems, and people.  Relationships require trust, and all of us have had variable experiences trusting others. 
That said, some people are better risks than others; some people show us that they are more trustworthy, while others show us that they are not.  Are you a good risk for other people?  What do you show others with your life?  First, make sure that you are a good risk.  Don’t pretend.  If people are trusting you, they are risking on you.  If people are talking to you, they are risking on you.  Be a good risk.
Wanting to be trusted is a risk because it hurts to want trust and not receive it, especially when one has worked hard to be trustworthy.  God takes that risk with us.  He is completely trustworthy; we can take Him at His Word.  He even engages with us as we challenge Him, though we should not disrespect Him.  But still we question Him over and over, struggling to believe He exists, wondering if He loves us, grasping for control of our lives because we trust our own plans more than we trust His.  Jesus’s disciples did not really understand or trust His love until after He had died for them and come back to life, and even then they struggled with doubt, confusion, and the need for reassurance.  Human beings have a tendency to think in terms of “If (fill in the blank), then I would really know that he/she loves me.”  We keep trying to figure out the real test that will finally hold down our fear.   But this is dangerous because it is based on our own imaginations; the things we think will satisfy us often do not do so.
It takes humility to continue to engage with someone who struggles with trust when you are not the one who wounded them.  In this situation, focus on kindness and try not to make the person’s other-inflicted wounds worse.  The person may have hurt from the past; maybe the person does not know how to get the help he or she needs.  At some point, if the person consistently refuses to risk trusting you no matter how much you demonstrate that you are trustworthy, it may become hard or impossible to have a relationship with that person.  Relationship requires risk.
Sometimes, however, another person’s mistrust in us comes from our own actions.  When we have lied to someone, been untrustworthy in a relationship, neglected someone, wounded or harmed someone in some way, etc., it may take a long time to regain trust—perhaps much longer than we hoped.  It may take longer than seems fair to the one who committed the offense, and the one who is trying to trust again may become more comfortable, only to start questioning again and need further transparency and amends.  Sometimes trust has to be re-earned minutes, days, and again years later.  If you have wounded someone deeply, you may have to keep demonstrating your trustworthiness until that person is ok again. 
In the absence of glaring reasons not to trust another person, how can the average person decide whether to risk trusting that person?  Cinthia cited the old proverb, “Trust but verify.”  At some point, we all have to risk trusting someone, just as we have to take reasonable risks trusting our brakes, our chairs, our food, and so many other things.  It is impossible not to trust someone or something, and that always involves risk.  We only get to decide in what directions we point our risk-taking.  Believing in someone means that we can be let down, and that is ver