Fight Like a Mother Cheryl Cardall

This episode with Jill Freestone as a guest is part 2 of a series about when our children leave our faith tradition.   What do we do as parents?  How do we unpack some of the unhealthy narratives we've absorbed over the years about our role as parents in our kids faith journey?   What things have been said over pulpits in years past that have made us feel like if we are just righteous enough our kids won't leave our religion?
This episode actually focuses heavily on some of the doctrine and cultural beliefs of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and how they have affected parents reactions to their children leaving the church for generations.  How can we have healtheir responses and relationships with our children who leave?  Why is nurturing and building that relationship so important?  
What is our job as parents? 
to love, nurture, teach (not control outcome)
to do our own internal work shift from a fear based relationship with God/ church to 
agency/love/ infinite grace and compassion/ eternal progression
Honor agency and choice Focus on connection over control Respect boundaries Expand our perspective Recognize that just because we teach principles doesn't mean they will follow them Most parents and kids are operating from a Fear and control based relationship with God themselves as well - NOT AGENCY
 
Do we believe in a compassionate grace filled God? 
Do we believe in an infinite atonement and eternal progression? 
When and where does God’s compassion and grace end? 
never
What do our Heavenly Parents really want for Their children? 
Growth and to practice love
Reteach grace and atonement 
This is essential as well as 
Can we stop putting God in a box and truly trust God enough to take care of our children? 
Your kids have a Savior and it's not you.
Teens and young adults questioning and pulling away from their parents is a health and normal part of development.  Even older adult children who were never given the freedoms to question and experiment and pull away may do that often at midlife.
God is in relentless pursuit of us and eternal progression is the good news of the gospel and of jesus coming to earth to heal every single one of us.
 

This podcast episode is a bit of a shift from my normal mental health content, but I feel this topic is so vital for so many families today, I am seeing so many parents struggle.   So many families are having shifts in religious beliefs within their families and it can be challenge for relationships that were often built upon those religious beliefs and values.  Because our religious traditions and beliefs are rooted in the Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints, we talk about our beliefs within that framework, but the principles apply to any relationship where beliefs differ.  
Today's guest is none other than my oldest child Nathan.  Nathan is one of my favorite people on earth.  He is a deep thinker, kind, steady, funny and is such a pleasure to be around.  Nathan served a 2 year mission for the LDS church to Washington.  Within the last year or so Nathan's religious beliefs have shifted and he has chosen to walk away from the church and beliefs he was raised with.   Nathan is one of my favorite people on earth and I cannot imagine not having a close realtionship with him even through this shift of belief for him.
We have been able to maintain and even improve our relationship with Nathan during this time even though we still participate in the church.   It takes humility on both side, willingness to listen, opening our hearts and minds and respectful boundaries.  For us as parents it has been vital to expand our faith and not see things in black and white. 
When our religious beliefs are deeply rooted through generations (both my husband and i have pioneer ancestors who crossed the plains to Utah with the Mormon pioneers) and so much of your life is informed by the culture and traditions of that church, it can almost feel like a personal attack when your child steps away.  The LDS church isn't just a church, it's a lifestyle and affects the very core of your identity.  So we often get defensive and angry and hurt.
In this episode we have the hard conversations and talk about what it looks like to have a deep, loving, respectful relationship when our teen or young adult (or even grown adult) child leaves the church we beleive with every fiber of our being 

I think we all know that life can be a bit bumpy, I think all of us hope that our life path looks maybe a bit rocky or bumpy, maybe a little rustic, but fairly flat, straight and really beautiful. So what happens when the life path actually looks more like hanging from a cliff from our fingertips? We are literally holding on for dear life.  That's not what most of us expected in life!
Today's episode we are talking about grieving what happens when life looks vastly different than we expected.   What grief might look like in your life and how to embrace the messy, uncomfortable and difficult emotions that surface.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, the expert on grief, who created the 5 stages said, that grief is the healing process to get to comfort.  What a profound statement and a perspective shift on grief.  We must go through the often uncomfortable, painful process to heal and to find peace.  

Ember Pilati is a life and relationships coach who loves lots of people who struggle with their mental health.   She shares valuable tips and simple, actionable tips to care for yourself so you can care for your loved ones better.  
She shares a framework of caring for our mind, body and soul and why each step is so vital to our own physical and mental health.  
Gratitude is a practice that can change your entire outlook and how writing down what we are grateful for and SAVORING that gratitude can change our brain chemistry.
You will love this powerful episode with Ember's loving, powerful words.
 
You can connect with Ember here:
https://www.instagram.com/iamemberpilati
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/emerge-empowered-with-ember-pilati/id1543504663
http://emberpilati.com

Welcome to the fight, like your mother podcast. I'm so glad that you are here.  I am sharing an episode today that I have been thinking about doing for a really long time.  And I haven't done it because I wanted a therapist. Slash expert who knows a lot about this to come on and talk about it because I haven't felt qualified to do so.  However lately it won't leave my brain. 
And I've asked several therapists who said they don't feel qualified to come on and talk about it. So if they don't feel qualified, then. 
  I can do my own research and figure this out. So I know that I need to record this. Now,  and it's interesting because I posted a  instagram posts about this very topic and that eight Han of responses about it. And people who've wanted to learn more and have never heard about this. Or who have heard about it, but didn't know much about it. 
So it is time now.  Perhaps if I find the right person,  , I will have another therapist and we'll do another episode on this particular topic, , to give some insights and things that I don't share.  But I do have some valuable experience. And personal.  Deeply personal things about this particular topic. 
And I feel like it may be really valuable for lots of families, including my own actually.  
So the topic I'm discussing today is about the siblings. Of kids with extra intense needs.  , This can happen with physical health challenges. Mental health challenges. Kids with autism. There's a myriad of reasons why.  , this. Particular thing can happen. It can actually even happen in like children of divorce. , and things like that. 
So this applies to lots of families out there.  , but let's, we're going to talk about it in regards to the sibling of.  
The sibling of somebody who has intense mental health challenges. That's what we're, our focus is going to be today. But these principles apply to so many.  So how does this in particular affect these kids?  How do they feel about it? , are they overlooked? Do they have a voice, et cetera?  And each of these questions are really valuable and important to think about as parents.  
But I also don't want this to overwhelm you or shut you down as you're listening.  And I don't want you to feel guilt or shame about this, that isn't the goal here.  I don't want to give you more. To put on, you're already over loaded, overwhelmed to do list. And I certainly don't want to give you more to worry about.  So in fact, I want you, as you go throughout listening to this episode, I want you to really, really be aware and notice your feelings that you're having. 
Notice what pops up in your brain and how your body feels.  And just notice those things.  Don't judge yourself. And if you're noticing some hard emotions coming up,  maybe take a break.  Do some breathing.  Take care of yourself. Nurture yourself. And then turn it on again.  Don't stop listening because you're feeling negative emotions because sometimes we need to sit in the discomfort.  
There's a sign there.  I'm going to bed. Okay. Good night.  
In fact, during this episode, I want you to notice your feelings about what's coming up.  Notice what pops up in your brain, how your body's feeling.  And just notice, just be aware and don't judge yourself. If you're feeling a lot of discomfort.  
That actually is okay. And if you need to take a break for a few minutes, Go do some breathing. Go nurture yourself.  Go do that, but come back because discomfort doesn't mean we just stop. We can sit and deal with those uncomfortable feelings.  And we can continue on.  So the objective of my episode. Today is to bring voices and awareness to these kids. 
Our kids.  Who matter?  And their feelings and their traa. And their voices matter. And I know you believe that because you are an awesome parent. You really are amazing. And you're overwhelmed and you're overworked and you don't have enough support.  
 
But these kids deserve to be hea

Does your child have challenging and sometimes rebellious and unsafe behaviors that have you desperate for a resource?  Are you feeling fearful and desperate?   This podcast could be your answer. 
Today my guest Jessi Stringham shares a resource for parents that is free and really amazing.  It is a peer led support group that is extremely well organized and 
 
From the Changes website: https://cpsn.org
Changes Parent Support Network was incorporated in December 1996 and groups officially started meeting in January 1997. We are a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization and are not affiliated with any other group or religious organization.


Members include Couples, Single Parents, Stepparents, Guardians, and Grandparents. The families we support have one or more acting-out children ranging in age from middle school to older adult children. Our program provides support and tools for parents to change their own behavior, not “fix” their child. We promote independence and natural consequences for our kids’ actions, which is usually not an appropriate approach for younger children.


Regardless of your child’s age, we will welcome you at Changes. But you may find that our members have less personal experience to draw upon and share if your child is in elementary school. 
Typical problem behaviors can be:


Violent or abusive Oppositional and defiant Failing grades or not attending school Substance abuse Stealing at home or shoplifting Gang involvement Running away  
The purpose of the group is not to change our child's behaviors.  It is to help us give up that need to control and work on changing our own mindset and behaviors toward our children.  We can support them and support ourselves and allow them indepedence to find their own path and feel the consequences of their behaviors.
 
This is an amazing resources for parents who are feeling anxious and fearful and need support to know what to do.  
 
You can call this number 8884682620. to start the process of signing up.